Ch 3 My cousin licks Primo and I have to completely re-evaluate my smugness re family, although I promise that if you can’t say, “And then my cousin licked my boyfriend,” it’s not because your family is superior, it’s because your family is too small

So I have been all, “MY family would never be tacky and rude to you!” to Primo because I TRULY BELIEVED THAT. I didn’t think my mom would trash-talk my siblings or any other relatives to Primo because she has never even done that to me. My mom thinks it is Not Proper to Gossip about People, which is one of the reasons that she does not know about this blog. This blog’s entire mission is to Gossip about People, but in my defense, it’s to Gossip about People Who Deserve to be Gossiped About.

But I have not worried that my family could in any way be found wanting in comparison to Primo’s family. I am very sure that

·         My mom would not get angry at me or at Primo if I said Primo wanted separate sleeping accommodations at her house, not that I would need to tell her that because It Is Not Done To Share A Bedroom With A Non-Spouse at my mom’s.

·         My mom would never withhold food from any guest and would, indeed, goes out of her way to identify and prepare foods that a guest will like.

·         My mom would never offer her shower to my guest and me, telling us that she and my dad used to shower together there wink wink.

·         And of course my mom would not tell Primo and me what a disappointment my siblings are to her.

So I have been all self-righteous and superior because my family wins.

And then my cousin licks Primo and it becomes a tie.

What? Did I just say, “AND THEN MY COUSIN LICKS PRIMO?”

Yes.

I did.

I never thought I would be writing those words, but life happens, people.

Late in the evening, after much drinking on the part of some parties, my cousin Celeste, who I hope has been drinking heavily all day because Lord have mercy if she does this sober, there is no hope for her, stops to talk to us, “us” being my mom, Jenny, Jenny’s boyfriend, my cousin Angie, Primo, and me.

Celeste appears, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other.

Celeste: I’m going to tell you something that no one ever told me.

Jenny: What’s that?

Celeste: You don’t have to marry someone to (screw[1]) him.

I gasp, then give an embarrassed laugh. She said this in front of my mother! My mom doesn’t cuss and she sure doesn’t use the F-word. I have never in my entire life heard her say anything stronger than “shit” and she uses that only rarely. If I use “bitch” on my non-secret blog (the one she knows about and the one that Primo told his mom and dad about), I will get an email from her asking if it’s really necessary to use that language.

Usually, it’s not. Not necessary, I mean. Usually, I am just being lazy.

Me: Is that why you’ve been married four times? You’ve been doing it like they do in Hollywood – getting married instead of dating?

Celeste: Yep. I didn’t know. I didn’t know you could just (screw) ‘em instead of marrying ‘em.

I look at Primo and shrug. See? I have crazy, obnoxious people in my family, too. It’s not just him. Once you get a certain number of people in a family, you are almost guaranteed to have some weirdness. I got an “A” in probability and statistics in grad school. I understand this stuff.

She steps closer to Primo, leans over, and licks him on the cheek.

Then she licks Jenny’s boyfriend on the cheek.

Then she leaves.

Nobody speaks. What do you say?

• I have never seen someone lick another person like that.
• She licked my boyfriend. In front of me.

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[1] That’s not the word she used. She used the other one. I do some cussing, but I draw the line at that word, at least in cases where my mom will be listening or reading. Except – my mom doesn’t know about this blog. What to do, what to do?