Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Warning - this post contains sexually explicit content that may be disturbing to you and may create images of Sly and Doris in your mind that you will not be able to erase

I have debated for a day about whether to post this story.

1. It did happen. It is true.
2. I don't care what consenting adults do in bed. I don't judge. Well. I do. But it doesn't matter. It's none of my business. For all you guys know, Primo dresses up as a cub scout and I throw butter beans at him. Judge if you will. But we will keep doing it.
3. In my world, my friends and I do not share information about what goes on in bed. Maybe we are prudes. Maybe we are uptight. I don't know. I just know that it is Not Done in my sphere to discuss details of one's sex life.
4. But this seems so crass. But it happened! And I want you to be on my side in thinking that Sly and Doris Are Wrong and I Am Right and this data point will probably engender support for Team Golddigger.

So here goes.

Primo: My dad is a little bit out of it.

Me: Yes.

Primo: He was reminiscing about my mom.

Me: It's hard for him.

Primo: And he was telling me about - about sexual practices they enjoyed.

Me: What?

Primo: That they --

Me: Me! No! What do you mean he was telling you about his sex life with YOUR MOTHER?

Primo: You know what he's like.

Me: Your family.

Primo: He told me that--

Me: Wait! I don't want to hear this.

Primo: OK.

Me [prurient and also thinking how bad can it be?]: Oh whatever.

Primo: It was - a practice where the woman straps on an obje-

Me: STOP!!!!

Primo: OK.

Me: There is not enough bleach on this earth to wash that image from my mind.

[I shudder as I try not to contemplate. Don't think about a pink elephant. Don't.]

Me: What. On. Earth? Why? Why did your father feel compelled to share this with you?

Primo: I think he thinks I am naive and boring and he wants to improve my sex life.

Me: Our sex life is none. of. his. business.

Primo: I know.

Me: Not to mention we did not need any help, thank you.

Primo: I know.

Me: You are a hottie. Period.

Primo: Thank you, sweetie.

Me: Please ask your dad when he gets home, even if he doesn't get rid of most of the junk in the house, that he at least discards all the sex toys so we do not find them after he is dead.

Primo: Sweetie. They are old. They probably were not doing this any more. They probably don't even have these things any more.

Me: Your parents moved a paper bag full of old newspapers from their old house 1,500 miles to the new house. Not even special newspapers. Just newspapers. Probably the recycling. You think they were going to throw away their sex toys?


oh man
I wish I could un-know this
I think it is not unusual for people to do things you might think of as unnatural and gross.
I actually don't care what they do
Some people would probably tell us to go beyond our plain-vanilla sex life.
I just don't want them to tell me about it
I LIKE OUR PLAIN VANILLA SEX LIFE!
YOU ARE SEXY!
I especially do not want to know about what parents do in the bedroom
I know, sweetie.
Our sex life works fine for me -- when we get around to it. smile emoticon

28 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Wendy, I am super reluctant to click on this, given the post!

      Delete
    2. Oh sorry, it's just a reaction gif— don't worry, it has nothing to do with geriatric pegging.

      Delete
    3. Geriatric pegging would be an excellent name for a rock band.

      Delete
    4. This post was hysterical but I laughed out loud for real at Geriatric Pegging XD

      Delete
  2. speechless... simply speechless.

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  3. Oh man.....I guess this chapter can & has gotten worse!
    My eyes! My eyes!

    ReplyDelete

  4. Oh man.....I guess this chapter can & has gotten worse!
    My eyes! My eyes!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. I will never look at cub scouts, nor butter beans, in the same way EVER again. Thanks, Goldie!

    --- Tammy

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  7. I...that's....but....just....erm....
    Yuk.
    Let's rename Sly "Spike" heheheh
    J x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Cosmic AvengerThursday, October 08, 2015

      OK, as long as we're going there, let's rename Doris....

      ...wait for it...

      Peggy!

      Delete
    2. Oh my dog people I am DYING! Spike and Peggy! HAHAHA!

      Delete
  8. Keep in mind, too, that Sly is not in his right mind. This may be fantasy. Sly may not realize that he is telling this to his son and instead think it is an old buddy, so it may be locker-room talk. I'd do big grains of salt with this. Whether true or not, it may help apply bleach to the brain.

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    Replies
    1. LJL, pretending I don't know what happens after this story and agreeing with you that perhaps this is fantasy.

      Delete
    2. Thank you. At least it gives me a few more restful nights. :-)

      Delete
  9. In the words of George Takei: Oh, my! Oh. My. Oh mymymymy.

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  10. I'm a little lost in time. Have you had Doris's funeral? Is Sly home now? Is he having treatment for cancer? And vanilla sex is really good if you do it right, thank-you very much! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. No funeral yet.
      2. Sly just had surgery - in hospital.
      3. No chemo/radiation yet.
      4. Vanilla sex rocks.

      Delete
  11. I'm not acquainted with the range of exotic sex flavours, but this strikes me as an odd one to brag about.
    Then again, maybe it was the drugs talking.
    IT NEVER REALLY HAPPENED. (Fingers crossed)

    ReplyDelete

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