Ch 12 They drink our Good Bourbon and eat our Good Cheese, which I didn’t even think of hiding because I was thinking “lactose intolerant” as I bought the expensive Lactaid, even though they won’t even buy canned diet Dr Pepper for me, and completely forgot that they eat crummy cheese at their house

4:00 Sunday afternoon. Pie is in the oven. Time for Snack.

Sly: We’re hungry!

Me: Good! Primo is grilling a steak for supper. I’m making salad. I’m making dinner rolls from scratch. We’ll eat in about two hours.

Homemade dinner rolls. How dumb is that? I will never make homemade bread for drinkers again.[1] Drinkers who used to be smokers. Their taste buds are shot. It’s a waste of good food.

Sly: This is when we eat our snack.

Which I also knew. The bitch in me is asking (silently), “Do you think it might have made a difference if you had eaten lunch?”

I sigh. What is there to do but give them their snack?

With their snack, they must have bourbon.

Remember the part about how the liquor stores here are not open on Sundays?

We should have hidden the Good Booze in the basement. But too late. As I am asking if Jägermeister or Rumchata is OK, Sly sees the small bottle of – shoot! What kind is it? I am not a connoisseur – all I know is that when I wanted to use a few tablespoons to make bourbon balls at Christmas a few years ago, Primo grabbed the bottle out of my hands and told me it was the Good Bourbon and I could not use it for baking.

How do you tell your in-laws to be that nope, they can’t have the Good Bourbon? If it were just me, I would have no problems. I would just say, “Oh I am so sorry! That was a gift and we are saving it for A Very Special Occasion. But I am happy to offer you Jägermeister!”

The Rude Me would say, “Seriously? YOU DON’T EVEN BUY LUNCH FOOD WHEN WE VISIT AND YOU WANT TO THROW BACK OUR GOOD BOURBON?”

“Do you have any cheese?” they ask.

We have cheese. What we do not have is cheap cheese appropriate for people who claim to be lactose intolerant and who require Lactaid.

What we have is Carr Valley $22 a pound cheese. That Primo and I eat sparingly. As a true snack, not as a meal. How could I have missed putting cheap cheese on my grocery list?

Easy. Because I was distracted by their insistence on Lactaid.  

Cheap cheese has its place. Velveeta has its uses. How else do you make Ro-Tel dip? And nothing wrong with the store-brand cheddar for broccoli cheese casserole.

But I am out of Velveeta. Stupid. I wasn’t thinking. Everyone should have some shelf-stable cheese around for cheese emergencies.[2] Our cheese drawer has nothing but Good Cheese.

Speaking of the Good Cheese, take a look at the wedding cake our friends Patrick and Ilene had. This is cake made to look like a fabulous cheese tray.

It didn’t occur to me that they would expect Snack, which of course would include cheese, which is dumb. I insist on maintaining my crazy food schedule of eating lunch when I am at their house. They eat cheese and crackers and drink bourbon at 4:00 and that’s just how they do it.

I should have known better. This is my fault.

Seriously. I am being a total idiot about this. I knew they ate snack at 4:00! I knew they ate cheese! I have no excuse not to be prepared.

Except that I am busy, you know, pregnant and having a miscarriage. And having my husband-to-be’s parents sleep IN OUR ROOM IN OUR BED.

If you haven't had anything to eat since 8:00 a.m. because you don't eat lunch, you're going to be hungrier than the average person by 4:00 p.m., so you are going to fill up on cheese, even if you are allegedly lactose intolerant. And even if the cheese costs $22 a pound. More so, probably, because it is easy to eat a lot of good cheese.

Primo is upstairs, working so he can take off Thursday and Friday.

Yes, I am kind of pissed that I am stuck entertaining his parents. Why do you ask?

Sly calls up to him. “Would you please make us our snack?” he yells.

I am in the kitchen, making the rolls.

Me: Sly, I can do it for you. Or I can make some room here for you to work.

Sly: Primo can do it.

What kind of idiot plans to make bread from scratch for houseguests the week of her wedding? Bread can be bought. (I just love bread photos.)

Of course. Only Primo can cut the cheese.[3] They don’t want to cut it themselves. They don’t want me to cut it. They want Primo to cut it, put it on a tray with some crackers, and carry it into the living room for them, then sit with them while they throw back their bourbon. Our bourbon. Our Good Bourbon that I can’t even use for bourbon balls.

To keep the darn peace, he comes downstairs from office and cuts it.

Lord. I suppose that technically, the host does prepare and serve the food, but aren’t the rules a little more fluid when the host and the guests are immediate family? I have no problems jumping in to help at my mom’s. My sister and I usually take over meal preparation and kitchen cleanup altogether because hey, why shouldn’t my mom have a break? She’s not our maid.

I don’t mind when my family and friends are at home in my kitchen. If we have already agreed that they are going to eat all my $22 a pound cheese, which my mom and sister would not do as they are truly lactose intolerant[4] (but I would not mind if they did because I love them and want to share good things with them), then there is no reason they shouldn’t cut it up as well.

The same should go for Sly and Doris.

Oh I crack myself up thinking I can apply logic to Sly and Doris.

Primo cuts cheese for them. Sits with them while they eat and drink (our Good Bourbon). Then he goes back upstairs to work. I hide in the kitchen, making my from-scratch dinner rolls.[5]

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[1] Let me amend that. I will never make homemade bread for people who are staying in my house for my wedding again, even if I like them. It’s too much work.

[2] A cheese emergency is when you have to feed cheese to people you don’t like.

[3] Ha. I said, “Cut the cheese.”

[4] The kind of lactose intolerant where you can’t eat any cheese because cheese has, you know, lactose.

[5] I am going to amend my previous statement that I will not make from-scratch bread again for houseguests. It is actually a great way to get out of spending time with guests you don’t like, as long as they do not follow you into the kitchen.