Monday, March 1, 2010

In which I tell Primo I won't talk about Sly and Doris on my blog

September 2008 We are stilll in the pre-wedding drama of Sly and Doris threatening not to come to the wedding because they are so mad, so traumatized by my statement on my blog about my concern about seating three "vocal atheists" at the wedding supper.

Primo says they are insulted that I think they might not know how to behave in public.

I know they don't know how to behave in private. Mean, vicious gossip about their own family to strangers. Foul language. And that's sober. Drunk, they are even worse.

I have seen them since behaving not so great in public, either. At least, I have seen Sly behave rudely. Last December, we were at a restaurant. When the waiter brought our food, Sly told the waiter that my broccoli casserole didn't look nearly as "disgusting" as he thought it would.

That, after telling me the night before that he has always treated waiters well, but that was in reference to tax fraud, not to being polite. Sly always tips in cash so the waiter doesn't have to declare the tips on his taxes. Sly is very proud of this and sees no problem with what he does, although I pointed out that I have to pay taxes on the money I earn so why shouldn't a waiter?

Back to the wedding Drama. I tell Primo his parents are over-reacting and he agrees, but whatever. I have atheist friends and relatives who would not concern me at all. I would put them next to my mother, Father T and Pastor G on a trans-Atlantic flight and not worry that there would be a single problem. Not all atheists are obnoxious. Not all obnoxious persons are atheists. It just happens in this case that the atheists in question are slightly belligerent in their views and have belligerent personalities. Well, one of them does, for sure. A volatile combination and one that has me worried because it's my party.

But the main thing Sly and Doris are mad about is that I wrote about this on my blog. Because the whole world reads my blog.*

Really, the only people who read this who know Sly and Doris are 1. Sly and Doris, 2. Primo, 3. Me.

So what's the problem exactly? Yes, my mother read it, but she doesn't know Sly and Doris, although she is going to meet them. So big deal. My mother reads on my blog that I am worried about three un-named "vocal atheists."

This from the people who, within an hour of meeting me, were trash talking Stephanie, my sister in law, and then moving on to Ted and Jack, Sly's other two sons and Primo's half brothers. Yes. They are concerned about propriety and decorum and not airing dirty laundry. At least I am using fake names on this blog, as I did on my other blog.

I tell Primo fine. "Tell your mom and dad that I will never, I mean NEVER again talk about them on my blog. Ever."

"Never?" he asks.

"NEVer," I say.

"What about when we visit?" he asks.

I think, "Well, we don't have to visit, you know," but I say, "I just won't blog while we're there."

"But they'll wonder why you're not writing about it. You blog every day."

"Tell them out of respect for their wishes, I am no longer mentioning them on my blog."

"But they'll be insulted if you don't mention them in that way."

"Too bad. Tell them live by the sword, die by the sword."

"They'll be upset."

"Like I care. They can't have it both ways."

Primo sighs. "They're not going to be happy."

"I don't care. Don't tell them anything. You don't have to put yourself in the middle of this. Just don't mention it. But I won't ever mention them again on my blog. I am done with them. Done."

And I haven't. When we go on our forced march to visit them once a year, I don't blog. Or I blog, but I leave them out of it. Unless I am going to make a leetle joke with them as the punchline. Let them find insult where they may. Yes. I am that petty. Sue me.

* Ha. As if.


  1. Delurking to let you know that I three relatives who find offense at the least little thing, including things that have nothing to do with them.

    For example, I once wrote a post in which I talked at great length about a lamp that I owned that I utterly hated. It was MY lamp. My stepmother (who I had no idea read my blog) took great offense at this because she had a similar lamp. Therefore, according to her particular algebra, I must hate her lamp and also probably everything in her house. The resulting throw-down was not pretty.

    I love your idea of not mentioning the in-laws at all on your other blog. As you said, live by the sword, die by sword.

    BTW, I'm an atheist and one of my best friends is a rabbi and I think he would have told me if I had ever offended his beliefs.

  2. Jen, some people just want to be offended and you gave a perfect example. Honestly.

    And the atheist thing. It's not even about being an atheist. My uncle who survived the Russian army coming over the hill when he was ten years old is an atheist, but he doesn't bother other people about what they believe. To each his own is his attitude.

    It's the mindset, at least with Sly, that the only possible reason that someone would not hold the same opinion as Sly on any issue is that she is stupid. Not that she has thought things through, analyzed the facts and arrived at a different conclusion. But is stupid. That is the only reason. The only one.

    Which is why I was also so stressed out that Sly was going to be condescending to my mother about politics and just about every other issue, as they have beliefs that are polar opposites. My mother is not a stupid woman. She was her class valedictorian. Went to the University of Wisconsin on an academic scholarship, although she dropped out to get married.

    She does not share Sly's beliefs. According to him, that makes her STUPID. I was dreading how he might treat her and anticipating that I might have to hit him over the head with the cast-iron cat, although we didn't own that yet. So something heavy.

    Fortunately, he behaved, but mostly because my mother just didn't get into it with him. She is no fool.

  3. Wow, you make me feel so lucky that I get along, at least reasonably well, with my in-laws. Thank you! It seems that you can find the humor in the situation, though - your writing is so deliciously snarky.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  4. Some people are only happy in their misery.