Saturday, August 22, 2015

In which Primo stays up all night to do the taxes and then we fight before he leaves for Sly and Doris'

Primo stayed up all night to finish the taxes.

So he didn't get any sleep and I didn't get any sleep because how can you sleep when you don't know when or if your husband is coming to bed?

And then you think, Well he can sleep on the plane, but then you think, But we have to drive to the airport and Primo always wants to be the driver and even if it's OK going to the airport, how will it be once he is where Sly and Doris live and has to drive the hour from the airport to their house (what were they thinking?). If he gets killed in a car accident, there is almost no life insurance on him because he is no longer working, so his death would not free you from daily labor and strife so it wouldn't even be worth it.

Primo said, "What if they threaten to disinherit me?"

I said, "I would say Thank You Jesus. You could walk away from that madhouse with a clear conscience."

"But I am still the executor of the will."

"So what? Pay someone to do everything. It would come from the estate, which you are not getting any of anyhow."

He was cranky. I was cranky. We fought. We fought over dumb stuff, like how he came to bed at 6:23, two minutes before my alarm was set to go off only of course I was awake because how can you sleep when you don't know what's going on? I was ticked because he wanted me to wake him up in 20 minutes - which is longer than I need for my shower and to start drying my hair, but I didn't want to run the hairdryer if he was sleeping.

Who gets worthwhile sleep when it is only 20 minutes?

And then we fought because it was 6:45 and he would not get his ass out of bed and I wanted to get him to the airport so I could get to work because I don't have enough political capital at this new job to come waltzing in whenever I feel like it.

Then we fought because he thought it was a good idea to put the dry dishes away and to wash the dishes he had put in the sink overnight when he had to eat chocolate cake and ice cream, which I think are perfectly reasonable ways to console onesself when one is pulling an all-nighter at our age.

I pointed out that putting dishes away and washing other dishes was not exactly on the critical path of 1. getting to the airport and 2. getting to work. He said that he just wanted me to come home to a clean house. I said I do not care stop doing the dishes before I punch you in the nose.

I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have punched him in the nose. I have not done that sort of thing for a very long time

Although I am not opposed to using violence when violence is necessary. This woman wrote how she wouldn't have a gun in her house because she could never under any circumstances shoot anyone and I thought, I sure could shoot someone. I would have no problems whatsoever shooting someone who had broken into my home and was coming after me or someone I loved. No problems at all.

Then I logged into my work email and discovered that my 9 a.m. meeting was postponed until 1:00 p.m., which really made me cranky because that meant I would have to go to the gym and be done by 1, but also made getting to work on time not so stressful, only I made the mistake of mentioning it to Primo, who immediately said, "So it's not so critical that we leave at 7:30?" And that ticked me off and we were off and running again.

But then we got into the car and bonded over our shared anger at Sly and Doris and we fumed and talked about how awful they were all the way to the airport and then I apologized to him for being a bitch and he apologized to me for not getting the taxes done before now and for staying up all night and we kissed and it's all good except of course Sly and Doris are going to be pissy again.

Friday, August 21, 2015

In which Primo contemplates a driving the moneychangers out of the temple moment

Primo: I am thinking of storming into my mom and dad's house and breaking all the liquor bottles.

Me: Hmmmm.

Primo: Maybe not the right thing to do?

Me: Well, it might make you feel better.

Primo: Definitely.

In which Primo is getting even more cranky about leaving tomorrow for Sly and Doris'

Primo: I am really angry. I am getting cranky. I talked to Jack. They are OBLIVIOUS. All they are doing is drinking. My mom's oxygen machine stopped working and they didn't even notice! They heard something beeping but thought it was from the construction across the street!

Me: But it's Sunday!

Primo: I know! They are that much out of it! At least last time when I went it because of my dad's surgery. This is just because of their stupidity - because of my dad getting drunk and falling on my mom and she's the one who's injured, not him.

Me: Didn't your mom notice she wasn't getting oxygen?

Primo: Nope.

In which Primo gets even more annoyed about his pending trip to Sly and Doris'

Primo: I don't want to go.

Me: I don't blame you.

Primo: They are not going to be nice. They are not going to be grateful.

Me: I know.

Primo: That time I went to all that trouble to take a Good Steak for them* they didn't even like it.

Me: They didn't even bother to say, "Thank you Son for going through all this trouble to share something with us that you think is special."

Primo: Of course not! Why should they care about anyone else's feelings? Oh. Did I tell you what Jack [his half-brother texted yesterday?]**

Me: No.

Primo: He wrote that they are oblivious and that they need a reality check.

Me: They do!

Primo: Did I tell you what happened yesterday when I called?

Me: No.

Primo: My mom handed the phone to my dad and said, "Here's Primo. He's bitching at us." That was after I asked her not to be drunk when I got there.

* I was adamantly opposed to the idea.
1. They are drunks and have no taste buds.
2. I don't like them and do not want to share one of our Good Steaks with them.
3. I do not want to do anything nice for mean people.

** Jack is staying with Sly and Doris this weekend until Primo gets there.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

In which Primo asks Doris not to be drunk when he arrives and Doris is all offended because SHE DOES NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM

Primo just got off the phone with Sly and Doris. He confirmed that Doris cannot get to the bathroom on her own. He asked Doris to not be drunk when he arrived and she said whaaaat? she is never drunk! Never!

Primo reminded her that she was drunk the past two times he went there and she said that whaaat? she did not remember that at all. I said Well she wouldn't would she?

Then Primo told Sly that his goal is that Sly and Doris will have hired help before Primo leaves. Sly protested that they didn't need no stinkin' help. And then he cited Ted's mother in law, who has daily help, at Ted's wife's insistence, as she could not keep flying to her mom's to help. "[Ted's wife's mom] doesn't even like the person who comes in to help!"

To which I said, That is fine they do not have to like whomever they hire. They don't even have to hire anyone. But they have to understand that you will no longer be flying there to help them with basic everyday tasks for which they are perfectly capable of hiring help.

Then Sly joked that he should just call Rent a Son. I told Primo he should call Rent a Father to find parents who actually have their lives in order.

Primo asked, But what if they disinherit me?

And I said, You are already not in the will and if they disinherit you or threaten to disinherit you again, then you can say, Fine. Have a nice life.

(Besides, they will drink all their money before they die, anyhow.)

Monday, August 17, 2015

In which Primo is planning his fifth (fourth? I am having a hard time keeping track) emergency visit to Sly and Doris' in six months

Primo: I am going to have to change my mother's bedpan in the potty chair.

Me: That is going to be gross.

Primo: So will my dad tell me I shouldn't be grossed out?

Me: I don't know.

Primo: He was cranky when I called him before - he said they were getting too many phone calls.

Me: You mean calls from their children, who are concerned about them?

Primo: Yes.

Me: What are you going to do if they refuse to do anything? To hire help, to plan a move?

Primo: They have to do something!

Me: But what will you do if they don't?

Primo: They HAVE to!

Me: You can't make them.

Primo: But I can't keep going there to take care of them in a crisis!

Me: It's working for them so far.

Primo: I am going to tell them that before I leave, they have to have someone hired to come in and help them every day.

Me: And if they don't?

Primo: They have to! I can't keep doing this!