Primo: My dad has soiled two pairs of underwear and peed on the sofa. They are on the verge of needing full-time care. I've already entertained the idea of having to stay beyond Tuesday. I don't want to.
Me: Oh man. What a mess. Peed on the sofa?
Primo: My dad can't always control things. He need to pee and got some on the couch. He got mad at me when I didn't get a towel to clean it up quickly enough.
Me: Oh man.
Primo: And when I had to empty the urine bottles and indicated that the task might not be so pleasant, he got mad at me.
Me: At least when my dad was sick, I didn't resent him for not having done what he needed to do to prevent problems. He was 61 and in perfect health and had only a few months before passed a physical. There is nothing he could have done to have made that situation any easier. And my mom was healthy, too. She was only 53. The few times he wasn't in the hospital, she would not let me do anything with him to do with body functions. She did not want me to see him like that and she didn't want him to see me seeing that.
Primo: You were angry at the cancer.
Me: Right. But not at him. Never at him. I had it easier than you do, in a way. I loved my father. I never resented him or felt angry that I was having to take care of someone who was not always nice to me. My dad was a sweetheart. Everyone loved him. People flew from all over the US to his funeral in a tiny town in northern Wisconsin. He had friends all over the world. I hated the cancer. But never my dad. And the one time I lost my patience with him --- I am still so ashamed about that. My sweet dad.
Primo: My dad is very difficult and sometimes mean. I told him I expected to clean urine with you maybe someday, but it's not something you expect to be doing for your parents. He said it was a good thing I had never had kids, then.
Me: But it doesn't make it any less gross doing it for your own kids! It's just that you assumed that responsibility voluntarily! Your dad should be grateful that you are doing this for him, not acting like he is doing you a favor to let you handle his functions!