Thursday, December 12, 2013

In which there is another birthday and another present from Doris blessherheart

Stop reading right now if you get bothered by someone complaining about a gift. I am going to complain about something that someone gave me, freely and without expectation of reciprocity - wait - there is totally expectation of reciprocity. Doris totally expects something expensive in return.

But given freely, despite Primo's gentle warnings that Mom, she probably won't like that. Mom, don't get that for her.

I am a bitch. I complain about gifts when they come from Doris. I complain because

1. Except for the Envirosax bags that roll up and fit into my purse and the Lands End flannel sheets that Primo begged them to get if they were going to get us anything, even though they harrumphed and asked why should they get us sheets and Primo had to explain that we had been coveting those sheets for three years but could not bring ourselves to spend that much on sheets but they were on sale and Lands End was offering free shipping so now, now was the time to get them, Doris has never sent me anything I have liked or kept. Except Primo kept the cast-iron cat.

2. Every time Doris sends me a present, after I have confirmed with the store that they will not tell Doris that I have returned the item, I have to pay to send it back and then I end up with a store credit to a store that sells stuff I do not want.

3. Which means I have to cast about desperately for a way to use the credit.

4. And I don't always do that, because the stores are usually very expensive and sell things I don't like.

In this case, I will have to drive to the post office on Saturday to mail the box, because it is a huge box and too big to bring to work on the bus and send from the mailroom.

I already went through a live chat with the store, only I had to wait and wait because despite their assurances that they are open until 9 p.m. every day, they are not and live chat was offline yesterday afternoon and this morning.

I had to chat with customer service to ask if Doris would know if I returned the item and she would not tell me until I had given her the order number. Then she wanted my name and address and I asked why, if she had the order number, did she need that info? Shouldn't all that pull up when you key in the order number? Honestly.

The customer service person told me that not only did I have to pay for the return shipping, I would only get a store credit.

Did I show you the item?

It is a green glass pear.

I know. I am completely screwed if Doris ever finds this site.

But again, I ask myself, "What in Doris' time with me and her nine days in my house would ever lead her to believe that a green glass pear would be something I would want?"

That is the same basic question I asked when Doris sent us the cheap Chinese pressed wood nesting tables painted with hibiscus and hummingbirds. The cast-iron cat. The vase handpainted with purple flowers.

If you ever came to my house, you would understand why I ask these questions because truly, there is nothing in my house to indicate a liking of frou frou things and especially not of frou frou things that have no practical use and have to be dusted.

Again, I repeat - I know I am a bitch for complaining about this. I know there are people who have horrible things going on in their lives, far worse than getting a green glass pear as a birthday present.

If you want to think badly of me, go ahead. But if you have ever been the recipient of repeated unwanted gifts that have nothing to do with what you would ever want and are given to you despite someone's gentle advice that really, that is not something you would want, you might have a little bit of sympathy for my whining.

Stephanie, my sister in law, suggested I re-gift it back to Doris. I am willing to give that a shot. Stephanie also noted that Doris hadn't even given me the set. Not that I want three glass pears, but at least then I could afford some of the other items on the site.

In the mean time, I have looked through the site. There are some linen sheets that I thought might be nice. I would have to pay extra, but you know. Green glass pear $59, linen sheets $109. That's a $50 difference.

I looked more closely.

That was $109 for a sheet. One sheet. One flat sheet. An entire set would have been almost $300.

However - Doris did address my birthday card to "Gold Digger D." instead of "Gold Drunk." So there is some progress.


  1. You have my sympathy.

    Anything described as an 'objet' - with an accent, no less! has no place in any self-respecting person's home, unless you have staff to dust them for you. Which we don't.

    My dad's wife is the same. She apparently thought that a 1930's style lamp with a beaded glass shade would look perfect in our modern, mostly Ikea-furnished home. I suppose it matches the other delightful ornaments she's provided over the years, and will look great next to them in the charity shop down the road.

    My gentle suggestion that she give us a gift token from a department store next time so we could choose our own present was met with such horror that you'd think I'd suggested she kill and stuff her cat to give to us.

  2. My grandmother does this kind of thing. But I know it's out of love and she just really likes shopping. Even if it's just buying crap she likes. I mean, the woman is 90 and speaks broken English (she's from Italy), so it's kind of adorable. I take about 90 percent of the stuff back and use the store credit to but her something else from there, which is essentially using her own money to buy her presents so I probably suck. But at least I know I am getting a sweet 90-year-old woman who has everything something she likes. You could do that with Doris and get out of a) having the shit she gives you and b) spending money to buy her presents.
    The addressing of the card is good news, though. Take what you can get....

  3. I will not criticise you for criticising a gift. At least you have talked Primo into allowing you to dispose of the unwanted gifts. I have not yet been able to talk my husband into this, and thus I have a bizarre collection of Things that his grandmother has gifted us that I have no practical purpose for but that I must keep/store/not get rid of, including (my personal favourite) a set of measuring spoons with crosses for handles and fleurs de lis in the bowls that are "not dishwasher safe and not safe for food use." So then what, pray tell, am I supposed to DO with them?

  4. But, but it's a "perennially popular handblown dimpled-glass Bartlett pear". OMG I have so always wanted one.

    Re the "Gold Drunk" nickname she might have used but didn't, does she think you over imbibe?

  5. Oops... Was it Laverne or Shirley who accidentally knocked it off the shelf?