In which it is the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend and when I tell Primo I am bored, he asks if I want to collect signatures for his nominating petition, and I laugh because there is no boredom boring enough to make me want to go door to door with a clipboard talking about politics with strangers

Instead, I will just stay home and be bored.

And cook.

1. I already tried making calzones today. I am/was working from home and made the filling and the dough last night. Here is what I have learned:

• I love the Enchanted Broccoli Forest vibe, but pesto+ricotta is boring
• Calzones need hot, salty fat, i.e., pepperoni
• Calzones also need not to be overstuffed. Can you tell in which order I made these? Yes - top right to top left. 

2. I have leftover pesto+ricotta. (I have been trying to use inventory in the freezer and I have a ton of pesto from the Great Basil Harvest of 2014.) I also have a friend who is going through chemo. He and his wife were in the Peace Corps with me and live in the capital city. Primo has to drop off his nominating signatures by June 1, so is planning to drive there next week. I will make a new batch of better-looking calzones and send them with him for Joe and Joyce. Primo is going to look in the freezer for some sausage to add to the filling.

3. I am also going to bake some orange-poppyseed bread from my mom's recipe to send with him.

4. And I am going to make a pie from the last bit of pears from our tree. I have become a champion pear pie maker. I use the apple pie recipe from Bon Appetit. And lard. I use lard in my crust. I will not send the entire pie to Joe and Joyce, though. They get the entire poppyseed bread and a few slices of pie.

5. In addition to cooking and being bored, I am going to work out in the basement and I am going to read.

6. And sleep. Late.

7. I am not going to collect signatures.

8. (Primo already has over 200, so he is probably safe.)

In which Keith's former tenant threatens to go to small claims court

She emailed him last night:

Keith this is a courtesy email, just wondering what happen, it's the 26th of May,2016. And your 21 days have expired. I didn't receive anything from you... 
If I don't hear anything from you by May 31st, 2016. My only option is to go to Small Claims Court. 

(Tenant)  

He mailed her a letter and a check for $500 last week. Sent it registered mail. She is not getting any of her security deposit back, but is getting her pet deposit back.

If she doesn't have it by now, either the post office messed up (highly unlikely - our post office is really good in this country), or she gave Keith a bad address.

In which I discover that one of the advantages of Primo being gone all evening collecting nominating signatures is that I can work in peace getting rid of old stuff like some of the food we moved from Primo's apartment to the house eight years ago

This stuff was already old when we moved. I don't think we are in danger of starvation, so it is safe to toss ten-year-old pickled eggplant.

In which the dilemma about Primo going to his aunt's funeral may be resolved

Primo: My aunt is going to die.

Me: We are all going to die.

Primo: I mean soon. She is in hospice. I just spoke to my cousin.

Me: That is sad.

Primo: She got the DVD I sent* and was able to watch it.

Me: Good.

Primo: But I told my cousin that I am running for office. I think that will set the stage for my not being able to attend the funeral.

Me: I think that's fine.





* With the photos Primo displayed at Doris' funeral. There were many of Doris as a young woman before Sly got to her - she was drop-dead gorgeous and she looked happy.

In which the devil must be looking for his sweater because Primo is asking our back yard neighbor, a retired maintenance guy who had refused to sign Primo's nominating petition a few years ago but signed yesterday for this campaign, for help with the lawnmower

Primo: The lawnmower isn't working properly!

Me: Not my problem. I'm working.

Primo: But it's not working.

Me: Shhhh! Leave me alone!

Ten minutes later

Primo: Guess what? Bill was outside so I asked him what he thought. It was just last year that he repaired it for us, right?

Me: I think so. He was so nice.*

Primo: So I told him I would take it over once I was done cutting the lawn.**

Me: OK.

Primo: But then he said that he thought it might just need a new air filter. He happened to have one and gave it to me.

Me: Good!

Primo: It didn't work. While I was replacing the filter, he was googling. He came back out and said it looks like it just might need a carburetor adjustment. I said I would take the mower over there and he said he would come over here!

Me: He is so nice.

And then Bill came over, repaired the problem, played with our cat, and left.

Who was that masked man? I wanted to thank him.


* Bill asked me last year if we would let him repair the mower because it was too noisy and it was driving him crazy. When we bought our house, we closed five weeks before we could move in. Bill came over and cut our grass and moved all the trash cans the previous owner had left on the curb to the garage.

** Which is not the worst thing in the world when someone is willing to repair your gas-powered devices for free, but he is our exact backyard neighbor. We live in the middle of the block. And there is a big fence between us. It is the maximum walking possible.

In which Primo lets himself be pulled into a long conversation with a very kind and sincere but long-winded neighbor

Primo [on phone]: [ring ring]

Me: I know you're not calling me because you messaged that you would be home at six so we could get to the play on time and it is now 6:11.

Primo: Something bad happened!

Me: What?!

Primo: It was 5:52 and I was walking past Roberto's house and I thought, "I have the perfect excuse to get the signature and get out!"

Me: Oh no! You didn't stop!

Primo: But I did - and he STILL kept me! He can talk!

Me: Like what? About what?

Primo: He asked, "Who's your campaign manager? You have to pick one! You need to run it by me!"

Me: Oh gosh.

Primo: He said, "We need to come up with a strategy to win this district!"

Me: Yeah. He talked about that last time. That's all he wanted to talk about last time. We needed someone to deliver yard signs but he wanted to re-do the strategy one week before the election.

Primo: Then he asked, "Do you know people to talk to about campaign managers?" I told him he had met B at that campaign event at our house and he said, "I met B and you need someone with more skills than that!"

Me: We are not hiring a campaign manager! What we need is someone to collect nominating signatures.

Primo: I think I could get him to do that, but I would have to spend an afternoon listening to him. He is a really nice guy---

Me: But he is not focused!

Primo: I told him we are not hiring a campaign manager this time - that we hired one last time and it was a disaster, plus we don't have the money this time because I am not working. And I promised you that we would not spend money.

Me: Good.

Primo: I thought if I told him you and I were going to the theatre that he would just sign, but he said, "Come in! Come in! Let's talk!"

Me: You didn't go into the house, did you? Because that would not have been a good idea for getting out of there quickly.

Primo: Yes. I did.

Me: Ouch. Big mistake.

Primo: I know. He's so excited about the theory.

Me: But right now, you just need someone to circulate nominating petitions. Bless his heart.

Primo: I know. Bless his heart.

In which Primo sees that one of the names on his walk list is that of the guy who wanted to discuss campaign strategy but had no interest in helping with practical issues

Primo: Oh! Guess who's name is on my list?

Me: Who?

Primo: Roberto!

Me: Oh no! Do not stop there. Just skip his house!

[When Primo ran the first time, Roberto was really excited about the campaign and wanted to talk about strategy and wanted to completely revise Primo's strategy but didn't want a yard sign in his yard because he said he was worried about retribution from his neighbors, even though almost everyone where we live votes Primo's and Roberto's way. I would ask him to help with the practical things, like assembling and delivering yard signs, but he did not want to do that. Maybe because it is boring - it IS boring. I don't want to do it. But on a campaign, you don't get to do just the fun stuff and leave the crap for other people.]

Primo: I know he'll sign.

Me: You need 300 signatures. Do you have to get his?

Primo: If I could just get the signature....

Me: He is the nicest guy, but he wants to talk about all the theory about campaigning and doesn't want to do any of the legwork!

In which both Primo and I forget that it is the one-year anniversary of Doris' death and we wonder if we should feel guilty about that

Primo: I'm not doing it right!

Me: What? [worried that something has gone horribly wrong in collecting signatures for his nominating petition and he will try to involve me in a conversation about politics when all I want to do is bake some cakes for our neighbors, who include 1. new people, 2. people who just had a baby, and 3. a couple who is getting married. Any excuse is good for cake. But I need it to be cake with vegetable oil instead of butter because we are almost out of butter and Primo has not had a chance to get to Aldi.]

Primo: Do you think death anniversaries are important?

Me: Nope. But your mom sure did.

Primo: Yeah. She would get really upset if I didn't call her on Nancy's death anniversary AND on Nancy's birthday. [Doris got upset about everything.]

Me: It's not something I care about.

Primo: It was one year ago today that my mom died.

Me: Oh!

Primo: I hadn't even thought about it.

Me: Me neither.

Primo: Niece #2 sent me a text.

Me: Was it a text giving condolences or asking for them?

Primo: Giving. She wrote, "Thinking of you today, Uncle Primo. xoxoxox."

Me: That is really sweet and thoughtful.

Primo: Am I supposed to be sending something out?

Me: No. You had the closest degree of relationship with your mom. They contact you if they want. But you don't contact them.

Primo: Good.

Me: But it was awfully nice of her. She's a sweet kid.

Primo: Yes.

In which Primo suggests once again that I rename this blog "The Candidate's Wife" and I suggest that he be celibate until after the election

OK. That's not exactly what happened. I left out a few steps between the "HEY! I'm going to run for office again!" announcement and the "You can sleep alone" part.

1. There is a UTI involved. So I am not interested. That's the real reason for the Lysistrata move.
2. I told him that I have not spent my life yearning to define myself in relation to a man.

And.

Although I am not happy** that Primo is running again,

1. I remind myself that an unemployed husband who is running for state-level office whose parents are no longer a factor in our lives is a gajillion times better than an employed husband not running for office whose parents make him miserable.
2. All the work he has done to help other candidates and politicians might actually be coming back to roost. The guy whose spot he ran to fill four years ago who got all pissy with Primo actually wrote Primo a check yesterday when Primo was out collecting nominating signatures and told Primo he would gather signatures for him.*
3. Someone from the party called him last night and told him that they are putting a staffer at Primo's disposal and will give him the voter lists. As in, unlike last time, where they were happy to charge Primo for all this stuff because who doesn't like to make money from someone who is DOING YOU A FAVOR BY RUNNING, it looks like the party might actually be supporting him.
4. SLY AND DORIS ARE NOT A FACTOR IN OUR LIVES! (MUCH!) ANYTHING IS BETTER! I CAN DEAL WITH ANYTHING! EVEN PRIMO RUNNING FOR OFFICE AGAIN!




* For non-US readers who are not intimately familiar with our system - for a candidate to get on the ballot, he has to collect a certain number of signatures (the number depends on which office he is seeking) from eligible voters in the district. This involves spending the entire weekend and all evenings during the week walking from door to door asking people to sign the petition. Some people sign; some do not. There are a very few people who can be nasty, which I don't get - if you don't like the guy, don't vote for him. But - people are very angry in this country right now - there is a huge amount of frustration with politics and politicians and someone who actually comes to your door and says he is a candidate? He is an easy target.

For the office Primo is seeking, he needs 200 valid signatures, which means getting a lot more, just in case some are disqualified.



** Primo just looked over my shoulder and said, "Uh oh! I see you wrote, 'I am not happy!'"

In which we go out to celebrate Primo's birthday and I wonder if people who regularly stay out late know how crappy they feel but I can do it once a year for Primo

It was Primo's birthday yesterday. I made him a cake - chocolate with chocolate frosting.

Primo doesn't think it's dessert if it's not chocolate.

I - and I never thought I would ever say this - get a little tired of chocolate and sometimes want something different.

However, this overweening desire for chocolate chez nous is mostly good, as it means Primo doesn't buy ice cream in non-chocolate flavors. If he would buy salted caramel ice cream or rum raisin, I would eat a lot of it and Primo would eat none of it and I would have to own what I eat, which I hate doing, as I have been on a diet my entire life.

Enough about dieting - I try not to talk about that stuff because it is boring to other people. But after a few days with my mom, it's on my mind. She is 73 years old and still talks about dieting and losing weight and it makes me sad. First, she is not at an unhealthy weight. She is very healthy and she looks like what she is - a 73 year old woman who is not starving to death - and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope - and I am trying - that when I am her age and even before that the main focus of my life is not what I weigh.

I made a chocolate cake for Primo and I bought him some taro chips from the Hawaiian place. I didn't get him a card because there were no new cards with kittens and if the card doesn't have a kitten on it, there's no point, plus Primo and I both agree that four dollars is a little much to pay for a greeting card and we would rather use the money on cinnamon rolls from the good bakery by our house.

But what Primo really wanted was for me to go out with him.

You guys, I hate going out.

I. Hate. It.

I am an introvert. I don't like being in crowds. I don't like being in noisy crowds.

Also.

I do not like to stay up late. I treasure my sleep. I never get enough of it. Primo is always asking me to wait to go to bed with him - he's a night owl - and I tell him I will stay up for him if he will get up, get out of bed, and stay up at 6 a.m. when I have to get up for work.

That usually shuts down the conversation.

Also.

I do not drink. Not for moral or health reasons but just because I do not like the way alcohol tastes. If I am going to imbibe recreational calories, I would rather have butter.

But I went out with him because it was his birthday and he wanted to.

We went to Bar 1 to see his friend's band playing. But it was really loud and nobody else he knew was there. At 10:30, Primo suggested we leave and I got all happy and excited because I thought we were going home.

We were not.

We were going to Bar 2.

"I promised we would be home by around midnight, right?" he asked, which was indeed the case but I had gotten my hopes up about being home by 11.

We got to Bar 2 and it was also loud, but this was karaoke and not a band and I really like the guy who runs the karaoke show - he is the one who helped me set up Primo's Christmas present years ago - an afternoon in a recording studio making a CD. Jon has a friend who has a recording studio in his basement and Jon, Primo, and the guy made a CD! It sounds great and I made this fun CD cover, which you can see above.

Primo asked me what he should sing and I told him "Suspicious Minds," because he does that really well, but he sang, after telling everyone in the bar, "This is my wife! I really do have one! She came out with me because it's my birthday!", "Can't Help Falling in Love With You," which was nice because he was singing about how much he loves me in a public place, but was a little weird because I don't really like that song and what are you supposed to do while your husband is singing about how much he loves you and you don't even have a beer in your hands?

So that was strange but still nice and I am not sure how to handle that kind of thing because I prefer to be controlling events when I am in the spotlight.

Then we went home and it took me days to catch up on my sleep. Maybe next year I can just buy him some kind of cat thing instead of going out with him.

In which Ted sends an email to Primo wishing him happy birthday and thanking him for sending some money and I roll my eyes because I KNOW IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLAN

It's Primo's birthday.

I have known Primo for over ten years.

Each year, we have celebrated his birthday.

Each year since my mother has met Primo, she has sent him a card. Once we married, she started sending him $100, which I have asked her not to do as I want her to spend her money on herself, not on Primo and me. But my mom maintains that I am not the boss of her and if she wants to send Primo a birthday check, she can I cannot stop her. So we accept it and go out for a nice dinner and tell her what we had and everything is lovely.

I can't remember what Sly and Doris did for Primo's birthday. Oh! Yes I can! Remember the year of Doris adopting endangered species on Primo's behalf!

I re-read the comments and the consensus was that at least the money went to charity, WHICH I DO NOT CARE ABOUT - I CHOOSE MY OWN CHARITABLE CONTRIBUTIONS - but the better point was, "It's not like they are ever going to send you guys what you want anyhow and this doesn't have to be dusted."

So. You guys are right and I was wrong.

My sister and my brother always send Primo a facebook message on his birthday. Stephanie sends him a note. Primo's two stepdaughters send him a note.

This is what has been going on for the past ten years.

Never, not once, I don't think, in the time that I have known Primo, has Ted ever sent Primo a happy birthday note.

Which is fine. Honestly. It's not required. It doesn't make someone a bad person if he does not acknowledge your birthday.

However.

When someone, who, in this case, is Ted, acknowledges your birthday for the first time in ten years and the email is one of a series of emails asking for money, it does give one pause, doesn't it?

In which I consider carefully the thoughtful comments you all left and decide not to say "Hey!" to the high school boyfriend who ditched me right before the prom

Because really, what's to be gained? We were never friends - we were the kissing version of f*** buddies.

[I know. I am sort of a prude. I am still halfway worried that my mom will read this blog and shake her head in disappointment.]

But Ken and I kissed and kissed and kissed and it was very very good kissing.

But we didn't talk much, probably because we didn't have much to talk about.

Which is OK when you are 14. I would rather have been kissing than talking.

We were never friends. There is no friendship to be regained.

It's unlike with Keith, my other high school boyfriend, the one with whom I didn't spend time necking. We kissed only once.

Why? you ask.

Because it turned out that Keith is gay and there is only so much faking a person can do, even when he is not quite sure of things.

We didn't kiss but we talked and we were friends and he hung out at my house and talked to my mom so when I saw him on facebook, I did not hesitate to say hi! and now we are friends and when he has come through town (he is a commercial airline pilot), we have gone out to eat and when we were in Austin, we went out to eat with him.

So - the rules for contacting old boyfriends:

1. They actually have to have been friends
2. They cannot have been jerks.
3. I cannot have been a jerk to them.

Number two rules out the guy from grad school who turned out to be a jerk. Yes, I have googlestalked him, but only because I have this morbid curiosity. I don't ever want to see him again or talk to him again. I do not want him in my life. Shudder.

However. I would be pretty happy, I think, to have my college boyfriend back in my life. I just don't think he would want me in his. I was not kind to him when we broke up. Was I a jerk to him? I don't think I was. I hope I wasn't. I don't know. How do you break up kindly with someone? I didn't want to be mean, but I didn't want to marry him after all. It was not comfortable and he called me for months afterwards, late, late at night, upset, wanting to talk because who else do you talk to about heartbreak except your best friend, which is what we were.

And then I took that from him - and from myself.

He has never come to a college reunion. He married one of my roommates but I haven't kept in touch with her, either.

I have seen him on facebook. I hope he's happy. He has kids. I have looked at his children's photos and youtube postings and wondered if we would have had kids like that. They look nice. They look sweet and happy and they clearly love their dad. I wonder what I missed with him.

I did notice that he looked at my LinkedIn profile a few weeks ago. I have to admit that made me really happy - that maybe he hasn't forgotten about me and maybe doesn't hate me. I don't want him to hate me. I just want him to have a good life.

In which the hospital sends Primo another bill for his mom's care, even though she has been dead for FIFTY ONE WEEKS

Yes. That happened. Primo got a bill for something with his mom.

Not an overdue bill. Not a second or third or fourth request.

A first-time bill.

Doris died almost exactly 51 weeks ago.

Do you think the hospital could have gotten their crap together by now? Or Medicare? Maybe the hospital sent the claim to Medicare and it took Medicare this long to make a decision.

People. We have an estate to settle. WE WANT TO BE DONE.

Primo cannot close the estate until the bills are paid. Honestly.

Thank you again Sly for giving Primo the honor of being the executor of this estate.

Readers, heed this. Primo did not think it would be this much work to settle the estate. He is super conscientious and responsible (hello adult children of alcoholics! super responsible people who will take care of everyone around them so they make fabulous customer service employees for a business with angry, hostile customers) and did not want lawyer fees to eat up the estate, even though none of it went to him.

It is a ton of work. If you are an executor, make sure

1. that you can be paid the fee
2. that you dump it off on a lawyer if possible because do you really want to spend hundreds of hours dealing with crap that your parents should have dealt with?

Primo and I were at my mom's last week and we talked about all of this stuff with her. My mom, who is a very healthy 73 years old and who has a good 20 years in her yet (I hope), has already written a financial POA for me, a medical POA for my sister, and has been throwing out old stuff in her house, things like sewing patterns from the 1970s that she is not going to use again. She even finally gave away my dad's clothes - he died 18 years ago.

We talked about what she wanted when she can't take care of herself anymore. She didn't get angry or insulted. She didn't refuse to talk about it.

I hope you guys have parents like my mom, who are rational, and who care about minimizing the mess they might leave behind, and not parents like Sly and Doris, who clearly did not give a sh@t about how much work they were causing for Primo.

In which the guy who dumped me right before the prom comments on the facebook post of an apparently mutual friend and I wonder what to do

as I have not spoken to Ken since high school.

I have stalked him, but not spoken to him. Or written to him. Or seen anything written by him.

But it appears he is also a friend of my friend Slim from high school and I commented on something Slim posted this morning and then Ken did and I got the alert that someone else had posted and I wondered what should I do?

Y'all - this is a real-time post. I am writing this on August 23. Should I say, "Hey!" to Ken? "Hey! How you doing? Do you remember that you dumped me right before the prom?"

Asking.

PS Please tell me I am not the only one who googles old boyfriends. I just want to know how the story ends!

In which my mom, my aunt, and my uncle are mean to Primo

Hahaha! NOT REALLY!

Primo and I went to visit my mother for Mothers Day. We were there for five days? Something like that. He. Was. Amazing.

Seriously.

Primo is so, so sweet to my mother. He listens to her - she is worse than I am about adding extraneous details to a story. He washes the dishes her way. He stops using the Hand Towel for dishes and switches to the Dish Towel without argument when she points out his error.

He grilled vegetables for her. He grilled salmon for her. He made her omelettes. He is the sweetest man in the world to my mother.

He was also very kind to my aunt and uncle and listened to my uncle's many, many stories about escaping from the Russians in WWII. (My uncle was born in Prussia and his dad was in WWII on the Other Side.) Of course, my uncle's stories are fascinating, but they might not be as interesting to Primo as they are to someone who has known her uncle since she was nine.

Me: You are so wonderful to my mom. Thank you.

Primo: It's easy. Your family is always really nice to me.

Me: My family loves you.

Primo: My parents always treated you so well.

.......

.......

.......

Primo and me: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!