Tuesday, May 25, 2010

In which I become rich and famous

Who should play me in the movie? That's what I am trying to decide. That's a far more interesting proposition than, "Who should change the cat box and does it have to be done today or can it wait until tomorrow because after all, the cat whined to come in the other day to use the box* rather than poop in the flower bed so the litter can't be that far gone" or, "If my husband whines while I am at the gym, does anybody hear it? Am I obligated to be sympathetic when I return or can I say, 'What's whined is whined and it's time to move on, buster.' Do you see me crying about trying to find shoes that are both 1. pretty and 2. non-crippling if I want to walk more than one block? No you do not even though that is probably the biggest problem facing mankind these days other than how to control the temperature in public spaces to everybody's satisfaction."

So yes. Who to play me in the movie.

What movie? you ask.

Oh, I say modestly as I look at my (unmanicured, dirty from pulling weeds in the vegetable garden and planting poppies and cosmos in the flowerbeds, which is how I am going to bankrupt Primo, which means next season, I just take up heroin as a hobby because it would be cheaper) fingernails. The one they'll be making from the book deal that I am sure to get now that I am a



Yes. I am.

Reader Sayya sent me to her sister in law, who is the editor in chief of Caribbean Belle magazine. SIL liked my stuff and asked me to write an essay for the most recent issue. I wrote about marrying late(r) in life and having to get used to living with someone else when you disagree on almost everything. I would link to the article, but they do not put their magazine online. If you want, you may go to Trinidad and Tobago to pick up a copy. I intend to get five copies for my mother and write the trip off as a business expense.

A book deal is surely next and then a movie, much like Julie and Julia, which I liked because it was about 1. food and 2. blogging and 3. whining, all of which are my favorite hobbies. She slept a lot, too. Win/win.

At first, I didn't want to see it because Primo said his mom and dad didn't like it, but then I thought, Since when do I take entertainment advice from people who read Mother Jones and think the Diane Ream show is the height of cool?

I asked Primo what they specifically didn't like and he said it was that it was about blogging.

Oh yes. Those nasty bloggers. We don't like them.

Who should play me? Who should play Primo? I think Amy Adams is as cute as a bug, but she's too young. Actresses who are age appropriate for me are not body and looks appropriate, if you know what I mean. Is there an actress who looks like a normal person? No Demi Moore just because I couldn't even stand to have lunch with her. Primo would love Diane Lane, but she'd have to put on 20 pounds. At least. Same with Sandra Bullock. But wouldn't you just love to have lunch with Sandra? She seems so nice and down to earth.

Primo. I need a very smart, very sexy but in an engineer used to be a nerd way guy. I've always loved John Cusack. Who doesn't want someone holding up the boom box with Peter Gabriel singing away? Maybe he's the right guy. I would have to audition him for sure. Clive Owen. Hubba. Gerard Butler. Double hubba.

Don't worry. I won't forget about you when I am famous.

* Yes. She did.


  1. I think Sandra Bullock needs to play you--sexy & fiesty...yup....perfection!

  2. Congrats on getting published!!!

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  4. This is hysterical and wonderful! Congrats big time!!

  5. Hey there,

    i read your piece 'tug of war' and it was good as usual :) one of my fav. bits has always been about the vietnamese priest. haha!

    I'll ask my SIL if she plans on posting your story on the website if that's ok with you. she doesn't have the entire mag. online but she puts certain articles on there.

    thanks much for contributing!

  6. I've always wanted Holly Hunter to play me. a) her arms b) her character as Grace - it would be such a shift to suddenly play a fading High WASP I think she could win an Oscar.

  7. Thanks, all! Sayya, I realized I didn't thank you and Aliyyah in this post. Thank you! I did thank you in my other blog.

    Oh, I wish I were one bit Sandra-y. Suzanne, you are too kind.

    LPC, Holly Hunter is the bomb. She was fabulous in "Raising Arizona." She should have gotten an Oscar for "Thirteen."

  8. Rehm. Diane Rehm. And she's very cool.

    1. Alicia, I trust your judgment far more than I trust Sly and Doris'! If you say Diane Rehm is cool, then cool she is.