That was today.
Let's recap this situation with Ted, shall we?
July: Sly dies. Four days later, Ted tells Primo he might contest the will. As if Primo can do anything about it - Primo is not in the will, either.
More July, while we are on vacation: Ted sends insistent emails, asking Primo questions about the estate and the trust and how much the executor (Primo) can charge for expenses. Ted demands a conference call. Primo declines.
August: Ted comes to the funeral and is a bit of a jerk, although not as jerky as he could be.
After the funeral: Ted emails Primo, telling him he wants to be reimbursed his travel expenses. Primo thinks Ted is talking about the trip Ted took in early June to be with Sly while Primo came home. (And even then, Ted called or texted - I am not exaggerating - five times a day to tell Primo things like Sly didn't like the food.)
August: Ted emails again with a list of expenses. The expenses include not just the early June trip but his trip to attend Doris' funeral and his trip to attend HIS OWN FATHER'S FUNERAL.
The expenses include a reimbursement of $875 per ticket per trip for tickets he got with frequent flier miles that could have been purchased for about $400.
August: Ted emails, demanding that Primo give him a date when he will write a check.
Note that not one single other creditor of the estate has been paid. Primo's expenses have not been reimbursed and his expenses are legally allowable to be paid.
Ted makes a snide comment about Primo's grammar and asks why Primo signs his emails, as "It's clear who it is from."
August: Primo emails Ted that he does not think it reasonable to pay $875 per ticket when the tickets could have been purchased for far less. He tells Ted he will give him the $400 a ticket once he gets the checks for the estate.
Ted calls Primo and screams at him that Primo does not know what kind of trouble he is in now that Ted is angry with him. No, Ted had not read the email but his wife had and HE NEVER WANTS TO GET A PHONE CALL LIKE THAT FROM HIS WIFE AGAIN!
(I tell Primo: Then perhaps he needs to discuss that with his wife.)
Then Ted shouts, "I am hanging up on you!" and hangs up.
Late August: Ted emails Primo, saying he has finally read Primo's emails and
1. He is learning things about Primo he does not like
2. Primo is losing his trust
3. He feels sorry for Primo. (Me: Because you have a brother like Ted?)
Early September: Primo sends a nice text asking for detente.
Now we wait.
Primo is a saint...but I hope he doesn't let his guard down. I bet Ted can be charming when it suits him.
ReplyDeleteYes, he can! Primo is more trusting than I. I think Ted is a snake and I never want to see him again.
DeleteGood god. I have a severely dysfunctional family, and I get it, I really do, that Primo wants to have a decent relationship with his remaining family. But please, Primo, don't let your desire for a *family* get in the way of recognizing abuse (or some other sociopathic issue like narcissism).
ReplyDeleteI know that you both survive this insanity -- I just hope that you survive it with your self integrity, and your self esteem intact.
Family abuse like this can be so abusive to your soul and self esteem.
Primo, you're doing all you can. Sometimes you have to accept that others just...well... can't be fixed or helped. It hurts to accept that knowledge, but, after awhile you realize that it's ok.
Syd, I am sorry that you come to this conclusion from experience. Thank you, though, for confirming what I have thought, which is that Primo's family is completely dysfunctional. I frequently wonder if maybe I am the one with the problem because I have never had to be so close with people like this before. I don't want anyone to have to deal with drama like this, but it is good to know we are not alone!
DeleteYou're not alone, and you're not the dysfunctional one here. The truly difficult part of trying to be part of a dysfunctional family is at some point, you need to accept that the family is dysfunctional, you can't fix some people, and it can end up that you don't have the family togetherness/normalcy that you would prefer.
DeleteOnce I figured that out, I was able to move forward and have a lovely family life with my husband and a handful of very close friends. And it works just fine!
Just for fun, you should try the NPI (Narcissistic Personality Inventory), and answer as if you were Ted. See how high he scores! I took it, and I scored 4...because I just want to do my own thing, and not rule the world. Here it is: http://personality-testing.info/tests/NPI/ If you don't like this site, just google Narcissistic Personality Inventory - there are lots of tests out there!
ReplyDeleteI took it as Ted and scored a 33 out of 40. Some of the questions, though, I had a hard time with. For instance, how would Ted answer,
Delete* Modesty doesn't become me.
* I am essentially a modest person.
I am sure he thinks he is modest! But to an outsider, he is boastful!
"August: Ted comes to the funeral and is a bit of a jerk, although not as jerky as he could be."
ReplyDeleteIf there's one thing that Ted excels at...well, the first would be being a jerk. But a close second would be setting the bar really, REALLY low for not being a dick.
I am beginning to wonder if Ted is in some kind of financial difficulty.
ReplyDeleteIs he so anxious for money from this estate to "cover up" some financial impropriety or liability elsewhere?
Has he misappropriated his disabled son's funds?
Is he underwater on his house?
Does he own his own business and it's in trouble?
He's still a jerk and a bully - trying to use intimidation to get money so he won't get caught with his hand in some other cookie jar is both jerky and bullyish.
Catherine, that's what we are wondering. And really - if he were and if he would just tell Primo that they are having problems and would be nice to Primo, Primo would bend over backward to help. Primo is the nicest guy in the world (and of course he has that whole hero child of alcoholics thing going). I am very curious to see where this goes. (As in, it is still not resolved, even in January.)
DeleteOh, Goldie, I really feel for you.
ReplyDeleteMy step-father used to say, "Where's there's a will... there's a family."