In which Sly and Doris almost don't leave after the wedding

September 2008 Our wedding week. So yeah, they come. And some crummy stuff happens and I'll tell you about it but I suck it up and take lots of drugs and try to ignore Sly and Doris because I'm marrying Primo and he's wonderful and incredible and no matter how awful Sly and Doris are, they did do one thing right in their life and that was make Primo, so I have to thank them for that.

It's Sunday morning after the wedding. Primo is getting ready to drive Sly and Doris the 90 miles to the airport. Why yes of course there is an airport in our city! But if Sly and Doris flew out of our city, then they would have to change planes on their way home and that would be difficult for them. They do have many physical problems. So Primo is going way out of his way to make his parents comfortable and take them to a larger city and a direct flight. I don't think they appreciate the sacrifices he makes on their behalf.

I consult my project plan. Sly and Doris out of the house, Dr J (my mother's gentleman caller), my brother and sister into the house (from the hotel). Ted left last night. Claudia and Chloe are leaving today as well. Primo will drop them off at our airport this morning as he takes his parents out of town.

As soon as he pulls out of the driveway, I need to strip Sly and Doris' bed (aka Primo and my bed), put on clean sheets for my mother and Dr J,* change the guest room bed so Primo and I can move upstairs from the basement, change the basement bed for my brother, set up the inflatable for my sister. Wash sheets, clean the bathroom that Sly and Doris have been using for NINEDAYS because if you want to make me betray my country, put me in a shower that someone I don't like has been using. Start preparing the 12-person supper we are having tonight for my family and my dad's aunt and uncle and two cousins.

Fortunately, I can put my family to work, but still.

It is not until they get into the car that Doris realizes she has lost her wallet.

Which, of course, includes her ID.

Lord have mercy I do not need this now.

There is a mad scramble back into the house to look for it.

Panic.

With Primo's family, panic is the new normal.

I can't stand it.

I am getting scared that they won't leave. They are saying things like, "We can't leave! We can't go through security! They won't let us through! We'll just have to reschedule our flight!"

That is not an option. They are not staying a second longer. I have put up with them long enough. Ya basta. Begone! It is time for the nightmare to be over.

I almost shove them into the car.

"Go!" I say. "You just have to go through extra screening. This happened with a friend of mine last month. But you'll need extra time. Go!"

As they leave, Doris is still rifling through her purse.

Four days later, after my mother, brother and sister have left and I have regained my sanity, I call every place we went on their visit and ask if they have her wallet. The place that does have it (where they took us out to supper and yes, alcohol was involved in losing it) is the place that is, of course, the furthest from our house. It takes me an hour to get it and then Primo sends it to her FedEx.

They don't bother to reimburse us.

Dr J forgets some pants and a sweater. I mail them to him by the US mail. My mother sends us a check for the postage.



* Oh yeah that was awkward. My mom was in the guest room and Dr J was in a hotel. She asked if he could move into the house, which was fine, but logistics demanded that they share a room, even though they are not married. And good Catholics. She hesitated. I told her if she and Dr J really wanted separate rooms, that was fine, I would arrange it, but it would make my life a gajillion times easier if they would share.