Sunday, February 14, 2016
In which Primo finds - surprise! - more boxes of empty booze bottles, even though he has already spent two months cleaning the house and has had a garage sale
Primo: I'm cleaning out the garage. I found a box of junk that the junk people didn't get. It had receipts for big purchases of booze. Like four or five big bottles at a time. No wonder they had health problems.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
In which Primo is stuck in Florida again
I think you guys have figured out that Primo is gone again. Poor guy. How many trips is this? His dad died in July. We went on vacation - hey - Primo deserved a break - and then we both went to Florida for the funeral in early August. I came home, Primo stayed another week.
He came home for a week, left again. Then home for two weeks. Back to FL early Sept for a week. Home for two weeks, then gone again. He gets home this week after being gone for nine days and will go back to FL end of October for another week.
This after spending almost all of his time in Florida since mid April.
The times he has been home have not been relaxing. He has still had to deal with Ted. You guys know that's no picnic. He has also had a backlog of home chores to do. Not the everyday stuff we had planned that he would do with his year off - I am doing those things because I want his time at home to be as restful as possible, but other things that he is in charge of and does not want to yield (because he is an engineer and a total control freak), like getting the car inspected and cutting the grass and changing the air filter, etc.
He is at the house in Florida, trying to get rid of stuff so he can put it up for sale. He called me this morning to tell me that Stephanie and the girls had come over to help him with some stuff.
"We went through the cupboards and the fridge and got rid of everything. They took a lot of food home and I threw away the rest. Then I had them go through my mom's jewelry and take whatever they want," he said. "I am going to mail what's left to Ted'sWife."
"She will complain that you are hiding the Good Bracelet from her," I said.
"I don't care. I am tired of dealing with her. And with Ted. You know how facebook does that timehop thing? Two years ago this weekend was when Ted and I came to Florida for my dad's 80th birthday. I am seeing all the things that Ted posted. He is such a jerk."
"Like what?"
"Oh, stuff about how I needed to relax - it was time for the professionals to take over."
"To take over - celebrating your father's birthday?"
He sighed. "I know. It's just what he does. He always has to be the big shot. I want to ask him, 'If you are so connected and know so many important people in Washington, why don't you have a job?' Maybe someone could hire him to be a professional asshole."
"He's qualified, for sure," I said.
"I talked to the accountant on Friday. He said not to even set the trusts up until after the new year. Otherwise, I will have to do tax returns on them for 2015."
"That's good advice."
"Ted is going to hate it."
"Ted is going to blow a gasket. He already thinks you are taking too long to give him all the money."
"Whatever. I don't care any more. The trust is not about him, anyhow. It's supposed to be for Ted'sSon."
Then we decided he would not bring Doris' silver home - that we would just keep his grandparents' silver plate - which we have never used once in seven years of marriage because I am not going to polish silver - and that the cat would stay with the neighbor.
Good decisions.
And then we had to hang up because the guy who said he wanted to buy the car - Primo was giving him 25% under blue book just to sell the darn thing before Monday, when the registration expired - finally showed up. Primo was really annoyed because the guy was late. I had to remind Primo that he thinks it's OK for him to be late.
And then I took Doris' t-shirt - the one Primo brought for me because he thought I might like to wear his dead mother's t-shirt - out of the dresser in our bedroom and hid it in the dresser upstairs in the guest room. My hope is that Primo will forget he ever gave it to me.
He came home for a week, left again. Then home for two weeks. Back to FL early Sept for a week. Home for two weeks, then gone again. He gets home this week after being gone for nine days and will go back to FL end of October for another week.
This after spending almost all of his time in Florida since mid April.
The times he has been home have not been relaxing. He has still had to deal with Ted. You guys know that's no picnic. He has also had a backlog of home chores to do. Not the everyday stuff we had planned that he would do with his year off - I am doing those things because I want his time at home to be as restful as possible, but other things that he is in charge of and does not want to yield (because he is an engineer and a total control freak), like getting the car inspected and cutting the grass and changing the air filter, etc.
He is at the house in Florida, trying to get rid of stuff so he can put it up for sale. He called me this morning to tell me that Stephanie and the girls had come over to help him with some stuff.
"We went through the cupboards and the fridge and got rid of everything. They took a lot of food home and I threw away the rest. Then I had them go through my mom's jewelry and take whatever they want," he said. "I am going to mail what's left to Ted'sWife."
"She will complain that you are hiding the Good Bracelet from her," I said.
"I don't care. I am tired of dealing with her. And with Ted. You know how facebook does that timehop thing? Two years ago this weekend was when Ted and I came to Florida for my dad's 80th birthday. I am seeing all the things that Ted posted. He is such a jerk."
2 hours ago
"Like what?"
"Oh, stuff about how I needed to relax - it was time for the professionals to take over."
"To take over - celebrating your father's birthday?"
He sighed. "I know. It's just what he does. He always has to be the big shot. I want to ask him, 'If you are so connected and know so many important people in Washington, why don't you have a job?' Maybe someone could hire him to be a professional asshole."
"He's qualified, for sure," I said.
"I talked to the accountant on Friday. He said not to even set the trusts up until after the new year. Otherwise, I will have to do tax returns on them for 2015."
"That's good advice."
"Ted is going to hate it."
"Ted is going to blow a gasket. He already thinks you are taking too long to give him all the money."
"Whatever. I don't care any more. The trust is not about him, anyhow. It's supposed to be for Ted'sSon."
Then we decided he would not bring Doris' silver home - that we would just keep his grandparents' silver plate - which we have never used once in seven years of marriage because I am not going to polish silver - and that the cat would stay with the neighbor.
Good decisions.
And then we had to hang up because the guy who said he wanted to buy the car - Primo was giving him 25% under blue book just to sell the darn thing before Monday, when the registration expired - finally showed up. Primo was really annoyed because the guy was late. I had to remind Primo that he thinks it's OK for him to be late.
And then I took Doris' t-shirt - the one Primo brought for me because he thought I might like to wear his dead mother's t-shirt - out of the dresser in our bedroom and hid it in the dresser upstairs in the guest room. My hope is that Primo will forget he ever gave it to me.
Friday, February 12, 2016
In which I am a dog in a manger
This is how tacky and mean I can be. And vengeful. I don't want Doris' silver - I don't Do Silver unless I can sell it. I don't polish. I am done with all that. Too much work. Instead, I cook really good food when our friends come over.
But - I don't want Ted'sWife to have it, either. Miss "Oh isn't it soooo great that Primo is taking this year off so he can take care of his father* and that you guys aren't financially strapped so his not making any money isn't an issue for you."
I wanted to slap her.
Yeah, I am a little bit cranky about that still.
But - I don't want Ted'sWife to have it, either. Miss "Oh isn't it soooo great that Primo is taking this year off so he can take care of his father* and that you guys aren't financially strapped so his not making any money isn't an issue for you."
I wanted to slap her.
Yeah, I am a little bit cranky about that still.
7 hours ago
2 minutes ago
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
In which Primo and I become the Hardy Boys. Or maybe Nancy Drew. I always wanted titian hair
Here is the deal with Sly's life insurance.
A couple of weeks ago, Ted sent an email to Primo asking Primo to call him to give him information about Sly's life insurance, as he had received a letter from the insurance company.
1. If all you want is information that goes onto a form, ask for it in writing.
2. Why on earth would an insurance company send the claim information to someone who is not the beneficiary or otherwise mentioned anywhere in insurance company documentation?
We know that #2 is the case because Primo looked.
Primo: I found old papers about the life insurance. It used to be my mom who was the beneficiary, before they set up the trust. In the mid-80s, it was my mom and "the children of my marriage to Doris Drunk."
Me: What? Your dad cut Ted and Jack out of his life insurance?
Primo: Well, he did give them a lot of money over the years.
Me: Not in the mid 80s! He wouldn't even pay for their college.
Primo: Maybe he thought they would get their stepfather's insurance.
Me: Maybe. As long as their stepfather also didn't leave everything directly TO HIS CHILDREN.
So the insurance company sent all the information about filing a claim to Ted and Ted wanted information from Primo so he could complete the forms (which ask for things like copies of the will and the trust, which Ted does not have, and information about the trustee, which Ted does not have, and copies of a power of attorney if someone besides the trustee is doing this stuff, which Ted does not have because TED IS NOT THE TRUSTEE AND PRIMO IS AND PRIMO HAS NOT GIVEN POA TO TED).
And Primo said something to Ted about how it was not appropriate for Ted to call the insurance company and Ted got all indignant and said HE DIDN'T CALL HOW DARE PRIMO ACCUSE HIM which is when Primo apologized and Ted sent the email saying Primo couldn't even offend him because Primo was punching way above his weight and was so nasty and vile that Primo finally said "Ya basta" and sent everything to The Lawyer, saying, "I don't want to deal with this jerk any more."
And then Primo and I took a walk and were trying to figure out why the insurance company would have sent something to Ted if he didn't call them.
"Maybe the Social Security Administration notified the insurance company that my dad had died?" Primo asked.
"They can't even stop paying dead people on their own rolls," I said. "They are not notifying life insurance companies about deaths."
We pondered and pondered and none of it made sense. Ted is not the trustee. He is not the beneficiary. He is not the executor. Why would the insurance company have mailed him any documentation?
And, when they did, why did Ted not just forward it to Primo?
We finally decided that there is a strong possibility that Ted is lying.
Primo and I are both curious enough that he is going to call the insurance company and figure this out.
A couple of weeks ago, Ted sent an email to Primo asking Primo to call him to give him information about Sly's life insurance, as he had received a letter from the insurance company.
1. If all you want is information that goes onto a form, ask for it in writing.
2. Why on earth would an insurance company send the claim information to someone who is not the beneficiary or otherwise mentioned anywhere in insurance company documentation?
We know that #2 is the case because Primo looked.
Primo: I found old papers about the life insurance. It used to be my mom who was the beneficiary, before they set up the trust. In the mid-80s, it was my mom and "the children of my marriage to Doris Drunk."
Me: What? Your dad cut Ted and Jack out of his life insurance?
Primo: Well, he did give them a lot of money over the years.
Me: Not in the mid 80s! He wouldn't even pay for their college.
Primo: Maybe he thought they would get their stepfather's insurance.
Me: Maybe. As long as their stepfather also didn't leave everything directly TO HIS CHILDREN.
So the insurance company sent all the information about filing a claim to Ted and Ted wanted information from Primo so he could complete the forms (which ask for things like copies of the will and the trust, which Ted does not have, and information about the trustee, which Ted does not have, and copies of a power of attorney if someone besides the trustee is doing this stuff, which Ted does not have because TED IS NOT THE TRUSTEE AND PRIMO IS AND PRIMO HAS NOT GIVEN POA TO TED).
And Primo said something to Ted about how it was not appropriate for Ted to call the insurance company and Ted got all indignant and said HE DIDN'T CALL HOW DARE PRIMO ACCUSE HIM which is when Primo apologized and Ted sent the email saying Primo couldn't even offend him because Primo was punching way above his weight and was so nasty and vile that Primo finally said "Ya basta" and sent everything to The Lawyer, saying, "I don't want to deal with this jerk any more."
And then Primo and I took a walk and were trying to figure out why the insurance company would have sent something to Ted if he didn't call them.
"Maybe the Social Security Administration notified the insurance company that my dad had died?" Primo asked.
"They can't even stop paying dead people on their own rolls," I said. "They are not notifying life insurance companies about deaths."
We pondered and pondered and none of it made sense. Ted is not the trustee. He is not the beneficiary. He is not the executor. Why would the insurance company have mailed him any documentation?
And, when they did, why did Ted not just forward it to Primo?
We finally decided that there is a strong possibility that Ted is lying.
Primo and I are both curious enough that he is going to call the insurance company and figure this out.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
In which I try to convince Primo that the kids would be better off if he were not the trustee
I am trying to convince Primo that it is OK for him to resign from the trust and let the trust lawyer handle it. Primo has a highly-developed sense of responsibility (my understanding is that this is common with children of alcoholics?) and never thinks anyone else can do the job as well as he can. (That just comes from his being a control freak engineer.)(We argue about how to put silverware away. Nothing is safe.)
Primo: He won't do it right.
Me: If you don't resign, you have another 11 years of dealing with Ted about this. And you already know that there is nothing you can do short of draining that trust and making the check out to him that will make him happy.
Primo: But what about the other kids? Jack has been really reasonable. He wants to pay off their student loans and set up IRAs for them.
Me: I think that's a great idea. Can you resign from just Ted'sSon's trust?
Primo: I don't know.
Me: Plus with Ted'sSon, you have the additional complication that he is disabled and gets social security disability and the rules are different. No matter what you do, you are going to have to consult with a lawyer. So the trust is going to pay legal fees no matter what.
Primo: I guess.
Me: Isn't your main responsibility to make sure that the funds are disbursed appropriately and that the expenses charged to the trust are reasonable?
Primo: Yes.
Me: If The Lawyer had been in charge, would he have given Ted the money to reimburse him for attending his own father's funeral?
Primo: Nope.
Me: Do you think The Lawyer might have a more dispassionate attitude toward things? That if Ted gets nasty, The Lawyer can just hang up or say, "Ted, you realize you are paying me $500 an hour to listen to you scream, don't you?" But with you, there is an emotional connection that makes it harder.
Primo: Why does he have to be such a jerk?
Me: I don't know.
Primo: He has always been like this.
Me: I'm sorry, sweetie.
Primo: He would not have reimbursed Ted those travel expenses.
Me: So he would have made sure that the trust funds were not used for inappropriate expenses?
Primo: For sure
Me: So actually, it is the responsible thing for you to do to resign. That would be acting in the kids' best interests.
Primo: Maybe.
Primo: He won't do it right.
Me: If you don't resign, you have another 11 years of dealing with Ted about this. And you already know that there is nothing you can do short of draining that trust and making the check out to him that will make him happy.
Primo: But what about the other kids? Jack has been really reasonable. He wants to pay off their student loans and set up IRAs for them.
Me: I think that's a great idea. Can you resign from just Ted'sSon's trust?
Primo: I don't know.
Me: Plus with Ted'sSon, you have the additional complication that he is disabled and gets social security disability and the rules are different. No matter what you do, you are going to have to consult with a lawyer. So the trust is going to pay legal fees no matter what.
Primo: I guess.
Me: Isn't your main responsibility to make sure that the funds are disbursed appropriately and that the expenses charged to the trust are reasonable?
Primo: Yes.
Me: If The Lawyer had been in charge, would he have given Ted the money to reimburse him for attending his own father's funeral?
Primo: Nope.
Me: Do you think The Lawyer might have a more dispassionate attitude toward things? That if Ted gets nasty, The Lawyer can just hang up or say, "Ted, you realize you are paying me $500 an hour to listen to you scream, don't you?" But with you, there is an emotional connection that makes it harder.
Primo: Why does he have to be such a jerk?
Me: I don't know.
Primo: He has always been like this.
Me: I'm sorry, sweetie.
Primo: He would not have reimbursed Ted those travel expenses.
Me: So he would have made sure that the trust funds were not used for inappropriate expenses?
Primo: For sure
Me: So actually, it is the responsible thing for you to do to resign. That would be acting in the kids' best interests.
Primo: Maybe.
In which Primo wonders about how to dispose of a carton of porn
Primo: The box of dirty books is still there.
Me: Oh.
Primo: I can't think of any place to donate porn.
Me: Me, neither.
Primo: But most of them are paperbacks. I guess I can put them in the recycling.
Me: That sounds good.
Primo: One of the recurring themes in the sex diary is about those books. They would get started by sitting around drinking brandy and reading dirty books. Some of the dirty books had photos of gay sex.
Me: They bought gay porn?
Primo: There were some gay porn magazines.
Me: Why would you buy gay porn if you're straight? Do gay people buy straight porn?
Primo: A lot of people are bisexual.
Me: Was your dad bisexual?
Primo: I think the appropriate term for someone who may not engage in bisexual activity but might like to look at it is bi-curious.
Me: What did your mom think about this? I am guessing this was gay men porn?
Primo: There might have been some gay women porn.
Me: I bet that would have been for your dad. I bet the only porn your mom would have wanted to see would have been of a man being nice to a woman, like making dinner for her.
Primo: I have no idea if my mom actually enjoyed this stuff or just went along with my dad to keep him happy.
Me: She wouldn't have been keeping him happy. She would have been keeping him from getting angry and hurting her.
Me: Oh.
Primo: I can't think of any place to donate porn.
Me: Me, neither.
Primo: But most of them are paperbacks. I guess I can put them in the recycling.
Me: That sounds good.
Primo: One of the recurring themes in the sex diary is about those books. They would get started by sitting around drinking brandy and reading dirty books. Some of the dirty books had photos of gay sex.
Me: They bought gay porn?
Primo: There were some gay porn magazines.
Me: Why would you buy gay porn if you're straight? Do gay people buy straight porn?
Primo: A lot of people are bisexual.
Me: Was your dad bisexual?
Primo: I think the appropriate term for someone who may not engage in bisexual activity but might like to look at it is bi-curious.
Me: What did your mom think about this? I am guessing this was gay men porn?
Primo: There might have been some gay women porn.
Me: I bet that would have been for your dad. I bet the only porn your mom would have wanted to see would have been of a man being nice to a woman, like making dinner for her.
Primo: I have no idea if my mom actually enjoyed this stuff or just went along with my dad to keep him happy.
Me: She wouldn't have been keeping him happy. She would have been keeping him from getting angry and hurting her.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
In which Primo says "Screw this I am not dealing with this jerk any more"
Primo forwarded Ted's email to the lawyer.
Good.
Ted is so dead to me that I have dug him up from when he told me what an idiot I was over Ted Kennedy and put a stake through his heart.
Good.
Ted is so dead to me that I have dug him up from when he told me what an idiot I was over Ted Kennedy and put a stake through his heart.
In which Ted replies to Primo's apology about the insurance company letter and we decide that that is your dagger
Subject: Re: updates
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com
You are incapable of “going off” on me, Primo. You can’t punch that far out of your weight class. The lawyer is a junior varsity trust attorney. My wife (of 26 years) is flabbergasted by your continued shitty, imperious attitude and Scott Walker-level lack of disclosure.
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com
You are incapable of “going off” on me, Primo. You can’t punch that far out of your weight class. The lawyer is a junior varsity trust attorney. My wife (of 26 years) is flabbergasted by your continued shitty, imperious attitude and Scott Walker-level lack of disclosure.
You purport to be a politician. Politics is about leadership; you have provided little if any since July 11.
On the other hand, you are capable of fiduciary mismanagement of our father’s trust (as you shall soon learn, it became his trust after his wife—our beloved Doris—predeceased him) and I am capable of attempting through all available legal and personal channels to rectify any malfeasance, mismanagement, or one-sided mis-interpretations.
Thanks for ruining my Saturday. And stop typing me emails before I have to fly up—as I did lovingly for your wedding—and kick your sorry ass.
You are about to piss me off.
Love,
Ted
On Oct 3, 2015, at 5:15 PM, Primowrote:
In which Primo and I fight about Ted, with Primo maintaining that Ted DID apologize so should get a second chance
To which I say, "Bullshit - your brother has not changed stripes and that was not an apology and he deserves nothing from you."
Primo: You have no idea what a relief it is when Ted is not a jerk.
Me: I understand that, sweetie, but do you realize how abusive that sounds? That you are relieved that he is acting with just minimal decency? Not even courtesy? Just less jerkish than usual?
Primo: I dread any interaction with him.
Me: So why don't you just turn it all over to the lawyer? Have the lawyer deal with Ted?
And then there was this:
And I said
Me: How come you can push back so easily on me but not on Ted?
Primo: I'm not pushing back on you!
Me: You are too! You are arguing with me about why you should continue to deal with Ted!
And more
And then
Me: I'm not telling you what to do. You get to decide. But Ted is sucking up all of your emotional energy. You have been nothing but decent to him. You have been polite and have treated him better than he deserves. You do not need to be nice to him any more.
Primo: But I don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to be like Ted.
Me: You don't have to. Just tell him that you will be dealing with Ted'sSon's trust later and that there is no reason to talk now.
Primo: It seems mean.
Me: He has been mean to you. It's time to draw the line.
Primo: You have no idea what a relief it is when Ted is not a jerk.
Me: I understand that, sweetie, but do you realize how abusive that sounds? That you are relieved that he is acting with just minimal decency? Not even courtesy? Just less jerkish than usual?
Primo: I dread any interaction with him.
Me: So why don't you just turn it all over to the lawyer? Have the lawyer deal with Ted?
And then there was this:
And I said
Me: How come you can push back so easily on me but not on Ted?
Primo: I'm not pushing back on you!
Me: You are too! You are arguing with me about why you should continue to deal with Ted!
And more
And then
Me: I'm not telling you what to do. You get to decide. But Ted is sucking up all of your emotional energy. You have been nothing but decent to him. You have been polite and have treated him better than he deserves. You do not need to be nice to him any more.
Primo: But I don't want to be a jerk. I don't want to be like Ted.
Me: You don't have to. Just tell him that you will be dealing with Ted'sSon's trust later and that there is no reason to talk now.
Primo: It seems mean.
Me: He has been mean to you. It's time to draw the line.
In which we roll our eyes and say "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" except it really is a pipe, isn't it? Ceci n'est pas une apology
Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com
I’ve done a terrible job of being a big brother to you—and for that I apologize.
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com
I’ve done a terrible job of being a big brother to you—and for that I apologize.
Let’s talk on the phone after setting up a proper time.
I have zero antipathy towards you but couldn’t have more related to your communications skills.
cheers
Let's deconstruct.
1. "I've done a terrible job for being a big brother to you - and for that I apologize."
- Ted did not apologize for being a jerk
- He did not apologize for screaming at Primo
- He did not apologize for saying, "these emails are offensive and bordering on ridiculous. You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being."
2. "Let's talk on the phone."
- Primo has told Ted repeatedly that he does not intend to talk on the phone
3. "Your communication skills"
- Primo has never screamed at Ted. He has never sent him an insulting email. There is nothing wrong with Primo's communications skills except sometimes he will not shut up but there is never any doubt about what he wants. Primo is nice to people. He is not a jerk.
4. "Couldn't have more related?" Doesn't that mean he related very well and could not have done it any more?
In which Primo tells Ted he is being a jerk and calls his bluff
From: Primo
To: Ted
Ted,You wrote,
Just as Jack's children have outstanding educational loans, so does Ted'sSon.
Then why didn't you tell me that? I did specifically mention "student loans with outstanding balances that constitute current and future obligations," which (as you know) Michael and Maria have. It is important to consider that Ted'sSon should not be penalized relative to the other grandchildren because of his special needs. Therefore, it may be reasonable to pay off loans that were taken out specifically for the purpose of Ted'sSon's education even if he is not responsible for those loans (because of his special needs) in the same way that Michael and Maria are responsible for their student loans. I cannot say anything definitive until I know more about the loans, but I can say with reasonable confidence that if assets from Ted'sSon's trust (after his individual account is opened and funded) are to be used to pay off outstanding educational loans, the appropriate amount(s) will be disbursed from the trust directly to the loan servicer(s) or other creditor(s), not to you.
The "comprehensive spreadsheet" (your words) of Ted'sSon's educational expenses did not include any mention of loans or other debts. Please update the spreadsheet or send additional information about Ted'sSon's outstanding loans.
And there's this:
You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being.
You communicate like a condescending jerk or, if you're sufficiently upset, like a 12-year-old. The last time you called me, you screamed at me for a short time and ended your tirade by yelling "I'm hanging up now!" Then you did hang up without giving me an opportunity to say a word. That "conversation" has a lot to do with my reluctance to discuss any estate-related matters with you by phone.
Primo
In which Primo tells Ted that the trust is not going to be paying for expenses incurred and paid for years ago and that he is not hiding the Good Bracelet from Ted'sWife
Primo toned down his original email to Ted because he just couldn't stand to be a jerk.
"Was I wrong?" he asked. "Should I have left it as it was? It seemed so harsh."
"Ted deserves it," I said, "but if you want to err on the side of not being an asshole, that is fine with me."
Here is the exchange from today. Don't you just want to give Ted everything he wants because of his gracious approach?
Just in case anyone is wondering, I have not made up any of this. I am copying and pasting these emails directly, changing only the names.
From: primo@hotmail.com
To: ted@icloud.com; ted'swife@verizon.net
Subject: RE: trust and education expenses
The trust language ("The Trustee shall apply so much of the income and principal of the trust fund as necessary or desirable for that grandchild's health, education, support, and maintenance") does allow trust assets to be used for educational expenses, but I assumed that you would be submitting a list of ongoing (i.e., current and planned) expenses for my consideration as trustee. When I wrote "YourSon's trust can certainly be used to pay for his educational expenses," I was not referring to expenses that had already been paid for past academic years. You did not make an explicit request in last week's email, but the spreadsheet appears to imply a request for payment to you of an amount that will be roughly equal to -- and possibly even greater than -- YourSon's expected share of the trust, which should be in the neighborhood of $150,000, as reimbursement for his past educational expenses.
I have discussed this with the lawyer. He and I agree that it will not be appropriate to use the trust assets to reimburse you for his past educational expenses, at least in the absence of student loans with outstanding balances that constitute current and future obligations. I understand that YourSon's educational expenses have been a burden for you in the past, but my parents already made a significant contribution toward those expenses; the purpose of YourSon's trust will be to use a share of what they left behind to improve his quality of life during the time after their deaths.
[Stuff about special needs] Having pointed that out, (1) I'm not a lawyer and (2) there are still legitimate concerns about YourSon's special needs and about what will happen if assets remain in his trust when he reaches the age of 30..... Please send a copy of the document(s) defining YourSon's existing special-needs trust. A full understanding of his existing special-needs trust will help to determine how his share of the trust should be directed for his short-term and long-term benefit.
Regarding my mother's jewelry, I used a magnifying glass to look closely at each piece I sent. The necklace with the rhinestones is an inexpensive (yes, "costume") Monet piece and the anklet (if I remember correctly) is sterling silver, but -- unless I made a mistake -- the two-tone bracelet (which appeared to be relatively new and was accompanied by one or two extra links that were in a small envelope) was marked "14K." It is not appropriate to refer to any piece of solid gold jewelry as "costume" jewelry. I assumed that I had found the correct bracelet when I sent the package, but I also found one other gold bracelet on the master bedroom carpet (after selling and moving a piece of furniture) just before leaving Florida a couple of weeks ago; I'm willing to send that to you as well. I assure you that I am not withholding and have no knowledge of any piece of jewelry that is supposed to be yours. I even took time to visit my parents' longtime favorite jewelry store (Blue Water Jewelers) last month to see if I could learn more about the bracelet that, according to both of you, was specifically mentioned by Dad. Unfortunately, I learned nothing useful from that encounter; there were no major purchases on record since the installation of the store's new computer system several years ago. (They did have a file, which contained only several orders for jewelry repairs.)
Ted'sWife, you wrote:
> May we please discuss this on a phone call, instead of lengthy emails?
As I mentioned in the last email, my preference is to discuss these difficult and sensitive issues in writing.
Because this is another long email, I will close by repeating my explicit request from a preceding paragraph: Please send a copy of YourSon's special-needs trust document(s).
Primo
Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@verizon.net
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: priimo@hotmail.com
We shall reply to this after appropriate legal consultation. Just as Jack's children have outstanding educational loans, so does Ted'sSon.
Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com
Also, Primo, you and the lawyer are out of your depth here and these emails are offensive and bordering on ridiculous. You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being.
"Was I wrong?" he asked. "Should I have left it as it was? It seemed so harsh."
"Ted deserves it," I said, "but if you want to err on the side of not being an asshole, that is fine with me."
Here is the exchange from today. Don't you just want to give Ted everything he wants because of his gracious approach?
Just in case anyone is wondering, I have not made up any of this. I am copying and pasting these emails directly, changing only the names.
From: primo@hotmail.com
To: ted@icloud.com; ted'swife@verizon.net
Subject: RE: trust and education expenses
The trust language ("The Trustee shall apply so much of the income and principal of the trust fund as necessary or desirable for that grandchild's health, education, support, and maintenance") does allow trust assets to be used for educational expenses, but I assumed that you would be submitting a list of ongoing (i.e., current and planned) expenses for my consideration as trustee. When I wrote "YourSon's trust can certainly be used to pay for his educational expenses," I was not referring to expenses that had already been paid for past academic years. You did not make an explicit request in last week's email, but the spreadsheet appears to imply a request for payment to you of an amount that will be roughly equal to -- and possibly even greater than -- YourSon's expected share of the trust, which should be in the neighborhood of $150,000, as reimbursement for his past educational expenses.
I have discussed this with the lawyer. He and I agree that it will not be appropriate to use the trust assets to reimburse you for his past educational expenses, at least in the absence of student loans with outstanding balances that constitute current and future obligations. I understand that YourSon's educational expenses have been a burden for you in the past, but my parents already made a significant contribution toward those expenses; the purpose of YourSon's trust will be to use a share of what they left behind to improve his quality of life during the time after their deaths.
[Stuff about special needs] Having pointed that out, (1) I'm not a lawyer and (2) there are still legitimate concerns about YourSon's special needs and about what will happen if assets remain in his trust when he reaches the age of 30..... Please send a copy of the document(s) defining YourSon's existing special-needs trust. A full understanding of his existing special-needs trust will help to determine how his share of the trust should be directed for his short-term and long-term benefit.
Regarding my mother's jewelry, I used a magnifying glass to look closely at each piece I sent. The necklace with the rhinestones is an inexpensive (yes, "costume") Monet piece and the anklet (if I remember correctly) is sterling silver, but -- unless I made a mistake -- the two-tone bracelet (which appeared to be relatively new and was accompanied by one or two extra links that were in a small envelope) was marked "14K." It is not appropriate to refer to any piece of solid gold jewelry as "costume" jewelry. I assumed that I had found the correct bracelet when I sent the package, but I also found one other gold bracelet on the master bedroom carpet (after selling and moving a piece of furniture) just before leaving Florida a couple of weeks ago; I'm willing to send that to you as well. I assure you that I am not withholding and have no knowledge of any piece of jewelry that is supposed to be yours. I even took time to visit my parents' longtime favorite jewelry store (Blue Water Jewelers) last month to see if I could learn more about the bracelet that, according to both of you, was specifically mentioned by Dad. Unfortunately, I learned nothing useful from that encounter; there were no major purchases on record since the installation of the store's new computer system several years ago. (They did have a file, which contained only several orders for jewelry repairs.)
Ted'sWife, you wrote:
> May we please discuss this on a phone call, instead of lengthy emails?
As I mentioned in the last email, my preference is to discuss these difficult and sensitive issues in writing.
Because this is another long email, I will close by repeating my explicit request from a preceding paragraph: Please send a copy of YourSon's special-needs trust document(s).
Primo
Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@verizon.net
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: priimo@hotmail.com
We shall reply to this after appropriate legal consultation. Just as Jack's children have outstanding educational loans, so does Ted'sSon.
more soon
Subject: Re: trust and education expenses
From: ted@icloud.com
CC: ted'swife@verizon.net
To: primo@hotmail.com
Also, Primo, you and the lawyer are out of your depth here and these emails are offensive and bordering on ridiculous. You communicate like a code jockey and not a human being.
cheers
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