In which we get a Christmas card for Sly and Doris addressed to them at our address and we cannot figure out how that happened

How? How does it happen that someone - not a catalog, not a charity, not a political organization - has our address as Sly and Doris' address?

I really want to know.

And I want it to stop. I want not to get their mail. I want not to have frequent reminders of them. Our Christmas this year was so much nicer without them. Five years ago, we went to Spain for Christmas and Sly and Doris were furious. They sent Primo an email telling him - these were their words - that he was a "bad son." Sly told Primo that Doris was threatening suicide. Doris sent Primo an email on Christmas day telling him that "everything sucks and I get despondent."

I am not making this stuff up, people. Those of you from nice families might find it hard to believe that parents like Sly and Doris exist, but they do!

But they are finally gone and Primo and I are getting to have a life without their constant demands and drama and it is nice. Am I asking too much not to get their dang mail?

In which we return from being gone for ten days but do not find any pears from Ted

But Ted did call us on Christmas, when we were at the airport. We had a long layover in Atlanta and were getting into the "We are going on vacation!" and "We are going to be eating churros y chocolate in less than 24 hours!" groove when Primo's phone rang.

It was Ted.

Ick.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, not a Deal With The Drama That Is Ted day.

Man, I cannot stand him. The guy is such a jerk. Who expects to be paid for attending his own father's funeral?

(Although I have to cut Ted some slack here when I think about the part where Sly abandoned Ted and Jack to an woman Sly spent the rest of his life defining as the evil alcoholic harridan bitch from hell, even to Ted and Jack, which really? This is how you talk about your sons' mother to them?

And how Sly refused to pay anything for Ted's college, saying that Ted, who went to a decent school - not fabulous, but decent, could have gone to the tier 4 school where Sly taught for free. Sly also pointed out that his child support obligations ended when Ted turned 18. And that Ted's stepfather could afford to pay Ted's tuition - even though Ted's stepfather was not, you know, Ted's father.

Sly didn't have the same attitude toward Primo. He never suggested that Primo attend the college where Sly taught and he paid all of Primo's college bills.

So - hmmm. Maybe Ted has reason to feel a little disrespected by Sly and maybe Sly should have paid for Ted to attend his funeral because honestly, if I were Ted, that might the only way I would have gone.)(I went to Sly's funeral to support Primo and to make sure that he was dead.)

OK. But even with these caveats and a degree of sympathy for Ted for having such a crummy father, neither of us want to talk to him.

But Primo said, "If I don't talk to him now, he will just keep calling."

"You could block his number," I said. "That's what I have done."

Primo rolled his eyes. "I'm going to get it over with."

He came back a few minutes later.

"Is he sending us pears again?" I asked.

"He didn't mention it."

"Did he ask for money?"

"Nope."

"That's weird."

"Yeah. He didn't even suggest that it was looming."

"But we know it is."

When we got home from the trip, there were no pears waiting. Ted is falling down on the job.