I am trying to convince Primo that it is OK for him to resign from the trust and let the trust lawyer handle it. Primo has a highly-developed sense of responsibility (my understanding is that this is common with children of alcoholics?) and never thinks anyone else can do the job as well as he can. (That just comes from his being a control freak engineer.)(We argue about how to put silverware away. Nothing is safe.)
Primo: He won't do it right.
Me: If you don't resign, you have another 11 years of dealing with Ted about this. And you already know that there is nothing you can do short of draining that trust and making the check out to him that will make him happy.
Primo: But what about the other kids? Jack has been really reasonable. He wants to pay off their student loans and set up IRAs for them.
Me: I think that's a great idea. Can you resign from just Ted'sSon's trust?
Primo: I don't know.
Me: Plus with Ted'sSon, you have the additional complication that he is disabled and gets social security disability and the rules are different. No matter what you do, you are going to have to consult with a lawyer. So the trust is going to pay legal fees no matter what.
Primo: I guess.
Me: Isn't your main responsibility to make sure that the funds are disbursed appropriately and that the expenses charged to the trust are reasonable?
Me: If The Lawyer had been in charge, would he have given Ted the money to reimburse him for attending his own father's funeral?
Me: Do you think The Lawyer might have a more dispassionate attitude toward things? That if Ted gets nasty, The Lawyer can just hang up or say, "Ted, you realize you are paying me $500 an hour to listen to you scream, don't you?" But with you, there is an emotional connection that makes it harder.
Primo: Why does he have to be such a jerk?
Me: I don't know.
Primo: He has always been like this.
Me: I'm sorry, sweetie.
Primo: He would not have reimbursed Ted those travel expenses.
Me: So he would have made sure that the trust funds were not used for inappropriate expenses?
Primo: For sure
Me: So actually, it is the responsible thing for you to do to resign. That would be acting in the kids' best interests.