Monday, November 23, 2015

In which Jack is angry that he was not involved when Sly wrote the will and I wonder how many people ask their children about what they should put in their will, as it is my understanding that parents do not consult children about such things

We are on vacation. We are on vacation on an island in a lake and in theory, away from civilization, but a few years ago, Primo got the wireless ID and password from the owner of the cottage and now, we are connected, even though we are on vacation and I do not want to be connected.

I don't mind being connected to facebook and to my favorite blogs (hello, Ask A Manager!), but I do not want to be connected to hotmail. Or, more specifically, I do not want Primo to be connected to hotmail. I want Primo to have a chance to rest. The past few months have been exhausting for him and he deserves a break.

I did tell you that we were going to cancel our vacation but then Sly, in his one act of good timing and of recent kindness, died before our cancellation deadline.

Thank you, Sly.

We are on vacation and yet, Ted and Jack will not shut up.

Fortunately, Primo realizes that he is in the catbird seat and he does not need them, even though they need him.

So he is telling them what's what.

OK. Not really. He is not like that. But he is being firm with them when he is not doing all the cooking and all the dishwashing. (Nope, I didn't ask him. He is just doing it and I am glad. When we are together, he is super thoughtful.)

Jack is (rightfully) ticked off.

He wrote

1. He had never seen a copy of the will
2. If Ted wanted the will changed so much ten years ago, why didn't he do something about it?
3. If Ted wanted the will changed so much while Primo was busy taking care of their dad, why didn't he do something about it? Primo was "obviously concerned with Dad's recovery" and was too busy to do anything else.
4. How come he was not involved with the will or the trust?

Those are all legitimate questions and questions that Primo cannot answer because it is Sly's will. Sly's will. Not Primo's. Primo did not write the will.

Jack also wrote - and this is where I roll my eyes, because let's not forget that Sly and Doris invested $250K in Jack's restaurant,  "Primo, while your expenses are being covered by the trust, what about Ted's and my expenses? Dad told me to use the money in the cookie tin to offset my gas and other expenses, but when I went and looked in the tin, the last $150 was gone. Why would you take it?"

Primo answered, with great restraint, "I used that money to pay Maria* for feeding the cats."

* Jack's daughter

18 comments:

  1. I wonder how many people ask their children about what they should put in their will, as it is my understanding that parents do not consult children about such things

    I don't know the answer, but I have two anecdotes:

    About 20 years ago, when my mom had breast cancer, by parents and sister and I were talking about death and wills in general. I asked my financially savvy dad if I should have a will. He said, in his very serious dad voice, "If you want to leave us something, that's fine, and if you don't, that's fine too, but whatever you . . . don't leave me the cats."

    So last week, prompted in part by this blog, I was working on my will. I now have a fella and his two boys who have lived with us for the last five years. I asked the 19-year-old if he wanted anything of mine if I should kick it anytime soon, and he said, "I'll take Esme." The cat. My dad now has nothing to worry about. Also, how incredibly sweet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? You are thinking about your cats! (And so is your bonus son.) That is what thoughtful people do.

      Delete
  2. Oh, honestly! As if Primo had incurred no expenses during THE PAST YEAR of flying across the country again and again to care for Sly and Doris. There is no cookie jar in the world that big!
    The fact that the money was paid to Jack's daughter = priceless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. emma, I know. Sly and Doris paid for Primo's college, which was generous (Sly refused to pay for Jack and Ted because the child support ended at 18 and THAT IS THE SIGN OF A TRUE ASSHOLE), but he has not taken money since because he is, you know, an adult.

      Whereas Sly and Doris invested in Jack's restaurant and have given tens of thousands of dollars to Ted for his kid.

      Delete
  3. And, why in the world should Jack's "expenses be covered" by Sly's money? Parents don't pay for their children's gasso they can come visit, or attend their funerals. Clearly Primo's situation is different, but it certainly makes me wonder how often Ted and Jack showed up needing a little cash that Sly provided. They act like privileged kids who have not yet realized that they are adults.

    And, the Mermaid is right. Kids often don't find out what's in the Will until it's read officially. It's not up to them to decide what should be included or who should get what and how much. am so sorry you all had to endure this mess for so long.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh webb- it's like you have ESP. Just. Wait.

      Delete
  4. I guess in one way our family is different, because when my parents redid their wills once my sister and I were out of college, they told us what it said. They also asked us to each pick a charity along with the ones my parents picked for the estates to go to if both of us died without leaving heirs before the 'rents died.

    ReplyDelete
  5. With both sets of my grandparents, my parents were told beforehand what the will said (divide everything equally; not rocket science.)

    With DH's grandmother, she has frequently told us that there are surprises in her will that her children don't know about, 'but I won't be alive when they find out and are mad!'

    That's going to be a fun can of worms.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am thinking the real problem, after some reflection and after reading your comments, is not that parents consult with or inform their children but that Sly and Doris left one of their children out. Either tell everyone or tell no one. They did not do it right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol. You posted while I was posting. I'd have to agree with this.

      The only reason to tell one kid and not others imo is that you're telling the kid who you know is going to have to handle a problem after they're gone and bringing them in on "are you okay with this?"

      - AC

      Delete
    2. Yes - a warning! But Sly and Doris were just mean and manipulative. Well, Sly was, mostly. Doris went along with him so he wouldn't hurt her.

      Delete
  7. About 3 months ago, my sisters and I all got an e-mail link to the legalzoom vault where a copy of my parents' will resides. So, we know what's in it. I think I have a vague memory of what it said. Mostly I remember that they picked me and another sister to be executors for good and practical reasons, but I would have liked a heads up "hey, is this okay with you?" before it was all final and done.

    - AC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it is nice to be asked. Being an executor is a pain in the neck.

      Delete
  8. My FIL was executor for his aunt. She never married and let everything to him and his siblings. Siblings were bugging the lawyer about when the estate would be settled and distributed. Lawyer asked FIL if he wanted to distribute some of the proceeds ahead of final filling. He said no. 1) Anything he got was an unexpected and appreciated gift and it didn't matter when he got it. and 2) siblings didn't have anything to do with him for over 30 years so they could just wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and who took care on Aunt including taking her in while looking for a nursing home and had helped for those last 30 yrs? Not the siblings. They should have been more than grateful she didn't leave everything to my FIL.

      Delete
    2. They should have been grateful! Nobody is owed anything, but the people who don't even help should be the last ones to complain.

      Delete
  9. GD, I feel for you. My parents had a will that divided everything evenly among the three kids with special bequests for the grandkids. Last year was WW3 - it was Mom and Dad, with Sis and spouse versus Brother and Spouse. I live 1500 miles away and heard 2nd and 3rd hand accounts of the war - and the two sides have not spoken since. I'm still not sure what really happened. Parents just told me that they rewrote the will, splitting it between me and sis, and only give $$ to certain grandchildren. Parents are also in very poor health (in part due to war). This is not going to be a can of worms, it's a full fledged sack of s**t, as guess what, I'm the executor. Argh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are going to need to change your name and flee the country. What a mess. I am sorry.

      Delete

Primo reads this blog, so please keep that in mind in your comments.