Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Warning - this post contains sexually explicit content that may be disturbing to you and may create images of Sly and Doris in your mind that you will not be able to erase

I have debated for a day about whether to post this story.

1. It did happen. It is true.
2. I don't care what consenting adults do in bed. I don't judge. Well. I do. But it doesn't matter. It's none of my business. For all you guys know, Primo dresses up as a cub scout and I throw butter beans at him. Judge if you will. But we will keep doing it.
3. In my world, my friends and I do not share information about what goes on in bed. Maybe we are prudes. Maybe we are uptight. I don't know. I just know that it is Not Done in my sphere to discuss details of one's sex life.
4. But this seems so crass. But it happened! And I want you to be on my side in thinking that Sly and Doris Are Wrong and I Am Right and this data point will probably engender support for Team Golddigger.

So here goes.

Primo: My dad is a little bit out of it.

Me: Yes.

Primo: He was reminiscing about my mom.

Me: It's hard for him.

Primo: And he was telling me about - about sexual practices they enjoyed.

Me: What?

Primo: That they --

Me: Me! No! What do you mean he was telling you about his sex life with YOUR MOTHER?

Primo: You know what he's like.

Me: Your family.

Primo: He told me that--

Me: Wait! I don't want to hear this.

Primo: OK.

Me [prurient and also thinking how bad can it be?]: Oh whatever.

Primo: It was - a practice where the woman straps on an obje-

Me: STOP!!!!

Primo: OK.

Me: There is not enough bleach on this earth to wash that image from my mind.

[I shudder as I try not to contemplate. Don't think about a pink elephant. Don't.]

Me: What. On. Earth? Why? Why did your father feel compelled to share this with you?

Primo: I think he thinks I am naive and boring and he wants to improve my sex life.

Me: Our sex life is none. of. his. business.

Primo: I know.

Me: Not to mention we did not need any help, thank you.

Primo: I know.

Me: You are a hottie. Period.

Primo: Thank you, sweetie.

Me: Please ask your dad when he gets home, even if he doesn't get rid of most of the junk in the house, that he at least discards all the sex toys so we do not find them after he is dead.

Primo: Sweetie. They are old. They probably were not doing this any more. They probably don't even have these things any more.

Me: Your parents moved a paper bag full of old newspapers from their old house 1,500 miles to the new house. Not even special newspapers. Just newspapers. Probably the recycling. You think they were going to throw away their sex toys?

oh man
I wish I could un-know this
I think it is not unusual for people to do things you might think of as unnatural and gross.
I actually don't care what they do
Some people would probably tell us to go beyond our plain-vanilla sex life.
I just don't want them to tell me about it
I especially do not want to know about what parents do in the bedroom
I know, sweetie.
Our sex life works fine for me -- when we get around to it. smile emoticon

Monday, October 5, 2015

In which we realize that Sly drinks A LOT

Primo: My dad keeps having these heart problems. They keep changing his meds. He's not sleeping well. He's really agitated.

Me: I'm sorry sweetie. That has to be hard for you to see.

Primo: Jack and I had dinner with a friend of his last night. The friend said my dad might be going through withdrawal.

Me: Oh! Of course!

Primo: It makes perfect sense, except it's been five days since the surgery and so five days since he's had a drink.

Me: I don't know how this works.

Primo: But the friend said it can take that long.

Me: With as much as your dad drinks, I'm not surprised that he would have some kind of withdrawal reaction.

Family tree

Sly is married to Doris. He left his first wife and abandoned the two sons he had with her, Ted and Jack, when Ted and Jack were very little boys. Ted and Jack are Primo's half brothers. They did not grow up together.

Sly and Doris had Primo and Nancy. Nancy died of a heroin overdose over a decade ago.

Ted is married to Ted'sWife. They have one son, Ted'sSon, who is mildly disabled.

Jack was married to Stephanie, but they divorced after Primo and I got married. Jack and Stephanie have three children, Michael, Maria, and Pia. I love love love Stephanie and my NUMBER ONE NIECES AND NEPHEW. They are amazing.

Primo was married before he met me. I very unkindly named his ex-wife "Bertha" and I need to change that. Primo has two stepdaughters from his marriage to Bertha. THEY ARE LOVELY. They are married to wonderful men.

Everything in this blog is true. I have not made up anything, including that Sly hates me because of how I eat bacon. I wish I had the imagination to create a story like that.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

In which Primo and I are suspicious that Sly wants Maria to stay with him not for company but so he won't have to pay a stranger to be in his house

Primo: My dad doesn't want to go to rehab. He wants to go home.

Me: I guess he could do that if he hires help. It's his money.

Primo: He says Maria [Primo's niece] could stay with him.

Me: Well, sure. If she wants to. For company.

Primo: He says she could spend the night.

Me: As long as he doesn't expect her to do anything but keep him company.

Primo: I know.

Me: It is completely unreasonable for him to think his 22-year-old granddaughter would empty his urine bottle or take care of even nastier issues.

Primo: MAYBE she could make his supper. Or serve him something that's already been made.

Me: Maybe.

Primo: I need to talk to Jack [Maria's father] so he can set dad straight on this.

Me: He is not going to take advantage of that sweet girl.

Because you want to know what obnoxious thing Ted said and/or did today, right?

From Primo to Ted, in response to Ted's demand that Primo get him a list of the drugs Sly is taking:

I will not include anywhere near this level of detail in a general email to the group. I reviewed the list of people receiving the daily emails and am comfortable with it.

The cardiology team has been trying different drugs, and the best explanation the doctor could offer a layperson was that Dad's heart is "sensitive." [GD: WHAAAATTTT? Hardly!]

Here is a medication list that I got from the nurses today.
  • tramadol, 100 mg PO (may be discontinued) 2x/day, since day after surgery 
  • metoprolol, 15 mg = 15 ml IV slow push (hold for systolic BP < 100, HR < 60), 4 hour interval - For abnormally fast heart rate
  • digoxin (Lanoxin), 0.25 mg = 1 ml IV slow push, 6 hour interval (started 5/27; stop after 2 doses) - For atrial fibrillation
  • tamsulosin (Flomax), 0.4 mg = 1 caplet PO, QHS [Primo note: One of Dad's regular meds]
  • levothyroxine (Synthroid), 100 mcg = 1 tablet PO daily [Primo note: One of Dad's regular meds]
  • levofloxacin (Levaquin), 250 mg = 50 ml, IVPB, 24 hour interval (started 5/26) - Antibiotic
  • febuxostat (Uloric), 40 mg = 1 tablet PO daily [Primo note: One of Dad's regular meds]

The drugs listed above were on a printed sheet with details; the ones listed below were added in notes written by the nurse.

  • pantoprazole (Protonix), 40 mg daily - For short-term treatment of gastroesophageal reflux
  • amiodarone - For arrhythmias that are otherwise difficult to treat with medication 
  • heparin - Anticoagulant 
  • Normal saline - Started today because NG discharge is reduced and there is some concern about dehydration
Let me know if you want even more information.  :)

From Ted to Primo:

Unfortunately, I have personal experience of too many of the drugs below. It’s safe to assume that they are fully aware of his other prescription regimens, I trust (e.g., Uloric).

If I were to write back to Ted, here is what I would say:

Dear Ted, 

Thank you for letting me know we should tell the medical professionals treating Sly that he is already taking some drugs! They never asked because they are THE STUPIDEST DOCTORS AND NURSES IN THE WORLD. And also because no doctors ever ask what medication a person is taking. And because old people are never taking any drugs anyhow.

You have opened my eyes to the very bad decision Sly made in choosing Mayo. I wish we could have a do-over, but perhaps you, who has filmed brain surgeries, can come down here to straighten the docs out.

I am so so lucky you are on the case. Sly will probably die if you don't get here soon.


PS Remind me again what your major was - French, was it? Or was it sociology?

Saturday, October 3, 2015

In which Sly insults Primo so things are getting back to normal and Primo is reminded (as part of the insult, actually) of the horribly tacky wedding gift that Ted gave to him - do not read this post if you get offended easily

Primo: My dad is feeling better. He is getting back to his old self.

Me: Oh. Is he starting to be mean?

Primo: No! Well. A little. He wanted to read today and he wasn't so out of it. But he picked at me.

Me: Uh huh.

Primo: And he told me that I have some speech pattern that annoys him.

Me: You mean the speech pattern in the speech you have while you are away from your home for more than a month, taking care of him?

Primo: Yes.

Me: That's what I thought.

Primo: Well it's not like I have anything better to do. It's not like I should be with you instead of with him.

Me: Of course not.

Primo: Then he brought up the gag gift that Ted gave me at our wedding.

Me: What gag gift?

Primo: Don't you remember?

Me: No. He gave us the big salad fork and spoon. That wasn't a gag, was it? I actually like those.

Primo: No. Maybe I never told you.

Me: What was it?

Primo: When it was just my dad, him, and me, he gave me a cock ring.

Me: What?

Primo: I know. I feel kind of dumb because I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with it.

Me: Wait. Wait.

Primo: Have you ever used one?

Me: No. I have heard the term but have never seen one.

Primo: Do we need to spice things up?

Me: WAIT! WHO DOES THAT? Who gives that kind of gift?

Primo: Ted.

Me: What. A. Jerk.

Primo: I know. Are you upset I didn't tell you then? It was probably because there was all that other stuff going on that week - you didn't need any more drama.

Me: The only reason I would have wanted to know back then would have been to reinforce what I thought about Ted, which is that he is a jerk. This would have given me more ammunition so I would never have had to wonder since then if perhaps I was misinterpreting or misjudging him and he is actually a great guy.

Friday, October 2, 2015


Just talked to Primo again. Ted called again. This time he wants a list of every single drug that is going into Sly. He also told Primo that Primo is emailing too many people about Sly's condition.

"Are we using the information to negotiate with Russia?" I asked.

Primo just doesn't want to be taking phone calls all day. He thinks emailing everyone concerned once a day with a status update is a good way to handle the problem. I do, too.

So Ted wants a list of all the drugs because you know he has doctor friends and the internet and etc.

Primo said, "You know, if MY MOTHER hadn't JUST DIED and dad's surgery were the only thing I was dealing with, I might have time to get the information for you. But I don't."

Below is a conversation between my sister, a  nurse practitioner, and me.

(Marshall is a guy she dated whom she introduced to Ted. Ted makes movies, you know, and Marshall needed someone to make some videos for him. Ted and Marshall met and hit it off because, as my sister noted dryly after she had broken up with Marshall, "They are both so full of shit.")

about an hour ago
Now Ted (who told Primo it was a good thing you didn't marry M ) asked Primo to get him a list of all the drugs that Primo's dad is taking. You know, so he can run it by his doctor friends. And he HAS FILMED BRAIN SURGERY, YOU KNOW

My sister
He is right, it is a good thing I didn't marry M but curious why he thinks so.

My sister
If he wants to know, why doesn't he get his ass to Florida and talk to the doctors himself.

My sister
No hotels in Florida? How is he staying there for the funeral?
nope not hotels
PS don;t know why he thinks it's good you didn't marry M - Primo didn't ask him. Probably didn't want to encourage him.
Blesshisheart he thinks his opinion is relevant.

My sister

My sister
M thought Ted was the shit.
Ted thinks Ted is the shit
Chat Conversation End
Seen 6:22pm