How? How does it happen that someone - not a catalog, not a charity, not a political organization - has our address as Sly and Doris' address?
I really want to know.
And I want it to stop. I want not to get their mail. I want not to have frequent reminders of them. Our Christmas this year was so much nicer without them. Five years ago, we went to Spain for Christmas and Sly and Doris were furious. They sent Primo an email telling him - these were their words - that he was a "bad son." Sly told Primo that Doris was threatening suicide. Doris sent Primo an email on Christmas day telling him that "everything sucks and I get despondent."
I am not making this stuff up, people. Those of you from nice families might find it hard to believe that parents like Sly and Doris exist, but they do!
But they are finally gone and Primo and I are getting to have a life without their constant demands and drama and it is nice. Am I asking too much not to get their dang mail?
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
In which we return from being gone for ten days but do not find any pears from Ted
But Ted did call us on Christmas, when we were at the airport. We had a long layover in Atlanta and were getting into the "We are going on vacation!" and "We are going to be eating churros y chocolate in less than 24 hours!" groove when Primo's phone rang.
It was Ted.
Ick.
Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, not a Deal With The Drama That Is Ted day.
Man, I cannot stand him. The guy is such a jerk. Who expects to be paid for attending his own father's funeral?
(Although I have to cut Ted some slack here when I think about the part where Sly abandoned Ted and Jack to an woman Sly spent the rest of his life defining as the evil alcoholic harridan bitch from hell, even to Ted and Jack, which really? This is how you talk about your sons' mother to them?
And how Sly refused to pay anything for Ted's college, saying that Ted, who went to a decent school - not fabulous, but decent, could have gone to the tier 4 school where Sly taught for free. Sly also pointed out that his child support obligations ended when Ted turned 18. And that Ted's stepfather could afford to pay Ted's tuition - even though Ted's stepfather was not, you know, Ted's father.
Sly didn't have the same attitude toward Primo. He never suggested that Primo attend the college where Sly taught and he paid all of Primo's college bills.
So - hmmm. Maybe Ted has reason to feel a little disrespected by Sly and maybe Sly should have paid for Ted to attend his funeral because honestly, if I were Ted, that might the only way I would have gone.)(I went to Sly's funeral to support Primo and to make sure that he was dead.)
OK. But even with these caveats and a degree of sympathy for Ted for having such a crummy father, neither of us want to talk to him.
But Primo said, "If I don't talk to him now, he will just keep calling."
"You could block his number," I said. "That's what I have done."
Primo rolled his eyes. "I'm going to get it over with."
He came back a few minutes later.
"Is he sending us pears again?" I asked.
"He didn't mention it."
"Did he ask for money?"
"Nope."
"That's weird."
"Yeah. He didn't even suggest that it was looming."
"But we know it is."
When we got home from the trip, there were no pears waiting. Ted is falling down on the job.
It was Ted.
Ick.
Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, not a Deal With The Drama That Is Ted day.
Man, I cannot stand him. The guy is such a jerk. Who expects to be paid for attending his own father's funeral?
(Although I have to cut Ted some slack here when I think about the part where Sly abandoned Ted and Jack to an woman Sly spent the rest of his life defining as the evil alcoholic harridan bitch from hell, even to Ted and Jack, which really? This is how you talk about your sons' mother to them?
And how Sly refused to pay anything for Ted's college, saying that Ted, who went to a decent school - not fabulous, but decent, could have gone to the tier 4 school where Sly taught for free. Sly also pointed out that his child support obligations ended when Ted turned 18. And that Ted's stepfather could afford to pay Ted's tuition - even though Ted's stepfather was not, you know, Ted's father.
Sly didn't have the same attitude toward Primo. He never suggested that Primo attend the college where Sly taught and he paid all of Primo's college bills.
So - hmmm. Maybe Ted has reason to feel a little disrespected by Sly and maybe Sly should have paid for Ted to attend his funeral because honestly, if I were Ted, that might the only way I would have gone.)(I went to Sly's funeral to support Primo and to make sure that he was dead.)
OK. But even with these caveats and a degree of sympathy for Ted for having such a crummy father, neither of us want to talk to him.
But Primo said, "If I don't talk to him now, he will just keep calling."
"You could block his number," I said. "That's what I have done."
Primo rolled his eyes. "I'm going to get it over with."
He came back a few minutes later.
"Is he sending us pears again?" I asked.
"He didn't mention it."
"Did he ask for money?"
"Nope."
"That's weird."
"Yeah. He didn't even suggest that it was looming."
"But we know it is."
When we got home from the trip, there were no pears waiting. Ted is falling down on the job.
Saturday, March 4, 2017
In which Primo does not rush into the very rash decision of buying monogrammed stationery
It has been more than six weeks since the election.
Wonderful people gave time and money to Primo's campaign.
Primo still has not written thank-you notes to them. I am trying not to care, because it's not me and my notes, but man is it stressful. Those people need to be thanked. This needs to be DONE.
On Sunday, Primo came downstairs with what remains of the monogrammed stationery I bought for him years ago. There is only one piece left.
He needs to write way more than one thank-you note.
We found the vendor online. Found some stationery he liked. Found a good price. It's made in the US, which is always a plus - we want our fellow citizens to have good jobs.
"Should I order this for you?" I asked.
No! Not yet!
I wanted to know what additional information he needed to make this decision.
He was not ready.
Every night, I asked again.
No! Not yet!
Last night, he was ready.
"But should I get 100 pieces?" he asked.
"Sure," I said. "It's something you'll use the rest of your life. It's not a perishable."
"But that's a lot."
"If you die before you use it all, I will use it up."
"Your name is not Primo!"
"I will cross it out," I assured him.
Then he told me that he was going to pay extra to guarantee shipping by Christmas (next Sunday).
"If only there had been a way to pay regular shipping and still get it in time," I said.
Honestly.
Wonderful people gave time and money to Primo's campaign.
Primo still has not written thank-you notes to them. I am trying not to care, because it's not me and my notes, but man is it stressful. Those people need to be thanked. This needs to be DONE.
On Sunday, Primo came downstairs with what remains of the monogrammed stationery I bought for him years ago. There is only one piece left.
He needs to write way more than one thank-you note.
We found the vendor online. Found some stationery he liked. Found a good price. It's made in the US, which is always a plus - we want our fellow citizens to have good jobs.
"Should I order this for you?" I asked.
No! Not yet!
I wanted to know what additional information he needed to make this decision.
He was not ready.
Every night, I asked again.
No! Not yet!
Last night, he was ready.
"But should I get 100 pieces?" he asked.
"Sure," I said. "It's something you'll use the rest of your life. It's not a perishable."
"But that's a lot."
"If you die before you use it all, I will use it up."
"Your name is not Primo!"
"I will cross it out," I assured him.
Then he told me that he was going to pay extra to guarantee shipping by Christmas (next Sunday).
"If only there had been a way to pay regular shipping and still get it in time," I said.
Honestly.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
In which Primo does not win and Ted calls and we worry that all kinds of drama will start again
I have not written anything for a few months because
1. I am lazy
2. Not much has been going on
Except
TED
(Which you knew)
Oh - and Primo did not win. Which was sad. He outperformed other candidates in his party upballot, but that's easy - Primo is a man of integrity who has never lied to or been snarky to the American people. That is, Primo is not a jerk, which is something I cannot say about anyone else who was on the national ballot.
Back to Ted.
Today is Dec 17. It is one week until Christmas. Here is what Ted has been doing over the past few weeks. We know he is working up to asking for money.
1. He texted Primo repeatedly after the election, offering his (unasked-for) opinion. Primo was all stressed because Ted wanted to talk and Primo did not want to talk. I said that just because Ted wants does not mean he gets. Primo never called Ted.
2. He sent Primo an email about some karaoke machine that was on sale, telling Primo that in an alternate universe, he would be giving this to Primo for Christmas.
"He's working up to asking you for money," I said.
3. He sent Primo a text about Nancy, whose birthday was last week. Ted has never commemorated Nancy's birthday before to Primo in any way.
He is going to ask for money. I just know it. The only question is will he send us some pears again this year?
1. I am lazy
2. Not much has been going on
Except
TED
(Which you knew)
Oh - and Primo did not win. Which was sad. He outperformed other candidates in his party upballot, but that's easy - Primo is a man of integrity who has never lied to or been snarky to the American people. That is, Primo is not a jerk, which is something I cannot say about anyone else who was on the national ballot.
Back to Ted.
Today is Dec 17. It is one week until Christmas. Here is what Ted has been doing over the past few weeks. We know he is working up to asking for money.
1. He texted Primo repeatedly after the election, offering his (unasked-for) opinion. Primo was all stressed because Ted wanted to talk and Primo did not want to talk. I said that just because Ted wants does not mean he gets. Primo never called Ted.
2. He sent Primo an email about some karaoke machine that was on sale, telling Primo that in an alternate universe, he would be giving this to Primo for Christmas.
"He's working up to asking you for money," I said.
3. He sent Primo a text about Nancy, whose birthday was last week. Ted has never commemorated Nancy's birthday before to Primo in any way.
He is going to ask for money. I just know it. The only question is will he send us some pears again this year?
Sunday, February 19, 2017
In which Primo notes that he should be calling people to ask for money even though [our state's football team] just lost and lost big and people are all, "Well, that's it for this year" and are depressed
Primo: If I were a serious politician, I would be calling people as soon as the game is over.
Me: Right. Because all people want after [the big football team in our state] lose is to hear from a politician.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
In which Primo accidentally sends a LinkedIn invitation to his opponent, which still is not as mortifying as when I learned that you can see who has looked at your LinkedIn profile and I wonder if my old boyfriends, whom I have been googlestalking, know about that feature
Primo: You know how LinkedIn is always pestering you?
Me: Yes.
Primo: I never do anything on LinkedIn, but I clicked through to the "People you may know" section.
Me: And?
Primo: They suggested I connect with [my opponent]!
Me: OK, that's weird!
Primo: So I clicked through to look at his profile and I accidentally sent him an invitation to connect!
Me: That's awkward.
Me: Yes.
Primo: I never do anything on LinkedIn, but I clicked through to the "People you may know" section.
Me: And?
Primo: They suggested I connect with [my opponent]!
Me: OK, that's weird!
Primo: So I clicked through to look at his profile and I accidentally sent him an invitation to connect!
Me: That's awkward.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
In which our sweet catsitter, who just turned 18, says he will vote for Primo
The reply to my request that our sweet, sweet catsitter, who is a senior in high school, feed our cats when we go on vacation over Christmas:
Yup! I will be in town. Also I saw the sign for Primo around the neighborhood. Good luck! I plan on voting for him!
Catsitter
Yup! I will be in town. Also I saw the sign for Primo around the neighborhood. Good luck! I plan on voting for him!
Catsitter
In which Primo thinks about doing a report ahead of time rather than staying up all night to finish in a panic, which has been his preferred approach for doing taxes and other things that the lack of doing can put a person in prison
Primo: There's one thing I haven't been procrastinating on.
Me: What?
Primo: There is nothing worse than doing a campaign finance report at the last minute.
[I would say that there's nothing worse than doing anything at the last minute, but whatever.]
Me: OK.
Primo: So as I have been getting contributions, I have been adding them.
Me: Instead of staying up all night the day before the report is due?
Primo: Yes!
Me: Who ARE you? And what have you done with my husband?
Me: What?
Primo: There is nothing worse than doing a campaign finance report at the last minute.
[I would say that there's nothing worse than doing anything at the last minute, but whatever.]
Me: OK.
Primo: So as I have been getting contributions, I have been adding them.
Me: Instead of staying up all night the day before the report is due?
Primo: Yes!
Me: Who ARE you? And what have you done with my husband?
In which the mother in law of Primo's best friend asks us how to donate to Primo's campaign and we realize, once again, how lucky we are to have such wonderful people in our livesl
Mrs W wrote,
Good Morning, Goldie:
How is the wife of the candidate holding up? As well as the candidate? I hope...
What a grueling and grotesque campaign this has been. Given my level of agony and disgust, I'm well aware that yours is infinitely worse.
I'd like to make a contribution to Primo's campaign; however I don't wish to put it on a credit card.
Would you please let me know how to do so by check -- name of payee line and address to which it should be sent.
I hope that Primo has a chance to be the victor rather than the perennial sacrificial lamb. Please keep me up-to-date.
Wishing you both fortitude and victory!!!
With love,
Ruth
In which a reporter - I am shocked, shocked! - gets it wrong again
Primo: You know that guy who called me for an interview?
Me: Umm. Yes. Of course.
Primo: The article was printed today. He made some mistakes.
Me: Like what?
Primo: Instead of writing that I am a "chip designer," he says I am a "ship designer."
Me: At least there is not a big difference between designing microchips and designing ocean-going vessels.
Me: Umm. Yes. Of course.
Primo: The article was printed today. He made some mistakes.
Me: Like what?
Primo: Instead of writing that I am a "chip designer," he says I am a "ship designer."
Me: At least there is not a big difference between designing microchips and designing ocean-going vessels.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
In which a politician whom I have never liked anyhow donates $1,000 to a candidate who is running unopposed in November but only $100 to Primo, even though Primo has donated money to this politician and has helped him campaign
Primo: Politician X gave $100 to my campaign last night.
Me: Wow! That's really nice. I think he's a total sleazeball, but that's nice of him to contribute.
Primo: He gave $1,000 to [Candidate Y], too.
Me: Really?
Primo: She won her primary in August and is running unopposed. So she doesn't even need the money.
Me: That seems kind of - unbalanced.
Primo: I have done doors for him. I have helped him a lot. I have contributed to his campaigns.
Me: Did he at least contribute as much to you as you have given to him?
Primo: Nope.
Me: I see.
Primo: So now I know where I stand.
Me: So you're not going to give him more money or help?
Primo: Um. No.
In which Primo suggests that I am just so, so much better at removing petroleum-based stains from all clothing, especially his
Primo: I got vaseline on my pants!
Me: How?
Primo: I was at Sandy's house and she wasn't home but one of her [Senate candidate's] signs was crooked so I straightened it out for her.
Me: And?
Primo: And she had put vaseline on it because there have been some sign-stealing incidents on her street!
Me: That's what you get for meddling with someone else's business.
Primo: I wasn't meddling! I was trying to help! I was doing the right thing!
Me: And you are not seeing a problem with this?
Primo: It was the right thing to do!
Me: Uh huh.
Primo: Will you clean the stain off my pants?
Me: No, but I will tell you how to do it.
Primo: No! I want you to do it!
Me: That's OK. I'll just tell you.
Primo: But - but - I don't have time! I'm busy!
Me: Oh, and I didn't spend all day working?
Primo: But you already know how to do it!
Me: Yes.
Primo: And you're already good at it!
Me: All you need is practice.
Primo: But - but - but - it's not something I should need to know how to do. It happens so rarely.
Me: So?
Primo: It's your telling me I need to learn how to bake an apple pie. You're already so good at it that there's no reason for me to learn how.
Me: Now you are advocating for division of labor and specialization?
Primo: Yep.
Me: Kind of ironic that the only time you are in favor of free market policies is when they benefit you.
Me: How?
Primo: I was at Sandy's house and she wasn't home but one of her [Senate candidate's] signs was crooked so I straightened it out for her.
Me: And?
Primo: And she had put vaseline on it because there have been some sign-stealing incidents on her street!
Me: That's what you get for meddling with someone else's business.
Primo: I wasn't meddling! I was trying to help! I was doing the right thing!
Me: And you are not seeing a problem with this?
Primo: It was the right thing to do!
Me: Uh huh.
Primo: Will you clean the stain off my pants?
Me: No, but I will tell you how to do it.
Primo: No! I want you to do it!
Me: That's OK. I'll just tell you.
Primo: But - but - I don't have time! I'm busy!
Me: Oh, and I didn't spend all day working?
Primo: But you already know how to do it!
Me: Yes.
Primo: And you're already good at it!
Me: All you need is practice.
Primo: But - but - but - it's not something I should need to know how to do. It happens so rarely.
Me: So?
Primo: It's your telling me I need to learn how to bake an apple pie. You're already so good at it that there's no reason for me to learn how.
Me: Now you are advocating for division of labor and specialization?
Primo: Yep.
Me: Kind of ironic that the only time you are in favor of free market policies is when they benefit you.
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