Wednesday, February 17, 2016

In which all roads lead to Ted and Primo should just get it over with because there is no repairing that relationship ever

Primo got that email from Ted about the realtor commission. Made me think of this Dilbert cartoon.

I can't remember what I have told you about and what I have not. I take notes and then write posts later and I don't put in the full context that Primo is so tired and he gets lonely when he is in Florida and he calls me two or three times a day and I get tired and I miss him but because I am a bit of an introverted bitch, I don't mind so much that he is gone except I hate the impact on him. I would like him to be gone a little bit for reasons he would enjoy, not for reasons that make him miserable.

I am a bad wife. I know. I know.

It's been a year since this whole drama started, a year since Primo quit his job and flew to Florida almost immediately because he thought Doris was dying. He has has been gone for a good part of the past twelve months. It has been exhausting for him and emotionally awful. He wants to do a good job settling the estate. I just want him to be done.

Some of the BS - having to go to wherever they keep car titles in Florida to get a duplicate title, only to find the original title later that day in a folder stuck in the back of the closet labeled something like, "Important papers," having to send a notarized statement to the power company to keep the lights on at the house, getting calls from a collection agency on behalf of USAA for the car and homeowners insurance, even though the accounts are not delinquent - is just ridiculous and it makes this all the harder.

Sure, I agree that debtors should be paid before heirs, but how about if you wait to see if someone pays a bill late before you start hassling him? Primo and I do not pay our bills late. Primo pays his at the last possible minute (I ask him why not just schedule them to be paid the day they are due instead of waiting until the day they are due to go online and pay and I have yet to get a satisfactory answer) but he pays on time. There is not one single past-due account for the estate. Not one.

Primo is weary. I am weary. His dad is reaching from beyond the grave to be a jerk - this whole thing that Primo cannot be paid for any the work he is doing - is maddening. I put it in our will that my sister, who is our executor, should be paid twice per hour what she would make at her job to settle our estate. Our lawyer told us that those rates are set by statute and I can't have her paid more.

What this means - that paying executors is common enough that states set laws about how much money the executor should get - is that Sly went out of his way to make sure Primo would not be paid. And to make sure he wasn't in the will.

I don't care really that Primo was not in the will, but the fact that Sly threatened more than once to disinherit Primo - even though he was not inherited! - and then stuck Primo with all the work is so mean. Why didn't he just make the lawyer the executor and trustee?

Sly was a mean, petty man.

It's not like Primo is making any money right now, but he is losing time we had planned to be free time for him. And what if this had all happened while he was still working? He would be taking vacation to do this. Actually, he might have just turned everything over to the lawyer, which would not be a bad thing.


So anyway. Ted sent that obnoxious message to Primo about how Primo was doing it wrong by not negotiating a discount in the realtor commission and it made me think of this cartoon. Primo is Dilbert, of course, dealing with a moron, the only rational voice in a sea of idiocy, except Ted is actually the only idiot voice in a sea of otherwise niceness. Jack has been nice, Stephanie has been nice, my nieces and nephew are stellar, and Sly and Doris' next door neighbor has been an angel.

Just Ted. Ted the jerk.


  1. 1)Yes, Dilbert can be right on so often. Too often my husband is living this life at work.
    2)And you are not a bad wife. I also enjoy when my husband is gone. Doesn't happen often but a break is always nice.
    3)I found the car title when MIL died in a random file. At least everything was in the den.

    1. Thank you. :)

      Having all the papers in one room seems like a really good deal to me!

  2. Gah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Primo is weary and having to deal with all this ish. And I'm sorry you feel guilty. You shouldn't! I can give countless examples of wanting some space from my hubby (even though I love him), and he just doesn't get it. He is not an introvert and loves spending time together. I do too, except for when I don't, and just want to be left alone. You're great and supportive and honest. All fabulous qualities in a spouse!


  3. I don't hate it when my husband travels on business. And I am going away for two weeks by myself this summer to study in another country and I will not hate that even though I will be away from my husband and my kids, all whom I love dearly.

    Since I come from a dysfunctional family background I have a somewhat cynical view of family relationships, and have decided that I don't want to have a relationship with any family member who behaves in a manner that I would not accept from a non-family member. Just because you happen to be related to someone does not mean that they will be a good person for you to have in your life.

    Primo should not feel guilty for not having a relationship with Ted, you should not feel guilty for not desperately missing Primo when he is gone.

    Guilt is ok when it is merited, but feeling guilty for things you should not feel guilty for just sucks.

    1. Yes! I have a big family (26 first cousins) and I don't mind not being in touch with the cousin who licked Primo's face the first time she met him.

      (If you don't have an alcoholic cousin or a cousin's daughterwho has spent a year in jail for living with a meth dealer, then you just don't have a big enough family.)

      I don't care if I ever see her again. I don't care if I ever see Ted again. I won't ever see Ted again. But Primo gets tortured by it and I do not understand why.

    2. Wow, we did have a drug dealer but no face lickers in our family. There are other bad things, though, but they would take too much time to describe (I think I'd need to write a book).

      Primo sounds like a really nice, sentimental guy and you sound as if you are a lot like me - practical vs. sentimental. You and Primo perhaps make a good couple because each of you (secretly) wants to be a little like the other.

      My husband and I, on the other hand, are both decidedly unsentimental and it works well for us. For example, neither of us had to participate in the sham and tomfoolery that is Valentine's Day.

    3. Yeah, Primo is a really nice guy. But even so, he agrees completely with me that Valentine's Day is a big ripoff! When we met, we agreed that we would not make a big deal of it and there would be no recriminations.

    4. If you'll forgive the armchair psychology, children of narcissists and alcoholics are raised to base their value on pleasing or placating those who create strife. They often need to please their parents to survive, no matter how irrational or destructive their parents are. This may or may not apply to Primo, but from what you have posted about Sly, it wouldn't surprise me if this was at least somewhat applicable.

    5. The hardest working, most responsible people I know are adult children of alcoholics.They are very successful. I'm afraid they also learned to be "people pleasers" and we know how well that works out.
      I think you and Primo are a good balance. You have boundaries, and boundaries are something ACOAs need to develop. When a child has to survive with mercurial, punitive parents, they will do anything to feel safe.


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