In which I try to convince Primo that Hoarding Is Bad

Me, reading a novel about a hoarder: Listen to this! "I can't throw that vase away! It can be repaired!"

Primo: You get frustrated watching me be like that.

Me: Yep. And CPS is going to take the kid away in this book because his bed has too much stuff on it - he can't even sleep on it.

Primo: You don't like all the stuff on the bed in the guest room.

Me: Nope. You not only have your own junk, you have imported other people's crap into our house.

Primo: What are you talking about?

Me: You brought a reel to reel tape player from your mom and dad's house into our house!

Primo: But it's an interesting antique!

Me: Then look at photos online.

Primo: It's RARE!

Me: IT IS NOT! It is junk!

Primo: But there are still tapes from my family!

Me: So? Get them transferred to a CD.

Primo: It's not the same!

Later

Primo: Tom [his friend who is visiting] also thinks that a reel to reel tape player is an interesting antique.

Me: You told me that Tom has a ton of old junk in his basement. He is not exactly a credible source.

In which I discover that Laverne has a very refined palate

It is 4th of July weekend in real time and here is what I have done so far.

1. Put Laverne out
2. Bring Laverne in
3. Put Laverne out
4. Bring Laverne in

I did this seven times before noon yesterday and noticed, thanks to my excellent observational skills, that the reason she wanted to come in every single time was to get a drink of water.

Thinking that what she really wanted was water and wanting to thwart further in and out trips (which involve putting her harness on and clipping her leash to the clothesline, and then undoing all of that to bring her in), I took a bowl of water outside when she started whining and placed it next to her.

No luck.

She still wanted to come in.

I brought her in. Perhaps she was done with Outside for the morning and wanted to move to the kitchen window, which is another of her favorite spots.

Other Favorite Spots include

• Hunting Spot Number One, right by the house where the field mouse nest is
• Hunting Spot Number Two, by the tree where she watches squirrels and rabbits but never catches any
• On Top of The Stove
• Perched on the Toilet Seat Watching the Water Swirl
• Perched over the Kitchen Sink Watching 
• Right next to My Work Computer by the Vent

Nope.

She did not want to move to another Spot.

She wanted Inside Water.

Which, apparently, is completely different from Outside Water.

For The Cosmic Avenger, from the brilliant Bill Watterson

Because, as The Cosmic Avenger noted, engineers cannot do math.

In which Primo fumes about Ted insisting he needs to check Primo's math

Primo: I'm really mad at Ted.

Me: He's a jerk.

Primo: "I need to check your math."

Me: Because you are either stupid or dishonest.

Primo: Probably stupid.

Me: That's what everyone says about you.

In which Primo answers Ted's email far more graciously than Ted deserves, given the not so subtle insults Ted made, and tells me that if Ted even tries to get two of the other nieces and nephew to request as audit as allowed by the trust documents, he will never talk to Ted again, not that I want him to anyhow

Primo wrote,

Ted,

Yes, funds are forthcoming and you should have checks for the agreed-upon amount by the end of this month, as previously mentioned.

What math do you need to check? I have been through the spreadsheet (attached) that we've used to track Ted'sSon's education expenses -- as well as the documentation you provided -- more than once, and after you receive checks for the "remaining balance" there will be no amount outstanding. Please let me know if you see any mistakes or have additional expenses to submit.

(And then boring stuff about taxes and medical bills)

Me, after reading Primo's email: Wow. You are a lot nicer than I would have been.

Primo: For now.

Me: He is such a jerk. And he has no legal right to know what's in the big trust!

Primo: Nope. I haven't moved any money out of my parents' trust into the kids's trusts yet. There are still some medical bills and some tax stuff. I can't shut that trust down yet.

Me: I guess he could see TedsSon's trust once that's set up because even though TedsSon is 21, Ted is his legal guardian.

Primo: Yes, I think so. But for my parents' trust, three of the four beneficiaries have to demand an accounting.

Me: Which Stephanie and Jack's kids aren't going to do.

Primo: If Ted tries to get them to demand an accounting, I will never talk to him again. I will tell him that our relationship is dead, that any request for disbursement needs to come via certified mail, and that I will be resigning as trustee and he will have to deal with [the lawyer] whom he calls "a junior varsity lawyer."

Me: I don't want you to talk to him again, anyhow.

Primo: I know.

In which Ted emails Primo to remind him that the end of June is almost here and where is his money and oh, by the way, Primo, you are either stupid or dishonest

From Ted:

From: ted@icloud.com
Subject: checking in on timetables
Date: Sun, 26 Jun 2016 22:34:55 +0100
CC: tedswife@gmail.com; jack@icloud.com
To: primo@hotmail.com 

Hey Primo, How you doing on estate stuff? You wrote that before July funds were forthcoming. 

Today is TedsSon's 21st birthday. 

I’m leaving London tomorrow after 2 extraordinarily difficult weeks of nonstop 17-hour days. Getting too old for that shit, especially managing entitled “millennial” know-littles. Brexit is a goat-fuck in the making. Odd time to be here. 

Let me know if you might have some time to discuss estate check writing timetables; also, I need to check your math. Hope you and Goldy are well.

cheers




Translations  in line:

Hey Primo,
 
How you doing on estate stuff? You wrote that before July funds were forthcoming. 

Hey! You said I would have MONEY before the end of June! It's almost the end of June! Where is my money? Where is my money? I am middle aged with an excellent education. We don't eat leftovers. We shop at Dean and Delucca. I am remodeling my house. I HAVE TO STEAL FROM MY MENTALLY-DISABLED SON'S TRUST TO MAINTAIN MY LIFESTYLE! Sure, I could get a 9 to 5 job, but that's for little people. Not for me. Give me some money. Lots of it. Lots and lots of it.

Today is TedsSon's 21st birthday. 

Send him some money. 

I’m leaving London tomorrow after 2 extraordinarily difficult weeks of nonstop 17-hour days. Getting too old for that shit, especially managing entitled “millennial” know-littles. 

Can you believe how horrible it is to deal with entitled people? They are soooo annoying! I suffer so much. Send me some money.

Brexit is a goat-fuck in the making. Odd time to be here.

I am a classy know it all.
 
Let me know if you might have some time to discuss estate check writing timetables; 

When are you going to send me some money? I want more money. Send it. Now. And if you won't send it, perhaps you will yield to the implicit threat of a phone call from me. I WANT THAT MONEY. IT'S MINE. MINEMINEMINE.

also, I need to check your math.

1. You are stupid. Sure, you graduated from a top university at 19 Phi Beta Kappa and summa with a degree in electrical engineering. I guess you might have had to take some math classes. But clearly I, with my liberal arts degree, am better at math than you are.

or

2. You are dishonest. OK, you can do math. But if I were you, I would be stealing from the trust, so I am sure you must be doing the same things.
 
Hope you and Goldy are well.

When are you going to send me some money?

cheers

Send me some money.