Saturday, January 30, 2016

In which Primo and I come to an agreement about his job plans

The other day, Primo and I had that fight about his going back to work or not and I was pretty cranky and I also thought I am not a very nice person because I put something that personal online - in an interview with the Washington Post, The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson, said, "I never write about something I’m still fighting with my husband about."

I am not as nice as Jenny Lawson because I write about fights Primo and I are still having.

You guys all understand that although I vent about these fights here, I am not looking for anyone to pile on Primo, right? I do love him and even though we fight (sometimes I wonder if we are the only ones because other relationships I read about online are all sweetness and light), we still like each other and love each other.

And I do think he has a point that he did not get the advantage of a year off. Sly and Doris took that year from him and then kind of screwed him by disinheriting him. The only reason I am not livid about that - the disinheriting - is that Primo did get Sly's IRA. It was only because Sly did not have his act together in the end and didn't change the secondary beneficiary, but it worked out to Primo's benefit. I am glad the grandkids are getting money - being able to start your working life without school loan debt is a huge advantage.

(When I got out of the Peace Corps and was looking for a job in Washington, DC - I wanted to stay in international development, I could not figure out how organizations could get someone with a master's degree, a foreign language, and international experience and pay that person only $20,000 a year. That had been my starting salary more than a decade before that - my starting salary with only a BA and only one language.

Then I figured it out - DC and those jobs are designed for the children of rich parents who are willing to give money to their adult children. It's not for the likes of us, who have to earn our own living and whose parents had to earn a living and did not have much left over. So yeah - I am happy that my nieces and nephews will have some freedom as they figure out what they want to do with their lives.)

Anyway, we had that fight and I was stewing about it a bit and also feeling bad because Primo really didn't get a year off to relax but then feeling angry because I was going to have to make all the sacrifices here.

But the issue needed to be resolved and resolved without acrimony because divorcing would be a real pain in the neck, so as we walked to the farmers market, I brought it up. I won't re-create the conversation because honestly, I don't remember the whole thing, but what we decided was

1. Primo would start looking for a job in January.
2. He would start telling his political friends now that he would be looking for political work in January and if they heard of anything to please let him know.
3. A political job that pays only $20,000 a year would not be acceptable. It would have to be a somewhat decent salary, although we both know he would not get what he was making as an engineer.
4. If there is nothing promising happening after three months of looking for a political job, he will expand his search to include looking for engineering work.
5. He will use the "I quit my job to run for public office" line for political interviews, but believes me that such a line would be toxic in the private sector. For engineering jobs, it will be that he quit to take care of his dying parents. Which is actually true - it's what happened, even if that was not his intention.

I can live with that.


  1. Glad you worked it out You have both had a year from hell, and I can imagine Primo just could not face the interview scene where you really have to br UP for it...this sounds like a gentler transition...and maybe you will get your bathtub caulked...

  2. I suppose you are mainly writing jokingly, but in essence you are not really resenting Primo for doing what he wants with his job. I mean, it is nice to be married to a breadwinner but then again , he could have had a mid-life crisis, bought an expensive sports-car, been fired, his multi-billion business tanking, etc. You work ( and have been able to find work ) . you mentioned you feel your career is not really where you want to be. maybe focus on that ( to earn dental/retirement money etc) that keep resenting Primo for wanting the same thing as you ( aka not working).
    With the housework yeah i feel you. I mean hello we are 50/50 all the time ( both working) but since delegating to a cleaner = much happier marriage :)

  3. Come to Silicon Valley! I see a lot of job posts here, especially for engineers. Plus great Mexican food and it's not cold!

    1. Jasmine, it sounds perfect! Unfortunately, that's the place Primo fled before he met me. :(

    2. come to europe! Enginerring jobs aplenty, nice weather, employment contracts, free dental.

  4. No. Marriage is not all sweetness and light. In the past 18 months I had a heart attack and needed emergency heart surgery, then had an endometrial ablation, then a second heart surgery, then a colonoscopy (because, well why not), then had an accident in the yard in December and had 12 internal and 21 external stitches in my forehead (which hurts!!!), then hubby and I went to east coast to visit family for x-mas; parents are in a huge fight with son and DIL, (people refusing to being in the same house), mother is starting to show signs of severe dementia and being nasty to dad....and in the middle of this high anxiety visit my beloved hubby has a meltdown fight with me because we didn't stop to get a sandwich when he was hungry. Argument included tears and crying on both sides. We are still together of course and got through it...but still.

    Yeah no one writes about the real nitty gritty times of marriage. I appreciate reading about you and Primo, and knowing that other real people have real problems.

    1. Oh man. That is awful. I am very sorry that you guys have had such a rough time. I hope that is the worst year of your life and it is getting better. xox

  5. Nope. Marriage is definitely not rainbows and unicorns. However, it is quite pleasant if u end up with the right person. Which sounds like u did. I guess there's that to be grateful for. I took a sabbatical from work when my baby was born and I never heard the end of it! Ur lucky to have a nice husband. Opposite of mine!


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