Thursday, July 2, 2015

In which Sly is alive after surgery and my friend is not - where is the justice in that?

Primo is still at his mom and dad's, helping out because Sly and Doris have for years refused to look at reality in the face, which of course they can do because they know Primo will come to their rescue. I do not understand such behavior. Sure, I would rescue my mother, but my mother has invested time and effort into making sure she does not need to be rescued, which is why I would rescue her. If my mother had refused to put her affairs in order - to have her financial paperwork done (I am the executor of her will and I have a copy, my sister, the nurse practitioner, has my mom's health care power of attorney, and of course has a copy of the paperwork, I have the financial power of atty, etc, etc), to have plans, then I would not be so inclined to help, although I suspect that if my mom were that type of person - a disorganized mess, she would have raised me to be her savior and it would be all I had ever known.

As in - Sly and Doris raised Primo to be their savior. I have read about the children of alcoholic parents. The parents teach, through their actions, the child how to be their rescuer.

I don't know how to make Primo not rescue them. I can't. I just have to detach. He feels like the only choices are to abandon them or to rescue them. I said they could hire help. (They can afford it.) He says they would never find someone they liked. I say then it is not your problem. They are the ones making that choice. But they do have options. They can take care of the problem themselves, they just choose not to.

Primo disagrees, mostly because he feels so bad for his mother.

I had a nightmare that she came to live with us.

Primo's nightmare is that Doris dies before Sly does and he will have to deal with Sly. At least if Sly were to die first, Primo would be left with the parent he likes.

Sly had his surgery. He survived. Came home last night. He was gone for three nights.

Me: Is your mom drinking less with your dad gone?

Primo: Yes.

Me: Huh.

Primo is angry because he keeps trying to get them to make a decision about hiring help or moving but they refuse.

They also have not completed the will. I think I told you about that. They have to write a codicil describing the distribution of their assets, they say. Isn't that what a will is? I mean, essentially, they do not have a will at all!

Sly's excuse, for not having worked on this for the past six years (his excuse other than he has been busy watching porn on the new Apple computer he had Primo set up for him and then kept calling Primo about when there were problems even though we live three thousand miles away from them and Primo cannot fix their computer over the phone and if someone can fix it over the phone, why doesn't Sly just call Apple customer service? Oh wait. I know. Because then he would not get to bother Primo!), is that he needs to know how much money Jack and Ted are going to get from their mom's estate. Their stepfather, who is dead, was quite wealthy.

Sly says he has ask Ted and Jack what they are to inherit and they say they don't know, which may be the truth or may not be. They actually have nothing to gain by telling Sly anything - Sly's idea is that he will reduce their inheritance from him by whatever they are getting from their stepdad. Why would they tell him anything. For someone so smart, Sly sure is dumb.

This whole idea of an inheritance is so bizarre! I do not come from people who leave money - or at least vast amounts of money - to their kids. I inherited $3,000 when my grandmother died at the age of 97. My brother, sister, and I split what would have been my dad's share. So my dad would have gotten $9,000, which is not insignificant but not enough for someone to spend a lot of time agonizing over his will. I am just glad she had money left when she died - that means she had money while she was alive and could not worry about it.

My other grandmother, who also died at 97, died without any money. Her money ran out a few years before she died and my mom and her six siblings were paying the bills. I don't expect to get money from my mom. I don't want to! I want her to spend it on herself. I don't want her to deprive herself thinking she should leave something to her kids.

Back to Sly - Sly claims he cannot finish his will until he has information from Ted and Jack and Ted and Jack claim they do not have the answers he wants and of course Sly would never pick up the phone to call the ex-wife he abandoned when he met Doris. The ex is the evil one - that's why he had to leave her, you see!

I don't know why he doesn't just divide Gaul in three and be done with it.

I have heard of no drama since Sly got home, but I haven't spoken to Primo yet this morning. I would not be surprised if there is nastiness. I will keep you informed.


  1. I understand your frustrations. We are going through something nightmarishly similar here. Hang in there.

    1. Thank you. This is one of those unfortunately almost-universal experiences, I think. How are you dealing with the frustration? I think I might start drinking.

  2. Condolences on the loss of your friend. And good luck and good give you and Primo strength with the in laws.

    1. "God" give you strength. Or "good", whatever works for you...sorry, can't type today.

    2. Thanks, Anon. I appreciate the good wishes.

  3. Definitely drinking. Sigh. It feels like it will never end. sadly our situation could go on for at least 10 more years. That said, the hard part is letting your spouse do what he thinks he needs to do. All the parental guilt not withstanding. It is outrageous. On the other hand I don't need to worry about my Mom . She is like your Mom everything has been thought through with no burdens placed on her children. Thank God for that.

    1. Oh no! Ten years - that is an eternity. I am so sorry. Yes, supporting Primo in this is so hard - I am becoming a total bitch because I hate this so much and want him to walk away.

  4. My husband's Mother decided to take to her bed after her husband passed. That was two years ago. Nothing wrong with her physically. She just doesn't want to take responsibility for her life. I know what you mean about hating it so much. I want my husband to walk away to. We will see if he hits critical mass. Wish me luck.

    1. That would be killing me. I don't want Primo taking care of his dad and his dad is in a rehab center, recovering from surgery! (Another surgery - I post events a few months after they have happened - most of this blog is not real time.)

      I don't even want Primo helping someone who is sick. I cannot imagine how bitter and resentful I would be about losing him to someone who is capable but just won't do what needs to be done. I wish you the greatest of luck and you definitely have my sympathies.


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