Wednesday, September 30, 2015

In which I am still in shock but Primo is going out for a beer and you know what? I don't blame him

You guys, it's been such a weird day. I spoke to Primo at 7:20 a.m. and then went straight to three hours of conference calls, so I couldn't even think about Doris' death. Then I thought about it and felt guilty that I had not been nicer to her and had not wanted to talk to her more when she was in the hospital but she didn't like me! When I am sick and in the hospital, please do not ask the people I do not like to call me to cheer me up.

But I still felt guilty that I had not made more of an effort. Does that happen after every death? I didn't feel guilty with my dad, but I had no mixed feelings about him. I loved my dad. Period.

I felt sorry for Doris but I didn't like her and now I feel bad for that.

I have been in shock most of the day. I just spoke to Primo for the third time today. He is on his way out for a beer. This morning was going to be the first morning in over a month that he was going to get to sleep late. He has been staying at Sly and Doris'. Sly spent last night at the hospital so this was going to be the first morning that Primo was in their house alone, without Sly getting up at 7:00 a.m. and making all kinds of noise. (Sly does that. I have stayed there. He and Doris made no attempt to be quiet, even though the guest room is right next to the living room.)

But he got a phone call at 6 a.m., so he didn't get to sleep.

I had texted Sam, Primo's best friend, and my brother, my sister, and my mom to let them know Doris had died. Sam notified three more of Primo's good friends.

"These people have called and I haven't had time to call them back!" he said. "This is very stressful."

I assured him that nobody expects a return call in a situation like this. "They are calling you not necessarily to talk to you - they know you are busy and in shock - but to let you know that they care about you and that you are important to them. They are not sitting by the phone thinking, 'I cannot believe he hasn't called me back!' Nobody expects it. Nobody. They want you to feel supported and loved. That's all."

When he talked to me this afternoon, after he and Jack told Sly that Doris had died (but only after talking to Sly's doctor to find out if Sly was in a state to receive such news - he did have surgery yesterday), he asked that I be nice to Sly and maybe give him a fresh start. Oh sure, I said. I mean, I am not going to pick a fight with Sly.

"My dad said my mom had been really nice the past few weeks," he said.

"Hmmmm," I answered.

"I told him it was because he had been nice to her."


ButI know Sly won't care about repairing a relationship with me. If he does do this deathbed conversion and become Mr Lovey, sure, I'll go with it. But I am not holding my breath.

"Have you thought about where he might live?" I asked. "Didn't he mention moving near his sister?" (She lives in another state.)

"Oh no," Primo said. "That would not work."

"Why not?"

"We even talked about it today. He says he's close to her but then he says he doesn't really like her and doesn't want to live near her."

"That makes no sense."

"He doesn't really like her" - remember this is is sister - the one person alive who has known him his entire life - "because she is a [opposite political beliefs from Sly]."

I laughed. "He doesn't like his own sister because of her political beliefs? The same beliefs I hold?"

"Yes," Primo answered.

"So there isn't really going to be a relationship between Sly and me," I said.


  1. wow. if I had to limit my friends to only my political affiliation, I'd be a lonely girl.

    1. Me, too! I can't imagine only having friends who agree with me. I wouldn't be half the person I am today without having friends who were willing to talk about things we disagree on, knowing we aren't necessarily going to change the others' minds, but still willing to discuss the issues just the same. My life would be pretty boring if everyone I hung out with agreed with me on everything.

      How sad that Sly limits everyone like that, even his own sister. :(

    2. Webb and Jessica, I AM MARRIED to someone I don't agree with politically! And I have, like you, a ton of friends on The Other Side. We like each other. We talk, sometimes about politics, sometimes about cats, sometimes about purses. There is always room for people of good will to find common ground.

  2. *is waiting for Sly to suggest he moves in with Primo in Primo's house*
    What do you mean it's your house too? You should be GRATEFUL to be allowed to share it with Sly. Yup, something like that. ;)
    More hugs to you. J xx

    1. ^^ I am also for this! I fully expect Sly to believe that either he will move in with you and Primo, or that Primo will move in with him and care for him full-time.

    2. J and Lauren, I would divorce Primo before that would happen. I love him, but he has already used the "for worse" card for politics. :) AND he promised on our wedding night that his parents would never live with us.

      I should have had him write that out and get it notarized.

  3. When people die (especially ones you didn't like/get along with) I think it's not so much guilt as regret that you couldn't have the relationship you wanted. I mean, had they been nice to you, or even distantly polite, you would have had a much different relationship with them.

    1. Cathy, you are right - it is the mourning of the relationship that could have been but never was.

  4. Wow, Sly, wow.

    And I think Cathy has it right, you mourn what you didn't have. I keep thinking about the grandfather me and my sisters should have had: a mix between Santa Claus and Hal Holbrook. The man we had could have given Sly a run in the awfulness contest and all I feel bad for is how bad my father felt when he died. My maternal grandmother had been sick for so long, her death meant no more physical suffering, so relief. And I had to be strong for my mother who didn't expect it to hit her so hard. But I do regret that my grandmother didn't take care of her health, which led to her stroke, and she missed so many of our milestones because she couldn't physical be there.

    1. You want the bad person to die first, don't you, KLC? And the good person to be left? It's not fair that it doesn't work that way.