Ch 10 I make a typo on my blog, which could possibly lead to Primo’s breaking up with me, which, of course, would thrill Sly

Me: Oh no! I made an apostrophe mistake (in my blog).

Primo (on the phone with me - he is in the Dallas airport reading my blog as we are speaking): Where?

Me: Fixed it. Too late. You can't see it.

Primo: Nope. I'm still on the page. I see it. Ha! I won't be able to marry to you now.

Me: Yeah, I suppose not.

Primo: That'll make my parents happy. Or at least my dad. He probably thinks that a grammar mistake is a good reason to break up with someone. He can't understand why I am with you in the first place.

Me: Tell him I'm good in bed. Wait. No. Don’t. 

Ch 10 We try to figure out what to get Sly and Doris for Christmas now that Primo has ruled out a framed photo of us or at least of him

Primo: I know what to get my mom and dad for Christmas!

Me: What? Did you finally realize that my idea of a framed photo of us with the option of two frames is indeed the perfect thing? Or of just you because of course they would not want a photo of me?

Primo: Sort of! When I went last time, my mom and I spent some time in that spare room. She found a few boxes with family photos.

Me: Boxes? They are not in albums?

Primo: No. They are in boxes.

Me: Loose?

Primo: Yes. Why?

Me: Seriously? Nobody has ever organized them in albums? My mom has dozens of albums and they are all captioned and she has all of her negatives organized and indexed.

Primo: Your mom is just not normal.

Me: No. Your family is completely disorganized. How does anyone live like that?

Primo: I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Anyhow, I helped my mom go through a few boxes – I have been trying for years to get them to start cleaning that stuff out – and she gave me a whole bunch of old family photos. We had to sort through all the duplicates. Here – I brought them home with me.

I open the thick manila envelope he hands to me. It contains dozens of faded photos. They are underexposed and overexposed and out of focus, but there are a few decent ones.

Primo: I can pick out the good ones and scan them. I can get them one of those frames that displays electronic photos.

Me: That is actually a fabulous idea.

Primo: I know! My mom will love it!

Me: What about your dad?

Primo: I want to do this for my mom.

Me: OK. That’s really cool!

Primo: Will you help me?

Me: How?

Primo: Will you scan them and fix them? I don’t know how to do any of that stuff and I am so busy at work. You at least will be at home for the next two months. I have three trips.

Me: Are you kidding? Do you know how much work that is? My mom can spend hours repairing old photos.

Primo: They don’t need to be perfect like your mom’s. And I think only a dozen or two will be enough. Please?

Me: You think they will want a present from a bad bacon eater?

Primo: That’s my dad. This is for my mom. Please?

Me: OK. Fine. But you owe me.

Ch 10 Doris answers my email, so I guess things are no worse than they were before

Dear Goldy,

I like Barbara Kingsolver very much. Have you read Terry Kay’s books? “To Dance with the White Dog” is lovely. It brought tears to my eyes.

I am sending you some gardening catalogs. None of the flowers in them are suitable for a tropical climate, of course. I so miss my garden in Pittsburgh. I had lush beds of roses.

Sly and I went out to eat last night. The waitress told us, “Just ask the other waitress or myself if you need anything.” Sly corrected her, but she did not seem to appreciate it.

I despair for our country – the youth do not know how to speak properly. But what can one expect when the movies and TV are full of such bad influences?

Doris

Ch 10 Sly and Doris are mad at me - again

Primo: My dad doesn’t think you are making an effort to have a good relationship with them.

Me: What about the letter I wrote? What about that?

Primo: I didn’t bring it up.

Me: But that is proof that I have tried to repair the rift.

Primo: Except they would say that you never answered the questions they asked in their response.

Me: That’s true. I didn’t answer their questions because I am NOT CRAZY.

Primo: I know. 

Ch 10 I have the perfect gift idea for Sly and Doris

We have professional photos taken so I can give something nice to my mom. She is a talented photographer, but I freeze whenever she takes my photo and I always look awful. She had been asking for a photo of Primo and me for a while, so I suck it up and we have it done.

Incidentally, do not do this. It is torture. Now I know why professional models make so much money – it’s because it is both horribly boring and horribly stressful to have your photo taken. Why would anyone do that for fun? I don’t understand selfies at all – I don’t want someone else taking photos of me. Why would I want to do it to myself?

But – goose/gander/sauce, as they say.

Primo: I don’t know what to give my mom and dad for Christmas.

Me: They didn’t give you an order?

Primo: Not this time.

Me: Odd. They usually tell you exactly what to buy them.

Primo: I know.

Me: How about a photo of us – or of just you – for your mom and dad for Christmas? The photos they have of you are really old. I haven’t seen anything from the current decade on the walls there.

Primo: I don't know. I just don't think my parents would be excited to get a photo of me.

Me: Are you kidding me?

Primo: What?

Me: But – what if we put it in a frame?

Primo: What?

Me: And then gave them a choice of a second frame?

Primo: What? I am confused.

Me: Are you really saying that your mom and dad don't think a photo of you would be the best Christmas present ever?

Primo: Yeah. I don't think they'd care that much.

Me: Really.

Primo: Oh! You mean because they gave us a photo of themselves for Christmas?

Me: Yeah. That.

Ch 10 I try again with Doris because I should, but I totally dodge the question of what don’t I like about them because I am not stupid

Dear Sly and Doris,

I just read the most interesting pair of books. Doris, I think you would really like them – you have mentioned that you like Barbara Kingsolver. Have you read “The Poisonwood Bible?” If not, read it! And then read “King Leopold’s Ghost.” The two books go together very well. One is a fictional account of a missionary family in Africa; the other is non-fiction about the gun trade in Africa and how that money made Belgium rich.

My garden is doing well this year. Last year, I had a lot of collards and chard and other things that are easy to find at the store. This year, I am growing only produce that is way too expensive in the store, like the little fancy lettuces and basil, and things that taste good only when home grown, like tomatoes. Actually, tomatoes are about the only thing to which that rule applies. I can’t tell any difference between a homegrown and a store zucchini or kale or leeks. And leeks fall into the “way too expensive in the store” category, which is why I am growing them as well. I have a garden full of fancy lettuce, basil, leeks, and tomatoes. Primo and I are eating a lot of Caprese salads. He doesn’t want to weed, which is fine – it’s not his garden – but he sure likes what comes out of my work!J [1]

I hope your garden has not become too overrun with weeds. I know how frustrating it is to spend hours pulling unwanted visitors only to have them return even stronger.

And here I question myself – is “even stronger” the proper way to say it? I do not want Sly to return my letter with red marks all over it. Sheesh. I am a grown woman and I am scared about the grammar in a casual letter because I am so afraid it will be used as ammunition against me.

Purslane is trying to overtake my garden. I discovered too late that it is like the hydra – if you chop it into bits, each bit comes to life. I have seen purslane at the farmers market – I want to tell people, “You may have as much as you want for free if you will pull it out of my garden!”

What are you reading these days? Anything to recommend?

Goldie

---

[1] Yes, I am being bitter again that Primo does not share my interests in gardening. Bitter with a smiley face. Will we get the same complaint again?

Ch 10 I tell Stephanie about the letter where I ask for a do-over with Sly and Doris and she reminds me that Sly forces Doris to give him blow jobs

Me: I wrote them a letter asking what I needed to do for them to like me.

Stephanie: You said that?

Me: Well, not in those words. I said I wanted to “repair the relationship” between us. Sly threatened to disinherit Primo if Primo didn’t “get me in line” a while ago – which Primo doesn’t care about, because it’s not his money and besides, he has a good job, but he cares that his dad thinks this is a weapon and is even talking about this – and Doris has been complaining about me, too. I said I would suck it up and write an apology letter for whatever it is I have done wrong, which I think is just being alive. They would be much happier if I didn’t exist because then Primo would be all theirs. 

Stephanie: What did they say?

Me: Doris wrote back and told me why they didn’t like me, in detail, which you know I really appreciated, but then she said that she had had to do all the work with Sly’s relatives, implying that I needed to do all the work with them. I would maybe do it if I only knew what the work was. Maybe.

Stephanie: You need to send the letter to me.

Me: Let me read it to you.

Stephanie: OK.

Me: I think we need to start anew after I offer our read on how the tensions began. You should tell us your recollections.

The most significant factor in our initial qualms was reading your blog. We were probably too quick to form judgments before we even met you. Your likes, politics, and religious views seem so divergent from Primo's and ours. Plus we know that Primo is often an easy mark. His marriage to ex-wife (which we STRONGLY opposed) turned out to be what we had feared...

Sly, of course, wouldn't listen to advice on not marrying his first wife. He was but 19 and Melinda was 23...She even bought the engagement ring! It took me a long time to build a relationship with some of Sly's relatives and the initiative was all mine.

We would be happy to thaw the ice that has separated us and develop a friendlier relationship. We doubt that we could ever agree on what seem to be some of your world-views.

When we were together, you always appeared chilly, guarded, and rather judgmental. We don't know if you found us welcoming open, rigid, or just old fogies.

We've always felt that you were worried about Primo having responsibilities to us in our dotage.

Cordially,

Sly and Doris

Stephanie: “Cordially?” They sign off on a letter like this, “cordially?”

Me: I know! The essence of the letter is, “Bitch! You are a cold bitch who has lured our gullible child with your cold bitch ways. We hate everything about you and you are going to have to do all the work for us to accept you, which we won’t ever do because you eat bacon wrong. And hey! This is all super genteel and cordial! Kisses!”

Stephanie: That is what they are like! They have always super critical with me but it’s always in a way I can’t address directly.

Me: Exactly! It’s all this subtle mind game stuff. They never say anything directly to me so I can address it – they complain about me to Primo. How do you counter that? If they were directly nasty to me, I would have no problems standing up to them. But it’s all this weird passive aggressive shit that I don’t know how to handle.

Stephanie: They have no problems being nasty directly to me! I don’t do anything right. They send me lots of critical emails. But they are not as bad as Melinda, who told me I needed psychiatric help, in her professional opinion.

Me: Is she a psychiatrist?

Stephanie: Nope.

Me: Is she a psychologist?

Stephanie: Nope.

Me: Is she a medical professional of any kind?

Stephanie: Nope.

Me: So her professional opinion is – not a professional opinion?

Stephanie: Nope. She is just mean and nasty and I have told her that if she cannot be nice to my children – this isn’t even about me anymore – she has written horrible things to Michael– that she will not see her grandchildren.

Me: I wish I had something Sly and Doris wanted so I could tell them to be nice to Primo. I mean, I have Primo, but he is not going to cut them out of his life. I wish he would, but he won’t.

Stephanie: No, he won’t. And really, he shouldn’t. I mean, he can cut Sly out because Sly has always been a jerk, but Doris really did used to be a nice person. Primo is not going to abandon her to Sly. She is his mother! I feel so bad for her. She has not been nice to you, but she is so much nicer than Jack’s mom. I remember how she used to be. Sly has just made her life hell. I don’t think she even thinks straight anymore. Remember how I told you that Sly forces her to give him blow jobs?

Me: Yes. She has COPD. She can barely breathe and has to use oxygen at night. And he is forcing her do that? What a jerk. 

Stephanie: He’s always been a bully. Years ago, they were visiting us. I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, which was by the guest room. I could hear her crying and saying, “No, no, no. I don’t want to” from the hall. I didn’t even know what to do. I stood there for a while, wondering if I should say something, but just went back to bed. What do you do?

Me: I don’t know.

Ch 10 Primo criticizes someone’s grammar on facebook and I remind him not to be like Sly

Primo: Look! He wrote "their" instead of "they're."

Me: Whatever. Don't be like your dad.

Primo: What do you mean?

Me: I mean don't be petty, mean, and didactic over a Facebook posting. It's not formal writing. It doesn't matter.

Primo: You made a mistake in that spreadsheet you want me to print. You said to meet at "the Smith's" for the block party instead of at "the Smiths'."

Me: Big deal.

Primo: My friend Doug thanks me when I correct his mistakes.

Me: I do not thank you. I am not asking.

Primo: But you are going to marry me. You're going to be one of us.

Me: No I'm not. I mean, I will marry you, but I will not be one of you.

Ch 10 Doris sends me a letter telling me to suck it up because by God, she had to suck it up with her in-laws and now it’s my turn

Doris writes back to me.

I think we need to start anew after I offer our read on how the tensions began. You should tell us your recollections.

The most significant factor in our initial qualms was reading your blog. We were probably too quick to form judgments before we even met you. Your likes, politics, and religious views seem so divergent from Primo's and ours. Plus we know that Primo is often an easy mark. His marriage to ex-wife (which we STRONGLY opposed) turned out to be what we had feared...

Me: Oh my gosh! You have to hear this!

Primo: What?

Me: Listen to what your mom wrote. “We know that Primo was often an easy mark. His marriage to ex-wife (which we STRONGLY opposed) turned out to be what we had feared.”

Primo: I know they didn’t like ex-wife, but I can’t regret my marriage to her. We had some really good times. And if it weren’t for that marriage, I would not have M and V. I am really lucky to have such wonderful stepdaughters and their husbands and children. I could never regret marrying ex-wife if just for that.

Me: But you’re just an easy mark. You have fallen prey to my wiles.

Primo: Yes, I am weak and stupid and have bad taste in women.

Me: Oh man! And then she says that she had to suck it up with your dad’s family. Listen:

Sly, of course, wouldn't listen to advice on not marrying his first wife. He was but 19 and Melinda was 23...She even bought the engagement ring! It took me a long time to build a relationship with some of Sly's relatives[1] and the initiative was all mine.

Primo: My dad’s family was not nice to my mom.

Me: So they let your dad off the hook? Your mom did not abandon a spouse and two little boys. That was your dad.

Primo: Yes, but clearly my mother was the one at fault. She chased a married man.

Me: Yeah. So like your mom.

Primo: I know.

Me: Here’s the rest of it:

We would be happy to thaw the ice that has separated us and develop a friendlier relationship. We doubt that we could ever agree on what seem to be some of your world-views.[2]

When we were together, you always appeared chilly, guarded, and rather judgmental. We don't know if you found us welcoming open, rigid, or just old fogies.

We've always felt that you were worried about Primo having responsibilities to us in our dotage.

Cordially,

Sly and Doris

Primo: I am worried about having responsibilities to them in their dotage! That’s not you – that’s me! And I told them that they had to choose – if they don’t accept you, then they won’t be seeing me.

Me: Is that why they want me to tell them what I don’t like about them?

Primo: I think that would be brilliant – for you to tell my mom and dad exactly what you don’t like about them. That would make things so much better.

Me: It would be fabulous.

---

[1] That is, screw you. I had to suck up to them so by God, you'll do it to me.

[2] Well, I demand that everyone share my opinion on things, so I guess this is not going to work.

Ch 10 Doris sends an email to Primo about what she would like to write to me

Dear Primo,

I decided not to send this message to Goldie without your clearance.  Let me know what you think. Ted called and talked at length. He seemed relatively sincere. Visit to the doctor today has me exhausted. I am going to hit the bed.

Love,

Mom

Dear Goldie,

I hope that someday you will welcome my wish to say, Love, Doris. It has hurt so much not to be able to narrow our ideological gaps. You and my son love each another. I want to love you as well.  Enough said tonight, I'm not all together.

You might want to tell Primo that throughout this day not one health care worker, including docs, RNs, and subordinate personnel knew enough to say "lie" vs. lay. When we saw Maria for a brief time with Jack on Sunday, we asked how things were going at FAU, and she enthusiastically responded "good," instead of well. One is either fur or agin maintaining English usage standards. The most egregious example I ran into recently was a quotation by billionaire, Mayor Michael Bloomburg of NYC wherein he talked about young people "graduating college."

Primo answers.

It’s not about not agreeing on politics, Mom. Goldie and I don’t agree on politics and love each other. If it’s not a problem for me, it shouldn’t be problem for you guys. This is not about narrowing “ideological gaps” and you guys know it. Her politics should not matter to you. She has never brought them up to you. If she is willing to accept your politics, why can’t you accept hers? You need to decide if you want a relationship with me because a relationship with me includes Goldie. If you and Dad can’t bring yourselves to welcome her and treat her nicely, then you will not be seeing me.

Ch 10 I reach out again and this time, I really mean it because I do want a good relationship with my husband-to-be’s parents

I will try again. I write a paper letter, not an email. I do not send them an email because

·         I want it to take longer for them to respond because I really truly do not want to deal with this – I can’t figure Doris out – is she nice or is she not nice? What do I do about a future mother in law who sometimes is nice to me and sometimes is not but who I will have to deal with until she dies if I marry Primo? And

·         Remember how Sly and Doris like to forward emails to everyone else in the family and BCC everyone on everything? I don't need everyone else to be in my business. Except for you guys, of course. I don’t mind if strangers are in my business. I just don’t want people I know who don’t like me to be in my business.

Dear Sly and Doris,

It really bothers me that we have such a horrible relationship. This is not how I wanted things to work out. I don't want to be estranged from the parents of my husband to be. It's a loss for me and it's hard on Primo - he's caught in the middle and it causes him a lot of pain.

I don't know how we got off on the wrong foot. I wish we hadn't. I am truly sorry for anything I might have done to cause this rift.

The three of us have something in common: we love Primo and we want him to be happy. What can I do to repair our relationship?

Goldie

This letter is completely true. It does bother me. I do want a better relationship with my future in-laws if for no other reason is it would make my life easier.

Elephant stables are not easy to clean.

I also felt pretty good about apologizing because truly, I do not think I have not done anything wrong.  I have nothing to apologize for.

And even if I did, I wouldn’t mind apologizing. I am not in the business of deliberately hurting people. If I have done something that offends them, I want to know so I can fix it. I don’t want to be enemies with my boyfriend’s parents. If I have done wrong (other than eating bacon wrong), I need to know what it is so I can repent and earn the forgiveness I crave.

What I do not say but what of course you guys all know is that I want future in-laws who are nice, reasonable people. Until Sly and Doris, I had always gotten along with my boyfriends' families.

Sly and Doris are the first ones to hate me. They hated Primo's first wife.

Who is the X here?

I write the letter to get them off Primo's back. If I have to write a letter twice a month to them to get them to stop complaining to Primo about me, that's fine. I will do it.

I also want to see what they will say once the ball is in their court. What did I done wrong? What feats will I have to do to? Will I have to clean the stables? Will I have to slay the lion? Or will ten rosaries be enough? I am a curious person.