Wednesday Aug 22 Sauce for the goose

Primo: I went to this house. They had a bumper sticker that said, "I support teachers, not the Koch brothers." But the voter list showed both a Stripe and a Polka Dot, so I knocked.

Me: And?

Primo: It was the husband who answered the door. He's a Stripe, his wife is a Polka Dot. He was nice to me, though.

Me: You sound so surprised.

Primo: He even said that he would give my literature to his wife when she got home.

Me: That's because Stripes are nice people.

Primo: Do you think I would rip it in half if it were someone coming to the door for you?

Me: Maybe not, but I know if I were running for office, you would not be as supportive of me as I am of you.

Primo: Probably not.

Wednesday Aug 22 Comforting the lonely

Primo: I knocked on the door of an old lady today. She must have been 80. She told me she was a Stripe, but she was so nice and wanted to talk.

Me: That was nice of you.

Primo: Then she asked me if her husband's name was on my voter list.

Me: Was it?

Primo: No. I looked, but it wasn't there. I told her and she said that he had died recently. I think she's really lonely. So we talked for about 15 minutes.

Wednesday Aug 22 Primo gets a campaign contribution from an interest group

Primo: I gave a speech tonight at the meeting of the APWWSEETCATOI.

Me: How did it go?

Primo: Good! They gave me a $500 contribution.

Me: Your speech must have been really good.

Primo: Not really. There were three other candidate speakers and they all got $500, too.



* Association of People Who Want to Screw Everyone Else so They Can Advance Their Own Interests

Monday Aug 20 Primo does doors and sees other cats

Primo: When I was doing doors tonight, I saw a lot of kitties.

Me: None as pretty as ours, right?

Primo: None as loud and whiny as the Smart Cat. She is loudest cat I have ever heard.

Monday August 20 What if Primo got a mistress?

My hairdresser: I can't believe they nominated that jerk for the senate! Everyone knows he's a drunk and a womanizer!

Me: I didn't know that!

Hairdresser: You weren't living here yet.

Me: I wonder if Primo will start fooling around. I don't know when he would - he's so busy campaigning.

Hairdresser: It's after they're elected. Then they have time.

Me: I told him he could have a mistress now as long as she cleaned the house, did the laundry, cut the grass, and cooked supper before I got home.

Hairdresser: That sounds like a good deal.

Me: But if he has one later, I will leave him and take all the money.

Sunday Aug 19 To strike or not to strike

Primo and I disagree about the appropriate way for him to spend his campaign time.

Let me offer you a scenario and you decide.

Primo could

1. do doors in his district or

2. Go stand in a picket line with a bunch of illegal aliens who want to unionize at a small pickle factory where they make $12 an hour plus benefits for stuffing cucumbers in jars, which I don't think anyone would argue is skilled labor deserving of high compensation. These illegal aliens do not live in his district. Even if they did, they could not (legally) vote. The factory is not in his district. The voters in his district are probably more concerned with tuition increases at the state university, where they hope to send their children, than they are with the plight of allegedly underpaid illegal aliens.

What do you think he should do?

Saturday Aug 18 The creeping crap of campaign junk

What they don't tell you about running a political campaign - well, there is no they and nobody is telling anyone anything - is that in addition to the fact that you will never see your campaigning spouse again except when he is sleeping, your house will start to fill up with junk.

We already had a junk problem that I kept under control through ruthless junk management. Of my own junk, I mean. Primo's junk, I don't control, as much as I would like to. Primo's junk is his and he will let his 1993 Apple employee handbook be taken from his cold, dead fingers.

Now, in addition to Primo's old junk that he imported from where he used to live halfway across the country to where we now live, we are getting campaign junk.

Direct mail from companies that provide campaign-related services.

Campaign materials from other candidates.

Clipboards.

Primo's door literature.

Primo's voter lists.

Because his office is already full of his work junk - training manuals for products that his company no longer sells, the Leaning Tower of Visa, coupons that expired two years ago, Primo has claimed the stairs, the upstairs hallway, and the guest room. He has tried to take over the dining room.

The kudzu of his crap is forming a tapestry that covers almost the entire second floor and will make its way down the stairs into the space where I live. It will probably smother me in my sleep.

Friday Aug 17 Some donations are more equal than others

Primo: I didn't get out to do doors today. I was too busy arranging the campaign launch event.

Me: How'd it go?

Primo: I got some sponsors lined up.

Me: What is a sponsor?

Primo: Someone who donates at least $100 - $50 to me and $50 to MaryJane. [MaryJane is in the next district and has done some campaigning with Primo. I do not like MJ at all and I like her even less now that I have known her longer. She posts crazy things on her facebook page without understanding the issues. Plus her cigarette breath just about knocks me out.]

Me: Wow! Who did you get?

Primo: Blake, Blake's dad, Terrence C., Christine A. [All local politicians.]

Me: That's really nice.

Primo: Terrence C. was impressed at what I did last week. He wants to give me more than he gives to MaryJane.

Me: Of course he does.

Primo: I said as long as we keep it on the down low and as long as he gives at least $50 to MaryJane.

Me: That sounds fair.

Friday Aug 17 Primo has to ask for money

Primo: I went to the country Polka Dot meeting last night.

Me: How was it?

Primo: After I gave my little speech, a guy wrote me a check for $50!

Me: Wow!

Primo: I know! I said at the end of my speech that I hated to do it, but I needed to ask for donations.

Me: That must have been hard - to ask for money.

Primo: It was. I don't like doing it.

Me: But that's neat that it worked!

Primo: Yes! This morning, I've been calling politicians to ask if they'll help with fundraisers for me, but I've just gotten their voicemail, so that's easier.

Thursday Aug 16 Primo talks to people who disagree with him

When I got home from work, Primo was out doing doors. I called him.

Primo: This neighborhood is hard! The houses are far apart and there are no sidewalks.

Me: That's a lot of walking.

Primo: And the people I just spoke to are conspiracy theorists about election fraud.

Me: Why were you even talking to them?

Primo: Because on my voter list, it didn't show their affiliation. So I had to knock on their door. And then they wanted to argue.

Me: Don't argue with them! They will never vote for you. You're just wasting your time.

Primo: I can't believe they believe this stuff. They said there were vanfuls of people being brought in to vote at the last election. What a bunch of crap. There is no voter fraud!

Me: Well, how would you know?

Primo: How would I know what?

Me: How would you know if someone committed election fraud? If they're voting under someone else's name - they don't have to show ID - then even if the real voter came later and discovered someone had voted in his name, how would you know who to look for? You don't have a name! And if the real voter never shows up, you don't know.

Primo: If there's a problem, then people should call the police.

Me: But how do you know when to call them? Nobody has to show ID! What are the police supposed to do? Take fingerprints from the pen every voter has used to sign the book?

Wednesday Aug 15 Election results

Primo is a happy, happy man. All the candidates he has been working with for the primary won last night. I don't care one way or another because these are all Polka Dots running in completely safe Polka Dot seats that don't have Stripes challengers. It matters not to me which Polka Dot holds a Polka Dot seat. It might as well be one of Primo's friends who can help him get elected.

Stephanie Perry won, despite the smear campaign against her by her fellow Polka Dots. Now she and her dripping with disdain husband will be moving into her new district. That is, they will be selling one house and buying another and paying to move, all for a job that pays $49,000 a year. It must be nice to be able to do politics as a hobby.

He didn't get home until I was asleep and he was asleep when I left for work, but I know he will be in a very good mood when I get home.