In which Ted replies to Primo's apology about the insurance company letter and we decide that that is your dagger

Subject: Re: updates
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com

You are incapable of “going off” on me, Primo. You can’t punch that far out of your weight class. The lawyer is a junior varsity trust attorney. My wife (of 26 years) is flabbergasted by your continued shitty, imperious attitude and Scott Walker-level lack of disclosure.

You purport to be a politician. Politics is about leadership; you have provided little if any since July 11. 

On the other hand, you are capable of fiduciary mismanagement of our father’s trust (as you shall soon learn, it became his trust after his wife—our beloved Doris—predeceased him) and I am capable of attempting through all available legal and personal channels to rectify any malfeasance, mismanagement, or one-sided mis-interpretations.

Thanks for ruining my Saturday. And stop typing me emails before I have to fly up—as I did lovingly for your wedding—and kick your sorry ass.

You are about to piss me off.

Love,

Ted

On Oct 3, 2015, at 5:15 PM, Primo wrote:

Ted,

If you did not initiate any contact with the insurance company, I am sincerely sorry for going off on you.

In which Primo and I fight about Ted, with Primo maintaining that Ted DID apologize so should get a second chance

To which I say, "Bullshit - your brother has not changed stripes and that was not an apology and he deserves nothing from you."

Primo: You have no idea what a relief it is when Ted is not a jerk.

Me: I understand that, sweetie, but do you realize how abusive that sounds? That you are relieved that he is acting with just minimal decency? Not even courtesy? Just less jerkish than usual?

Primo: I dread any interaction with him.

Me: So why don't you just turn it all over to the lawyer? Have the lawyer deal with Ted?

And then there was this:



And I said

Me: How come you can push back so easily on me but not on Ted?

Primo: I'm not pushing back on you!

Me: You are too! You are arguing with me about why you should continue to deal with Ted!

And more



And then

Me: I'm not telling you what to do. You get to decide. But Ted is sucking up all of your emotional energy. You have been nothing but decent to him. You have been polite and have treated him better than he deserves. You do not need to be nice to him any more.

Primo: But I don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to be like Ted.

Me: You don't have to. Just tell him that you will be dealing with Ted'sSon's trust later and that there is no reason to talk now.

Primo: It seems mean.

Me: He has been mean to you. It's time to draw the line.

In which we roll our eyes and say "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" except it really is a pipe, isn't it? Ceci n'est pas une apology

Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com

I’ve done a terrible job of being a big brother to you—and for that I apologize.

Let’s talk on the phone after setting up a proper time.

I have zero antipathy towards you but couldn’t have more related to your communications skills.

cheers

---

Let's deconstruct.

1. "I've done a terrible job for being a big brother to you - and for that I apologize."

• Ted did not apologize for being a jerk
• He did not apologize for screaming at Primo
• He did not apologize for saying, "these emails are offensive and bordering on ridiculous. You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being."

2. "Let's talk on the phone."

• Primo has told Ted repeatedly that he does not intend to talk on the phone

3. "Your communication skills"

• Primo has never screamed at Ted. He has never sent him an insulting email. There is nothing wrong with Primo's communications skills except sometimes he will not shut up but there is never any doubt about what he wants. Primo is nice to people. He is not a jerk.

4. "Couldn't have more related?" Doesn't that mean he related very well and could not have done it any more?

In which Primo tells Ted he is being a jerk and calls his bluff

From: Primo 

To: Ted

Ted,

 You wrote,

Just as Jack's children have outstanding educational loans, so does Ted'sSon.

Then why didn't you tell me that? I did specifically mention "student loans with outstanding balances that constitute current and future obligations," which (as you know) Michael and Maria have. It is important to consider that Ted'sSon should not be penalized relative to the other grandchildren because of his special needs. Therefore, it may be reasonable to pay off loans that were taken out specifically for the purpose of Ted'sSon's education even if he is not responsible for those loans (because of his special needs) in the same way that Michael and Maria are responsible for their student loans. I cannot say anything definitive until I know more about the loans, but I can say with reasonable confidence that if assets from Ted'sSon's trust (after his individual account is opened and funded) are to be used to pay off outstanding educational loans, the appropriate amount(s) will be disbursed from the trust directly to the loan servicer(s) or other creditor(s), not to you.

The "comprehensive spreadsheet" (your words) of Ted'sSon's educational expenses did not include any mention of loans or other debts. Please update the spreadsheet or send additional information about Ted'sSon's outstanding loans.

And there's this:

You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being.

You communicate like a condescending jerk or, if you're sufficiently upset, like a 12-year-old. The last time you called me, you screamed at me for a short time and ended your tirade by yelling "I'm hanging up now!" Then you did hang up without giving me an opportunity to say a word. That "conversation" has a lot to do with my reluctance to discuss any estate-related matters with you by phone.

Primo

In which Primo tells Ted that the trust is not going to be paying for expenses incurred and paid for years ago and that he is not hiding the Good Bracelet from Ted'sWife

Primo toned down his original email to Ted because he just couldn't stand to be a jerk.

"Was I wrong?" he asked. "Should I have left it as it was? It seemed so harsh."

"Ted deserves it," I said, "but if you want to err on the side of not being an asshole, that is fine with me."

Here is the exchange from today. Don't you just want to give Ted everything he wants because of his gracious approach?

Just in case anyone is wondering, I have not made up any of this. I am copying and pasting these emails directly, changing only the names.

From: primo@hotmail.com
To: ted@icloud.com; ted'swife@verizon.net
Subject: RE: trust and education expenses

The trust language ("The Trustee shall apply so much of the income and principal of the trust fund as necessary or desirable for that grandchild's health, education, support, and maintenance") does allow trust assets to be used for educational expenses, but I assumed that you would be submitting a list of ongoing (i.e., current and planned) expenses for my consideration as trustee. When I wrote "YourSon's trust can certainly be used to pay for his educational expenses," I was not referring to expenses that had already been paid for past academic years. You did not make an explicit request in last week's email, but the spreadsheet appears to imply a request for payment to you of an amount that will be roughly equal to -- and possibly even greater than -- YourSon's expected share of the trust, which should be in the neighborhood of $150,000, as reimbursement for his past educational expenses.

I have discussed this with the lawyer. He and I agree that it will not be appropriate to use the trust assets to reimburse you for his past educational expenses, at least in the absence of student loans with outstanding balances that constitute current and future obligations. I understand that YourSon's educational expenses have been a burden for you in the past, but my parents already made a significant contribution toward those expenses; the purpose of YourSon's trust will be to use a share of what they left behind to improve his quality of life during the time after their deaths.

[Stuff about special needs] Having pointed that out, (1) I'm not a lawyer and (2) there are still legitimate concerns about YourSon's special needs and about what will happen if assets remain in his trust when he reaches the age of 30..... Please send a copy of the document(s) defining YourSon's existing special-needs trust. A full understanding of his existing special-needs trust will help to determine how his share of the trust should be directed for his short-term and long-term benefit.

Regarding my mother's jewelry, I used a magnifying glass to look closely at each piece I sent. The necklace with the rhinestones is an inexpensive (yes, "costume") Monet piece and the anklet (if I remember correctly) is sterling silver, but -- unless I made a mistake -- the two-tone bracelet (which appeared to be relatively new and was accompanied by one or two extra links that were in a small envelope) was marked "14K." It is not appropriate to refer to any piece of solid gold jewelry as "costume" jewelry. I assumed that I had found the correct bracelet when I sent the package, but I also found one other gold bracelet on the master bedroom carpet (after selling and moving a piece of furniture) just before leaving Florida a couple of weeks ago; I'm willing to send that to you as well. I assure you that I am not withholding and have no knowledge of any piece of jewelry that is supposed to be yours. I even took time to visit my parents' longtime favorite jewelry store (Blue Water Jewelers) last month to see if I could learn more about the bracelet that, according to both of you, was specifically mentioned by Dad. Unfortunately, I learned nothing useful from that encounter; there were no major purchases on record since the installation of the store's new computer system several years ago. (They did have a file, which contained only several orders for jewelry repairs.)

Ted'sWife, you wrote:
> May we please discuss this on a phone call, instead of lengthy emails?

As I mentioned in the last email, my preference is to discuss these difficult and sensitive issues in writing.

Because this is another long email, I will close by repeating my explicit request from a preceding paragraph: Please send a copy of YourSon's special-needs trust document(s).

Primo

---

Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@verizon.net
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: priimo@hotmail.com

We shall reply to this after appropriate legal consultation. Just as Jack's children have outstanding educational loans, so does Ted'sSon.

more soon

---

Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com

Also, Primo, you and the lawyer are out of your depth here and these emails are offensive and bordering on ridiculous. You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being.

cheers

In which Ted feels the need to insult the concert that Primo and I attend and we both say out loud, "But why?" and then Primo says, "I don't feel so bad about sending that email now"

Primo at A Theater

September  at 8:27pm · 

This is Goldy's first full Mark Knopfler (or Dire Straits) concert -- although she saw part of one as a volunteer a few years ago. We have not heard any old favorites yet, but the musicianship is fantastic.

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• Bonnie, Julie, Tom and 12 others like this.

• Comments

• • Donna ...and the big wheel keeps on turning. Neon burning, up above...
    

    Like · Reply · 1 · September at 8:35pm
  • • Primo Unfortunately, we did not get to hear that song, but we did hear an excellent version of "Romeo and Juliet."
      

      Like · Reply · 2 · September at 10:38pm
  • Connie Saw them in Houston in 85?
    

    Like · Reply · 1 · September at 9:25pm
  • • Primo  I saw Dire Straits in Austin in '85 with Lenna, who should be tagged here but appears not to be on Facebook. frown emoticon
      

      Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 10:01am
    • Connie It was a great tour for Money for Nothin. The SouthernStar amphitheater was at Great America, and it was packed with fans. But Sultans ruled...
      

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  • Ted Pedestrian
    

    Like · Reply ·  · September 30 at 10:20pm

In which Primo and I argue because he is being - and I love this man - a wee bit of a baby about doing chores

So Primo and I are arguing a bit because he is cranky about Ted and because he did chores all day. I informed him that part of the deal of getting to be the person who does not get up at 6:00 a.m. to work for The Man is that you do the chores so shut up.

Then he said I need to be supportive because of all the pressure Ted is putting on him and I said shut up about that too because any pressure he accepts from Ted is his own choice.

"It does not count as real pressure if you are the person with the power," I said. "All you have to do is tell Ted to go to hell. There. Done! And then block his phone number and send his emails straight to junk."

"I don't know," he said.

"What. Ever."

"I didn't send that email. I think I need to tone it down. And I found out Ted had to have a tooth pulled today - a molar cracked."

"So?" I asked.

"Well, I can't send him a stern email on the same day he had a tooth pulled!"

"Of course you can! He will be drugged and guess what? I have had a tooth pulled and I have had multiple oral surgeries and LIFE GOES ON."

"Maybe."

In which we realize that Ted is innocent of the knowledge that his father's drunken fall is what caused Doris' death

Last night, Primo said, "I don't even think Ted knows that my dad had a part in my mom's death."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know. Ted only knows what my father told him, which is that he didn't remember what happened."

"So convenient."

In which Primo takes off the gloves with Ted, who has been a complete jerk

Primo has drafted an email to Ted.

"This is going to make him furious," he said. "He went off on my parents when they started an email with, 'Let's be clear.' He said, 'Let's NOT talk about 'let's.'"

"Good," I said. "He has become an audacious pain in the neck. Every time I think he can't be more presumptuous, he does something new."

From: PrimoTo: Ted

I apologize for not getting back to you until now. It took a bit longer than I expected to gather some information.

I decided to call [the insurance company] about Dad's life insurance policy and learned that you had called to provide notification of his death on September 14.  You did not discuss that with me before calling (which you should have done) or even inform me that you had initiated contact with [the insurance company]; all you did was write"I received a [insurance company] letter about our parents' trust." I wondered why you had received such a letter and was surprised to learn that you had requested it! I would probably not be upset if you had informed the  [insurance company] claims representative that the claim form should be sent to me and provided my name and address, but your action (requesting the form and then asking me to help you complete it) was way out of line. I don't know whether you were thinking that perhaps you were one of the life insurance beneficiaries, but you could have asked me and I could have told you that the only beneficiary is the Drunk trust. (I have the original certificate of insurance and the beneficiary designation forms from 2005.)

Let's get some things straight here:1. It's not "our parents' trust." It's my parents' trust. We have the same father but not the same mother. You loved my mother as a member of your family, but your mother is still alive.2. Neither of us is a beneficiary of the trust, but I am the trustee and you're not.3. I am Dad's personal representative, and you're not.As trustee, I am responsible for receiving the insurance payment and for (eventually) distributing it to the grandchildren's trusts. I have Dad's death certificates. The responsibility for filing the claim is mine. [The insurance company] is sending another copy of the claim form to me; I will complete it, attach the required documents, and receive the insurance payment.  I haven't been a hurry to file the life insurance claims because the trust is the beneficiary of both policies; it will be a while (probably on the order of a couple of months from now) before the kids' individual trust accounts are opened and some of the trust assets are available for their benefit.

There are two other open issues between us at this point,  your son's educational expenses and the ongoing controversy over a piece of jewelry. I will send a separate response to your wife's email regarding those topics. Although each of you requested in the applicable email messages that we discuss these issues by phone, I don't wish to do that. I prefer to correspond about sensitive issues by email because it is much easier to be precise in writing and email is self-documenting.

Primo

In which the king is dead, long live the king

Did I tell you guys that Ted sent an email to Primo asking for a phone conversation (always with the phone, that one) to get the information he needed to complete the claim for Sly's life insurance?

And Primo and I were both, "Whaaaat?" because as far as we knew, the estate was the beneficiary on the life insurance and Primo was the executor so why would Ted be involved?

But Primo thought, "Well maybe there is something going on I didn't know about - maybe Ted was listed as the contact person on my dad's policy so before I get mad at Ted, I will do some research?"

And he called the insurance company and they said they would have to take his name and call him back in a day or two, which made me, who used to work for a life insurance company, think, "What is that all about? Prudential never gave such bad service and USAA, our insurance now, does not give such crummy service. Why would it take customer service two days to call back on a death claim?

And we did not get an answer for that, but Primo finally got called back today.

Again, we are jaw-droppingly overwhelmed at Ted's audacity. WHO DOES THAT? Who calls the life insurance company about a claim when

1. He is not the beneficiary
2. He is not the executor?

I really thought this blog would die when Sly and Doris did, but a new villain has stepped in.

• 3:41pm

  Primo

  I finally called again and reached someone at [the insurance company]. Ted was completely out of line. He called and provided notification of Dad's death a couple of weeks ago, and they sent the claim form to him. It's not his job or his business to deal with that.
• 3:43pm

  Primo

  They're going to resend it to me, but they can't send it by email because of "confidentiality." I think I talked the lady (who is the "team lead" in the claims department) into sending it overnight so that I'll get it on Firday. Otherwise, it might not arrive until after I leave on Monday (because their normal shipment is UPS 2-day and it won't go out until tomorrow).
• 4:10pm

  Me

  WHAT??????????

  HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!
• Primo
  I'm awake now.

  He didn't discuss it with me or even tell me that he had notified the insurance company. All he wrote was "I received a [insurance company] letter about our parents’ trust."

In which I get cranky at Primo and I really need to stop doing that

Primo finally asked the lawyer about Ted's request to be reimbursed $875 a ticket for the three tickets Ted got using frequent flyer miles to attend his own father's funeral, to attend his stepmother's funeral, and to visit his sick, bereaved father.

The lawyer told Primo -

Wait! That's not what Primo asked about. I took notes about this when it happened and am just now (January) finishing writing.

Primo asked the lawyer about Ted's request for $156K (which is more than is in the trust) for Ted'sSon's educational expenses incurred in the past ten years.

The lawyer said Ted's request was ridiculous.

Which it was. And anyone reading this who thinks I am a bitch for not wanting to give Ted his son's money and not wanting to reimburse Ted for attending his own father's funeral - well, there is not much I can say to change your mind, is there? Except if you live in a world where parents can drain the trusts of their disabled children and that's considered OK and if you live in a world where people are not only reimbursed but PROFIT by attending their own fathers' funerals, then please invite me over because I have been doing it all wrong.

I picked Primo up at the airport. I was cranky because his plane was 20 minutes late and I had to pee. I was holding it until we got home - another 25 minutes - but then Primo detoured downtown.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I have to drop off these bills," he said.

I looked. It was bills being paid from the estate on Sly's behalf.

"Your father is dead," I said. "His credit rating does not matter."

Primo disagreed and we had a big fight but then he told me that Sly had told Maria, when she was ten years old, that she was getting fat, and he said that to her again this year.

First, Pot, meet Kettle.

Second, what kind of jerk grandfather tells his granddaughter she is getting fat? Even if she is, so what? Fat is not a character flaw.

Primo and I united over Sly's jerkiness.

In which Primo and I come to an agreement about his job plans

The other day, Primo and I had that fight about his going back to work or not and I was pretty cranky and I also thought I am not a very nice person because I put something that personal online - in an interview with the Washington Post, The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson, said, "I never write about something I’m still fighting with my husband about."

I am not as nice as Jenny Lawson because I write about fights Primo and I are still having.

You guys all understand that although I vent about these fights here, I am not looking for anyone to pile on Primo, right? I do love him and even though we fight (sometimes I wonder if we are the only ones because other relationships I read about online are all sweetness and light), we still like each other and love each other.

And I do think he has a point that he did not get the advantage of a year off. Sly and Doris took that year from him and then kind of screwed him by disinheriting him. The only reason I am not livid about that - the disinheriting - is that Primo did get Sly's IRA. It was only because Sly did not have his act together in the end and didn't change the secondary beneficiary, but it worked out to Primo's benefit. I am glad the grandkids are getting money - being able to start your working life without school loan debt is a huge advantage.

(When I got out of the Peace Corps and was looking for a job in Washington, DC - I wanted to stay in international development, I could not figure out how organizations could get someone with a master's degree, a foreign language, and international experience and pay that person only $20,000 a year. That had been my starting salary more than a decade before that - my starting salary with only a BA and only one language.

Then I figured it out - DC and those jobs are designed for the children of rich parents who are willing to give money to their adult children. It's not for the likes of us, who have to earn our own living and whose parents had to earn a living and did not have much left over. So yeah - I am happy that my nieces and nephews will have some freedom as they figure out what they want to do with their lives.)

Anyway, we had that fight and I was stewing about it a bit and also feeling bad because Primo really didn't get a year off to relax but then feeling angry because I was going to have to make all the sacrifices here.

But the issue needed to be resolved and resolved without acrimony because divorcing would be a real pain in the neck, so as we walked to the farmers market, I brought it up. I won't re-create the conversation because honestly, I don't remember the whole thing, but what we decided was

1. Primo would start looking for a job in January.
2. He would start telling his political friends now that he would be looking for political work in January and if they heard of anything to please let him know.
3. A political job that pays only $20,000 a year would not be acceptable. It would have to be a somewhat decent salary, although we both know he would not get what he was making as an engineer.
4. If there is nothing promising happening after three months of looking for a political job, he will expand his search to include looking for engineering work.
5. He will use the "I quit my job to run for public office" line for political interviews, but believes me that such a line would be toxic in the private sector. For engineering jobs, it will be that he quit to take care of his dying parents. Which is actually true - it's what happened, even if that was not his intention.


I can live with that.

In which Primo is totally validated

Primo and I were walking to the farmers market to get our grits with tasso gravy and pulled pork - if you have not tried this breakfast, I strongly recommend it - when a woman driving by stopped her car in the middle of the street and yelled, "Where did you get that t-shirt?"

He was wearing a t-shirt promoting one of the presidential candidates.

Of course, Primo being Primo could not give a short answer, even to a woman in a car stopped in the middle of the street - he told he had gotten it at a political event in the capital city but that she could probably get it on the website, which was PoliticalCandidate.com.

He was in heaven.