Saturday, March 25, 2017

In which Primo reminds me that Sly said I was selfish, which confuses me, because I do not expect people to sacrifice themselves for my satisfaction, and then I realize that Sly's definition of selfish was "Anyone who didn't want to do what Sly wants"




selfish

[sel-fish] 
 




adjective
1.
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one'sown interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2.
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:
selfish motives.




Primo: Oh yeah. Really, the selfish person was my dad.

Me: Just saying --

Sunday, March 19, 2017

In which we identify the second good thing that Sly and Doris left us - they can disinherit you from money, but they can't keep you from taking the gallon-sized ziplocks home if you are the person in charge of cleaning out the house. Or the lump crab, which really, was not that good.

Primo, do we have legal-sized envelopes? I want to mail at least a dozen Christmas letters next week to the people who send me physical cards.
If we don't, if it's convenient for you, would you get some on the way home?
Otherwise, we/I can get some later this week.
Also, when you come home, would you please put the trash and compost that are sitting outside the back door in the trash/compost?
xoxox
You mean regular business-sized envelopes?
yes
I have plenty of them.
Shirley wrapped herself around my neck while I was doing squats
for ten minutes
I think she was sleeping
Part of my inheritance. My parents had a big box of envelopes.
Shirley loves you!
We got envelopes and the giant ziplocks!
Chat Conversation End


Seen 12:32pm

Thursday, March 9, 2017

In which we get a Christmas card for Sly and Doris addressed to them at our address and we cannot figure out how that happened

How? How does it happen that someone - not a catalog, not a charity, not a political organization - has our address as Sly and Doris' address?

I really want to know.

And I want it to stop. I want not to get their mail. I want not to have frequent reminders of them. Our Christmas this year was so much nicer without them. Five years ago, we went to Spain for Christmas and Sly and Doris were furious. They sent Primo an email telling him - these were their words - that he was a "bad son." Sly told Primo that Doris was threatening suicide. Doris sent Primo an email on Christmas day telling him that "everything sucks and I get despondent."

I am not making this stuff up, people. Those of you from nice families might find it hard to believe that parents like Sly and Doris exist, but they do!

But they are finally gone and Primo and I are getting to have a life without their constant demands and drama and it is nice. Am I asking too much not to get their dang mail?

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

In which we return from being gone for ten days but do not find any pears from Ted

But Ted did call us on Christmas, when we were at the airport. We had a long layover in Atlanta and were getting into the "We are going on vacation!" and "We are going to be eating churros y chocolate in less than 24 hours!" groove when Primo's phone rang.

It was Ted.

Ick.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, not a Deal With The Drama That Is Ted day.

Man, I cannot stand him. The guy is such a jerk. Who expects to be paid for attending his own father's funeral?

(Although I have to cut Ted some slack here when I think about the part where Sly abandoned Ted and Jack to an woman Sly spent the rest of his life defining as the evil alcoholic harridan bitch from hell, even to Ted and Jack, which really? This is how you talk about your sons' mother to them?

And how Sly refused to pay anything for Ted's college, saying that Ted, who went to a decent school - not fabulous, but decent, could have gone to the tier 4 school where Sly taught for free. Sly also pointed out that his child support obligations ended when Ted turned 18. And that Ted's stepfather could afford to pay Ted's tuition - even though Ted's stepfather was not, you know, Ted's father.

Sly didn't have the same attitude toward Primo. He never suggested that Primo attend the college where Sly taught and he paid all of Primo's college bills.

So - hmmm. Maybe Ted has reason to feel a little disrespected by Sly and maybe Sly should have paid for Ted to attend his funeral because honestly, if I were Ted, that might the only way I would have gone.)(I went to Sly's funeral to support Primo and to make sure that he was dead.)

OK. But even with these caveats and a degree of sympathy for Ted for having such a crummy father, neither of us want to talk to him.

But Primo said, "If I don't talk to him now, he will just keep calling."

"You could block his number," I said. "That's what I have done."

Primo rolled his eyes. "I'm going to get it over with."

He came back a few minutes later.

"Is he sending us pears again?" I asked.

"He didn't mention it."

"Did he ask for money?"

"Nope."

"That's weird."

"Yeah. He didn't even suggest that it was looming."

"But we know it is."

When we got home from the trip, there were no pears waiting. Ted is falling down on the job.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

In which Primo does not rush into the very rash decision of buying monogrammed stationery

It has been more than six weeks since the election.

Wonderful people gave time and money to Primo's campaign.

Primo still has not written thank-you notes to them. I am trying not to care, because it's not me and my notes, but man is it stressful. Those people need to be thanked. This needs to be DONE.

On Sunday, Primo came downstairs with what remains of the monogrammed stationery I bought for him years ago. There is only one piece left.

He needs to write way more than one thank-you note.

We found the vendor online. Found some stationery he liked. Found a good price. It's made in the US, which is always a plus - we want our fellow citizens to have good jobs.

"Should I order this for you?" I asked.

No! Not yet!

I wanted to know what additional information he needed to make this decision.

He was not ready.

Every night, I asked again.

No! Not yet!

Last night, he was ready.

"But should I get 100 pieces?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. "It's something you'll use the rest of your life. It's not a perishable."

"But that's a lot."

"If you die before you use it all, I will use it up."

"Your name is not Primo!"

"I will cross it out,"  I assured him.

Then he told me that he was going to pay extra to guarantee shipping by Christmas (next Sunday).

"If only there had been a way to pay regular shipping and still get it in time," I said.

Honestly.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

In which Primo does not win and Ted calls and we worry that all kinds of drama will start again

I have not written anything for a few months because

1. I am lazy

2. Not much has been going on

Except

TED

(Which you knew)

Oh - and Primo did not win. Which was sad. He outperformed other candidates in his party upballot, but that's easy - Primo is a man of integrity who has never lied to or been snarky to the American people. That is, Primo is not a jerk, which is something I cannot say about anyone else who was on the national ballot.

Back to Ted.

Today is Dec 17. It is one week until Christmas. Here is what Ted has been doing over the past few weeks. We know he is working up to asking for money.

1. He texted Primo repeatedly after the election, offering his (unasked-for) opinion. Primo was all stressed because Ted wanted to talk and Primo did not want to talk. I said that just because Ted wants does not mean he gets. Primo never called Ted.

2. He sent Primo an email about some karaoke machine that was on sale, telling Primo that in an alternate universe, he would be giving this to Primo for Christmas.

"He's working up to asking you for money," I said.

3. He sent Primo a text about Nancy, whose birthday was last week. Ted has never commemorated Nancy's birthday before to Primo in any way.

He is going to ask for money. I just know it. The only question is will he send us some pears again this year?