Thursday, August 15, 2013

In which a rose by any other name is a darn weed

Remember how Doris didn't like how I addressed the letter to her? And how she queried Primo about why I used my maiden name on the return address? Hadn't I changed my name?

Primo told her that I had changed it but only used it in legal circumstances - socially, I prefer to use my maiden name.

So. Now. A week or two later. She sends me a letter.

Addressed to "Gold Drunk" and not "Gold Digger."

I write back to her. Put a very pointed return address of "DIGGER." Get the point, lady! I write "Mrs Sly Drunk" for her because she told Primo that's how she wants to be addressed.

She writes back again. Addresses the letter to "Gold Drunk."

This is war.

I put a post on facebook:

My husband's mother insists on addressing her letters to me as "Gold Drunk," even though my return address on letters I send to her is "Gold Digger" and even though she asked Primo why I wasn't going by "Drunk." 1. She is an ardent liberal. 2. You'd think she would know why I don't want anything to do with her name.

  • Susan That's not even passive aggressive; it's full on aggressive aggressive.
    Yesterday at 11:27am · Like

  • Maggie Not to mention she wishes you weren't married to her son.
    Yesterday at 1:29pm via mobile · Like

    I will write to her again. I will continue to put "Digger" as my return address. Maybe I should write, "Return to sender" on the letters addressed to "Gold Drunk." Except that is my legal name. Rats.

    1. My father sent me a cheque made out to me, but with Best Beloved's surname (which I had NOT taken, having assumed my grandmother's maiden name some decades ago). I had to take the marriage licence into the bank....

    2. It is only war if that is how you choose to react to it. You're smart, I can tell from what you write. That is why I follow your blog. Let her have her childish "revenge"; age, alcohol and her husband have long withered any other source of power she might have once had.

    3. I agree with Joan. Let her burn out without a reaction. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

    4. Having fought similar battles with my MIL and now skirmishing with my husband's stepmother over something similar, I know how irritating it is to deal with this. If you've asked her to use your maiden name and she refuses, then she's just being a jerk and there's nothing you can do to change her.

      If you really want to draw a line in the sand and make a stand, if she sends you something with your husband's last name instead of your own, return it to her unopened. Otherwise, just ignore her.

    5. Indifference - I love it! Definitely the way to go. Actually, I fought this battle for years with various people - mostly MY stepmother - and finally just decided that i had more interesting things to do. Had i taken his last name, mine would have been incredibly close to a popular toilet paper. When I pointed that out ... it helped a little. Just ignore her.

    6. I am about to get married, and I have the opposite problem. I plan to take his name, legally and socially, and my fiance's grandmother has already said, "I'm not going to call you that, because even though you're marrying him, you won't really be part of the family."

      Well, OK then.

      But having read the entirety of your blog, my advice is to just ignore her. She's doing it to get a rise out of you, to give Primo a complaint of something else that's wrong with you. If you don't engage, she gets frustrated, and you win!

    7. I love this about the country I'm in, that your legal name remains the one you are born with, and that it is non-negociable.

      People will still ask about whyyyyy aren't you taking your husband's name socially, but I can just tell them it's a hassle to have my social and legal names be different and be done with the argument.