In which Primo dishes about Sly and Doris after his visit there

Primo just got back from a week with Sly and Doris. Here are the snippets of gossip from our pillow talk last night.

1. Sly and Doris are still mad at Ted's wife from the last time she visited. Apparently, she ate all the pickled herring.

2. Ted's wife also left dinner early and returned to the home of the friend where she and Ted were staying. Ted and his wife are smart enough not to stay with Sly and Doris. Then TW never went back to Sly and Doris'. Can you see why she is so awful?

3. Sly told Primo that there were so many women who threw themselves at him but he turned them all down. There was even a man who offered to trade wives with him,  because the man's wife was so hot for Sly.

4. Sly and Doris are still mad at me for eating something I was not supposed to eat. It has been four years at least since my last trip there.

Me: What was the food I was not supposed to eat?

Primo: I don't know.

Me: I wonder what it could have been, since you and I have to take a lot of our own food with us.

Primo: Can't remember.

Me: Did I know I wasn't supposed to eat it?

Primo: I don't know, but if you didn't know, you should have known.

5. The cat has had fleas before. You know - the cat who does not go outside. The cat has had fleas before and has been treated before with the $140 treatment from the vet, but it did not occur to Sly and Doris that perhaps they should do something to prevent the cat from getting fleas again.

6. Sly and Doris still do not have a plan.

7. Primo asked if I wanted a relationship with Sly and I said no way. The only reason I would go to Sly's funeral would be to be sure he was dead. Primo and I agreed that Sly's funeral will not be well attended. About five of my dad's friends bought last-minute tickets to go to his funeral. My dad's funeral was packed, even though he had not lived in his hometown, which is where he is buried, for 45 years.

8. Sly told Primo that he was so glad that Primo and Ted and Jack had not had to be in the military the way Sly was. He continued that of course, the military would not have taken any of them - Ted and Jack have asthma and Primo has flat feet.

Me: You have flat feet?

Primo: No!

Me: But your dad says you do.

Primo: My dad thinks I have flat feet. He's wrong.

9. Primo was with Sly and Doris for a week. It is a month since the election. He has quit his job. It was not until Primo's last day with them that Sly asked Primo what he was going to do now with his life. The last day.

10. Sly: Primo, have you ever seen "Deep Throat?"

Primo: What?!

Sly: Your mother and I watched it.

Primo [TMI]

11. Primo brought home a bunch of huge ziplock bags, the gallon sized. We used to have one that we had saved from somewhere but then there was something appealing in it - maybe peaches? - and one of the cats ate the corner off it so it did not serve its primary function as a sealed food storage device any more. We missed that bag. Sure, we could have bought some,  but that seems like cheating.

Do you remember how Sly and Doris, the huge environmentalists - the ones who adopted a manatee, a Florida panther, and a sea turtle for Primo for Christmas a few years ago, were shocked that we use cloth napkins at our house and that we wash and re-use ziplock bags?

Oh don't you be shocked. We don't use them for raw meat. We put cheese and vegetables in them and they are very easy to wash and re-use and it is pure wasteful to throw them out after one use.

But Sly and Doris - who are soooo superior because They Care About the Environment - they use paper napkins and throw away their ziplocks after they have used them once. Primo diverted the gallon bags from the trash and brought them home. Ha.

12. Sly read Elizabeth Warren's book. He said that she might have had a bad childhood, but his was worse. Sly. The bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral.