Ch 1 We spend money to fly to Florida and Primo’s mom and dad don’t even pick us up at the airport

Me: What do you mean, we have to rent a car?

Primo: To get from the airport to my mom and dad’s.

Me: They aren’t going to pick us up?

Primo: No! It’s an hour drive!

Me: So? I had a two-hour layover in Denver once and my mom drove up from Colorado Springs just to hang out with me.

Primo: They don’t like to drive that long.

Me: So you have to pay to rent a car?

Primo: They think I am made of money.

In which Primo wants to tell Ted how awful Ted has been so that Ted will see the error of his ways and apologize

I know.

I laughed, too, when Primo proposed this. Primo is so sincere and honest and will bend over backwards to help his friends.

Ted is a jerk.

If Primo tells Ted that Ted has upset Primo with all the jerky things Ted has done, Ted will, I guarantee, get super defensive and will then attack Primo.

Although if this happens, maybe it would make it easier for Primo to shake the dust off his shoes about Ted. I am fine with Ted never being a part of our lives again.

Chapter 1 part 2

My sister thinks I am uptight

Me: Jenny. Have you ever taken a boyfriend to mom’s and shared a room with him?

Jenny: Are you KIDDING me? Which mom are you talking about?

Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Jenny: Why?

Me: Primo is taking me to meet his parents—

Jenny: It’s about time. You guys have been together for more than a year.

Me: Yeah, well. They live in Florida so it’s not exactly easy to get there. Anyhow, Primo told his parents that I want to sleep in a separate room from him--

Jenny: Wait. He had to tell them that?

Me: Yes. I guess it’s not the default for them. He says his parents “pride themselves on being hip.”

Jenny: I’ve stayed in the same room with a boyfriend at his mom and dad’s. I never even thought twice about it.

Me: But what about taking a boyfriend to visit mom?

Jenny: That’s totally different! That is not how mom rolls! Mom does not pride herself on being hip.

Me: No kidding.

Jenny: So they just assumed you guys would be in the same bedroom?

Me: Yes.

Jenny: Are you guys sharing a room now?

Me: Umm. Yes. But at his place or at my place.

Jenny: I thought you weren’t going to sleep with him until his divorce was final.

Me: Yeah well that resolution didn’t last very long.

Jenny: Homewrecker.

Me: Hey! He had already moved to Austin and filed when I met him. It’s been six years since he split with his ex-wife!

Jenny: She’s not his ex-wife. Legally.

Me: You know what I mean.

Jenny: Yeah, whatever, you homewrecker. When was the last time you visited a boyfriend’s parents?

Me: Probably not since I was in my mid-twenties.

Jenny: You are old now. Nobody cares. Maybe they’ll ask you to smoke pot with them.

Me: Nope. They hate drugs.

Jenny: It’s just sex they are hip about?

Me: I guess so. I am not getting a good vibe about this. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but I guess it is. I have never slept in the same room with a boyfriend at his mom and dad’s and hadn’t even thought about it, but then Primo mentioned that they will put us both in the guest room.

Jenny: That is a little weird that you don’t want to be in the same bedroom with him.

Me: No! It’s that I don’t want to be in the same bedroom with him at his mom and dad’s! That’s the weird part. When we stayed with his friend Doug last year, Doug didn’t want us in the same room. He said it would be a bad influence on his kids. Primo said if we couldn’t be in the same room then we weren’t coming. I didn’t care about that. It’s just in front of parents that it feels wrong.

Jenny: Call me when you get there. I want to know what happens.

Maybe the first chapter? Or part of it?

Raise your hands: How many of you slept in the same room as your significant other the first time you went to his parents’ house and stayed there overnight?

Yeah. Me neither.

Every single time I have ever visited the parents (1), I have stayed in my own room and the boyfriend has stayed in his own room.

Anytime I have taken a boyfriend to my parents’ house, we have had separate sleeping quarters.

It never even occurred to me that it would be any other way – that parents would expect their child, even their adult child, to share a room with his SO.

But then, I have never met Primo’s mom and dad before.

“They pride themselves on being hip,” he tells me when he explains that they are very annoyed at the idea that I would not be comfortable sharing a room with him under their roof.

Wait. “Annoyed” is probably not the right word.

They are pissed.

Primo: They just don’t want to clean the spare room. And, like I said, they pride themselves on being hip.

Me: Parents are not supposed to be hip. I can promise you that when we go to my mom’s house, we will be in separate rooms. My mother is not hip.

---

1. I have multiple data points on parental visits. Not with the guy in grad school whose parents, it turned out, didn’t even know I existed. That, my friends, is a red flag that should not be ignored. I ignored it. But that’s a different story.

In which Primo is called a rabble rouser

You guys, you know I don't always agree with Primo about politics. And you know he can talk LordHaveMercy can he talk.

But he is not rude. He is not disruptive. He is not impolite.

The other day, he was at a local party meeting. There were about ten people there. He got there too late to eat any of the pizza the other people had ordered, but he bought a beer. It is rude to use an establishment as a meeting place and not pay some sort of rent.

He encouraged the other people there to go to the town halls our congressman and our state representative are holding. Both the congressman and the state rep are of the other party.

Primo has run against both men. He has met both men in person. One time, he was on a flight back from DC and ended up sitting next to congressman, with whom he had a very nice conversation - congressman knew who Primo was and that Primo was running against him.

State rep, the first time Primo ran against him, made a point to seek Primo out to introduce himself.

Primo writes to congressman all the time. This congressman signs all of his constituent letters by hand. When he sees that the letter is to Primo, he crosses out the "Mr Digger" and writes, "Primo" in its place.

At state rep's town hall last week, state rep sought Primo out afterwards, said hello, and asked how I (we have met) am doing.

State rep and congressman have never been anything but gracious to Primo. They understand, as Primo does, that there is nothing personal about their disagreements.

So Primo was very upset to learn that a local talk show host had talked some trash about him.

Someone else at the local meeting had overheard Primo and had called the talk show host, saying that Primo, the "leader" of the group (he is not) was trying to "organize protests" (um no - Primo has attended protests but going to a town hall meeting and respectfully asking questions of one's elected representative is not "organizing a protest"). Not to mention, BlessHisHeart, that Primo is not an organizer. He is a thinker - he analyzes issues deeply and has ideas about how to fix them, but he is not an organizer. At all. I live with him. I know.

Primo wrote this on facebook:

Here's some entertaining news: I was mentioned by [local talk show host] yesterday! (Listen to this podcast starting at 13:55.) He read a report from an unnamed listener describing me as "the leader" of the Drinking Liberally [our city] group, which I am not, and accusing me of "organizing protests against [other party] elected officials at their town hall meetings." Pretty much everything he said about our discussion was incorrect, including that we were not buying food or drinks at the business. I was simply mentioning the upcoming town halls and suggesting that my [of the same party] friends should try to attend. I'm confident that both [state rep] and Congressman X would say that I participate respectfully in their meetings.

If someone had called Primo an ultra-his party who believes in A, B, and C, he would have smiled and said, "Yes." But to be accused of bad behavior that you have not committed? That hurts.

In which I try to convince Primo that a neutral third-party as trustee for the grandkids might actually be better for them and would not be a sign that Primo was betraying his nieces and nephews

Niece #2 wanted money from the trust for a car.

Primo already disbursed funds to Niece #1 for a car.

Stephanie's boyfriend of several years sells cars. He found a car for N2, but there was some weird stuff in the contract about how he couldn't waive the commission and that bothered Primo A LOT.

Me: Either you are going to have to be super involved in this kind of decision or you are going to have to let it go.

Primo: But what if Stephanie's boyfriend* is scamming N2 on the car?

Me: It's her money. She's an adult. And now, your parents are winning, because they are pitting you against the rest of your family. Why else would they designate you as the trustee for their grandchildren's money instead of the children's parents?

Primo: I hate doing this.

Me: Then resign!

Primo: But I would feel guilty - like I had abandoned a responsibility.

Me: If a lawyer were the trustee, he could ask all these questions about the commission and even if it makes the family angry at him, it does not affect the rest of their relationship. The kids might be better off with a neutral third party who does not have to balance family ties with the trust.

Primo: Maybe.



* Who is a lovely man and who has not given us any reason to believe he is dishonest

In which Primo discovers that people really really really like getting handwritten thank-you notes

Primo's stationery (ary?) arrived before Christmas. He has been writing the notes since then. I understand that politicians are busy and you can't write an entire note for every campaign contribution - most notes we have gotten have been printed postcards with the candidate's signature as the only handwritten item, but when someone prepares a bunch of food for a campaign event and hauls it from Capitol City to Our City 90 miles away or when someone donates $100, that is a lot and it merits a handwritten thank you.


Primo: I ran into two people who got thank you notes from me.

Me: And?

Primo: They made a point of thanking me! They were so happy to get them!

Me: That's really nice.

Primo: A guy I used to work with had sent me a contribution and I wrote him a note. We're not really in touch - someone else at work had shared my campaign page with him and he started following and then sent me some money. He wrote me a letter. A LETTER!

Me: Retail politics. Plus, when people give you their hard-earned money, it's really nice for that to be acknowledged.

In which Primo muses that maybe Sly would have changed the will if he had lived longer because he was so grateful at all the help Primo was giving him and I bite my tongue

Primo: Maybe my dad would realize how grateful he was to me and acknowledge all the help I had given them.

Me: Umm. OK.


Primo: Although on my dad's last day, when Jack and I were with him in the room, he was delirious and saying that he was going to disinherit Jack and me and leave it all to Ted.

In which Primo reminds me that Sly said I was selfish, which confuses me, because I do not expect people to sacrifice themselves for my satisfaction, and then I realize that Sly's definition of selfish was "Anyone who didn't want to do what Sly wants"

selfish

[sel-fish] 

 

• Synonyms
• Examples
• Word Origin

See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com

adjective

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one'sown interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

selfish motives.

Primo: Oh yeah. Really, the selfish person was my dad.

Me: Just saying --

In which Primo has a Man Cold that he thinks might be Man Flu and we both have to suffer

And then this happened:

In which we identify the second good thing that Sly and Doris left us - they can disinherit you from money, but they can't keep you from taking the gallon-sized ziplocks home if you are the person in charge of cleaning out the house. Or the lump crab, which really, was not that good.

Primo, do we have legal-sized envelopes? I want to mail at least a dozen Christmas letters next week to the people who send me physical cards.

If we don't, if it's convenient for you, would you get some on the way home?

Otherwise, we/I can get some later this week.

Also, when you come home, would you please put the trash and compost that are sitting outside the back door in the trash/compost?

xoxox

You mean regular business-sized envelopes?

yes

I have plenty of them.

Shirley wrapped herself around my neck while I was doing squats

for ten minutes

I think she was sleeping

Part of my inheritance. My parents had a big box of envelopes.

Shirley loves you!

We got envelopes and the giant ziplocks!

Chat Conversation End

Seen 12:32pm

In which we get a Christmas card for Sly and Doris addressed to them at our address and we cannot figure out how that happened

How? How does it happen that someone - not a catalog, not a charity, not a political organization - has our address as Sly and Doris' address?

I really want to know.

And I want it to stop. I want not to get their mail. I want not to have frequent reminders of them. Our Christmas this year was so much nicer without them. Five years ago, we went to Spain for Christmas and Sly and Doris were furious. They sent Primo an email telling him - these were their words - that he was a "bad son." Sly told Primo that Doris was threatening suicide. Doris sent Primo an email on Christmas day telling him that "everything sucks and I get despondent."

I am not making this stuff up, people. Those of you from nice families might find it hard to believe that parents like Sly and Doris exist, but they do!

But they are finally gone and Primo and I are getting to have a life without their constant demands and drama and it is nice. Am I asking too much not to get their dang mail?

In which we return from being gone for ten days but do not find any pears from Ted

But Ted did call us on Christmas, when we were at the airport. We had a long layover in Atlanta and were getting into the "We are going on vacation!" and "We are going to be eating churros y chocolate in less than 24 hours!" groove when Primo's phone rang.

It was Ted.

Ick.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, not a Deal With The Drama That Is Ted day.

Man, I cannot stand him. The guy is such a jerk. Who expects to be paid for attending his own father's funeral?

(Although I have to cut Ted some slack here when I think about the part where Sly abandoned Ted and Jack to an woman Sly spent the rest of his life defining as the evil alcoholic harridan bitch from hell, even to Ted and Jack, which really? This is how you talk about your sons' mother to them?

And how Sly refused to pay anything for Ted's college, saying that Ted, who went to a decent school - not fabulous, but decent, could have gone to the tier 4 school where Sly taught for free. Sly also pointed out that his child support obligations ended when Ted turned 18. And that Ted's stepfather could afford to pay Ted's tuition - even though Ted's stepfather was not, you know, Ted's father.

Sly didn't have the same attitude toward Primo. He never suggested that Primo attend the college where Sly taught and he paid all of Primo's college bills.

So - hmmm. Maybe Ted has reason to feel a little disrespected by Sly and maybe Sly should have paid for Ted to attend his funeral because honestly, if I were Ted, that might the only way I would have gone.)(I went to Sly's funeral to support Primo and to make sure that he was dead.)

OK. But even with these caveats and a degree of sympathy for Ted for having such a crummy father, neither of us want to talk to him.

But Primo said, "If I don't talk to him now, he will just keep calling."

"You could block his number," I said. "That's what I have done."

Primo rolled his eyes. "I'm going to get it over with."

He came back a few minutes later.

"Is he sending us pears again?" I asked.

"He didn't mention it."

"Did he ask for money?"

"Nope."

"That's weird."

"Yeah. He didn't even suggest that it was looming."

"But we know it is."

When we got home from the trip, there were no pears waiting. Ted is falling down on the job.

In which Primo does not rush into the very rash decision of buying monogrammed stationery

It has been more than six weeks since the election.

Wonderful people gave time and money to Primo's campaign.

Primo still has not written thank-you notes to them. I am trying not to care, because it's not me and my notes, but man is it stressful. Those people need to be thanked. This needs to be DONE.

On Sunday, Primo came downstairs with what remains of the monogrammed stationery I bought for him years ago. There is only one piece left.

He needs to write way more than one thank-you note.

We found the vendor online. Found some stationery he liked. Found a good price. It's made in the US, which is always a plus - we want our fellow citizens to have good jobs.

"Should I order this for you?" I asked.

No! Not yet!

I wanted to know what additional information he needed to make this decision.

He was not ready.

Every night, I asked again.

No! Not yet!

Last night, he was ready.

"But should I get 100 pieces?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. "It's something you'll use the rest of your life. It's not a perishable."

"But that's a lot."

"If you die before you use it all, I will use it up."

"Your name is not Primo!"

"I will cross it out,"  I assured him.

Then he told me that he was going to pay extra to guarantee shipping by Christmas (next Sunday).

"If only there had been a way to pay regular shipping and still get it in time," I said.

Honestly.

In which Primo does not win and Ted calls and we worry that all kinds of drama will start again

I have not written anything for a few months because

1. I am lazy

2. Not much has been going on

Except

TED

(Which you knew)

Oh - and Primo did not win. Which was sad. He outperformed other candidates in his party upballot, but that's easy - Primo is a man of integrity who has never lied to or been snarky to the American people. That is, Primo is not a jerk, which is something I cannot say about anyone else who was on the national ballot.

Back to Ted.

Today is Dec 17. It is one week until Christmas. Here is what Ted has been doing over the past few weeks. We know he is working up to asking for money.

1. He texted Primo repeatedly after the election, offering his (unasked-for) opinion. Primo was all stressed because Ted wanted to talk and Primo did not want to talk. I said that just because Ted wants does not mean he gets. Primo never called Ted.

2. He sent Primo an email about some karaoke machine that was on sale, telling Primo that in an alternate universe, he would be giving this to Primo for Christmas.

"He's working up to asking you for money," I said.

3. He sent Primo a text about Nancy, whose birthday was last week. Ted has never commemorated Nancy's birthday before to Primo in any way.

He is going to ask for money. I just know it. The only question is will he send us some pears again this year?