I have debated for a day about whether to post this story.
1. It did happen. It is true.
2. I don't care what consenting adults do in bed. I don't judge. Well. I do. But it doesn't matter. It's none of my business. For all you guys know, Primo dresses up as a cub scout and I throw butter beans at him. Judge if you will. But we will keep doing it.
3. In my world, my friends and I do not share information about what goes on in bed. Maybe we are prudes. Maybe we are uptight. I don't know. I just know that it is Not Done in my sphere to discuss details of one's sex life.
4. But this seems so crass. But it happened! And I want you to be on my side in thinking that Sly and Doris Are Wrong and I Am Right and this data point will probably engender support for Team Golddigger.
So here goes.
Primo: My dad is a little bit out of it.
Primo: He was reminiscing about my mom.
Me: It's hard for him.
Primo: And he was telling me about - about sexual practices they enjoyed.
Primo: That they --
Me: Me! No! What do you mean he was telling you about his sex life with YOUR MOTHER?
Primo: You know what he's like.
Me: Your family.
Primo: He told me that--
Me: Wait! I don't want to hear this.
Me [prurient and also thinking how bad can it be?]: Oh whatever.
Primo: It was - a practice where the woman straps on an obje-
Me: There is not enough bleach on this earth to wash that image from my mind.
[I shudder as I try not to contemplate. Don't think about a pink elephant. Don't.]
Me: What. On. Earth? Why? Why did your father feel compelled to share this with you?
Primo: I think he thinks I am naive and boring and he wants to improve my sex life.
Me: Our sex life is none. of. his. business.
Primo: I know.
Me: Not to mention we did not need any help, thank you.
Primo: I know.
Me: You are a hottie. Period.
Primo: Thank you, sweetie.
Me: Please ask your dad when he gets home, even if he doesn't get rid of most of the junk in the house, that he at least discards all the sex toys so we do not find them after he is dead.
Primo: Sweetie. They are old. They probably were not doing this any more. They probably don't even have these things any more.
Me: Your parents moved a paper bag full of old newspapers from their old house 1,500 miles to the new house. Not even special newspapers. Just newspapers. Probably the recycling. You think they were going to throw away their sex toys?