Thursday, July 9, 2015

In which there are more plumbing problems

Primo: My dad has soiled two pairs of underwear and peed on the sofa. They are on the verge of needing full-time care. I've already entertained the idea of having to stay beyond Tuesday. I don't want to.

Me: Oh man. What a mess. Peed on the sofa?

Primo: My dad can't always control things. He need to pee and got some on the couch. He got mad at me when I didn't get a towel to clean it up quickly enough.

Me: Oh man.

Primo: And when I had to empty the urine bottles and indicated that the task might not be so pleasant, he got mad at me.

Me: At least when my dad was sick, I didn't resent him for not having done what he needed to do to prevent problems. He was 61 and in perfect health and had only a few months before passed a physical. There is nothing he could have done to have made that situation any easier. And my mom was healthy, too. She was only 53. The few times he wasn't in the hospital, she would not let me do anything with him to do with body functions. She did not want me to see him like that and she didn't want him to see me seeing that.

Primo: You were angry at the cancer.

Me: Right. But not at him. Never at him. I had it easier than you do, in a way. I loved my father. I never resented him or felt angry that I was having to take care of someone who was not always nice to me. My dad was a sweetheart. Everyone loved him. People flew from all over the US to his funeral in a tiny town in northern Wisconsin. He had friends all over the world. I hated the cancer. But never my dad. And the one time I lost my patience with him --- I am still so ashamed about that. My sweet dad.

Primo: My dad is very difficult and sometimes mean. I told him I expected to clean urine with you maybe someday, but it's not something you expect to be doing for your parents. He said it was a good thing I had never had kids, then.

Me: But it doesn't make it any less gross doing it for your own kids! It's just that you assumed that responsibility voluntarily! Your dad should be grateful that you are doing this for him, not acting like he is doing you a favor to let you handle his functions!


  1. Time to liaise with his doctors...

  2. I do feel badly for Primo ... it's tough. There are a number of good pads and briefs for men with that issue. Depends - the name brand - is very good in both styles. The discount brands are not as form fitted and chafe some folks more. Also, some sort of cream for "crotch rot" caused by dampness. Zillions of men use them in relative comfort, and it's way easier than clean up. Good luck to Primo.

  3. I agree with Joan. Time to tell Sly's doctors what's happening, they need to know about the incontinence issues.

  4. My mom had problems with incontinence after hip replacement surgery. It got better, but she wore pads for a little while immediately after the surgery. She didn't want my dad to help her cause he's the person she gets mad at when she's uncomfortable so I was the one helping her with the pads. I know it doesn't help, but this may have been something that no matter how well Sly took care of himself it would happen anyway.

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  6. Buy some depends. Get them in a home stat. No arguing with them. Let them bitch and moan.

  7. Oh you guys. Thank you. I wish I were writing this in real time because this advice would have been so useful. It didn't even occur to us to do this stuff - we were so caught up in the immediate trauma of it all. :(