Primo called. I don't want to talk. I am tired. I am tired of this rollercoaster and I know Primo is even more tired and even more cranky than I am. I know we are probably not going to be able to go on the vacation that we have been planning for a year - to spend ten days in a cottage on the Lake Superior shore, out of cellphone range, away from everything except the water and the loons.
I am angry that Sly will not die and will not get better.
But I take Primo's call.
He says with Sly back in the hospital, Ted might want to come back to Florida.
"Good," I say. "He can take over for you for two weeks so we can go on vacation."
"I can't do this any more," Primo said. "Jack called at midnight to tell me dad was back in the hospital. I guess they called him instead of me because he has a local number. So I drove back to the hospital and was there two hours and then went home and I am tired. I am numb. I feel awful for saying this, but if my dad died, it would be a relief."
"We are not going to be able to go on vacation," I said.
"If we don't go now, we will go in September. It will be cold and we will have to build a fire, but we will go."
"What if your dad is still in the hospital?"
"I will not deal with it any more. And if he's not, I will be relaxing in September. I will not be looking for a job."
Which of course ticks me off. "That was not the deal!"
"You cannot expect me to look for a job if I have spent almost a year taking care of my parents!"
"You cannot expect ME to be the one who suffers as a result of THEIR refusal to make ANY provisions for their future ill health!"
OK. That's not how it happened. There was a fight. I was pissed because Primo wrote something earlier that if we went on vacation in two weeks, we could pay a CNA or a companion to spend time with Sly and I read that as we could use our money to pay for someone to get Sly to drink water and I was livid because Sly has a lot more money than we do and it is not our job to make him drink water.
We fought. We fought and that's the part I remember, not the details. Primo is exhausted and I am exhausted and we are both angry and I am even angrier that I am having to sacrifice on behalf of someone who does not deserve it and why should Sly live to be 81 when my dad, who was NICE and PEOPLE LOVED HIM, died at 62?
Then I got really angry because I thought Primo hung up on me only he had driven through a dead spot.
I am so tired and so migraine-y that I can't remember any details except that Primo used logic to convince me that being unemployed for 18 months is not much worse than being unemployed for 12 months, especially when you can say that the reason you were unemployed was dealing with parental illness and death.
Then Primo tells me that his dad said that if his heart stops, he does not want to be resuscitated and I asked, Do they have that in writing?
I am a bitch.
But I also am not so evil that I want Sly's suffering to drag on. If he is going to die, I want him to die now. I mean, of course he is going to die. But I would rather he die tomorrow than die in 30 days after more suffering. He is in the hospital with a feeding tube and a rectal tube. He is the most miserable he has ever been, he told Primo. Nobody should have to live like that.
If he is going to get better, I want him better tomorrow.
I am done with having Primo be gone and with all this drama.