In which presents come and we wonder if they could be from -- Satan?

Primo's birthday approaches.

You all know how fraught gift-giving events are with Sly and Doris.

I would rather get nothing at all than get something crummy for which I need to fake gratitude.

Primo is in a tougher position, as Sly and Doris are his parents and will bug him for feedback. Did he like it, did he like it?

I never talk to them, so I just have to write a brief, courteous thank-you note.

Primo's birthday.

Here's what my mom will do: She will send us a check for $100 so we can go out for a nice dinner.

Which we will happily use, as we have a hard time spending that much of our money on a meal. But gift money? That's OK.

We would love another $100 check. There are always concerts and plays and nice dinners that seem too splurgy with our own money but are tailor-made for gift money.

Today, three large envelopes - 11x17" - came in the mail.

Primo waited until I got home from work to open them.

He opened envelope number 1. Slit the letter opener carefully along the edge. Slid out the contents.

An 11x17" photo of a sea turtle.

You guys, I could not make this stuff up if I tried.

An 11x17" photo of a sea turtle. And a certificate of adoption. And a 2013 calendar.

Just what he's always wanted.

He opened the second envelope.

Slid out the contents.

An 11x17" photo of a wolf. And a certificate of adoption. And a 2013 calendar.

But wait there's more.

He opened the third envelope.

An 11x17" photo of a panther. And a certificate of adoption. And a 2013 calendar.

Primo is a new father.

"Why can't your parents just send normal gifts?" I asked. "Why can't they just send a check? Or something you want?"

"We don't know that it's from them," he answered.

"It could be from my mom," I suggested.

Primo rolled his eyes. "Your mom sends us cash. Your sister sends weird stuff, but it's weird stuff she thinks we'll like, like that sampler pack from the bacon place.*"

"Oh right," I said. "It's not like she was trying to impose her beliefs on us. It's not like she sent it to vegetarians."


* It included eight kinds of bacon salt, so we are good on salt for the rest of our lives or at least until we are both on AARP.