In which Primo wants to bring more coffee mugs into this house, even though we already have (counting. ...) at least 15 mugs. For two people. Who didn't even drink coffee until four years ago.

Gold Digger

Yesterday at 8:23am · 

Trying to get rid of Stuff because Primo keeps bringing home more stuff from his mom and dad's (if it has a cat on it, it is in his suitcase and his parents had a LOT of stuff with cats on it) but am discovering that between the two of us, we have a ridiculous amount of emotional attachment to coffee mugs. Primo way more than me, though. I have three mugs I couldn't possibly get rid of. He has about ten. Not that he uses them - his Using mug is the one we got at Madeline Island five years ago and nobody else is allowed to use it, so when I have book club here, I have to hide the Good Mug. But we have to keep the other ten. Because - because coffee mug emotional attachment.

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• Primo But coffee mugs are meaningful. smile emoticon

  Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 8:48am
• Gold Digger You hate poor people! If you cared about the poor, you would care that they don't have coffee mugs. Someone who cared about the poor would donate all their never-used mugs to Goodwill.

  Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 9:31am
• Jon  Some charitable soul brought this mug to a Goodwill. For $.86, it's been my forever mug since 2006.
  

  Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:48am
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• Primo Fortunately, there aren't a bunch of coffee mugs with cats on them at my parents' house. But there is one from a mental health conference that my parents attended, so it reminds me of my sister and I may need to keep it.

  Like · Reply · Yesterday at 8:50am
• Gold Digger For everything that comes into this house, something else needs to go out. smile emoticon

  Like · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 8:52am · Edited
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In which people be crazy about garage sales

I took these notes after talking to Primo in August, right after the garage sale, and now - in January, when I am getting around to writing the actual post - I don't remember all the details. I might have to make stuff up.

OK. Remember the huge bookcase that Ted wanted and said the estate should pay to ship to him and that I estimate would cost about $500 to ship? And that Primo wanted to bring to our house, even though there is not really a good place to put it without making our living room look crowded? Even if there were room, I would not want a looming reminder of Sly and Doris in my face.

A junk/antique dealer came to the house before the garage sale to look at stuff. He had offered $500 for the bookcase, but another buyer came during the garage sale and offered $1,000. Primo called the dealer and the dealer said dude take the money that buyer is nuts but whatever good for you.

Despite the ad saying, "No early birds," people showed up early. I wish this blog were real time so we could have used one commenter's advice to say that the price before the start time of the sale is double the price after the sale starts.

People wanted this kind of stuff:

• Sly's disorganized, sloppy, dirty workbench with rusted, broken tools on it
• The rusted metal cabinet with the broken mirror and door that won't close properly
• A flowerpot half buried in the yard
• Boxes of books that Primo had put in the back of the garage because he didn't think anyone would want them
• Wire bookshelves with stuff on them

Primo: This woman wanted one of the wire bookshelves - during the sale. I would have had to unload everything. So I told her she could have both of them for twenty but she would have to come back later. She said that the second one wasn't worth ten dollars. I said a six pack of beer costs ten dollars. She said she doesn't drink beer. She was a pain in the neck.

In which Primo tries to convince me he should bring home more junk even after I have found new junk cleverly stashed in the dining room, where I rarely go

Things Primo has already brought home that I do not want and no, Primo, I do not care that they have kitties on them.

1. A plate with a painting of kittens
2. A blanket with kittens
3. A t-shirt with kittens
4. Photos of kittens in frames that have kittens painted on them

Things that Primo wants to bring home that I do not want

1. Family photos. He doesn't look at the family photos he already has. They are just random photos tossed into boxes, not organized neatly into albums the way my mom's family photos are. I used to think my mom was a bit OCD in her relentless organization of things, but now I realize that her way is the right way and everyone should do it that way.

2. His mother's silver. I want it only if I can sell it. I will not polish it. Ever. I am done with that BS.

3. His dad's thesis. Why? Primo never had any interest in secondary English poets before. Why would he want to read his dad's thesis now?

4. A pie thingy.

5. His sister's medical records. Actually, he doesn't want to bring them home, but there are boxes of records and frustrated letters that his parents wrote, trying to get Nancy help. I think he feels that if he throws that stuff away, he is throwing his sister away.

In which Ted grudgingly acknowledges that the money that Primo sent him to reimburse him for attending his own father's funeral (I would have gladly paid to see Sly buried) was "not unreasonable" and informs Primo that he will be sending Primo a "comprehensive spreadsheet" of his son's expenses. Primo needs to resign as trustee ASAP or it will be 14 years of this

> Subject: Re: package received
> From: ted
> Date: Wed, 9 Sep 2015 13:42:00 -0400
> CC: ted's wife
> To: primo
> 
> Also, we are busy tallying our various company tax returns, due on the 15th, after which we’ll pull together a comprehensive spreadsheet of Ted's Son's educational expenses and forward to you.
> 
> cheers
> 
> > On Sep 9, 2015, at 1:40 PM, Ted wrote:
> > 
> > Thank you. I don’t know for the life of me what I’ll do with the graduation gown; but I like the picture of you and me and Dad’s commemorative obituary, both of which will hang in a place of honor. The check was deposited yesterday. The amount was not unreasonable. Hope you’re well.
> > 
> > cheers

In which I discover Primo continues to make political donations even though he is not working and I earn only about half of what he made

Me [looking at credit card statements]: Hey! You have a recurring donation to [group I do not like]!

Primo: I inherited money.

Me: That money is not enough for you to quit working and it does not replace your salary!

Primo: Yeah, but I inherited money.

Me: I do not want my hard-earned money going to political things I don't agree with!

Primo: My parents would have supported this group.

Me: EXACTLY.

In which my co-worker is dealing with his own issues with wills and grabby inheritors

A co-worker, Idris, and I were comparing notes on greedy relatives and wills and the lack thereof.

I don't even know how we got on the subject - we were talking about lean operations and TIM WOOD and does the "S" really fit at the end because then it's not the seven muda, it's eight.

So then it was all about relatives and settling estates and what a person has to go through to settle an estate and how estate settling sure brings out the ugly in people.

Idris said that his sister had died without a will. He had lived with his sister, but I gather she owned the house.

Then I got totally distracted.

Me: Wait! Are you married?

Idris: No.

Me: Have you ever been married?

Idris: No.

Me: Whaaaaat? You are so eligible!

(He is a really nice, middle-aged guy with a good job. He is really, really nice. Sweet, good sense of humor, hard working, and, as an engineer, can undoubtedly fix things. These are all excellent qualities in a husband.)

Idris: Wellll..... Anyhow.

(That is a rude question, I know. I hated it when people used to ask me that until I realized what they were saying was not, "Wow! You are so undesirable that nobody has seen fit to marry you!" and was instead, "How is it that someone as fabulous as you has not been proposed to many, many times?")

Me: Sorry.

Idris: My sister died a few years ago and I was traveling a lot for work and she didn't have a will, so I have had to figure it all out. My niece, my nephew, and I are the heirs.

Me: Because no will.

Idris: Yes. My sister and my niece were not close. She did nothing to help after my sister died.

Me: Not taking her clothes to charity or anything like that?

Idris: No.

Me: So what happened?

Idris: I had to get the house valued. I wrote a check to each of them for their half.

Me: Because you still live in the house?

Idris: Yes. At the lawyer's office, I gave them each a check. My niece asked if I wasn't sure the house was worth more.

Me: Oh good grief. Money fell into her lap and it wasn't enough?

Idris: The lawyer said she could pay her own appraiser.

Me: Did she?

Idris: Nope. She cashed the check the next day.

Me: Yeah.

Idris: So at the lawyer's office, the lawyer said that the house was the only real property and the rest was kind of worthless stuff like my sister's clothes and jewelry. And that's when my niece perked up again and said she might be interested in the jewelry.

Me: Even though she never had much to do with your sister?

Idris: Exactly!

Me: I swear it brings out the ugly.

Idris: I just want to be done with it. I am tired of dealing with it. I am tired of dealing with my niece. She is so grabby! My nephew is OK, but I really do not like my niece.

Me: Do you have a will?

Idris: No. Not married. No kids. Haven't really ever thought about it.

Me: But if you die without a will, your niece will get half of all of your hard-earned money!

Idris: What? Oh! Yes! You're right! I need to make a will! I can leave it all to my nephew. Ha.

In which Ted sends Primo an email that he got a package and an email and a text but has not opened any of them

Primo sent Ted a text last week to wish him happy birthday.

He sent him an email yesterday to tell him he was sending him a check and a package.

He sent him a package. As in, he went to the Post Office and stood in line and paid money to have someone deliver items that Ted wanted.

The items included the bracelet that TedsWife wants that Primo could not find for the longest time because he had never seen the bracelet and did not even know what he was looking for. He went to the jeweler where Sly bought stuff for Doris to ask about it. He looked through all the drawers. (I didn't think he should have bothered, the way Ted has been acting.)

He finally found a bracelet that he thought might be it and had to find a magnifying glass to read the clasp for the "14K" notation.

(Primo is not happy that he is losing his eagle eyes. Welcome to the club, my friend. I have been wearing glasses since fifth grade.)

Primo is being way nicer than Ted deserves.

And Ted cannot be bothered to read the text that Primo sent five days ago?

In which Primo returns after being gone for only five days and we don't even fight, at least not right away, until he gets all panicky because I was yelling at the vacuum cleaner and all I wanted Primo to do was to help me but he was all, "Don't yell! Don't yell!"

I picked Primo up at the airport yesterday after work.

We didn't fight.

I have been trying very hard not to fight. Primo can be super annoying but it is on me how I respond. I have known for ten years that he thinks it's really funny to say "pepper" the way Billy Crystal, one of my least-favorite actors, said it in "When Harry Met Sally." I have known for ten years that he thinks it's really funny to say, "I like them French-fried potaters" the way Billy Bob Thornton (whose memoir is really good) said it in "Sling Blade."

He thinks it's funny to say, "You're not doing it right" and to say, "Hey!" to get my attention - and then have nothing to say.

These things are all as annoying as heck and I am sure that if any of you were to serve on a jury after I had been charged with bonking Primo on the head with a cast-iron frying pan, you would acquit because it would have been totally justified.

However,

It is on me not to turn into a bitch when he does that stuff. I can't change him (deep breath). I can change only me.

So I am trying to decide not to let his annoyingness annoy me.

And of course he has been extra annoying. Stress makes him more annoying, not less. When I am stressed, I focus inward. I become withdrawn and I focus just on battling my way through, on the issue at hand.

Primo is the Typhoid Mary of stress. It is not enough for him alone to feel stress - he has to spread it to others.

And then I remember all the good things about Primo and how they outweigh all the bad things, which are not that many. I think about what a good person he is - how much I like him - how much fun we have together when we travel - we both think the Sewer Museum in Paris is super interesting, we both like to browse the grocery stores in Morocco, we both like to caminar sin rumbo fijo and just stumble across cool things. I think about what a generous person he is - he could have been mean to his ex wife and he was not. He could have walked away from his mom and dad and he did not, even though they, of all people, deserved it, or at least his dad did. Anyone who is that loyal to mean people will be really loyal to nice people (me :) ) and will be with me until the end, even though I will get old and everything will sag and wrinkle.

(On that note - I never thought I was vain because I never thought I had anything to be vain about, but just losing the benefits of youth - the firm, tight skin, the eyebrows where they are supposed to be, the glossy hair - is very hard.)

Primo: [Stephanie's friend] and I got a lot done. She is bringing tables over for the garage sale. We found more papers and books in the garage. My parents had so much junk.

Me: Too much.

Primo: She said that seeing my mom and dad's house has inspired her to start cleaning out the junk in her house so her son won't have to do this when she dies.

Me: That is a very thoughtful thing to do - to consider the people who might have to deal with your crap.

Primo: Yep.

Me: If only your parents had thought the same way.

Primo: I found a giant vibrator in the nightstand next to my dad's side of the bed.

Me: Man. This whole thing never ends, does it?

Primo: Nope.

Me: What are you going to do with it?

Primo: I don't know. I got rid of a bunch of papers yesterday, but I still need to shred the naked photos of my parents.

Me: That's not something you want the grandkids to see.

Primo: And I took care of my dad's IRA. I did not list Ted as a beneficiary with you.

Me: Good.

Primo: He has been such a jerk that I do not feel like going out of my way to be nice to him. Plus, for me to make anyone but you a beneficiary, I would have to get a signed, notarized statement from you.

Me: And that would be too much hassle?

Primo: Yes.

In which Primo sends a check, a package, and an email to Ted and we wonder if Ted will be pissy or grateful that he has been paid for attending his own father's funeral

This is the email Primo sent to Ted today. How will Ted react?

From:         Primo
To:         Ted 
Date:         09/04/2015 08:04 AM 
Subject:         RE: Reimbursable FL travel costs: TDR 

Ted,
A package is on its way to you (USPS tracking number 123 ). It should arrive tomorrow, although Priority Mail 2-day service is not guaranteed. Its most important contents are two small items, your check and what I believe is the correct bracelet for TedsWife. I also included several small items that may be of interest to you, a couple of pictures, a shirt for TedsChild and a cup that still has his name on it, and a few other things for TedsWife (Mom's Citizen Eco-Drive watch*, a silver anklet, and two other pieces of jewelry that are pretty even if they are not valuable).

I did not receive a response to my question about the $114.79 in airline fees that you paid. That amount isn't worth fighting over, so I went ahead and included it. I also rechecked all of the airfares; I came to exactly the same conclusions about prices for the IAD-JAX and JAX-ATL-IAD flights, but the IAD-ATL-SAV flights are a bit more expensive for the upcoming Fridays, with a price of $261.60 per ticket showing up more often than any lower fares (which exist for some of the dates but have very limited availability). Therefore, I added another $100 to the total. Here is the summary:

Air travel: $1582.00
$521.10 for IAD – JAX (5/30)
$161.60 for JAX – ATL – IAD (6/9)
$376.10 for IAD – JAX (6/20)
$523.20 for IAD – ATL – SAV (7/31) = $261.60 x 2 tickets
(Adjusted from prior amount of $211.60 x 2 tickets)
Airline fees: $114.79 (Not included in the previous total)
Car rental and gasoline: $463.69
Parking: $130.00
Dinners: $416.91
Total:  $2707.39 

Please understand that the total amount for your air travel ($1582.00 + $114.79 for five one-way flights) is more than generous. For comparison's sake, I have booked a total of 21 one-way flights  this year (including two trips in February and March before the final series of health crises began), and the total cost for those flights -- including a couple of change fees -- was $3572.10. I did most of my flying to/from Orlando to save money but have also been in and out of Jacksonville and Daytona Beach.

USPS will let me know when the package is delivered, but please confirm receipt of the items I mentioned above.

Thanks,
Primo

* This is the watch that Doris accused me of stealing. Had Primo and me tearing our house apart to find it after they were here for our wedding. She found it a year ago in the pocket of a sweater she had brought to our house - AND DID NOT BOTHER TO TELL US THAT SHE HAD FOUND IT.

In which Primo wants to bring home more of Doris' junk, part 1,204

• Primo
  

  
  

  
  

  Kitties! It's a fleece throw. Do you want it?
• 
  
• 9/2, 7:14pm
  

  Me
  

  
  

  
  

  No smile emoticon
• 9/2, 7:17pm
  

  Primo
  

  
  

  
  

  But it's in good shape, and it has kitties!
• 9/2, 7:18pm
  

  Me
  

  
  

  
  

  No. More. Stuff.
• 9/2, 7:19pm
  

  Primo
  

  
  

  
  

  Kitties!
• 9/2, 7:20pm
  

  Me
  

  
  

  
  

  No more stuff

In which Primo extends another olive brand to Ted, making Primo a far, far better person than I would ever be

• 9/1, 12:13pm
  

  Primo
  

  
  

  
  

  I just made my final attempt to be nice to Ted. Yesterday was his birthday. I texted him to wish him happy birthday. I also told him that I don't understand why he has such a huge problem with me and I'm willing to discuss things if he wants to. If his response to this is to continue being an asshole, I will give up.

That was today. 

Let's recap this situation with Ted, shall we?

July: Sly dies. Four days later, Ted tells Primo he might contest the will. As if Primo can do anything about it - Primo is not in the will, either.

More July, while we are on vacation: Ted sends insistent emails, asking Primo questions about the estate and the trust and how much the executor (Primo) can charge for expenses. Ted demands a conference call. Primo declines.

August: Ted comes to the funeral and is a bit of a jerk, although not as jerky as he could be.

After the funeral: Ted emails Primo, telling him he wants to be reimbursed his travel expenses. Primo thinks Ted is talking about the trip Ted took in early June to be with Sly while Primo came home. (And even then, Ted called or texted -  I am not exaggerating - five times a day to tell Primo things like Sly didn't like the food.)

August: Ted emails again with a list of expenses. The expenses include not just the early June trip but his trip to attend Doris' funeral and his trip to attend HIS OWN FATHER'S FUNERAL.

The expenses include a reimbursement of $875 per ticket per trip for tickets he got with frequent flier miles that could have been purchased for about $400.

August: Ted emails, demanding that Primo give him a date when he will write a check.

Note that not one single other creditor of the estate has been paid. Primo's expenses have not been reimbursed and his expenses are legally allowable to be paid.

Ted makes a snide comment about Primo's grammar and asks why Primo signs his emails, as "It's clear who it is from."

August: Primo emails Ted that he does not think it reasonable to pay $875 per ticket when the tickets could have been purchased for far less. He tells Ted he will give him the $400 a ticket once he gets the checks for the estate.

Ted calls Primo and screams at him that Primo does not know what kind of trouble he is in now that Ted is angry with him. No, Ted had not read the email but his wife had and HE NEVER WANTS TO GET A PHONE CALL LIKE THAT FROM HIS WIFE AGAIN!

(I tell Primo: Then perhaps he needs to discuss that with his wife.)

Then Ted shouts, "I am hanging up on you!" and hangs up.

Late August: Ted emails Primo, saying he has finally read Primo's emails and 

1. He is learning things about Primo he does not like

2. Primo is losing his trust

3. He feels sorry for Primo. (Me: Because you have a brother like Ted?)

Early September: Primo sends a nice text asking for detente.

Now we wait.

In which Primo wants to bring home more of Doris' junk, part 345

Also, do you want this? It zips all the way around. [Stephanie's friend who is helping get ready for the garage sale] said that it's for a pie.

No, I do not want the zip thing

In which there are kitties

I had wanted to post this photo a few weeks ago, to go with Sly's funeral, but I lost it and couldn't find it and talking about kittens in a cage at the farmers market doesn't make so much sense without a photo.

But Stephanie and I went to the farmers market the weekend of Sly's funeral, which is one of the few things that made being in Florida bearable that weekend and two of my workdays. Yes, my company gives funeral leave, which is very generous, and my boss is fabulous, but I don't like being at Sly and Doris' house, even under the circumstances, and my work does not go away just because I am not there, so I was still trying to get work done and I was having to deal with Ted and Ted'sWife and Ted'sSon and Primo was dealing with all of them as well. The only nice part was getting to see my nieces and nephew and getting to hang out with Stephanie, whom I LOVE.

She and I went to the farmers market and there was a cat rescue organization there so I took photos and sent them to Primo and suggested that perhaps the cats could go to the rescue place, along with a nice donation from the estate.

If you have pets, please figure out what should happen to them if you and anyone you live with should all die at once. Don't make the executor have to send them to a shelter and don't make the executor have to be super stressed about rehoming elderly pets. It is not fair to your executor and it is really not fair to your pets.