Sunday, September 21, 2014

In which Primo says he can't be disinherited until he is actually inherited and my mom tries to give me money so I am even with my brother

Oh! I forgot! So while Sly is threatening to disinherit Primo, even though he has not even inherited Primo, as I had noted when I read the will six years ago, my mom is trying to give her money away.

My brother has had a rough time over the past 18 months. He had some eye problems that we were worried might be indicators of multiple sclerosis but fortunately, are not, but still have led to some permanent loss of vision. Considering he does architectural renderings, a loss of vision is a big deal.

He had had his own business for many years, but because of his eyes and other health issues, including some depression, he closed his business. Actually, I think he lost his biggest client and then the depression became worse and my sister and my mom and I were all really worried and we thought my brother might be suicidal and if you have ever watched someone you love go through this kind of thing, you will know how awful the whole thing was. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because I was so worried that I would get a call that my brother was dead.

My sister and I convinced my mom to drive down to see my brother and give him some support. My mom spent about a week with my brother and things got a little better. I helped him with his job search, using what I have learned from Alison at Ask A Manager, and he had a new job within a month.

Unfortunately, he lost the job - they didn't like his designs, which is the risk you run in an artistic profession.

Primo and I sent money to my brother. My sister the nurse practitioner talked to his doctor. I prayed.

Last month, my brother got a new job. He starts tomorrow. It is for the state university. Pay is only OK, but benefits are fabulous and I think my brother will do well.

Last week, I got a letter from my mom. It contained a check for several thousand dollars.

My mother is a widow who lives on a very fixed income. She gets some money every month from the VA because my dad's death was classified as service related. (He died from a cancer that has been linked to Agent Orange. He was in Vietnam, so may have been exposed.) But other than that, she just has the money she and my dad saved in the few years they worked in Saudi Arabia. They had no money in the bank when I went to college. The military does not pay a lot.

So my mom sends me $$$$ and a letter explaining that she wants to make sure she is being fair with my brother and my sister and me. She had been helping my brother during his unemployment and with his medical bills.

First, I don't want her money. I mean sure, I would love some extra cash - a lot of extra cash, but I want my mom to have enough money for the next 26  years and even if she has more than she needs to live to 96, I want her to spend it on herself. When my grandmother was in assisted living, it cost $3,000 a month and that was not even the expensive kind - she could feed and toilet herself. I don't want my mom to be in a crummy place and I don't want her denying herself just so she can leave money to her kids.

She is concerned with being fair but I don't begrudge her helping my brother. If he were some lazy bum who wouldn't get a job, then I would be bothered, but he is not lazy. He has always been a hard worker and he has always worked. He has never taken advantage of my parents. If she gave him that money, it was because he really needed it.

Second and mainly, I find it highly ironic that Sly and Doris are threatening to disinherit Primo - Sly and Doris, who have so much more than my mother does, although my mom does not spend money on booze, so perhaps she is ahead of Sly and Doris - while my mom is bending over backwards to make sure that she is treating all her children fairly. This is yet another example of my mom wins over Sly and Doris.


  1. My mom died in April and it was heartbreaking to find out that she had been going without, trying to save up to pay off her back taxes. She had been deferring her property taxes because she didn't want to burden us. Totally heartbreaking. When her house sells, it will be split 4 ways, over the years my parents helped each of us out in different ways and for different reasons.
    In truth, I would rather have live parents then the proceeds of the will.
    Your mom sounds like a sweetheart and I hope she does live a long time.

    1. Gaylin, that is exactly what I don't want - that my mom goes without. If she dies broke, that's OK with me. I have never and do not expect an inheritance. And you are absolutely right - I would rather have live parents (well, my parents) than cash.

  2. My husband and I are working on a will currently. I am adamant that my children get an inheritance. I see, time and again, the male remaining spouse remarries and leaves everything to the new wife which goes to her kids. I will not let that happen. It has been a surprise to find it has caused such fighting between us, but I refuse to let the new wife get everything if I die first. Period.

    1. Oh yes. That is an important thing to consider. My mom had a gentleman caller who wanted to marry her. One of the reasons she didn't want to marry him was because his son in law called my mom and threatened her! He called her a gold-digging bitch and was so nasty! She did not want to get in the middle of all that.

      You are very wise to consider your children and address it up front. I am sorry that it is causing conflict between you and your husband.

  3. I am such a fan of fair and equitable. Sadly, I've been on the extremely short end of that stick with my sibling. My poor mom has lost her home, savings, etc trying to support the sibling's household of 3 kids and her spouse. Meanwhile, the sibling is disrespectful and ungrateful.
    I'm a sap......And will hold my condo as a safety haven for her because the recipients of this 25yrs+ project don't have any plans to care for her in the later yrs.

    1. Ouch. That is hard to deal with. It's bad enough when bad things happen to good people, but when good things happen to bad people, it is very hard to take.

      Your mom is lucky to have you, but what a mess.


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