Ch 1 Primo’s mom and dad don’t offer us anything to eat or drink, even though we are guests in their home and isn’t that kind of the standard? Houseguests arrive at your house and you ask if they hunger or thirst?

We arrive at Primo’s mom and dad’s house. In the car Primo rented. Because they won’t pick us up at the airport the WAY NORMAL PARENTS DO.

They do shake my hand. So there is that. 

But there has been almost no eye contact so far. I have tried to make eye contact with them, but they do not seem to be interested in making eye contact with me. It’s the weirdest thing. I keep trying – I even put my glasses on, so you know I am serious about seeing what was going on, and they will not look at me! People! I am not used to this! I am not used to being ignored! This is bizarre.

And unlike with my family, who throws[1] food at people[2], and even though we have been traveling since 7 a.m. our time and it is now just after lunch our time, they do not offer us anything to eat or drink.

Nothing! Not even a, “Would you like a glass of water?!” And for sure not a, “You must be starving! Did they feed you on the plane? It’s been a while since we have flown, but we expect that airline meals have not gotten any better. Here! Let us give you some food!”

Nope. They. Do. Not. Offer. Food.

I am hungry. I eat three meals a day.

OK. I eat three meals a day. At least.

Had I known they were not going to feed us, I would have insisted that we stop for lunch – because we could have because we rented a car – and I would have brought some emergency food with me. But I hate spending money on restaurant food (you guys, I am a very good cook) and it didn’t even occur to me that they would not offer food to us the second we crossed the threshold. Ha. Shows you how dumb and sheltered I am.

I just assumed the usual social niceties would be observed, but I was wrong.

When we arrive, I give Doris a small hostess gift – some fancy cornmeal I had gotten at an arts and crafts fair. Everyone likes fancy versions of everyday things, right? She thanks me and puts the bag on the kitchen counter.

As in – I gave them food. I gave them food. And they are not even asking me if I want something to eat.

After about an hour, I finally ask for some water. Is that rude? Did I wait long enough? I have never had to ask for water before. My people – we like to feed people.

Without even looking at me, Doris tells Primo to get me some water. I follow Primo into the kitchen.

Me: When are we going to eat lunch? I’m hungry!

Primo : They don’t eat lunch.

Me: What do you mean, they don’t eat lunch?

  Primo: They don’t. They have breakfast and they have a snack in the late afternoon and then they have supper.

What are the rules on this? My dad gave me a stern talking to once because I didn't have coffee in my house. "But Dad!" I protested. "I don't drink coffee!"

"Yes, but you might have guests who want coffee," he answered. "Like me."

So I bought coffee and a little Cuban stovetop coffee maker, which is called a cafetera in case anyone wanted to know, and used it for my coffee-drinking company.

Me: But I’m hungry! Aren’t you?

Primo : I can make it until supper.

He’s like a python – he can get by with eating once a day.

Me: I can’t! I’m hungry! And I’ll get a headache if my blood sugar drops. I didn’t bring a lot of migraine drugs with me. Imitrex is really expensive and it makes me feel crummy.

Primo : Let me see if I can find something for you in here. What about this?

Me: Cracker Barrel? Are you kidding me? That’s bad cheese.

Apparently, I have forgotten the part about Hungry Beggars Cannot Be Choosy and Demand the Good Cheese.

Primo : They don’t get the good stuff, but that’s what’s available. Want some? I think there might be some nuts in the cupboard, too. I’ll put together a plate for you.

Primo and I return to the living room with water and snacks.

Sly: It’s not snack time!

Primo : We haven’t eaten since breakfast, Dad. I made a little snack for Goldie and me.

This is the part where I wait for a horrified exclamation from Sly and Doris of, “What were we thinking? You must be starving! Please! Let us give you some lunch!”

And.

It does not happen.

So I eat the cheese.

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[1] Not literally. I mean “throws” as in “offers.”

[2] You have to tell my grandmother “no” at least three times to convince her that no, you do not want lemon pie or rhubarb bars or chocolate chip cookies or anything to eat at all, thankyouverymuch.