- PrimoI talked to my parents again. My mom is trying to be upbeat, but my dad is concerned and I think I should still go.You were right about the sandwich. It was a decent sandwich if a comparison to really good banh mi is not involved.
- MeDoes your dad still miss me?
- PrimoThey want you to at least acknowledge his existence.What you write is to my mom only. and never mentions him.
- MeFine. I will write "Dear Sly and Doris"But he never writes to me. Only your mom does
- PrimoMy mom asked that you not fail to respect him because he has sometimes been mean.
- MeI am supposed to respect a man who has made her cry?
- PrimoHe did raise me, so he can't be all bad. There is only one story about him as a father that's really bad (the black eye).
- Meyes, but I have seen him be really mean to your momand I cannot respect thatand giving your own kid a black eye?that's really badbut that's not something you and I need to resolvehe is your father and you love himand that's OK
- PrimoI know, sweetie. But if you don't respect him (ever), it also hurts her.
- Mebut I do not have to like someone who is meannot that I would disrespect him to his facenot that I care about his feelingsbut he takes it out on your momand I am not going to make her pay for it
- PrimoBut you did disrespect him during the episode at Stephanie's.
- Meif your mom were dead, though, I would be blunt with himOh yeah!
- PrimoAnd by not offering oatmeal.And by being a bad bacon eater.
- MeTelling him to knock it off because Mariahad not mispronounced the word!your dad is a little bit overly sensitive, isn't he?Did you tell your mom that one of my issues is the way he treats her?Of course, she will defend him -if she acknowledges that his treatment is bad, she would have to do something about it
- PrimoIt's too late for her to do something about it. She needs to make the best of what she has left.
- Mebut that is between themI knowBut does she understand that I am on her side?
- PrimoIt doesn't help for you to be "on her side" when that means being against him. Except for when I'm visiting, he is all she has left.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
In which Primo says he can't be disinherited until he is actually inherited and my mom tries to give me money so I am even with my brother
Oh! I forgot! So while Sly is threatening to disinherit Primo, even though he has not even inherited Primo, as I had noted when I read the will six years ago, my mom is trying to give her money away.
My brother has had a rough time over the past 18 months. He had some eye problems that we were worried might be indicators of multiple sclerosis but fortunately, are not, but still have led to some permanent loss of vision. Considering he does architectural renderings, a loss of vision is a big deal.
He had had his own business for many years, but because of his eyes and other health issues, including some depression, he closed his business. Actually, I think he lost his biggest client and then the depression became worse and my sister and my mom and I were all really worried and we thought my brother might be suicidal and if you have ever watched someone you love go through this kind of thing, you will know how awful the whole thing was. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because I was so worried that I would get a call that my brother was dead.
My sister and I convinced my mom to drive down to see my brother and give him some support. My mom spent about a week with my brother and things got a little better. I helped him with his job search, using what I have learned from Alison at Ask A Manager, and he had a new job within a month.
Unfortunately, he lost the job - they didn't like his designs, which is the risk you run in an artistic profession.
Primo and I sent money to my brother. My sister the nurse practitioner talked to his doctor. I prayed.
Last month, my brother got a new job. He starts tomorrow. It is for the state university. Pay is only OK, but benefits are fabulous and I think my brother will do well.
Last week, I got a letter from my mom. It contained a check for several thousand dollars.
My mother is a widow who lives on a very fixed income. She gets some money every month from the VA because my dad's death was classified as service related. (He died from a cancer that has been linked to Agent Orange. He was in Vietnam, so may have been exposed.) But other than that, she just has the money she and my dad saved in the few years they worked in Saudi Arabia. They had no money in the bank when I went to college. The military does not pay a lot.
So my mom sends me $$$$ and a letter explaining that she wants to make sure she is being fair with my brother and my sister and me. She had been helping my brother during his unemployment and with his medical bills.
First, I don't want her money. I mean sure, I would love some extra cash - a lot of extra cash, but I want my mom to have enough money for the next 26 years and even if she has more than she needs to live to 96, I want her to spend it on herself. When my grandmother was in assisted living, it cost $3,000 a month and that was not even the expensive kind - she could feed and toilet herself. I don't want my mom to be in a crummy place and I don't want her denying herself just so she can leave money to her kids.
She is concerned with being fair but I don't begrudge her helping my brother. If he were some lazy bum who wouldn't get a job, then I would be bothered, but he is not lazy. He has always been a hard worker and he has always worked. He has never taken advantage of my parents. If she gave him that money, it was because he really needed it.
Second and mainly, I find it highly ironic that Sly and Doris are threatening to disinherit Primo - Sly and Doris, who have so much more than my mother does, although my mom does not spend money on booze, so perhaps she is ahead of Sly and Doris - while my mom is bending over backwards to make sure that she is treating all her children fairly. This is yet another example of my mom wins over Sly and Doris.
My brother has had a rough time over the past 18 months. He had some eye problems that we were worried might be indicators of multiple sclerosis but fortunately, are not, but still have led to some permanent loss of vision. Considering he does architectural renderings, a loss of vision is a big deal.
He had had his own business for many years, but because of his eyes and other health issues, including some depression, he closed his business. Actually, I think he lost his biggest client and then the depression became worse and my sister and my mom and I were all really worried and we thought my brother might be suicidal and if you have ever watched someone you love go through this kind of thing, you will know how awful the whole thing was. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because I was so worried that I would get a call that my brother was dead.
My sister and I convinced my mom to drive down to see my brother and give him some support. My mom spent about a week with my brother and things got a little better. I helped him with his job search, using what I have learned from Alison at Ask A Manager, and he had a new job within a month.
Unfortunately, he lost the job - they didn't like his designs, which is the risk you run in an artistic profession.
Primo and I sent money to my brother. My sister the nurse practitioner talked to his doctor. I prayed.
Last month, my brother got a new job. He starts tomorrow. It is for the state university. Pay is only OK, but benefits are fabulous and I think my brother will do well.
Last week, I got a letter from my mom. It contained a check for several thousand dollars.
My mother is a widow who lives on a very fixed income. She gets some money every month from the VA because my dad's death was classified as service related. (He died from a cancer that has been linked to Agent Orange. He was in Vietnam, so may have been exposed.) But other than that, she just has the money she and my dad saved in the few years they worked in Saudi Arabia. They had no money in the bank when I went to college. The military does not pay a lot.
So my mom sends me $$$$ and a letter explaining that she wants to make sure she is being fair with my brother and my sister and me. She had been helping my brother during his unemployment and with his medical bills.
First, I don't want her money. I mean sure, I would love some extra cash - a lot of extra cash, but I want my mom to have enough money for the next 26 years and even if she has more than she needs to live to 96, I want her to spend it on herself. When my grandmother was in assisted living, it cost $3,000 a month and that was not even the expensive kind - she could feed and toilet herself. I don't want my mom to be in a crummy place and I don't want her denying herself just so she can leave money to her kids.
She is concerned with being fair but I don't begrudge her helping my brother. If he were some lazy bum who wouldn't get a job, then I would be bothered, but he is not lazy. He has always been a hard worker and he has always worked. He has never taken advantage of my parents. If she gave him that money, it was because he really needed it.
Second and mainly, I find it highly ironic that Sly and Doris are threatening to disinherit Primo - Sly and Doris, who have so much more than my mother does, although my mom does not spend money on booze, so perhaps she is ahead of Sly and Doris - while my mom is bending over backwards to make sure that she is treating all her children fairly. This is yet another example of my mom wins over Sly and Doris.
In which Sly threatens once again to disinherit Primo and I go yeah well what else is new?
Primo didn't get to call Sly and Doris until after the drinking had started today. He was at a political event this afternoon - a football-watching party with the Teamsters - and wasn't home until after 3 p.m. our time, which is when they start drinking. Sly and Doris, not the Teamsters. I don't know about the teamsters.
Sly and Doris are upset with Primo and with me because I am taking him away from them and because he will not take control of our relationship and get me in line, which is fine fine talk from ultra-lefty and, one would assume, feminist Sly.
"My mom is not doing well. My dad says that she is hardly eating and gets most of her calories from alcohol and that she has the runs all the time."
"That's dangerous," I said.
He nodded. "I am really worried about her. It looks like she'll go first. But then what do we do with my dad?"
"Maybe we bring him up here to live with us," I joked.
Sly gave instructions to Primo that he is to get me in line and repair the relationship. Sly, apparently, is "hurt" that I do not have a relationship with them and that even though I write letters to Doris, I don't even acknowledge Sly exists. He is also upset that I do not visit them with Primo.
"Which makes no sense," Primo says, "because if you were with me, they would not have me all to themselves."
"He doesn't even like me," I said. "Why does he want me there?"
"So he can criticize you."
"Am I a bad person for not wanting to go there to be criticized?"
Primo shook his head.
I ask you, reader. Am I a bad person for not wanting to visit Sly and Doris just so Sly can beat me up?
Sly and Doris are upset with Primo and with me because I am taking him away from them and because he will not take control of our relationship and get me in line, which is fine fine talk from ultra-lefty and, one would assume, feminist Sly.
"My mom is not doing well. My dad says that she is hardly eating and gets most of her calories from alcohol and that she has the runs all the time."
"That's dangerous," I said.
He nodded. "I am really worried about her. It looks like she'll go first. But then what do we do with my dad?"
"Maybe we bring him up here to live with us," I joked.
Sly gave instructions to Primo that he is to get me in line and repair the relationship. Sly, apparently, is "hurt" that I do not have a relationship with them and that even though I write letters to Doris, I don't even acknowledge Sly exists. He is also upset that I do not visit them with Primo.
"Which makes no sense," Primo says, "because if you were with me, they would not have me all to themselves."
"He doesn't even like me," I said. "Why does he want me there?"
"So he can criticize you."
"Am I a bad person for not wanting to go there to be criticized?"
Primo shook his head.
I ask you, reader. Am I a bad person for not wanting to visit Sly and Doris just so Sly can beat me up?
Thursday, September 18, 2014
In which I am worried that my company's HR department will ruin the new job for me during the background check
I was worried that I would be fired because I ticked off the CEO but then I wasn't fired and I got my revised offer letter from NewCompany, so I was feeling better.
Then I learned that NewCompany would be calling CurrentCompany to verify employment and salary. (Why? are they going to pull the offer if I am not earning what I said I am? I did use my current salary to get a better salary with NewCompany, but it's still not as much as I made with CompanyThatLaidMeOff. If they want to base their offers on what others have paid, why not use CTLMO salary? I did point that out to my hiring manager, who told me that had old CTLAMO job over nine years ago. I replied that my skills had not disappeared - I am not developing microchips, I am a project manager. It's not like the ability to motivate people over whom I have no authority just disappears with time.)
I was worried that CC would tell NC, "You do not want to hire that worthless so and so. Do you know that she is a racist who wondered out loud, after her African American co-workers were saying how awful February was and a discussion of seasonal affective disorder ensued - if seasonal affective disorder affects white people and black people in different ways - that evolutionary biologists theorize that skin color developed as a response to the amount of sun and vitamin D and the more sun someone gets, the darker the skin - and that we had to put her on final warning for that?"
I can barely write about this because 1. I am so ashamed and 2. I am so horrified that I would be called a racist. Who wants to be a racist? This whole thing - there were two other incidents at about that level of awfulness - was such a horrifying blow. My boss asked why I would ever bring up race with my co-workers and I, bewildered, answered that I have had such conversations with African American co-workers and friends for my entire life with people who continued to be my friends and to seek out my company. If I were that offensive, then wouldn't people have avoided me?
Ugh. I don't even want to write about this, but it is part of the story and important to my fear about what HR might say about me to NC.
"And did you know that she ticked off the CEO because she wanted to start and end a meeting on time?"
"Do not hire this woman."
But then the logical question from NC to CC would be, "Then why haven't you fired her if she is so awful?"
To which CC would have to say, "Well um you know. She's really not racist but the CEO made some truly racist comments last year and the other HQ people in a country that is not the US and not Argentina have made some really racist comments so we just jump on anything now because we are scared of getting our asses sued off. The board made the CEO write a formal letter of apology but we are still super skittish about this."
"Oh. Why haven't we fired her? Well, because nobody else will work for the low salaries we offer."
I was worried. I was really worried about what HR might say to NC. I have no such concern about any other place I have ever worked. They could call anyone from my previous employers and ask if I work hard, if I get results, if I am a racist, and would be told yes, yes, and what are you talking about?
OK, the factory I worked at for six months where I was supposed to develop a strategic plan to go into new markets but then ended up not having anything to do because a month after I started, we got a new VP who said, "This is our strategy," that one, I could have done a lot better job. I think now about the projects I should have initiated and the projects the CFO wanted to do that I should have become involved in and I wince. I did not do a good job there. I did what I was asked to do, but there is so much more I could have done and I would really like a do-over.
But really, I don't care if they call anyone from an old job, even someone not on my reference list, because there isn't anything anyone could say that would torpedo my chances at a new job.
With the NC background check, they call the CC. I was worried.
How could I find out what they could say? They won't do only a partial background check. It's all or nothing, so they have to wait until I give notice at CC. But what if CC tells NC something that makes NC withdraw the offer?*
Then I was looking at a co-worker's wedding photos. Idris Elba had gotten married and was sharing his photos. It was a lovely wedding and his bride is lovely and Idris is the nicest guy in the world and needs to get the heck out of there.
(Did I tell you that his boss wanted him to take an hour of PTO the day he left work an hour early? Even though we are often on phone calls late in the evening with HQ and he certainly puts in more than 40 hours a week?)
I turned the page and discovered Susan Sarandon in a photo. (I have to use these star names because I was giving random fake names to people and could never remember what I had called them. I am not sure that I will remember the star names any better, though.)
"Idris, why is Susan in this photo?" I asked.
"She's my wife's aunt," he answered.
Susan also happens to work in HR at CC. She is the nicest lady in the world - she recruited me and we ride the bus together sometimes. She is a sweet, sweet lady and I had wondered if I could trust her, but I wasn't sure.
"Idris," I asked. "Would you do me a huge favor but keep it between us?"
Idris had already shared with me that he had been put on a PIP, that he thought the CEO was a jerk, that he was paid only 60% of what I make even though he has three direct reports, and that his boss had wanted him to take the hour of PTO, so I knew he and I were of like mind. We were both disgruntled.
"Would you ask Susan - without telling her who wants to know - what they tell prospective employers who call to verify employment?"
Idris knew about the racism thing and had thought it was crazy. He's the one who told me about the CEO's race issues.
"Sure," he said. "I'll talk to her this afternoon."
"I want to know what kind of dirt they spill," I explained.
He nodded. "I want to know for myself," he said. "What with this PIP and all."
I waited all day, nervous. I had already asked a friend of mine who used to be an HR director at Kraft. She was pretty sure that CC wouldn't release anything but employment dates and eligible for rehire, but you never know. I have never worked in a place as crazy as CC.
After lunch, Idris came to my office. Closed the door. Sat. Composed himself.
I wanted to yell, "What?! Spit it out!" But I forced patience.
He smiled. "It's cool. They won't say anything other than someone worked here. You are fine."
I wanted to hug him.
I have been using up my vacation - CC does not pay it out- and will give notice soon. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to get out of here and have a fresh start at a place where even if there are crazy egos, there are too may other people around for the crazies to have an impact.
* This is why I have been carrying my prescription of vicodin in my purse. I want to remember to list it when I take my drug test and show the bottle to the person at the drug test. I don't know how long vicodin lasts in the body and I took it with some oral surgery I had.
Then I learned that NewCompany would be calling CurrentCompany to verify employment and salary. (Why? are they going to pull the offer if I am not earning what I said I am? I did use my current salary to get a better salary with NewCompany, but it's still not as much as I made with CompanyThatLaidMeOff. If they want to base their offers on what others have paid, why not use CTLMO salary? I did point that out to my hiring manager, who told me that had old CTLAMO job over nine years ago. I replied that my skills had not disappeared - I am not developing microchips, I am a project manager. It's not like the ability to motivate people over whom I have no authority just disappears with time.)
I was worried that CC would tell NC, "You do not want to hire that worthless so and so. Do you know that she is a racist who wondered out loud, after her African American co-workers were saying how awful February was and a discussion of seasonal affective disorder ensued - if seasonal affective disorder affects white people and black people in different ways - that evolutionary biologists theorize that skin color developed as a response to the amount of sun and vitamin D and the more sun someone gets, the darker the skin - and that we had to put her on final warning for that?"
I can barely write about this because 1. I am so ashamed and 2. I am so horrified that I would be called a racist. Who wants to be a racist? This whole thing - there were two other incidents at about that level of awfulness - was such a horrifying blow. My boss asked why I would ever bring up race with my co-workers and I, bewildered, answered that I have had such conversations with African American co-workers and friends for my entire life with people who continued to be my friends and to seek out my company. If I were that offensive, then wouldn't people have avoided me?
Ugh. I don't even want to write about this, but it is part of the story and important to my fear about what HR might say about me to NC.
"And did you know that she ticked off the CEO because she wanted to start and end a meeting on time?"
"Do not hire this woman."
But then the logical question from NC to CC would be, "Then why haven't you fired her if she is so awful?"
To which CC would have to say, "Well um you know. She's really not racist but the CEO made some truly racist comments last year and the other HQ people in a country that is not the US and not Argentina have made some really racist comments so we just jump on anything now because we are scared of getting our asses sued off. The board made the CEO write a formal letter of apology but we are still super skittish about this."
"Oh. Why haven't we fired her? Well, because nobody else will work for the low salaries we offer."
I was worried. I was really worried about what HR might say to NC. I have no such concern about any other place I have ever worked. They could call anyone from my previous employers and ask if I work hard, if I get results, if I am a racist, and would be told yes, yes, and what are you talking about?
OK, the factory I worked at for six months where I was supposed to develop a strategic plan to go into new markets but then ended up not having anything to do because a month after I started, we got a new VP who said, "This is our strategy," that one, I could have done a lot better job. I think now about the projects I should have initiated and the projects the CFO wanted to do that I should have become involved in and I wince. I did not do a good job there. I did what I was asked to do, but there is so much more I could have done and I would really like a do-over.
But really, I don't care if they call anyone from an old job, even someone not on my reference list, because there isn't anything anyone could say that would torpedo my chances at a new job.
With the NC background check, they call the CC. I was worried.
How could I find out what they could say? They won't do only a partial background check. It's all or nothing, so they have to wait until I give notice at CC. But what if CC tells NC something that makes NC withdraw the offer?*
Then I was looking at a co-worker's wedding photos. Idris Elba had gotten married and was sharing his photos. It was a lovely wedding and his bride is lovely and Idris is the nicest guy in the world and needs to get the heck out of there.
(Did I tell you that his boss wanted him to take an hour of PTO the day he left work an hour early? Even though we are often on phone calls late in the evening with HQ and he certainly puts in more than 40 hours a week?)
I turned the page and discovered Susan Sarandon in a photo. (I have to use these star names because I was giving random fake names to people and could never remember what I had called them. I am not sure that I will remember the star names any better, though.)
"Idris, why is Susan in this photo?" I asked.
"She's my wife's aunt," he answered.
Susan also happens to work in HR at CC. She is the nicest lady in the world - she recruited me and we ride the bus together sometimes. She is a sweet, sweet lady and I had wondered if I could trust her, but I wasn't sure.
"Idris," I asked. "Would you do me a huge favor but keep it between us?"
Idris had already shared with me that he had been put on a PIP, that he thought the CEO was a jerk, that he was paid only 60% of what I make even though he has three direct reports, and that his boss had wanted him to take the hour of PTO, so I knew he and I were of like mind. We were both disgruntled.
"Would you ask Susan - without telling her who wants to know - what they tell prospective employers who call to verify employment?"
Idris knew about the racism thing and had thought it was crazy. He's the one who told me about the CEO's race issues.
"Sure," he said. "I'll talk to her this afternoon."
"I want to know what kind of dirt they spill," I explained.
He nodded. "I want to know for myself," he said. "What with this PIP and all."
I waited all day, nervous. I had already asked a friend of mine who used to be an HR director at Kraft. She was pretty sure that CC wouldn't release anything but employment dates and eligible for rehire, but you never know. I have never worked in a place as crazy as CC.
After lunch, Idris came to my office. Closed the door. Sat. Composed himself.
I wanted to yell, "What?! Spit it out!" But I forced patience.
He smiled. "It's cool. They won't say anything other than someone worked here. You are fine."
I wanted to hug him.
I have been using up my vacation - CC does not pay it out- and will give notice soon. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to get out of here and have a fresh start at a place where even if there are crazy egos, there are too may other people around for the crazies to have an impact.
* This is why I have been carrying my prescription of vicodin in my purse. I want to remember to list it when I take my drug test and show the bottle to the person at the drug test. I don't know how long vicodin lasts in the body and I took it with some oral surgery I had.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
In which I am asked to do my six-month performance appraisal and am given a form that asks if I go to work as soon as my shift starts
Again - by the time you read this, I should (Lord willing) have started my new job, the job where the hiring manager likes that I am "a bull in Chinatown" because I will "kick butt and get things done." He and the rest of the team like that I am not afraid to say what I think and am not intimidated, but those qualities are not necessarily valued elsewhere, although I would be the first to admit that sometimes, it is better just to keep your darn mouth shut.
Which, of course, is the situation at my current (soon to be late) job.
(When I write "late" like that, it makes me think of the Number One Ladies' Detective Agency books, in which Precious refers to her father as "late." "He is late," she says, to indicate he is dead. It is a sad thing indeed to have a father who is late.)
At my current job, it is better to be seen and not heard and I will not make that mistake again.
But Jennifer Anniston told me today, when I told her the story about Sergio and how I was sent to my room without supper, that she had no idea what he was talking about and she hadn't noticed that I was being hostile or negative or hateful at all.
I am being gaslighted. I spoke to my friend Lenore, whom I have known for 25 years or something like that, and she is experiencing the crazy of a small company, too. We both come from big company backgrounds and have never been in this environment where one person can make so many people so miserable.
We are reassuring each other that it is NOT US.
Ladies and gents, I give you more information as to the craziness of my current soon to be late job.
I give you the form I had to complete for my six-month evaluation.
Yes. Six months.
They do not visit the horror of performance evaluations only once a year at this company. They do it twice a year. And lucky me, I got there in time for an evaluation before I quit.
There are a handful of items. Each has five options, ranging from bad to good. There are examples with each level.
For instance, this:
Requires extra safety supervision. Needs to be reminded on occasions to wear correct work attire.
I am being evaluated on whether I wear the proper clothes to work.
And on whether I show up on time:
Not sure what I say about this one, in light of the Drama of the Radio:
Excellent ability to get along with team members. Plays in active role within team. Often helps resolve conflict. Works positively to improve ongoing team development.
Here is what I can tell my boss:
I show up to work on time and get myself started once I have had some coffee and have read "Ask A Manager." I am the best-dressed person in the office - not hard to do when some people wear a yellow velour tracksuit on jeans day. But even without that, I dress sharp because I like to look nice and I feel different when I am dressed nicely.
Do you think I'll get a raise?
Which, of course, is the situation at my current (soon to be late) job.
(When I write "late" like that, it makes me think of the Number One Ladies' Detective Agency books, in which Precious refers to her father as "late." "He is late," she says, to indicate he is dead. It is a sad thing indeed to have a father who is late.)
At my current job, it is better to be seen and not heard and I will not make that mistake again.
But Jennifer Anniston told me today, when I told her the story about Sergio and how I was sent to my room without supper, that she had no idea what he was talking about and she hadn't noticed that I was being hostile or negative or hateful at all.
I am being gaslighted. I spoke to my friend Lenore, whom I have known for 25 years or something like that, and she is experiencing the crazy of a small company, too. We both come from big company backgrounds and have never been in this environment where one person can make so many people so miserable.
We are reassuring each other that it is NOT US.
Ladies and gents, I give you more information as to the craziness of my current soon to be late job.
I give you the form I had to complete for my six-month evaluation.
Yes. Six months.
They do not visit the horror of performance evaluations only once a year at this company. They do it twice a year. And lucky me, I got there in time for an evaluation before I quit.
There are a handful of items. Each has five options, ranging from bad to good. There are examples with each level.
For instance, this:
Requires extra safety supervision. Needs to be reminded on occasions to wear correct work attire.
I am being evaluated on whether I wear the proper clothes to work.
And on whether I show up on time:
Work habits consistent with company policy (e.g., punctuality,
attendance, break times). A self starter at the beginning of the shift.
Not sure what I say about this one, in light of the Drama of the Radio:
Excellent ability to get along with team members. Plays in active role within team. Often helps resolve conflict. Works positively to improve ongoing team development.
Here is what I can tell my boss:
I show up to work on time and get myself started once I have had some coffee and have read "Ask A Manager." I am the best-dressed person in the office - not hard to do when some people wear a yellow velour tracksuit on jeans day. But even without that, I dress sharp because I like to look nice and I feel different when I am dressed nicely.
Do you think I'll get a raise?
Thursday, September 4, 2014
In which Primo tries to convince me that because he has acquired the hobby of running for office, he should not have to do his share of the household chores
Primo: I've figured it out. When you weren't working, you vacuumed once a week. Now I am in charge of vacuuming, but I am working, so I should only do it once every two weeks.
Me: Maybe I'll wash your clothes only every two weeks.
Primo: And then there is the campaign. Remember in Teresa's election night speech? She said she didn't do a single dish or wash any clothes during the campaign?
Me: Yes. She was campaigning for a job that would double her salary. Her husband was invested. You are not going to increase your salary. You want to quit your job.
Primo: If I can quit, then I will vacuum every week. Otherwise, I think I should be expected to vacuum only 25% of the time that I am now. So really, I am exceeding expectations by doing it every two weeks.
Me: Nice try.
Me: Maybe I'll wash your clothes only every two weeks.
Primo: And then there is the campaign. Remember in Teresa's election night speech? She said she didn't do a single dish or wash any clothes during the campaign?
Me: Yes. She was campaigning for a job that would double her salary. Her husband was invested. You are not going to increase your salary. You want to quit your job.
Primo: If I can quit, then I will vacuum every week. Otherwise, I think I should be expected to vacuum only 25% of the time that I am now. So really, I am exceeding expectations by doing it every two weeks.
Me: Nice try.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
In which we find someone who can be in solidarity with Sly in his anger at my bad bacon eating and I wonder if Sly can go to therapy to deal with my bad bacon eating
I saw this on slate.com and thought of Sly immediately:
Perhaps I can send this link to him and recommend that he seek counseling for his problem with how I eat bacon. Blesshisheart.
Q. Ice Cream: My brother eats the strawberry and chocolate part of the Neapolitan ice cream and only leaves the vanilla part. He does it despite our protests. I’m devastated and have received counseling for this. Is there a civil way to stop him?
A: Your brother is dope. My grandparents used to get Neapolitan ice cream and the way you eat it is to devour the chocolate, then toss the telltale vanilla and strawberry mounds until all is even. As much as you may have needed therapy for this situation, consider that if you buy a couple of quarts of chocolate it might divert your brother from the Neapolitan. But if that doesn’t work, try to stay civil while you explore the possibility of a civil suit.
Perhaps I can send this link to him and recommend that he seek counseling for his problem with how I eat bacon. Blesshisheart.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
In which I start my new job
Here are the things I encountered on Day 1 of my new job. They are the usual things that one finds on one's first day but I did not find at my previous job with Sergio.
1. There is free coffee. (Wait - we did have that at SergioLand, but it was not very good. What is the point of having free coffee if it tastes crummy?)
2. There was a nameplate with my name on it at my workspace. At SergioLand, they had stopped making nameplates as a cost-saving device. I never did get one.
3. My phone was ready. Even though I had not merely moved from one to division to another, moving only one floor, but had never even worked at this company before.
4. My computer was ready. At SergioLand, they had a month's notice that I was coming. That I was moving from one division to another. From one floor to another. And yet, my computer was not ready when I arrived.
5. My new boss took me to lunch.
6. My new boss took me around and introduced me to everyone.
7. There was a welcome sign at reception for me.
8. There is a gym with free towels. This, however, is an unfair comparison to make to SergioLand, as SergioLand was close to a gym that I could walk to at lunch.
Most of all, at NewJob, I have a boss who is interested in having conversations about things that are not work. It will be very interesting working with someone like him instead of Sergio.
1. There is free coffee. (Wait - we did have that at SergioLand, but it was not very good. What is the point of having free coffee if it tastes crummy?)
2. There was a nameplate with my name on it at my workspace. At SergioLand, they had stopped making nameplates as a cost-saving device. I never did get one.
3. My phone was ready. Even though I had not merely moved from one to division to another, moving only one floor, but had never even worked at this company before.
4. My computer was ready. At SergioLand, they had a month's notice that I was coming. That I was moving from one division to another. From one floor to another. And yet, my computer was not ready when I arrived.
5. My new boss took me to lunch.
6. My new boss took me around and introduced me to everyone.
7. There was a welcome sign at reception for me.
8. There is a gym with free towels. This, however, is an unfair comparison to make to SergioLand, as SergioLand was close to a gym that I could walk to at lunch.
Most of all, at NewJob, I have a boss who is interested in having conversations about things that are not work. It will be very interesting working with someone like him instead of Sergio.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
In which I think I am about to be fired but am sent to my room instead
You guys, this is a really hard post to write. It's about a really humiliating experience - a very stressful experience - but it also about an experience where I may have been at fault. I want this all to be about how wronged I was, but it is possible that I was, if not 100% negligent, then contributorily negligent. (I just made that word up.)
How responsible am I for a situation where I know the proper way to act - ie, the way that won't get me in trouble - and don't do it? What if I think (ah! my opinion!) that the proper way to act is bullshit and pandering?
Well. Why don't you guys read this and then we can decide. I will try to be as impartial as possible in telling the story, but realize that I might be an unreliable narrator. However, to put this in context, four people in my nine-person office have quit. One didn't even have another job lined up - he just didn't come back one day after lunch. Two others left for lower-paying jobs.
More than a year ago, one woman had a nervous breakdown, I heard. The guy who preceded my boss apparently developed tremors and twitches that have disappeared since he was fired.
So. You know that the CEO of my company, Sergio, is not my favorite. I find him overbearing and dismissive. When he is in town, he will call meetings at the last minute and then go on for two hours, through lunch. I hate missing going to the gym and I get hungry. But even more, I hate uncertainty. I live and die by my outlook calendar. I don't understand why anyone would just randomly call a meeting. The way it works is you set a time and define an agenda and then you start at the start time and end at the end time, or earlier. You don't just grab people at 11:50 a.m. and tell them to go to the conference room and then keep them there for 90 minutes talking about - what? I'm not prepared because I didn't know there was a meeting!
So that's Sergio.
This week, Sergio and a few of the other headquarters folks were in town. Remember HQ is in Argentina. We had meetings all day, every day. On Tuesday, after we came back from lunch, everyone was just milling around and goofing off. I am a big fan of goofing off, but we were supposed to have started the afternoon session already. I wanted to get going because I didn't want the meetings to run late.
I said, "Let's get started. I want to be out of here by 5:00."
Sergio said, "It will take how long it takes."
I replied, "The meeting norms [that the team had developed! that Sergio had endorsed!] say that we are supposed to be respectful of everyone's time."
No, I should not have said that. Yes, I was stupid. Just because it's in my head does not mean it has to come out of my mouth. Proper response would have been, "Of course, Sergio. You're right. We only meet three times a year. I just want to make sure we are making the most of our time together."
Instead, I tried to use logic to address emotion and that never works.
He snapped, "We've traveled a long way and you need to respect our time. This matter is closed for further discussion."
My eyes flew open. I guess he told me. I resigned myself to getting home late. In the late afternoon, the bus runs only every 30 minutes, so a late meeting can mean that I get home much later than usual.
The next day, we spent the entire day talking about corrective action plans and how to complete a nonconformance report and other very technical things. These are issues that are very important for the audit and operations side of my company, but I am in sales and marketing and my boss is on my butt every single day asking when I am going to close some new business. He tells me almost every day that he is "tired of being beat up by Sergio and the board" and we are "not even covering our salaries," which is true.
So although the training on CA/PA and NCRs was interesting, as it gave me a better understanding of the business, I did not see how it applied to my everyday work. Hence, at the end of the day, when Sergio asked us to rate the day from one to five, with one being "I never want to do this again," after everyone else gave the day an enthusiastic four or five, I, alone, I, stupidly, gave it a two.
I know. I know.
In retrospect - heck, as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew.
Sergio does not want the truth. Sergio wants to hear that everything is great. I have seen my boss cross Sergio and have seen how Sergio excoriates anyone who crosses him. I should have known better. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Just because someone asks what I think does not mean he wants to know what I think.
I gave the meeting a two. When pressed for details, I explained that although the information gave me a better understanding of the business, I did not see how it applied to my everyday work.
I thought that was it.
I went home. Went out for a drink with my friend Dawn. At 9:00, we left the restaurant. I checked my phone. A message from my boss. Odd!
I listened to the message. "Hi GD. This is Benedict Cumberbatch." Yes, he gave me his full name. Because I know so many Benedicts that he had to qualify which one?
His voice was really nervous. He asked me to call him.
I thought he had been fired. The last time I had a voicemail like that, it was from a Good Boss who had been fired by a Really Bad Boss. RBB is still at the company and is now the company's chief financial officer. May I note that the company is a Fortune 100 company and that new CFO has never studied accounting or finance? That she was an engineering major? I fear for the company and for my pension.
I called. Ben told me that Sergio didn't want me to come to the meetings on Thursday or Friday.
Yes. I was sent to my room.
Reader, I am not four years old and Sergio is not my father.
Ben was ticked and nervous. He said that Sergio said that "everyone" noticed that I am not a "team player" and that "everyone" felt uncomfortable. He went on for 15 minutes and then told me I could call him later. I asked if I still had a job and he said he didn't know.
More context:
I had a job offer a few weeks ago. There were some things we had to negotiate - I would have had to take a pay cut and I wasn't willing to do that - and I was waiting for a revised offer letter. Yes, I did negotiate a higher salary, but I am still at only 85% of where I used to be. (And that's before bonus and stock options.)
But I didn't have the revised letter yet and what if it didn't come and I have three weeks of unused vacation and don't want to lose that and being fired would not be good.
However, it would have been nice to hear my boss say, "You and I both know Sergio is a bit of a jerk" (indeed, Ben and I have had that conversation behind closed doors more than once) "and he doesn't like being challenged. What were you thinking? Anyhow, I think he's being a jerk. But you know there is no arguing with him. Just lie low for a while." But no. No defense. Just attacks from Ben, who himself has developed if not tremors, then a great deal of fear.
Ben didn't say that. Instead, he told me to come in early so he and I could talk the next day.
I called my work friend Angelina Jolie. She was appalled and told me that I was not crazy, that it was Sergio and Ben who are crazy. She also told me that almost everyone she knows - including her - has been put on a performance improvement plan and that the company looks at PIPs as a way to manage, not as a way to fire people. That is, they go straight to DEFCON five rather than saying, "Let's work on these issues."
I got to work early. Went to Ben's office. Closed the door. Listened to me excoriate me for 20 minutes. How can I be so blah blah blah? Hasn't he warned me?
I asked when he had warned me and he mentioned a time when he and I had been complaining about Sergio. Ben told me that I was cynical and said what I thought.
Does that sound like a warning to you?
I said, "That didn't seem like a warning."
"I was trying to be diplomatic," Ben said.
Let me tell you some more about Sergio. The week before Easter, we got an email from the Argentina HQ that they would be closed on Good Friday and Easter Monday. It is already a sore point in the US office that the Argentina office gets more holidays. One of my co-workers, Regina King, emailed a response to the announcement: "Must be nice!"
Sergio fired back an email to Regina: "If you have a problem with the holidays in this office, we can certainly adjust them so they are equal by taking away some of the US holidays."
We were stunned at his vindictive response and confused as well, as the US already has fewer holidays.
Nice, huh?
So after 20 minutes of Ben beating me up and my nodding and saying, "You're right, of course," Sergio came into the office.
I stood and said, "I owe you an apology. I was rude and insensitive and should have thought before I spoke. You put a lot of work into these meetings and you didn't deserve that."
Of course, that was all BS. I mean yes, I should have thought before I spoke and should have lied, but really? I was being punished for expressing an opinion after I had been asked for one?
He said, "Well, I didn't think it fair to do anything without hearing your side of the story."
Which made me think, "Then why did you call Ben last night and tell him to tell me not to come to the meetings today? Why didn't you just pull me aside and ask, 'What's going on?'"
Indeed, BEN, if my HOSTILITY and NEGATIVITY that you cited were SO OBVIOUS to EVERYONE starting on Monday and making you look bad, then why didn't YOU pull me aside and say, "Hey! Knock it off!"
Because there was no issue.
Sergio explained how committed he and the others are to the company. "Madonna had to reschedule her grandson's baptism because of this trip to the US," he said. "She missed her father in law's funeral because of the last trip."
[I would not miss Sly's funeral for anything because I want to make sure he's dead.]
He continued. "I don't ask people to do these things. They do them because they care."
No, I thought to myself. They do them because they fear you. What kind of leader are you not to say, "You cannot miss your father in law's funeral?"
Sergio accepted my apology. Accepted when I said I was committed to doing a good job (which I always am, just because I am too prideful in my work to deliberately not do a good job) and that I would do what I needed to do to mend things with my co-workers. Told me to go to the meetings.
I went over to the meeting rooms. Found Jennifer Anniston, who had put together all the work for the day before, and told her I wanted to apologize for what I said. Jen had no idea what I was talking about. "You know, the 'two' rating," I said.
She raised her eyebrows. "That didn't bother me none," she said. "I thought your explanation made a lot of sense. I wasn't offended at all."
I found Angelina again. "I am so happy you're here!" she said. "I have been so angry since last night. Here we are talking about teambuilding and implementing quality systems but we can't be honest with each other? I haven't seen anything wrong with anything you have said or done this week!"
Then I found Brad Pitt. Brad is the guy who has made sure we have had coffee and bagels and donuts every morning and granola bars and peanut butter cups in the afternoon. I asked him if I had offended him. "Nope, not me," he said. "I'm fine. Sergio asked me on Tuesday evening about what you said about getting done by five and I told him that we all just wanted to know what the plans were so we could make plans for the evening. I don't see how what you said could be offensive except that Sergio takes everything personally."
Three down. That evening, I went for a drink with Enrique Iglesias, who works in the Argentina office and is the person I work with the most. He and Sergio are personal friends. He waved off the Sergio issue. "This is his passion," Enrique explained. "He lives and breathes this stuff. But no - no big deal. You just have to give him what he wants - you can't cross him because you will never win. He won't let you. As long as you can live with that, you're cool. If you can't, then you have to go somewhere else, because he is not going to change."
Four. Four out of the ten had not seen my egregious behavior. I didn't ask Madonna and the others because I don't know them well enough.
Thursday right before we finished, Madonna asked how many people would be going to dinner on Friday. That was the first I had heard of it. Primo and I already had plans for Friday night. I said as much.
Then I thought about Sergio's praise of Madonna for rescheduling a baptism. Going to tennis lessons with Primo was not even at baptism level.
I sighed, sent a message to Primo saying Friday night was off, and told Sergio that I had changed my plans and would be joining the group for dinner.
Did I mention that Brad had asked Sergio two weeks ago if there would be any evening activities and that Sergio had said we would discuss later?
Friday morning, I got an email with my revised offer letter. I pulled Angelina aside and showed it to her. She smiled.
We finished the meeting at 3. Sergio reminded everyone we would be eating at 7:30. My face fell. I had thought dinner would be at 5, after the meetings were supposed to be over. I shook my head. I just couldn't do it.
I remembered the revised offer letter. Told Sergio I had not realized that we would be eating that late and that I had transportation issues. He told me not to worry about it. Now that I have a place to escape to, I am not worried about it.
The End.
PS By the time you read this, I will have been in my new job for almost two months.
How responsible am I for a situation where I know the proper way to act - ie, the way that won't get me in trouble - and don't do it? What if I think (ah! my opinion!) that the proper way to act is bullshit and pandering?
Well. Why don't you guys read this and then we can decide. I will try to be as impartial as possible in telling the story, but realize that I might be an unreliable narrator. However, to put this in context, four people in my nine-person office have quit. One didn't even have another job lined up - he just didn't come back one day after lunch. Two others left for lower-paying jobs.
More than a year ago, one woman had a nervous breakdown, I heard. The guy who preceded my boss apparently developed tremors and twitches that have disappeared since he was fired.
So. You know that the CEO of my company, Sergio, is not my favorite. I find him overbearing and dismissive. When he is in town, he will call meetings at the last minute and then go on for two hours, through lunch. I hate missing going to the gym and I get hungry. But even more, I hate uncertainty. I live and die by my outlook calendar. I don't understand why anyone would just randomly call a meeting. The way it works is you set a time and define an agenda and then you start at the start time and end at the end time, or earlier. You don't just grab people at 11:50 a.m. and tell them to go to the conference room and then keep them there for 90 minutes talking about - what? I'm not prepared because I didn't know there was a meeting!
So that's Sergio.
This week, Sergio and a few of the other headquarters folks were in town. Remember HQ is in Argentina. We had meetings all day, every day. On Tuesday, after we came back from lunch, everyone was just milling around and goofing off. I am a big fan of goofing off, but we were supposed to have started the afternoon session already. I wanted to get going because I didn't want the meetings to run late.
I said, "Let's get started. I want to be out of here by 5:00."
Sergio said, "It will take how long it takes."
I replied, "The meeting norms [that the team had developed! that Sergio had endorsed!] say that we are supposed to be respectful of everyone's time."
No, I should not have said that. Yes, I was stupid. Just because it's in my head does not mean it has to come out of my mouth. Proper response would have been, "Of course, Sergio. You're right. We only meet three times a year. I just want to make sure we are making the most of our time together."
Instead, I tried to use logic to address emotion and that never works.
He snapped, "We've traveled a long way and you need to respect our time. This matter is closed for further discussion."
My eyes flew open. I guess he told me. I resigned myself to getting home late. In the late afternoon, the bus runs only every 30 minutes, so a late meeting can mean that I get home much later than usual.
The next day, we spent the entire day talking about corrective action plans and how to complete a nonconformance report and other very technical things. These are issues that are very important for the audit and operations side of my company, but I am in sales and marketing and my boss is on my butt every single day asking when I am going to close some new business. He tells me almost every day that he is "tired of being beat up by Sergio and the board" and we are "not even covering our salaries," which is true.
So although the training on CA/PA and NCRs was interesting, as it gave me a better understanding of the business, I did not see how it applied to my everyday work. Hence, at the end of the day, when Sergio asked us to rate the day from one to five, with one being "I never want to do this again," after everyone else gave the day an enthusiastic four or five, I, alone, I, stupidly, gave it a two.
I know. I know.
In retrospect - heck, as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew.
Sergio does not want the truth. Sergio wants to hear that everything is great. I have seen my boss cross Sergio and have seen how Sergio excoriates anyone who crosses him. I should have known better. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Just because someone asks what I think does not mean he wants to know what I think.
I gave the meeting a two. When pressed for details, I explained that although the information gave me a better understanding of the business, I did not see how it applied to my everyday work.
I thought that was it.
I went home. Went out for a drink with my friend Dawn. At 9:00, we left the restaurant. I checked my phone. A message from my boss. Odd!
I listened to the message. "Hi GD. This is Benedict Cumberbatch." Yes, he gave me his full name. Because I know so many Benedicts that he had to qualify which one?
His voice was really nervous. He asked me to call him.
I thought he had been fired. The last time I had a voicemail like that, it was from a Good Boss who had been fired by a Really Bad Boss. RBB is still at the company and is now the company's chief financial officer. May I note that the company is a Fortune 100 company and that new CFO has never studied accounting or finance? That she was an engineering major? I fear for the company and for my pension.
I called. Ben told me that Sergio didn't want me to come to the meetings on Thursday or Friday.
Yes. I was sent to my room.
Reader, I am not four years old and Sergio is not my father.
Ben was ticked and nervous. He said that Sergio said that "everyone" noticed that I am not a "team player" and that "everyone" felt uncomfortable. He went on for 15 minutes and then told me I could call him later. I asked if I still had a job and he said he didn't know.
More context:
I had a job offer a few weeks ago. There were some things we had to negotiate - I would have had to take a pay cut and I wasn't willing to do that - and I was waiting for a revised offer letter. Yes, I did negotiate a higher salary, but I am still at only 85% of where I used to be. (And that's before bonus and stock options.)
But I didn't have the revised letter yet and what if it didn't come and I have three weeks of unused vacation and don't want to lose that and being fired would not be good.
However, it would have been nice to hear my boss say, "You and I both know Sergio is a bit of a jerk" (indeed, Ben and I have had that conversation behind closed doors more than once) "and he doesn't like being challenged. What were you thinking? Anyhow, I think he's being a jerk. But you know there is no arguing with him. Just lie low for a while." But no. No defense. Just attacks from Ben, who himself has developed if not tremors, then a great deal of fear.
Ben didn't say that. Instead, he told me to come in early so he and I could talk the next day.
I called my work friend Angelina Jolie. She was appalled and told me that I was not crazy, that it was Sergio and Ben who are crazy. She also told me that almost everyone she knows - including her - has been put on a performance improvement plan and that the company looks at PIPs as a way to manage, not as a way to fire people. That is, they go straight to DEFCON five rather than saying, "Let's work on these issues."
I got to work early. Went to Ben's office. Closed the door. Listened to me excoriate me for 20 minutes. How can I be so blah blah blah? Hasn't he warned me?
I asked when he had warned me and he mentioned a time when he and I had been complaining about Sergio. Ben told me that I was cynical and said what I thought.
Does that sound like a warning to you?
I said, "That didn't seem like a warning."
"I was trying to be diplomatic," Ben said.
Let me tell you some more about Sergio. The week before Easter, we got an email from the Argentina HQ that they would be closed on Good Friday and Easter Monday. It is already a sore point in the US office that the Argentina office gets more holidays. One of my co-workers, Regina King, emailed a response to the announcement: "Must be nice!"
Sergio fired back an email to Regina: "If you have a problem with the holidays in this office, we can certainly adjust them so they are equal by taking away some of the US holidays."
We were stunned at his vindictive response and confused as well, as the US already has fewer holidays.
Nice, huh?
So after 20 minutes of Ben beating me up and my nodding and saying, "You're right, of course," Sergio came into the office.
I stood and said, "I owe you an apology. I was rude and insensitive and should have thought before I spoke. You put a lot of work into these meetings and you didn't deserve that."
Of course, that was all BS. I mean yes, I should have thought before I spoke and should have lied, but really? I was being punished for expressing an opinion after I had been asked for one?
He said, "Well, I didn't think it fair to do anything without hearing your side of the story."
Which made me think, "Then why did you call Ben last night and tell him to tell me not to come to the meetings today? Why didn't you just pull me aside and ask, 'What's going on?'"
Indeed, BEN, if my HOSTILITY and NEGATIVITY that you cited were SO OBVIOUS to EVERYONE starting on Monday and making you look bad, then why didn't YOU pull me aside and say, "Hey! Knock it off!"
Because there was no issue.
Sergio explained how committed he and the others are to the company. "Madonna had to reschedule her grandson's baptism because of this trip to the US," he said. "She missed her father in law's funeral because of the last trip."
[I would not miss Sly's funeral for anything because I want to make sure he's dead.]
He continued. "I don't ask people to do these things. They do them because they care."
No, I thought to myself. They do them because they fear you. What kind of leader are you not to say, "You cannot miss your father in law's funeral?"
Sergio accepted my apology. Accepted when I said I was committed to doing a good job (which I always am, just because I am too prideful in my work to deliberately not do a good job) and that I would do what I needed to do to mend things with my co-workers. Told me to go to the meetings.
I went over to the meeting rooms. Found Jennifer Anniston, who had put together all the work for the day before, and told her I wanted to apologize for what I said. Jen had no idea what I was talking about. "You know, the 'two' rating," I said.
She raised her eyebrows. "That didn't bother me none," she said. "I thought your explanation made a lot of sense. I wasn't offended at all."
I found Angelina again. "I am so happy you're here!" she said. "I have been so angry since last night. Here we are talking about teambuilding and implementing quality systems but we can't be honest with each other? I haven't seen anything wrong with anything you have said or done this week!"
Then I found Brad Pitt. Brad is the guy who has made sure we have had coffee and bagels and donuts every morning and granola bars and peanut butter cups in the afternoon. I asked him if I had offended him. "Nope, not me," he said. "I'm fine. Sergio asked me on Tuesday evening about what you said about getting done by five and I told him that we all just wanted to know what the plans were so we could make plans for the evening. I don't see how what you said could be offensive except that Sergio takes everything personally."
Three down. That evening, I went for a drink with Enrique Iglesias, who works in the Argentina office and is the person I work with the most. He and Sergio are personal friends. He waved off the Sergio issue. "This is his passion," Enrique explained. "He lives and breathes this stuff. But no - no big deal. You just have to give him what he wants - you can't cross him because you will never win. He won't let you. As long as you can live with that, you're cool. If you can't, then you have to go somewhere else, because he is not going to change."
Four. Four out of the ten had not seen my egregious behavior. I didn't ask Madonna and the others because I don't know them well enough.
Thursday right before we finished, Madonna asked how many people would be going to dinner on Friday. That was the first I had heard of it. Primo and I already had plans for Friday night. I said as much.
Then I thought about Sergio's praise of Madonna for rescheduling a baptism. Going to tennis lessons with Primo was not even at baptism level.
I sighed, sent a message to Primo saying Friday night was off, and told Sergio that I had changed my plans and would be joining the group for dinner.
Did I mention that Brad had asked Sergio two weeks ago if there would be any evening activities and that Sergio had said we would discuss later?
Friday morning, I got an email with my revised offer letter. I pulled Angelina aside and showed it to her. She smiled.
We finished the meeting at 3. Sergio reminded everyone we would be eating at 7:30. My face fell. I had thought dinner would be at 5, after the meetings were supposed to be over. I shook my head. I just couldn't do it.
I remembered the revised offer letter. Told Sergio I had not realized that we would be eating that late and that I had transportation issues. He told me not to worry about it. Now that I have a place to escape to, I am not worried about it.
The End.
PS By the time you read this, I will have been in my new job for almost two months.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
In which Doris tells Primo that I don't need to "prove" myself by riding my bike to work
Primo had his weekly call with Sly and Doris today. He has to call before 4:00 because they start drinking at 4:00 and
1. do not answer the phone
2. are too drunk to remember they have spoken to Primo so he doesn't get any credit for the call
But he called at 2:00 and they told him they were busy watching tennis and would have to call him later.
I guess it doesn't matter that Primo might not be able to talk later.
They called him back, eventually, as Primo was ironing his shirts.
No, he is not asking me to iron any more.
Which is a smart move, because I am not inclined to be too supportive with the ironing these days.
Have I mentioned how much I hate politics? And how I never ever ever wanted to be a political spouse?
I really do think there should be an escape clause in wedding vows that you get a do-over if your spouse suddenly decides to make a huge midlife change to get into politics.
Primo told them he was busy - about to go to a campaign event - which you would think they would support as their entire life is politics and talking about how Old White Men are Ruining Things. I guess they have not noticed that Sly is an Old White Man.
But he spoke to them for a few minutes. Told them about my new job and that I am riding my bike to work.
I am riding my bike to work because
1. The bus does not go to the new office
2. I hate driving
3. I want to forestall any discussion of buying another car
4. It's good exercise and by God, I want to be in shape just once before I die.
Doris told Primo that it is not "necessary" for me to "prove myself" by riding a bike to work.
I asked Primo what she thinks I am trying to prove and to whom but he had no idea.
Should I mention this to her in my next letter to her?
1. do not answer the phone
2. are too drunk to remember they have spoken to Primo so he doesn't get any credit for the call
But he called at 2:00 and they told him they were busy watching tennis and would have to call him later.
I guess it doesn't matter that Primo might not be able to talk later.
They called him back, eventually, as Primo was ironing his shirts.
No, he is not asking me to iron any more.
Which is a smart move, because I am not inclined to be too supportive with the ironing these days.
Have I mentioned how much I hate politics? And how I never ever ever wanted to be a political spouse?
I really do think there should be an escape clause in wedding vows that you get a do-over if your spouse suddenly decides to make a huge midlife change to get into politics.
Primo told them he was busy - about to go to a campaign event - which you would think they would support as their entire life is politics and talking about how Old White Men are Ruining Things. I guess they have not noticed that Sly is an Old White Man.
But he spoke to them for a few minutes. Told them about my new job and that I am riding my bike to work.
I am riding my bike to work because
1. The bus does not go to the new office
2. I hate driving
3. I want to forestall any discussion of buying another car
4. It's good exercise and by God, I want to be in shape just once before I die.
Doris told Primo that it is not "necessary" for me to "prove myself" by riding a bike to work.
I asked Primo what she thinks I am trying to prove and to whom but he had no idea.
Should I mention this to her in my next letter to her?
Thursday, August 14, 2014
In which we have a teambuilding exercise only nobody trusts the feedback not to get back to the CEO so we all lie by omission
Dear Managers of [my company]
I look forward to facilitating your team development session.
We are beginning the meetings with a focus on team and relationship, because everything
depends on the capacity of leaders to be aware of their strengths and blind spots and to recognize, engage and support the strengths of colleagues as well as direct reports.
While some of you have been with the team for quite some time, others are new to the scene!
Regardless of your experience with this team, I would appreciate your response to the following questions:
1) What is working well?
Respect? Communication? Trust? Energy? Innovation?
2) What opportunities do we have to strengthen our working relationships with one another to advance the mission of the business? What are the barriers?
3) What are you willing to contribute to the success of our time together?
4) What is one thing that you think I should know about you, your team, [the CEO], etc?
5) What excites you about your work?
Anything else?
Please feel free to respond to this e-mail and include your responses in the body of the message.
Thank you in advance for your thoughtful consideration. Be assured that your responses will be kept in confidence. Should there be themes that emerge (ex: communication is challenging …) I will offer the themes for our consideration during our time together.
I will see you soon!
Best Regards,
Judi Dench
That's the email that came to me and my co-workers the week before the management meeting.
My boss came into my office and confirmed what I had thought: that over my dead body would I give honest feedback to the facilitator.
I spoke to my colleagues Jennifer Anniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Regina King. "Are you going to give honest feedback to Judi?" I asked.
They laughed. Hahahahahahahahahaha!
No.
No, they had no intention of telling the truth, ie, that the CEO is a little bit jerky and we are all scared of him and he says he wants honest feedback but then when you give it to him, he gets angry.
"If we could give honest feedback," Brad said, "we would not need this teambuilding meeting."
He speaks the truth.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
In which Sergio the CEO of my company announces a new open-plan office where nobody but him gets an office
You guys, I hope by the time you read this, I will be in a new job. I have been looking. Lord have mercy, I have been looking. But looking for a job is very time consuming and exhausting and then the interviewing is a pain in the neck and you have to either take time off or make up appointments, which I don't really mind doing because there are many times when I am on the phone late in the day with Asia and you know, the hours should balance out.
There are three things I like about my job right now:
1. I can take the bus to work, which means that Primo and I can get by on one car.
2. I can go to the gym at lunch.
3. I have a window office with a really nice view.
Today, the CEO, Sergio, who is here from BA for the week while we prepare for a board meeting, announced that the office is going to be renovated.
We are going to an open plan, he said.
I know open plan makes people nervous, but it will be OK.
All the offices will be converted to meeting rooms.
Those of us in offices will move to modules within the open plan. My boss, who is a director, will lose his office.
His office will not be converted to a meeting room. His office will become Sergio's office for Sergio to use the four times a year he is in the U.S.
The rest of us -- all of us -- will be in an open area. This area will Facilitate Communication and Improve Processes and Make Us Better People.
I suggested that it might be noisy.
Oh, no. There will be white noise.
There will be TVs in the conference and break rooms. You know - because being able to watch TV while I am at work is so important.
There will be expensive renovations.
There might not be raises.
The money has to come from somewhere.
There are three things I like about my job right now:
1. I can take the bus to work, which means that Primo and I can get by on one car.
2. I can go to the gym at lunch.
3. I have a window office with a really nice view.
Today, the CEO, Sergio, who is here from BA for the week while we prepare for a board meeting, announced that the office is going to be renovated.
We are going to an open plan, he said.
I know open plan makes people nervous, but it will be OK.
All the offices will be converted to meeting rooms.
Those of us in offices will move to modules within the open plan. My boss, who is a director, will lose his office.
His office will not be converted to a meeting room. His office will become Sergio's office for Sergio to use the four times a year he is in the U.S.
The rest of us -- all of us -- will be in an open area. This area will Facilitate Communication and Improve Processes and Make Us Better People.
I suggested that it might be noisy.
Oh, no. There will be white noise.
There will be TVs in the conference and break rooms. You know - because being able to watch TV while I am at work is so important.
There will be expensive renovations.
There might not be raises.
The money has to come from somewhere.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
In which I find out my readers are scary smart
You guys, I have the nicest, smartest readers in the world. A few of you have already warned me when you have come across identifying details about Primo and where we live. One of you today - hello Erik from Ask a Manager! - figured out exactly who Primo is.
I am not as sneaky as I thought I was and you guys are smart.
Although I don't think what I write about Primo's campaign could be damaging - those who are in the know know that he is not going to win, even if the incumbent were to be caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl, I wouldn't want to embarrass him or anyone on his campaign team.
Still, I am torn. Can you imagine what it would do for my readership for this blog to be exposed? What if I could get a book deal out of it? Primo says I should re-name the blog "The Candidate's Wife." If someone wanted to pay me big bucks to write about a campaign from the spouse's POV - the spouse who does not want to be in the political world and the spouse who does not agree with the candidate on all the issues, then I would happily take the money and run.
I would also happily take the money to write a book about Sly and Doris. Indeed, I already have, although I had to have a fictional somewhat happy ending because who wants to read a book about the reality of mean inlaws? We want redemption or the possibility of redemption in what we read. I do, anyhow.
But there is no scandal in Primo's campaign, alas. No sex. No bribery. No prostitutes. No texted photos of naughty bits. No lavish parties. No gifts from donors. (There have to be donors.) I would like some lavish gifts. I want a new purse. This one. (It's even made in the US!)
Where is that guy who was so good to the governor of Virginia? Tell him to call me. We could use a new car, too. We have two cars, but one of them is a '65 Corvair that I have no interest in driving and that can't leave the garage when it is raining.
No pregnant volunteers and no lying about who the daddy is. I don't have cancer. Neither of us get $400 haircuts. We both go to Carol and she charges $21. We tip $5 and give a bigger Christmas tip. Plus she is our friend.
Dang. I realize that we are doing this all wrong. If I want a book deal, I have to write about something more interesting than the fact that Primo copy-edits what his social media coordinator posts on facebook.
I decided it is not prudent to post about the campaign before the election. After the election, nobody will care. I will post then. I might have some innocuous posts before November. If I mess up and leave in the name of the district or a coffeeshop that is found only in this city, please let me know! I appreciate you all looking out for me.
xoxoxo,
GD
I am not as sneaky as I thought I was and you guys are smart.
Although I don't think what I write about Primo's campaign could be damaging - those who are in the know know that he is not going to win, even if the incumbent were to be caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl, I wouldn't want to embarrass him or anyone on his campaign team.
Still, I am torn. Can you imagine what it would do for my readership for this blog to be exposed? What if I could get a book deal out of it? Primo says I should re-name the blog "The Candidate's Wife." If someone wanted to pay me big bucks to write about a campaign from the spouse's POV - the spouse who does not want to be in the political world and the spouse who does not agree with the candidate on all the issues, then I would happily take the money and run.
I would also happily take the money to write a book about Sly and Doris. Indeed, I already have, although I had to have a fictional somewhat happy ending because who wants to read a book about the reality of mean inlaws? We want redemption or the possibility of redemption in what we read. I do, anyhow.
But there is no scandal in Primo's campaign, alas. No sex. No bribery. No prostitutes. No texted photos of naughty bits. No lavish parties. No gifts from donors. (There have to be donors.) I would like some lavish gifts. I want a new purse. This one. (It's even made in the US!)
Where is that guy who was so good to the governor of Virginia? Tell him to call me. We could use a new car, too. We have two cars, but one of them is a '65 Corvair that I have no interest in driving and that can't leave the garage when it is raining.
No pregnant volunteers and no lying about who the daddy is. I don't have cancer. Neither of us get $400 haircuts. We both go to Carol and she charges $21. We tip $5 and give a bigger Christmas tip. Plus she is our friend.
Dang. I realize that we are doing this all wrong. If I want a book deal, I have to write about something more interesting than the fact that Primo copy-edits what his social media coordinator posts on facebook.
I decided it is not prudent to post about the campaign before the election. After the election, nobody will care. I will post then. I might have some innocuous posts before November. If I mess up and leave in the name of the district or a coffeeshop that is found only in this city, please let me know! I appreciate you all looking out for me.
xoxoxo,
GD
Thursday, July 24, 2014
In which Ted, Primo's half brother, demands that Primo drop everything to do Ted a favor
Last night, Primo came home from a four day business trip. He leaves again today for a week. Today is Saturday. Yes, I posted this on a Thursday, but I write these things as they happen.
So he came home after being gone for four days. I don't know what business travel is like for you guys, but I think for most of us now it means spending all day at the customer site or the conference and then spending several hours in the evening answering email because hey the world doesn't stop just because you are doing something else during the work day and if we don't take care of the customer, someone else will.
So Primo spends all day with the customer and then spends hours answering email from co-workers and other customers and trying to keep everyone happy and every now and then sending me a facebook message that he wants to quit his job and become a revolutionary, to which I say, Don't we all?
So he was gone for four days. Gets home at 8 p.m. Friday. His flight today leaves at noon. No, he is still not ready even though he needs to leave for the airport ten minutes ago.
I did not realize that part of marriage would be Sucking Up Your Partner's Stress. But it is. I guess.
Is there any stress worse (outside of watching someone you love suffer from an illness) than stress you watch that the other person imposes on himself? As in, Primo has to catch a plane. He has to pack and take a shower and doesn't have a lot of time.
So he does the dishes. And scoops the kitty litter.
Neither of those tasks are on the critical path. Both are tasks that can easily be delegated. Both are tasks I can and I will do.
But rather than focus on packing and showering, he does the dishes.
Because I did not do them, he tells me.
I said that I would have done them eventually and it is not necessary for the dishes to be done by 10:00 a.m. and could he just chill and do what he needs to do?
I cannot shower for him. I cannot pack for him. (I don't fold things right. Oh, how sad I am that he would rather I not fold his shirts.)
I can, however, do dishes and scoop the cat box.
Primo is easily distracted. Squirrel!
So. Back to Ted the Jerk.
He came downstairs last night after checking his email and said that his half brother Ted, the one who told me I was f-ing stupid for not thinking that Ted Kennedy was the most amazing wonderful person evah after I pointed out that Kennedy left a woman to drown in his car after he drove the car off a bridge and used his political influence to escape the consequences that would have befallen a normal person.
Ted and I do not get along.
He is his father's son.
How did Primo turn out so well, one asks?
I don't know but I'm glad he did. Still, I wish that he were an orphan. Our lives would be a lot easier.
Ted had emailed Primo, Sly, and Doris, asking them to review the 90-minute rough cut of his latest documentary.
Sly and Doris wrote back to Ted and told him they had watched it and would send him some notes this weekend.
Ted wrote back and said that this weekend would be too late.
Primo wrote and said that he would not have a chance to watch the movie and give feedback for a few weeks, as he was very busy.
Ted replied that if Primo wants to be in [Primo's business], he can do what you want. If he wants to be in politics, he has to adjust his schedule.
I should not be surprised that Ted is being a jerk. It's who he is.
Update:
Primo has more information. Turns out that the person who is funding the production of Ted's film is considering pulling the money. Ted wanted to give her some positive feedback about the film. So his solution was to have his father, stepmother, and half brother review it.
I won't even bother to comment on this.
So he came home after being gone for four days. I don't know what business travel is like for you guys, but I think for most of us now it means spending all day at the customer site or the conference and then spending several hours in the evening answering email because hey the world doesn't stop just because you are doing something else during the work day and if we don't take care of the customer, someone else will.
So Primo spends all day with the customer and then spends hours answering email from co-workers and other customers and trying to keep everyone happy and every now and then sending me a facebook message that he wants to quit his job and become a revolutionary, to which I say, Don't we all?
So he was gone for four days. Gets home at 8 p.m. Friday. His flight today leaves at noon. No, he is still not ready even though he needs to leave for the airport ten minutes ago.
I did not realize that part of marriage would be Sucking Up Your Partner's Stress. But it is. I guess.
Is there any stress worse (outside of watching someone you love suffer from an illness) than stress you watch that the other person imposes on himself? As in, Primo has to catch a plane. He has to pack and take a shower and doesn't have a lot of time.
So he does the dishes. And scoops the kitty litter.
Neither of those tasks are on the critical path. Both are tasks that can easily be delegated. Both are tasks I can and I will do.
But rather than focus on packing and showering, he does the dishes.
Because I did not do them, he tells me.
I said that I would have done them eventually and it is not necessary for the dishes to be done by 10:00 a.m. and could he just chill and do what he needs to do?
I cannot shower for him. I cannot pack for him. (I don't fold things right. Oh, how sad I am that he would rather I not fold his shirts.)
I can, however, do dishes and scoop the cat box.
Primo is easily distracted. Squirrel!
So. Back to Ted the Jerk.
He came downstairs last night after checking his email and said that his half brother Ted, the one who told me I was f-ing stupid for not thinking that Ted Kennedy was the most amazing wonderful person evah after I pointed out that Kennedy left a woman to drown in his car after he drove the car off a bridge and used his political influence to escape the consequences that would have befallen a normal person.
Ted and I do not get along.
He is his father's son.
How did Primo turn out so well, one asks?
I don't know but I'm glad he did. Still, I wish that he were an orphan. Our lives would be a lot easier.
Ted had emailed Primo, Sly, and Doris, asking them to review the 90-minute rough cut of his latest documentary.
Sly and Doris wrote back to Ted and told him they had watched it and would send him some notes this weekend.
Ted wrote back and said that this weekend would be too late.
Primo wrote and said that he would not have a chance to watch the movie and give feedback for a few weeks, as he was very busy.
Ted replied that if Primo wants to be in [Primo's business], he can do what you want. If he wants to be in politics, he has to adjust his schedule.
I should not be surprised that Ted is being a jerk. It's who he is.
Update:
Primo has more information. Turns out that the person who is funding the production of Ted's film is considering pulling the money. Ted wanted to give her some positive feedback about the film. So his solution was to have his father, stepmother, and half brother review it.
I won't even bother to comment on this.
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