In which Primo gets out of ever having to do anything for Valentine's Day again

Summer 2006 Primo and I have been out of town. We return to my house in Springfield. The battery in my car is dead. But that's OK. I can take Primo's car to my exercise class the next morning and then take care of getting a new battery later.

Yes. Even though I am unemployed, I still pay to go to boot camp three days a week. I am too lazy to exercise on my own and I need someone to boss me around. Plus it is one of the few social contacts I have. I am not really a people person, but I am also not a Unabomber isolationist. I like being around people in small doses. Finally, I spend my days 13 miles closer to my refrigerator than I did when I was working. You do the math.

Back to the dead battery. Sears has some scam going there, huh? Sure, they’ll pro-rate the cost of the new battery when your Diehard battery dies before five years, but it’s getting to be a bit of a hassle buying a new battery every three years. Not to mention not knowing where your battery is going to die. Usually, it dies at the train station in Miami on your way home from work.

Or in your own driveway at 5:15 a.m. when you are getting ready to go to boot camp and then to work. You wait until 7:00 to call your boyfriend before Primo to ask him to come over and give you a jump start but he doesn't answer the phone because he is such a deep sleeper so you have to walk the mile to his place to bang on the door and he doesn't really appreciate it.

Fortunately, this time, it died at the body shop. They charged it for me, then it died again at my house, where I have Primo's car waiting. I'll just take his car, even though he is always all, Oh no! You don't drive right! Don't touch anything! Don't put down the sunshade! Don't move the seat!

I go to bed at 9:00. Primo stays up to work. When I wake up, I find a note: Primo went to Wal-Mart last night to buy a new battery and my car is now running just fine.

Two things: the nearest Wal-Mart is 20 miles away and Primo thinks Wal-Mart is the evil empire.* Bless his heart, when he compromises his principles, he benefits financially.

So he went to Wal-Mart, the store he loves to hate, and drove a long way to do so. Then he stayed up late to install the new battery. He didn’t get to bed until after midnight.

All this to put a new battery in my car.



I'd rather have this than roses on Valentine's Day any day.


* He and Sly and Doris agree on that. Evil Wal-Mart! Horrible, union-busting Wal-Mart! Yet they all shop there. Sly and Doris hate Wal-Mart with liberal passion, but won't vote with their dollars. Is this hypocrisy? Surely not.