In which Primo fumes about Ted insisting he needs to check Primo's math

Primo: I'm really mad at Ted.

Me: He's a jerk.

Primo: "I need to check your math."

Me: Because you are either stupid or dishonest.

Primo: Probably stupid.

Me: That's what everyone says about you.

In which Primo answers Ted's email far more graciously than Ted deserves, given the not so subtle insults Ted made, and tells me that if Ted even tries to get two of the other nieces and nephew to request as audit as allowed by the trust documents, he will never talk to Ted again, not that I want him to anyhow

Primo wrote,

Ted,

Yes, funds are forthcoming and you should have checks for the agreed-upon amount by the end of this month, as previously mentioned.

What math do you need to check? I have been through the spreadsheet (attached) that we've used to track Ted'sSon's education expenses -- as well as the documentation you provided -- more than once, and after you receive checks for the "remaining balance" there will be no amount outstanding. Please let me know if you see any mistakes or have additional expenses to submit.

(And then boring stuff about taxes and medical bills)

Me, after reading Primo's email: Wow. You are a lot nicer than I would have been.

Primo: For now.

Me: He is such a jerk. And he has no legal right to know what's in the big trust!

Primo: Nope. I haven't moved any money out of my parents' trust into the kids's trusts yet. There are still some medical bills and some tax stuff. I can't shut that trust down yet.

Me: I guess he could see TedsSon's trust once that's set up because even though TedsSon is 21, Ted is his legal guardian.

Primo: Yes, I think so. But for my parents' trust, three of the four beneficiaries have to demand an accounting.

Me: Which Stephanie and Jack's kids aren't going to do.

Primo: If Ted tries to get them to demand an accounting, I will never talk to him again. I will tell him that our relationship is dead, that any request for disbursement needs to come via certified mail, and that I will be resigning as trustee and he will have to deal with [the lawyer] whom he calls "a junior varsity lawyer."

Me: I don't want you to talk to him again, anyhow.

Primo: I know.

In which Ted emails Primo to remind him that the end of June is almost here and where is his money and oh, by the way, Primo, you are either stupid or dishonest

From Ted:

From: ted@icloud.com
Subject: checking in on timetables
Date: Sun, 26 Jun 2016 22:34:55 +0100
CC: tedswife@gmail.com; jack@icloud.com
To: primo@hotmail.com 

Hey Primo, How you doing on estate stuff? You wrote that before July funds were forthcoming. 

Today is TedsSon's 21st birthday. 

I’m leaving London tomorrow after 2 extraordinarily difficult weeks of nonstop 17-hour days. Getting too old for that shit, especially managing entitled “millennial” know-littles. Brexit is a goat-fuck in the making. Odd time to be here. 

Let me know if you might have some time to discuss estate check writing timetables; also, I need to check your math. Hope you and Goldy are well.

cheers




Translations  in line:

Hey Primo,
 
How you doing on estate stuff? You wrote that before July funds were forthcoming. 

Hey! You said I would have MONEY before the end of June! It's almost the end of June! Where is my money? Where is my money? I am middle aged with an excellent education. We don't eat leftovers. We shop at Dean and Delucca. I am remodeling my house. I HAVE TO STEAL FROM MY MENTALLY-DISABLED SON'S TRUST TO MAINTAIN MY LIFESTYLE! Sure, I could get a 9 to 5 job, but that's for little people. Not for me. Give me some money. Lots of it. Lots and lots of it.

Today is TedsSon's 21st birthday. 

Send him some money. 

I’m leaving London tomorrow after 2 extraordinarily difficult weeks of nonstop 17-hour days. Getting too old for that shit, especially managing entitled “millennial” know-littles. 

Can you believe how horrible it is to deal with entitled people? They are soooo annoying! I suffer so much. Send me some money.

Brexit is a goat-fuck in the making. Odd time to be here.

I am a classy know it all.
 
Let me know if you might have some time to discuss estate check writing timetables; 

When are you going to send me some money? I want more money. Send it. Now. And if you won't send it, perhaps you will yield to the implicit threat of a phone call from me. I WANT THAT MONEY. IT'S MINE. MINEMINEMINE.

also, I need to check your math.

1. You are stupid. Sure, you graduated from a top university at 19 Phi Beta Kappa and summa with a degree in electrical engineering. I guess you might have had to take some math classes. But clearly I, with my liberal arts degree, am better at math than you are.

or

2. You are dishonest. OK, you can do math. But if I were you, I would be stealing from the trust, so I am sure you must be doing the same things.
 
Hope you and Goldy are well.

When are you going to send me some money?

cheers

Send me some money.

In which I remember that I have not told you that Keith's awful former tenant, whom I would name here so her future landlords could google her, but I won't because not because I fear her finding me - the truth is absolute defense, right? - but because I do not want to identify myself, even though several of my brilliant readers have already figured out who I am IRL, which is fine as long as they use their power for good, cashed the check for the partial deposit so we may be done with her

Keith packaged the returned mail, not opening the envelope, and we wrote a letter to include with the new package, certified mail with return receipt.

Dear Ms Tenant,

I am once again sending you your deposit letter and the balance of your deposit. As you can see, the original letter was mailed on May 20 to the address you gave me,

Tenant's friend/Tenant

Street

City

That letter was returned to me today with a note from the addressee indicating “Wrong address?” and a “return to sender” notice from the Post Office.

I am re-sending the letter to you at the address you indicated in your recent emails with delivery confirmation.

Sincerely,

  

Keith 

He got it back on Monday. We prepared everything Monday night and he took it to the post office on Tuesday.

On Thursday, she was emailing him that SHE STILL DID NOT HAVE THE DEPOSIT AND WHERE IS HER MONEY?

He called me, worried.

"Panic not," I said. "You have proof. She will get it. The post office delivers the mail."

We decided he would not email her at all.

"I'm tired of dealing with her," he said. "I don't even want to talk to her."

Can't say I blame him. She has been nothing but nasty to him.

"Just wait," I said.

On Monday, he called me.

"I checked with the bank," he said. "She cashed the check."

She cashed the check! She cashed the check! The law is not totally clear on this, but it says that if the tenant cashes a partial deposit check, she may lose the right to sue for the balance.

It's been two weeks now - I think - since she cashed the check - and she has not sent any nasty emails to Keith or called him or dropped any letters off at his house.

Maybe we are done?

I hope?

I want the good guy to win for once.

In which Primo and I debate getting rid of a book about Simplifying Your Life and I point out to Primo that considering the book has been sitting on the shelf for eight years without being opened that perhaps keeping it is not the right thing to do

Primo: But I might read it!

Me: Sure. Because you have felt compelled to do so in the past eight years since we moved into the house?

Primo: It could happen.

Me: Right.

Primo: It could! And don't you think I need to simply my life?

Me: Yes. And I think you start by putting that book in the library box.


Related - tonight, while he is making supper -marinating the venison that our friend Brian gave to us.

Primo: Hey! Where's that chili sauce I used to use for marinating meat?

Me: I think I threw it away.

Primo: You didn't consult me!

Me: We moved it from your apartment to the house eight years ago.

Primo: So?

Me: It was OPENED when we moved.

Primo: I thought you said that kind of thing doesn't go bad.

Me: Yes! Before it is opened! But I don't think it's a good idea to eat food that has been opened for over eight years, do you?

Primo: No, I guess not. You're right.

In which Primo suggests that I help him get rid of books and claims that he is really committed to the project, as he already boxed up a bunch of materials from the place he quit working at over 18 months ago and although he is not prepared to throw the box away, he is willing to move the box from his office to the basement

Primo had suggested I help him and I told him no, he could go through his books just fine on his own and make decisions. 

He said he wanted help.

I said he didn't need it and that I had no interest in watching him work - that I had plans of my own for the evening.

Oh! Let me ask you something.

If your husband tells you that he will be gone all evening at not one but two political events and that he will not be home before you go to bed because after the political events, he plans to go out to karaoke, and you make your plans to get cozy with your stack of library books and then he comes home at 8:00 p.m. because he "stayed too long at the first political event and there was not enough time to drive the 90 minutes to attend the second one" and he has stuff to do at home anyhow, does that mean you are obligated to change your plans? 

That you are obligated to surrender your evening of what you had planned to be blissful solitude to have some Togetherness with your husband?

I don't think so. I don't think so at all.

So I was not happy at the idea of helping Primo get rid of books, although of course I totally support the idea in principle. I just wanted him to do it by himself.

Me: Why don't you go upstairs and get started? Pull the books you are sure you don't want and then, after you have made a first pass, I will come up.

Primo: No! I need you to help me!

Me: Why? Either you want a book or you don't.

Primo: You know I don't make decisions like that!

Me: Then how do you make them?

Primo: I need to pull out each book, one at a time. Then we will talk about whether I want it and about whether you want it and then about whether we should keep it.

Me: That does not sound very efficient.

This photo is a little shaky because Primo was all "Wooo!" because I was you know, standing by HIS STUFF and maybe TOUCHING IT. He got all panicky and I got annoyed. I took it after we spent 30 minutes pulling out books and tossing them in the "To Donate" pile. Thirty minutes of culling and yet it is still almost full.

This photo is better because it was in the hall and it's harder to touch his stuff from the hall.

Deep breath. Baby steps. Baby steps.

(And any time I get frustrated with having an unemployed, running for office husband, I remind myself that he is an unemployed, running for office husband whose parents no longer complain about how I eat bacon every Sunday afternoon.)

In which Primo and I argue about what constitutes Giving Back

Primo: This guy is just retiring and is running for office. His wife is not happy.

Me: Yeah. I can see that.

Primo: Their kids live in [the capitol city] and she drives there a lot to babysit. She wants to move there.

Me: To be a free babysitter?

[I have no children and my bonus grandchildren are halfway across the country, so I clearly don't Get It.]

Primo: He said no - that the community had always been good to him and it was time for him to give back.

Me: So what's he going to do?

Primo: Run for office!

Me: Running for office is not giving back!

Primo: Yes it is!

Me: No! It is not!

Primo: Yes it is!

Me: No! Running for office is an attempt to impose your worldview on others - which is fine! You are allowed to do that! But there is no noble personal sacrifice in running for office. It is not giving back. Giving back is volunteering for Habitat for Humanity or coaching a Little League team or tutoring little kids in reading. Those are all totally non-partisan and require a sacrifice. Running for office is about power.

Primo: For your side.

In which Primo asks me if I will help him get rid of stuff and I worry that the Pod People have overtaken his body and he will need an exorcism

For Jake's Mom, who knows how it ends :)

In which the IRS tells Primo he has to file returns for the campaign account for the years he didn't run

But then they say, "But if there was no income in that time, you do not have to file a return."

OK, IRS. Thank you for your consistency.

In which Primo goes back to the woman who gave him the check for one hundred dollars

And she opens the door.

And hands him the check.

Someone had found it blowing around on the street.

And had taken it back to her house.

I love my neighbors.

In which a woman writes Primo a one hundred dollar check but he loses it

Primo was so excited when he came back from doing doors yesterday.

"This woman was so excited that I'm running that she wrote me a check!" he said. "A hundred dollars!"

That actually is very cool. For someone to give that much money and to give it without even being asked - that is rare in our experience. I don't think there were many contributions that big from people Primo did not know in his first campaign. This is actually a big, big deal.

This morning, he couldn't find the check. And couldn't find the check. And couldn't find the check.

He was panicking. As he does. Primo is a panicker.

I tried to detach myself from his palpable panic because it does me no good to get sucked into the panic, but I was working from home, sitting at the kitchen table, well within range of his panic.

He couldn't find it. He went out and retraced his steps and still could not find it.

"I clipped it onto my clipboard but it must have fallen out of the contribution envelope," he said, shoulders slumped. "Now it's probably blowing around loose out there. What if someone gets her banking information? What if someone tries to cash it? I have to tell her."

I nodded. "You do."

He sighed. "I have to tell her that I will pay the 'stop payment' fee. I don't want to."

My evil marketing mind jumped on it. "Yes. You do. First of all, because it is the right thing to do. But can you imagine the good PR you would get out of this? All her friends she is going to tell about you? 'This guy came back and told me that he had lost the check  but then gave me $40 to cover the stop payment fee! This is the kind of integrity I want in an elected official!'"

In which Primo decides He Knows Best but I think we are going to hoist him on his own petard

I was at a work dinner last night with a bunch of engineers and the topic of the proper direction for the toilet paper came up, as it does.

There was some argument, as there is.

I told the story of Primo being at his friends Tom and Kathy's house and thinking that he should change their toilet paper for them because they were Doing It Wrong and my co-workers shook their heads, agreeing universally that it is Not Done to change the toilet paper in someone else's home. Just Not Done.

Which is when I had the brilliant idea of having Tom change the toilet paper in our house when he comes to visit next month.

Primo. Will. Flip.

Tom is all in.

And the sincere guy sucks up more of Primo's time but really, Primo does need to learn to deal with this kind of thing

Primo is not good at gently extricating himself from conversation. He is a polite person and he doesn't want to be rude, which is fine, but one must learn to get out of unwanted conversations.

Anyhow, the guy who called talked for a while. He is the guy who in the first campaign wanted, a week before the election, to completely re-design Primo's campaign strategy.

All I wanted him to do was to deliver yard signs.

Which, eventually, he did, but only after I had a few, "Yes, we would love your input but right now, the most important thing that we can do for the campaign is to make sure there are yard signs up in the yards of all the people who said they would take them. It would be an enormous help for Primo if you could deliver a few."

This time, the Nice Sincere Neighbor wanted to know if Primo knew about this guy who had switched from Party Stripe to Party Polka Dots. He lives in the next county over and NSN doesn't know his name, but he is sure that if Primo could meet this guy, this guy would be able to help Primo with his campaign strategy.

Well. That was a useful phone call.

In which the letter is returned from the address Former Tenant gave Keith because apparently, she is unknown to the people who live there

SLAM! Keith and I WIN!

Former Tenant had given Keith an address for someone who Keith thought was maybe FT's mother.

But whoever it was - he addressed it

Former Tenant/Former Tenant's Friend

appears not to know FT.

Someone wrote "Wrong address?" on front of the envelope and returned the letter.

Keith got it today.

He sent it to the address that FT left with him

We wrote a very cordial letter to include with the unopened returned letter explaining that he had mailed the original on May 20, as was clear from the postmark, but it had been returned to him today as the people at that address appeared not to know who FT is.

Oh we are laughing.

FT has made poor Keith's life so stressful and it was all her fault.

He is going to the post office tomorrow to send a

1. flat-rate priority mail envelope
2. certified
3. with return receipt

 Quod erat demonstrandum.