Ch 12 One week before the wedding - Thursday I make a shopping list for all the meals that I stupidly plan to serve our houseguests. No. Wait. The stupid part is having houseguests at all. DO NOT DO THIS.

Did I tell you that Sly and Doris are staying with us for nine days, arriving on Saturday before the wedding, and not leaving until the Sunday after? My family arrives Thursday before the wedding and leave on Monday.

I have to plan meals for those times.

No. I do not HAVE TO. I HAVE CHOSEN TO. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT.

I do not know why I am doing this except in my mind, it is the obligation of the host to feed the people who are in her house.

If you get married, don’t let anyone stay at your house. Don’t tell people you’ll cook all the meals. Tell them they are in charge of their own lodging and their own meals. You will be a lot happier. Trust me. I am a good cook and I am super organized, but just thinking about cooking for as many as (let me count) eight people at once is giving me a headache.

Why am I doing this? I am already dealing with Sly and Doris staying in our house. Why are people who

·         Do not like me

·         Cannot even take care of themselves, much less help anyone else

·         Threatened to BOYCOTT MY WEDDING

staying in my house? And then why am I planning meals for everyone else?

I AM AN IDIOT.

Primo: Remember they're lactose intolerant. They drink Lactaid.

Me: Ask them if soy milk is OK. I have to get that for my mom and sister anyhow. They can’t drink Lactaid.

My mom and sister are lactose intolerant enough that the teeniest bit of milk or cheese or ice cream makes them more than uncomfortable. They can't even drink Lactaid. When my sister and I celebrated her getting her master’s degree by taking a vacation at a cooking school in Italy, she just looked longingly at the gelato and the cheese.

She ended up being better off. I not only looked at the gelato and cheese, I sampled liberally. Did you know that it is possible to gain eight pounds in one week? It is in Italy.

Primo: I asked. Soy milk is not OK. Lactaid only.

Did you know that the smallest unit in which Lactaid is available is a half-gallon? And that Lactaid is not cheap? It isn’t. It is even more expensive than Diet Dr Pepper.

YES I KNOW I AM A BITCH. But I am pregnant, OK? And my fiancé’s parents told him not to marry me and that they were boycotting the wedding. I AM STRESSED.