Sunday, January 14, 2018

The Candidate's Wife: What makes a person a weirdo?

Me: Did you get a chance to email [that person who wants to volunteer] about going to that governors candidates' session on Tuesday?

Primo: I wrote one but haven't sent it.

Me: Why not?

Primo: Because I wrote it at 3:00 a.m.

Me: So?

Primo: I didn't want him to think I am some weirdo who writes emails at 3 a.m.!

Me: But - you are some weirdo who writes emails at 3 a.m.!

Thursday, January 11, 2018

The Candidate's Wife: Primo discovers that the board of his group has a spy

Primo: Something bad happened!

Me: What? (Thinking - someone we know has died!)

Primo: It's BAD!

Me: Oh no! (My sister called him late at night to tell him my mom fell and broke her hip! Primo has cancer! The library burned down!)

Primo: We've discovered that Boris, on the board of ActivistsRUs, is an infiltrator!

Me: What do you mean?

Primo: I mean he's from the Other Side!

Me: But - he's in your group!

Primo: He's running for county supervisor against Natasha.

Me: Which is good, right?

Primo: I know you are not a fan of Natasha.

Me: She is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Primo: I know.

Me: She said she didn't know why Arizona was worried about illegal immigrants from Mexico because it's not like Mexico and Arizona share a border.

Primo: We thought Boris was running to the left of Natasha.

Me: But he's not?

Primo: Turns out he ran in 2012 and he is not left!

Me: But - he is in your group!

Primo: We think he's a spy.

Me: But the alternative is Natasha.

Primo: I would rather have someone really dumb who agrees with me on positions than someone smart who is on the other side.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Spam spam spam

You guys, I had no idea that comments were going to spam. All comments are sent to my hotmail. Any comment on a post older than two weeks goes to moderation (or something like that), but other than that, if I see it in hotmail, I assume it's been published. I never suspected that a system that would allow comments about how to get your boyfriend to beg to have you back would block comments from actual people who make thoughtful comments.

I am sorry about that! I do not block non-spam comments. I don't even block the comments of the readers who take Sly and Doris' side, mostly because I am so fascinated that such people exist.

Thanks to the Cosmic Avenger for bringing this to my attention.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

The Candidate's Wife: Ted's email to Primo is not as awful as I thought it would be but then even a stopped clock is right twice a day, but he is not staying at our house, no matter how nice his email is

Ted sent this email and it actually reads like the email of a nice person who has never

1. Screamed at Primo
2. Implied that Primo is dishonest and/or stupid
3. Screamed at Primo
4. Tried to get Primo to reimburse him for the expense he incurred attending his own father's funeral.*

So it's a nice note and I am suspicious.

Because there is nothing in my history with Ted that indicates that he is a nice person.

Delightful note you sent and I hope to help with more than a small unsolicited contribution!

Shall dispense with small talk for now but please note very proud of you and I like reading about your “productive fundraising.”
 A few ideas:
1. Depending on circumstances (my mom’s health, status of work commitments), I would be eager to pop by at or near election time on my dime and work in the trenches for you. Give that some thought. Our local politician/acquaintance impressed me a few years ago when I went to volunteer because his (out-of-state) brother was manning the volunteer shop and walking people through the top-line talking points, etc. Obvious considerations would be keeping me on point and preserving your wine cellar in the evenings.
2. Doubt I can do much here here with my erstwhile political networks, outside of begging a few friends to donate a little money.
3. This is my Big Thought (and related to my core experience): I suggest that you make several short-form “pitches” about you, primarily, and your platform, second. With a tiny bit of inexpensive production savvy (which I’m happy to provide from afar at no cost), I believe that you can get across to multi-generational voters with what used to be expensive political commercials. You run these on your website and FB, obviously, but I’m thinking that other outlets—traditional and new—would be receptive to running :10, :15, :30, and maybe even 1:00 and 1:30 spots in rotation. Need to noodle on this a bit more.
Key point, Primo, about #3, is to emphasize you and your dedication to constituents. In today’s ideology-heavy society, I still feel a glimmer of hope for good, strong, positive politicians who are genuine. You fit the bill.
love big bro

I really am torn. This is a lovely note. I cannot deny that.




There is nothing in history to indicate that Ted will not turn into a jerk in a second. That he will not scream at Primo or send him nasty emails or make demands.

I do not trust him.


If he wants to help Primo from afar, that is fine. If he wants to ask his friends to send money to Primo, that is fine.

But. He is not invited to stay at our house. LordHaveMercy, that would stress Primo out so much and by extension would stress me out. Plus it would also stress me out without Primo's stress.

Reasons for stress if Ted visited

1. Primo would have to clean out the guest room, which is actually a good thing. My philosophy is that a man who has an entire bedroom of a house dedicated as his office and who has boxes and boxes of crap in the basement does not need to also have his stuff strewn all over the guest room. Or the landing. Or the stairs. Or the hall. So for that reason - a cleaned guest room, it might be worth it to have Ted visit.

Hahahaha! I was joking! As much as I hate having Primo's crap strewn all over the guest room, I hate the idea of having Ted in my house - of ever seeing him again - even more.

2. Primo would have to pick Ted up from the airport. He would be late picking him up but you know what? I don't care about that.

3. Someone would have to feed Ted. Someone would have to plan meals.

That someone would not be me.

4. I believe Ted is a drinker and I am not interested in being around Ted when he is sober, much less when he is drunk.

5. Primo would be cranky about someone using the guest bathroom, which, in normal times, is just his bathroom.

6. Primo is already stressed out about just answering Ted's email. Seriously. He has mentioned it several times in the past few days - that he has to answer Ted's email ("No you don't" I tell him) and he doesn't know what to say ("Tell him to tell his friends to send money and thanks and that's it").

He is ignoring my advice and is just being stressed. If there's this much stress about answering an email, imagine the stress of having a visit.


Ted cannot visit us. It would cause too much drama.

However, it is very nice and very unusual to get an email from him where he is not being a jerk. So we will take that.

* Although I still have mixed feelings about this one. If my father had abandoned to an alcoholic mother when I was four years old, then moved away, then tried to get out of paying child support for me, and then said he was not going to pay for my college but paid for my younger brother's college, I, too, would have mixed feelings about attending his funeral. If it were I, I would go only to make sure he was dead.

Oh wait. That was me. And that is the only reason I attended Sly's funeral. That and because it was important to Primo, whom I love.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

The Candidate's Wife: A neighbor is upset about changes to the hunting rules and wants to take Primo hunting, which Primo thinks would be pandering but I think would be fabulous

One of our neighbors and his wife have helped with Primo's previous campaigns. They are very nice people - they even did the phone bank with us in the first election.

If you don't know what a phone bank is, let me tell you.

It is an awful horrible thing where you call people and ask them to vote for your candidate and if you

1. Hate talking to strangers
2. Hate talking about politics
3. Hate talking on the phone
4. Hate talking to anyone about anything

then a phone bank is your worst nightmare.

For hours, all you are doing is talking to people who probably hate talking on the phone as much as you do and now you have interrupted them in the middle of the Batters episode of The Great British Baking Show when they are doing the churros and everyone wants to see how the churros will turn out. Everyone.

You do not generate goodwill with people by interrupting them during a TV show they like.

So our neighbors even helped with the phone bank, which makes the pretty exceptional if you ask me.

Let's call them Scott and Zelda.

Scott emailed Primo last week about some changes to the hunting laws. He is not in favor of these changes. I am not going to copy his email here because I respect the privacy of people who have always been gracious with me.

Cross me, though, and I will publicize your jerkiness.

But Scott's email has nothing jerky in it - nothing like that - it's just that he wrote it for Primo's eyes, not anyone else's, and I want to honor that.

He suggested that he take Primo hunting so Primo could see for himself.

Primo is a city boy.

My grandfather took me fishing. He taught me to wean a calf and to ride a horse and let me sit in his lap when he drove the tractor.

Primo's grandfather taught him to play pool.

We come from very different backgrounds.

My family is almost all hunters; I don't even know what Primo's uncles do because I have never met them and Primo sees them once every 20 years at funerals. Wait. At their own funerals.

So Primo is all, "I can't do that! I'm not a hunter! It would look like I was trying to suck up to voters!" to which I said, "Hello you are in politics now what about this surprises you? That's what politicians do - they pander and they suck up!"

But then I said, "The voters here are hunters. Don't you think you should try to understand what it's all about so you would be better informed and more prepared to understand them and to represent their interests?"

To which he admitted that yes, I was right. (I relish hearing that so, so much.)(It happens so rarely. Not that he won't admit it - he will - it's just that he is right so much more often than I am.)(Of course, he cares a lot more about being right.)

He wrote back to Scott,

Your proposal to take me hunting is very interesting. I've never had a personal desire to hunt or to own a gun, although I have no problem with responsible hunting or responsible gun ownership. (I have done some target shooting, several times with a .22 rifle and once with a friend's Colt .45; after that experience, I can say that I definitely don't have any desire to fire a handgun again.) Goldie and I do eat venison, both from her family's deer processing plant and from a friend who hunts every year. 
My initial reaction was that it seemed silly to go hunting just so that I can claim to be a hunter during my campaign, but I talked to Goldie about it and she suggested that it may be something I should experience if I want to represent hunters in the Legislature. I think she may be right! It would be good to be able to say that I have gone hunting, even if I don't choose to identify myself as a hunter on my campaign literature after going hunting just once.
So maybe we'll get Primo out in blaze orange. On verra.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The Candidate's Wife: Ted offers to help with the campaign and I laugh because Ted? Helping? C'est rire

Primo: Ted emailed me to thank me for the note I wrote to thank him for his contribution.

Me: Great. That's exactly why I wrote snail mail letters to your mom - I didn't want her to be able to email my right back. At least with letters, there was a lag time.

Primo: He wants to help with my campaign.

Me: Uh huh.

Primo: He does.

Me: Yes.

Primo: He could be sincere.

Me: Uh. Huh.

Primo: He could.

Me: You mean like last time when he put you in touch with his friend who spent half an hour telling you to advertise on facebook?

Primo: That was really useful.

Me: He wants to help?

Primo: That's what he says.

Me: He probably just wants to call you and tell you his opinion on things and have you tell him how wonderful he is.

Primo: Yep.

Me: Tell him to send money and to have his rich friends send money. That's the best kind of help.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

The Candidate's Wife: The Other Woman meets with the guy on Primo's side who does want to file for the senate seat

This image goes with the end of the story.
Through the grapevine, The Other Woman met someone who suggested she meet with - let's call him Sydney Carton only because I can remember the name and it's highly unlikely that some new corruption is going to be discovered about Sydney, considering he's a fictional character and all.

And let's name the Other Woman Mata Hari or Cleopatra or something like that.

Wait. No. Miss Havisham. Not implying anything - it's the only woman character who comes to mind right now.

(Were there that many women in Dickens? I can't remember. Now I need to know. No. Now I need to write this post.)

OK. So Miss Havisham set up a meeting with Sydney.

I know Sydney because he has long been a member of a city board of which I was a member for a few years. He is also a city councilman and a federal prosecutor. I have always found him to be gracious, sincere, and polite, with the best interests of our city at heart.

For a while, Primo and I were worried that the party powers would ask Sydney to run. He is far more well known in our district than Primo is and honestly, he would be an excellent representative.

So would Primo.

Wouldn't it be nice to have to choose between two good candidates for once? Instead of holding your nose and voting for the one who disgusts you less?

Well anyway.

So Miss Havisham set up a meeting with Sydney because someone told her that it was rumored that Sydney might be planning to run for that state senate seat.

Sydney has not filed, but even if he had filed already, there is no rule against multiple persons filing to run.

Primo got the gossip back.

Miss Havisham told Sydney, who has always, as far as I know, acted with the greatest of integrity and in the interests of our city, that she was running and he should not run because there were already - and I quote - "too many white men in office."

I am not going to debate the merits of what she said - although I will say she is probably right, but - he has decades of experience in local government (a position that pays about $300 a month for countless hours of work, which means it is really a volunteer position, which is fine with me - I don't think politics should be a paid career, although then you knock out people who aren't rich so this issue is not as binary as I would like it to be) and Miss Havisham is a life coach with no political experience whatsoever.

She can primary him. I have no problems with that. I don't think any candidate should ever run unopposed by someone from the other side and I don't even have problems with primaries, except I don't want Primo to be primaried because that would suck up what little campaign money we do have.

I do have a problem with someone being that rude to Sydney's face.

I mean - that was downright rude.

And Sydney, whom I saw maintain his calm through hours of public hearings where The Public was pretty much accusing us of strangling kittens so we could feed them to sharks,

walked out.


He walked out of the meeting.

I do not blame him.