Thursday, June 27, 2013

In which Primo and I try to figure out how I should address my groveling letter to Sly and Doris

Wait! Did I tell you guys that Sly and Doris were really ticked off at the way I addressed my thank-you note to them for the Christmas present they sent me that I didn't even want and Lordhavemercy we have tried and tried to stop the presents arms race because

1. we don't need anything
2. Sly and Doris don't need anything
3. whatever Sly and Doris ask us to get for them is just going to be more tacky crap we will have to get rid of when they die and we are stuck cleaning out their house because we know there is no way they will ever start cutting down the clutter
4. Even if we did need something, Sly and Doris wouldn't get it because they would rather get us crap from the Femilist catalogue or from the place that sells the horrible Chinese pressed wood tables with hummingbirds painted on them where you can't get a cash refund if you are a gift recipient but have to exchange instead. But all their items are horrible Chinese pressed wood painted with hummingbirds!

So anyway. They sent me a book, which was a nice thought - that they would want to give me a present, but they already know that I don't buy books because hello I go to the library all the time. Primo bought them a toaster oven and spent Lord knows how much money flying there and renting a car the weekend before Christmas.

But it was a book I didn't want. So I returned it. Got my $14 credit at

Primo was horrified. "What if they find out?" he gasped.

"They won't," I assured him. "I asked."

"But what about when they ask me if you liked it?" he asked.

"Tell them yes," I answered, shrugging. Honestly. The guy was Phi Beta Kappa and he has to ask me how to handle this situation?

"But what if they want to know specifics?"

Lord. "You mean if they give you a pop quiz?" Because it's not like they would be talking to me about it. I can't remember the last time I spoke to them. It would have been the last time I visited them, which was what - three years ago?

Doris and I do not chat on the phone.

I sighed. "I'll get it from the library and read enough that you can give them a report, OK?"

Of course I wrote a thank-you note. Of course.

I addressed it to "Drunk" instead of "Mr and Mrs S. T. Drunk."

For the return address, I wrote, "Digger" and not "Gold Digger Drunk."

They were ticked. Raged to Primo that I don't know how to address a letter.

Well of course I do.

They raged that I was being disrespectful.

"Tell them to blow me," I told Primo. "I address letters to my mother that way and I love my mother. I don't even like your parents. I was not singling them out in any way."

So now the debate is how do I address the groveling note that I am sending to Sly and Doris? I could just email the note to them, but then they might email back immediately. Plus there is no guarantee - indeed, it is highly likely that this would be the outcome - that they wouldn't immediately forward it to Ted and Jack, crowing that Ha! It's about TIME! that that BITCH finally CAME AROUND!

Primo has suggested that I address it to Mr and Mrs S.T. Drunk. I pointed out that I am not even supposed to know what they tell him, as their weekly mandatory conversations carry the seal of the confessional on them.

Primo said, "That's for most things. But for things where I am supposed to correct you, then I have to tell you. My dad even said on this one that I am supposed to keep you in line."

Well OK. Draw me that line.