In which Primo still has not told his friends that his mom died

1. Primo still has not told his friends - except for a few very close friends - that his mother died. It has been three weeks. I have suggested that he tell them, but he says because he is so busy dealing with Sly drama, he does not have time to talk to people when they call or to return their emails.

I said that nobody expects you to call them back or answer their emails when you say your mom dies. They just want to tell you how sad they are for you. This is the one time in life when a thank-you note is not required.

2. I talked to Stephanie, my ex-sister in law (Jack's ex wife) for 90 minutes last night. We were comparing notes on Ted and wondering how we were going to get through Doris' funeral without killing Ted. I asked if she wanted any of my leftover valium from my oral surgery and she told me no thanks, she already has xanax.

She was helping Primo clean out Doris' clothes. In the guest room closet, under a box of sweaters (because everyone takes heavy sweaters when they retire to Florida?), she found a box of books. She opened it and then slammed it shut again right away.

"It was a box of sex --"

"Omigosh!" I blurted out. "You found the sex toys?"

"The WHAT?"

"The sex toys! Sly was reminiscing to Primo about - I can't even say it out loud - certain intimate practices he and Doris enjoyed. There were toys involved."

"This was books!" she laughed. "I told Primo he needed to deal with it. But what toys?"

I shook my head. "I swear I cannot even say it. But wash your hands!"

"Definitely!"

"I can be lax about washing my hands after I pee," I said. "When you travel in third-world countries, you get used to not being able to wash your hands. I think it has made my immune system really strong. It takes a lot to gross me out. But I don't want to touch anything that Sly has touched!"

"Me neither! The things he talks about!"

"I KNOW! I don't care what he does, but for someone who thinks he is so refined, Sly sure is tacky when it comes to talking about what he does in bed. SLY! I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW!"

We talked about Ted and she told me Ted's wife said that if Ted was in Florida longer than two weeks, she was going to come rescue him.

And then there is some kind of drama about a set of silver that Sly and his first wife got when they were married. The ex wife - Ted's and Jack's mom - still has the silver and has told Ted's wife she can have it when she (the ex) dies.

Sly and Doris decided the silver should stay "in the family" and that it should go to Maria, Stephanie and Jack's daughter.

I was puzzled. "Wait. How do Sly and Doris get to decide what happens to something that belongs to Jack's mom? And since when is Ted's wife is not part of 'the family?'" I asked. "I guess that means I am not, either." (Which is fine with me.)

Stephanie didn't have an answer. "All's I know is that Sly and Doris asked Ted and Jack to say something to the ex that Maria should get the silver. So now Ted's wife is mad. And the only reason either Jack or Ted are even involved now is because they want Sly's money. Ted's wife told me they spend $250,000 a  year on school for their son."

I did the math in my head. That is one thousand dollars a day! I would be a teacher for a thousand dollars a day!

The bigger question is 1. how can they afford it (they can't) and 2. what kind of school charges that kind of money?

"They are now interested in helping" (Ted had not been to visit Sly for a year and a half) "because they want to inherit?" I asked.

"Um hmm," Stephanie answered.

"But Sly is a retired teacher! He doesn't have any money!"

"I don't know," she said. "I just know that whenever Sly and Doris have needed help over the past few years, they never get it from Jack, who lives 30 minutes away. It's always Primo."

"Yeah, that needs to stop," I said.

It hadn't occurred to me that Ted and Jack are swooping in for the inheritance. But I am getting to like more and more the idea that Sly had proposed that Primo would divide the money. I don't really care if Ted and Jack ever talk to Primo again and I don't think he does, either.