Thursday, February 18, 2010

In which Sly assumes I read Primo's mail and also assumes Primo keeps Big Secrets from me

September 2008. Two weeks before our wedding.

Primo and I are driving back from a long weekend with friends. His phone rings. It's Sly. Primo tells Sly that we are in the car. Oh. Sly is surprised that I am present. He can't have the conversation that he wants to have with Primo.

Well, then. He asks Primo if Primo's email is "secure."

Huh? What does he mean by that?

Oh. Do I read Primo's email?

Of course not. First of all, we don't share an email address, unlike Sly and Doris, who, in an effort to save money, have a joint email account.

I joke.

But what is up with married couples who will not get their own email addresses? They are free, people. Freeeeeeeeee.

One friend said what did it matter that she and her husband shared an email, she told her husband everything anyhow. Gee thanks, I said. I had no idea you were passing all my personal confidences on to your husband. I will be sure to censor everything I tell you in the future. Like I need your husband to know about my Female Problems? Yes, women do talk about these things. No I do not your husband to know and guess what he does not want to know either.

Not that I think there should necessarily be secrets between spouses, but some things are None Of Primo's Business. For example, if a friend told me she was pregnant but swore me to secrecy because she had just found out and had not even told her mother, I would respect that. That secret would have nothing to do with Primo. I would never keep anything from him that had to do with him, but things that are none of his business are none of his business. By the same token, I do not expect him to share with me things his friends tell him in confidence.

Back to the "secure" email. No, I do not read Primo's email, even though I have been tempted. Sure, I've been in Primo's office and his email has been open and I've seen email from Isabel in the inbox. But I do not open it. I am not a snoop.

Well. Unless it is important. When I was in the Peace Corps, I had met this US embassy guy and gone out with him a few times. He was 32 and Had Not Yet Known Woman, if you know what I mean. I was in the capital and staying with him for two nights. He slept in his room, I slept in the guest room. He had gone to work and I was curious to know just what he thought might transpire that night.

So yeah, I looked in his nightstand.

Oh like you wouldn't.

In the top drawer there were three condoms.


On top of a towel that hid some skanky porn magazines that he must have brought from the US because they were in English, not in the local language. I didn't know why he thought he needed to hide the magazines.

What he thought might happen did not happen. After a few more dates, we did not go out any more, either. Nice guy, but we just weren't that into each other.

Primo and I can't figure out what Sly might want to discuss with him without my hearing.

"Maybe what they should get us for a wedding present?" Primo suggests.

Because Sly has to know that no matter what he tells Primo, eventually I will hear it. Primo's first loyalty is to me. Primo will not keep a secret about me from me. The only thing that Primo would keep a secret from me would be something that would benefit me in some way, like a present or a surprise party.

We speculate for a while. What kind of cool present might they be planning to get us? We've already told our families that we don't need anything, which is true. We are merging two complete households, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't like something neat, like a gift certificate to a restaurant we wouldn't otherwise consider or a season's subscription to the theater.

When we get home and Primo talks to his dad, we find out that no, it's not about a wedding present.

We find out that Sly and Doris are mad about something I wrote in my old blog.

We find out they aren't coming to the wedding.


  1. God, they never cease to amaze me with their bitterness. Life's way too short, and their son is way too nice a guy...

  2. But they did come to the wedding and were miserable house guests in the process. And this was after telling you they weren't going to come.

    They showed you.

  3. A friend sent me the link to this blog to pass on to ANOTHER friend, who believes that all dating/engaged/married people should share all personal information and e-mail passwords.

    Your entry above is the perfect explanation -- that I have tried to get through to him -- about WHY that's not the case.

    I ended up reading the whole blog. It's wonderful! Keep writing! I want to know how the story ends.

  4. Maureen, I still cannot believe Primo turned out as well as he did. Lucky for me, huh?

    Richard, yeah, they did show me. I would have been happy if they'd stuck to their guns.

    Historigirl, thank you! Nope, there is room for privacy, although I keep telling Primo I do want a list of his passwords in case he dies in a plane crash. I don't want his email pw, but I do want access to his FF miles!

  5. Https was invented for complaints about oatmeal. I thought everyone knew that?

  6. Gold Digger --

    I passed this on to my friend, who -- surprise, surprise -- didn't agree with you. But I think he's just looking for justification for the fact that he broke into his soon-to-be-fiancee's FB, saw an e-mail from her ex-fiance, called her on what it said (divvying up of joint purchases), then got offended when she got mad that he had violated her privacy.

    Oh, btw -- they're only doing four weeks of premarital counselling, one hour per week, because "he thinks that's all they need."


  7. The thing about coupley email is, my email is clogged up with all sorts of stuff that is of only interest to me (clothing store offers, FB invites, reply to blog comments, the usual digital detritus). It's enough of a chore to keep on top of this stuff for me, but for two people? That would be so annoying. Plus, my friends who email me random stuff, they expect *me* to read it (and vice versa).

  8. LPC, yes! Secure email for your family secrets!

    Historigirl, is your friend's soon to be fiancee reconsidering the relationship? I would be more than ticked if Primo broke into my email. It's not that we keep secrets from each other, it's that you should respect each other's privacy. BOUNDARIES, people. BOUNDARIES.

    Sing, I know! Like I want all that crap from or world market? Primo has one email address and gets junk from everyone. I have an email for ordering stuff and another that's just for my mom and Primo and my best friends and another that's for my resume, etc, etc. It takes him forever to go through his mail, electronic and regular. It takes me seconds because I don't bother with the junk. If we shared, I would be so ticked off that he wouldn't want me to delete the junk. I don't want to share email with him. It's annoying enough to share regular mail!