In which Ted sends Primo an email on Doris' birthday and then calls on Sly's birthday, a few days later, causing more stress than he alleviates (which is How Ted Is Always)

Ted has not been a jerk recently.

We are concerned.

Primo thinks perhaps Ted has had A Change of Heart and is not Not A Jerk, but I say that when people have A SINCERE Change of Heart, it's because they realize they have been jerks and have hurt people and that part of the COH is APOLOGIZING FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE, along with a statement of intent that they will not repeat the behavior.

I do not trust Ted. I know more jerkiness is in the future. It's just that right now, Primo doesn't have anything Ted wants.

That is, with the death of Ted'sWife's mother, Ted and his wife got some cash - thank goodness because they had to remodel their house and take a family vacation to Switzerland, ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD.

(I have not even been to Switzerland, except for that hour in the airport in Zurich once. Fabulous chocolate.)

They apparently have some cash and do not need to worry about selling Doris' jewelry - remember Primo searched through Doris' jewelry to find the bracelet that Doris had allegedly promised to Ted'sWife and sent what he could find only for Ted and Ted'sWife to complain that this was costume jewelry? And so Primo, after pulling some of the nicer pieces for our nieces, dumped the entire contents of Doris' jewelry box into a container and mailed it to Ted, which ticked Ted off, which made me happy because TED SHUT UP. She wasn't even your mother!

Where was I?

Oh. Ted has not been a jerk. Primo, the eternal optimist, thinks Ted has changed.

I think he is just biding his time.

Last week was Doris' birthday. Ted sent an email.

"Don't answer it," I said.

"If I don't, he'll call me," Primo said.

A few days later was Sly's birthday.

Ted called.

"We're TALKERS!" Ted has said before when Primo has refused Ted's requests to talk about Ted'sSon's trust.

Yeah. And, as I think some of you had pointed out, Ted doesn't want a written record of transactions for his son's trust AND he thinks he can bamboozle Primo if he talks to him rather than putting everything in writing.

Primo took the call.

I wouldn't have, but then, I would never get a call from Ted - I have blocked him on every form of communication that exists.

So. That's the background, just 20 paragraphs in.

After he talked to Ted, Primo and I had a huge fight. He was angry that I used his mom's cake server to get some sauerkraut tart (shockingly delicious) out of the pan. I had used a press in the pan crust and it stuck and I had to scrape it out with the server.

Primo claimed I had bent the tip of the server, which was BS - crust cannot bend silver so whatever.

He was angry - said I hated his parents (mostly true) and didn't even want his last name (also true, but he had never mentioned being bothered by that before) and other stuff that I can't remember. It's been so long since we have had a blowout fight - more than two years, I think? - that I was busy thinking, "Wow! When was the last time we had a fight like this?"

I finally said, "This is not about the server! You are cranky about something! What's going on?"

"I don't have anyone from my family who's alive anymore," he said. "My sister is dead. My parents are dead. I don't really know Ted and Jack and I don't really want to. I have nobody."

Which is true. We had just returned from visiting my family upstate - I have 29 first cousins. My mom has six siblings and my dad has two, so I also have a nice complement of aunts and uncles.

We stayed with my cousin Angie, who is nine days older than I am and has been my best cousin since we were infants. We visited aunts and uncles and had dinner with cousins and it was a weekend full of hanging out with people I have known for my entire life.

He has nobody. He has a couple of cousins, but Sly and Doris never made extended family a priority. He has seen his cousins twice in the past 25 years.

He had been dreading the birthdays - "I know Ted will text me," he had said, but I hadn't realized how much he was dreading them, although I sure understand not wanting to talk to Ted.

"My parents left me a huge mess to deal with! My ex-wife left me crap* to deal with! I have been stuck with all this shit and it's not fair!"

Which it isn't.

So yeah - he had been thinking about his family and how they're all gone and then he had to deal with Ted, who may or may not be nice - it depends on the moment. And he blew up and it pissed me off because it is not my fault that his family was so darn dysfunctional.

After he got it all off his chest, he apologized. "At least I didn't throw any cheese," he said.

I explained that perhaps, in the future, we should be together looking out and fighting our common enemy (Ted) as opposed to fighting each other. "It's OK to be angry," I said. "It's OK to yell and be mad. But it's not OK to say you're angry at me when that's not what you're really mad about."

So we have some work to do. But we don't throw cheese anymore, so there's that.




* If you get divorced in California and you have a timeshare that goes to your ex-spouse, make sure you transfer the title to your ex because according to CA law, a divorce decree is not enough. And if you are the ex getting the timeshare and you don't remove the other ex's name from the deed, when you die, your ex will be stuck with the timeshare and have to go through an incredible hassle to give it to your daughters/his stepdaughters. I AM LOOKING AT YOU, WORLDMARK! YOU ARE EVIL.

TLDR Don't buy a timeshare. Just don't do it. And don't buy it from Worldmark. Seriously horrible customer service.

In which Primo asks if I will make the amazing Memphis Junior League Onion Dip for the house party and I say, Yeah, I love you, but no

Primo: Would you make your onion dip for the house party?

Me: No! You promised I wouldn't have to do anything for that event. You said I should just plan something out of the house that night!

Primo: I would help! I could cut things!

Me: I get the frozen chopped onions.

Primo: OK! I can do that! If I get everything, will you prepare it?

Me: Nope. But I will show you the recipe and stand next to you while you make it.

Primo: But I want you to make it!

Me: What if I die before you do? Won't you want to know how to make it?

Primo: I'll be like every other person whose spouse dies and who doesn't know how to cook. I would just regress to cooking what I already know how to cook.

Me: So you would never want the onion dip again?

Primo: I guess I would have to figure it out. But for now, it's a lot easier to ask you.

In which I wonder if I am evil or just practical

Turns out Primo is hosting a house party (i.e., a political ask for money thing that happens at the home of someone who is not the candidate) the day after I have a mammogram.

I will be taking mammogram day (Wednesday) as a sick day because my company just converted our personal days to sick days.

As in, instead of getting five days a year for whatever, I now have to be sick to take those days.

My friends, I am a very lucky person who does not get sick.

They can write on my tombstone, "She never let a vacation day go unused."

I am ticked off about this.

1. I don't get sick.
2. 25% of my vacation time just disappeared
3. I am not paid by the hour. If you want to treat me like an hourly employee with sick time, then pay me OT for the days that start at 5:30 a.m., when I am at the ferry terminal to go across the lake to corporate, and end at 10 p.m. when I finally arrive at the hotel
4. I either have to let time off go unused or turn into a liar

What did corporate think would happen? That everyone would say, "Oh! Now that the policy has changed and I am not sick, I guess I will let those days go unused!"

Anyhow. I am taking Wednesday as a sick day for my one-hour mammogram. In the old days, I would have just worked from home that day and run out for the hour.

Primo is having the house party on Thursday. Months ago, when he asked if I minded, he promised I would have to do nothing to prepare and would not have to attend if I didn't want to.

But I know - because this is human nature - that if I am at home the day before the event that I will have to observe the preparations, or, worse, get sucked into the drama.

I am going to change my appointment and go to work on Wednesday instead. Does that make me a bad wife? :)