Ch 3 August We are going to a family reunion/fish fry where Primo will meet not only my mother but many of my 16 aunts and uncles and 26 first cousins but you know what? They will be nice to him and offer him food

My aunt Rita and uncle Larry throw a big fish fry every summer at their lake place in Wisconsin.

We’re going. Primo will be fine being thrown into the mosh pit of my family.

At least I know people will be polite to him. Although my grandmother does things like offer the lion’s share of the good treats to the men because they are men (my mom says, “Nope. They haven’t been baling hay all day. We can share this treat equally”), she is a generous, kind person who just wants the people around her to be happy and very well fed.

And at least there will be food. Good luck to Primo getting away with eating not very much, because in my family, food is how you show hospitality and love and may God have mercy on your soul if a guest is hungry in your domain. Saying there will be food at an event with my family – at any visit with my family – is like saying that the sun will rise in the east tomorrow. It’s a big, “Duh of course.”

Ch 2 Primo wants creamed onions for his birthday, which I guess is OK, but I am trying to move beyond Campbell’s soup as an ingredient (except for in King Ranch casserole, where it is essential), not because I am a food snob but it has so much salt

Me: What should we have for your birthday?

Primo: Steak.

Me: What else?

Primo: I don't know. Creamed onions. We could have creamed onions.

Me: I don't want to be cooking all day.

Primo: All you do is throw the stuff in a pot and heat it!

Me: What?! No! You have to make a cream sauce, which means starting with a roux and then adding milk. It's some work. And then there is peeling all those onions.

Primo: But you just open a can of soup. That's all.

Me: Soup?

Primo: It's my mom's recipe. I want you to make my mom's recipe.

Me: Ummmmmm. Cooking does not strike me as your mom’s thing.

Primo: It's just Cream of Shrimp soup, some sherry, and the onions, which you buy frozen and peeled.

Me: So – alcohol is involved –

Primo: It is my parents.

Me: And – not much else.

Primo: I like it.

Me: Fine. It’s your birthday.

Ch 2 Doris sends Primo a present that she should know he would never want

Doris sends Primo a birthday present – a brown Hawaiian shirt from a store in Florida.

I have known Primo for less than two years. That is, I have known Primo for a lot less time than Sly and Doris have. (Not that Sly was involved in the gift selection. That is Women’s Work.)

In that time, I have learned

·        Primo does not wear brown.

·         He does not wear Hawaiian shirts.

“But I never wear anything like this!” he says. “Doesn’t she even look? Doesn’t she see what I wear when I visit? I have never in my life worn a shirt like this.”

Blue. He wears blue. The man has close to 100 blue shirts. I counted all the blue shirts in his closet. Blueblueblue. Blue is what he wears. No brown. Not one single brown shirt.

I was looking at a coffee-table travel book with Henry, our friends’ little boy. He saw a photo of a man wearing a blue shirt on a camel.

Me: Who’s that?

Henry: I think it’s Uncle Primo!

Me: No. I don’t think Primo has ever been on a camel.

Henry: But – he’s wearing a blue shirt!

Ch 2 Sly tells Primo to spend over $100 on garden lights as a Mother’s Day present for Doris and it ticks me off even though really, it is none of my business

Am I the only person in the world who hates Mother’s Day and its evil twin, Valentine’s Day? I hate them. I hate stupid mandatory holidays. I love my mother every day, not just Mother’s Day. I get her a Mother’s Day card because it would hurt her feelings for the day to pass unnoticed and because I love her and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt, but it’s not my favorite thing to do.

I already told Primo that he does not have to do anything ever as long as we are together for Valentine’s Day.[1] Doing something nice for someone because Hallmark says so? No.

Although of course good chocolate is always welcome. But you don’t need a day for that.

So I am annoyed when Sly orders Primo to get Doris a Mother’s Day present – an expensive one.

My mom gets a card! A card! And that’s fine!

Although really, I do not have standing to be annoyed. Primo and I are not married. We do not share money or other resources. His doing for Doris does not take away from me.

But it’s still annoying.

Primo: My dad told me my mom wants these garden lights for Mother’s Day.

He leans back from his computer so I can see the product page.

Me: But those cost $100! And then there is shipping!

Primo: That’s what she wants.

Me: For Mother’s Day? That is an awful lot of money to spend on Mother’s Day. In my family, we do cards and that’s about it. Even if this were a Christmas present, it would be something my brother, sister, and I would go in together on. We are not in the habit of spending $100 on gifts.

Primo: Oh, they don’t spend that on me! I am supposed to spend that on them!

---

[1] See, “Primo takes the dead rat out of my basement.”

Ch 2 What Primo wishes for

Me: Until I met you, I never mixed leftovers in Tupperware containers.

Primo: Why not?

Me: I never thought of it. But it's a good idea.

Primo: The next things I'm going to hear you say are, "Until I met you, I wasn't a liberal and I didn't like having fingers stuck in my bellybutton."

Me: Yeah. Don't hold your breath on those.

Ch 2 Primo freaks out about a broken TJMAxx vase that cost only $15, which is only three in beer units – it’s not like it was Ming or anything

A vase sitting on top of Primo’s fridge falls to the ground and shatters into pieces.

I start picking up the glass.

Primo freaks out. Total Drama.

Primo: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Me: Relax! It's just a cheap vase from TJMaxx!

Primo: How did this happen? How? HOW?

Me: I don’t know. I suppose that each time the refrigerator door was opened, the vase moved a tiny bit. Let's just clean this up and get out of here.

Primo: But how did this happen? It has to be someone’s fault!

Me: No it doesn’t. Sometimes things are just accidents. 

Primo: But I have to understand! How did this happen? It shouldn’t have happened!

Me: It fell. That’s what happened. And now we clean it up. That’s all.

Primo: No! I have to understand.

Me: Why? Sometimes things happen and they are nobody’s fault.

Primo: No. It has to be someone’s fault.

Me: No it doesn’t. Just what was it like in your house when you were a kid? What happened if you spilled milk or something?

Primo: I got in trouble.

Me: No, no, no. I mean when you were little. It's one thing to get in trouble when you're seven and your dad has been warning you to stop goofing off. It's another when you are four. Four year olds have accidents. Big deal.

Primo: I told you, I got in trouble. My dad would scream at me.

Me: At a little kid? When you were little?

I get the little hand broom and the dustpan and start sweeping.

Primo: Yes.

Me: Really screaming. Not just a little bit of chastising?

Primo: Screaming.

Me: When you were little.

Primo: Yes.

Me: Little little?

Primo: Yes!

Me: Did that happen a lot?

Primo: Yes. He punched me when I was a teenager.

He plugs in the vacuum cleaner

Me: Punched?  Like – closed fist – punch?

Primo: I weighed about 90 pounds. Well – you’ve seen my dad. He’s big. And he was strong back then. He gave me a black eye.

Me: Wow. People call the cops for that kind of thing now.

Primo: Didn’t your dad hit you?

Me: He spanked us when I was little but stopped when I was five. That means my brother would have been four and my sister was three. He said he realized it was not a good idea to hit his own children.

Ch 2 Sly and Doris complain about Michael and Maria's lack of initiative and I am bitter thinking about all the times my grandparents complained about me BUT WAIT! THEY NEVER DID THAT!

Primo: Look at the email my mom and dad sent. They wonder why their grandchildren do not want to spend time with them.

We’ve tried to encourage Michael's love of basketball by steering him through two basketball camps and giving him advice on what he needed to work on to make the school basketball team. But he chose not to bulk up, tone himself, or increase his stamina. Obviously without the necessary hard work he wasn’t picked after team tryouts. For whatever reasons, he seems bound to diminish his innate talents by making unwise life-choices. He is counting on scholarships but has done little or no research about colleges that would be appropriate and/or affordable.

Ch 2 Primo thinks I will help him clean out Sly and Doris’ house after they die but no way am I getting involved in that mess

Primo: I know you're looking forward to cleaning out my parents' place after they die.

Me: I'm not doing that.

Primo: But what if I have to? Aren't you going to help?

Me: Sure. I’ll tell Salvation Army to come get everything.

Primo: But there might be stuff I want to keep.

Me: What, like the eight-year old Pittsburgh newspapers in the closet of the guest room?

Primo: No. But I'll have to go through everything in case there's something I might need someday.

Me: You’re on your own on that one, baby. I haven’t been to a wedding in a while, but I don’t think, “Help clean out your husband’s parents’ house” is part of the vows. It’s definitely not going to be in our vows.

Ch 2 March Sly asks Primo if he has ever seen Deep Throat and I reminisce about all the times my dad and I talked about porn – oh wait – that never happened because my father had a firm understanding of what’s appropriate, appropriate being you do not talk to your children, even your adult children, about your sex life and/or porn

Remember how we talked about Sly and his apparent lack of boundaries?

Hmm. If you don’t remember, let me remind you:

·         He offered his shower to Primo and me even though I was reluctant to share a bedroom with Primo under his roof

·         He told me that he and Doris shower together all the time

·         He told Primo about his Viagra use.

Here is Exhibit D re Sly’s Lack of Boundaries and His Total Cluelessness about Appropriate Conversations with His Adult Child.

Primo: You will not believe what my dad asked me.

Me: What?

Primo: He asked if I had ever seen “Deep Throat.”

Me: Your dad asked if you have ever watched a famous porn movie?

Primo: Yes.

Me: Does your dad know what the word “boundary” means? He was an English professor. I would expect he would know the definitions of common words.

Primo: Nope. Anyhow, he said that he and my mother had watched it.

Me: Oh you wanted to know that. Wait. Your dad admits to you that he watches porn?

Primo: Yes.

Me: But why? Why would he share that?

Primo: I don’t know. I know he watches online porn.

Me: He told you?

Primo: No, but when I have worked on his computer, I have seen his browsing history and his bookmarks.

Me: That is gross. I mean, I don’t care, I guess, but that’s not the kind of thing you share with someone.

Primo: And he said that there have been many women who threw themselves at him but he has turned them all down. There was even a man who offered to trade wives with him, because the man's wife was hot for my dad.

Me: Would it shock you if I told you I find that hard to believe? Not that your dad would tell you that kind of thing, although to be honest, I do find even that a bit shocking, but that women would throw themselves at your dad.

Primo: Nope.

Ch 2 February Doris calls Primo from the bathroom, which is the sort of thing I thought happened only in fiction

Primo: My mom just called me.

Me: Oh no! Is something wrong? Your parents never call you! It’s not even Sunday!

Primo: Well, sort of.

Me: What do you mean?

Primo: Nobody is sick or dead, but she locked herself in the bathroom because my dad is drunk and is screaming at her.

Me: Oh man. That’s awful. But what does she expect you to do? Would it even help if you talked to your dad?

Primo: I doubt it. My dad can’t be reasoned with even when he is sober. Trying to convince him that he is not right when he is drunk would be impossible.

Me: So why did she even call you?

Primo: I guess she just wants to hear from someone who isn’t being mean to her.

Me: Your mom’s life stinks.

Ch 2 January Sly says he is glad his sons didn’t have to be in the military and it’s not because he suffered so much – he was on a ship during peacetime, unlike my father, who actually went to war and whose death was caused by exposure to Agent Orange – but because – I don’t know why

Primo: My dad asked what rank your dad was.

Me: Why?

Primo: Why what?

Me: Why did he ask that?

Primo: I don’t know. He was in the navy for a few years and when I told him your dad was career air force, he asked what his rank was. Why wouldn’t he ask?

Me: Because asking someone’s rank is the equivalent of asking a civilian not only how much money he makes but where he stands socially. It is actually a very rude question. A civilian might not know that, but your dad would know for sure. When I was at my friend Julie’s wedding breakfast,[1] another guest, whose son was the aide de camp for some general, asked me what rank my dad was. The second I told her, she turned her back on me and talked to someone else. She knew that my dad could not help her son get promoted.

Primo: Oh. I didn’t know that. So I told him.

Me: Uh huh.

Primo: And he said, “He sure didn’t get very high, did he?”

Me: This coming from someone who was in the navy only because he would have been drafted into the army otherwise? Not because he had a sincere desire to serve his country? And who didn’t get promoted past lieutenant jg? Nice.

Primo: I know. Anyhow, he said he was glad that my brothers and I did not have to be in the military the way he was. Then he said it’s not like the military would have taken us anyway.

Me: Why not?

Primo: Because Ted and Jack have asthma and I have flat feet.

Me: I didn’t know you had flat feet!

Primo: I don’t. And Ted and Jack do not have asthma.

Me: But your dad says you do. So you must.

Primo: My dad is wrong.

Me: I’ll bet nobody has ever said that to his face.

---

[1] Totally not relevant, but when has that ever stopped me – that breakfast was where I learned how wonderful grits can be. In college, the grits were watery and bland. Julie’s breakfast grits had butter, cream, cream cheese, and cheddar cheese in them, which made them as wonderful as you might imagine.

Ch 2 Primo and I plan to Christmas together and Sly and Doris are pissed that he isn’t going to their place

Need I say more about this? I mean, is there anything else to say but even though Primo just spent several days visiting them that Sly and Doris are very upset that he is not planning to spend Christmas with them? That even though he went 20 years of not spending Christmas with them and they are used to his not spending Christmas with them that now that he is not married to ex-wife anymore that his default should be that he goes to their house whenever they want him there?

Primo tells them nope, he was just there and he is not traveling again.

Primo: They didn’t say anything about your coming with me. They want me to come for Christmas without you.

Me: I guess that would be OK. I am not used to spending Christmas with you.

Primo: No, it wouldn’t. They're not used to spending it with me, either! I want to spend Christmas with you. I don’t want to spend it with them. I don’t even want to spend it with them if you are with me. We were just there and they were not nice to you.

Ch 2 And this is why I don’t care about Valentine’s Day now or ever

Because Primo got rid of the dead rat (that cost $20 of poison to kill) that was making my basement stink.

PS Yes, despite the fact that I almost vomited and ran back upstairs when I saw this foul vermin, I did ask Primo to wait until I had taken a photo before he disposed of it. Looking at the photo makes me almost as sick to my stomach as seeing the thing live. Dead.

PPS Aren't you glad I share these intimate moments with you?

Ch 2 Sly and Doris do not like how I addressed my thank-you note and I think, “People! You should be glad you got a thank-you note AT ALL because there are plenty of people who don’t even write thank-you notes anymore, even if a person has bought a wedding gift and stood in line at the post office to mail it!”

I write a thank-you note to Sly and Doris because my mama raised me right. Not because I am truly grateful for the visit. I am not. They were not nice to me. They were not welcoming. But they are the parents of my boyfriend and someday husband, so I need to be on good terms with them. 

These are not the sheets that Sly and Doris used. These sheets do not have any holes in them.

And it is a pain in the neck to have people in your house, even if you are not going to be nice to them. You still have to clean the bathroom and put sheets on the guest bed and have food.

Or. You have your cleaning lady take care of the bathroom and the guest room and you don’t have food, at least not lunch food. Different strokes.

But. Thank you note. Required. Just because they were rude does not mean I have to be. They go low, you go high.

I send a thank you note. The good kind – in the mail.

Primo: My mom and dad don’t like your thank-you note.

Me: What’s not to like about a thank you note?

Primo: You addressed the envelope wrong.

Me: But they got it, right?

Primo: Yes.

Me: So what was not right about it?

Primo: You addressed it to “Drunk” instead of “Mr. and Mrs. Sly Drunk.”

Me: So?

Primo: They think you are not doing it right. They were insulted. They said you were being disrespectful.

Me: Did they notice that my return address was my last name only? That I did not include my first name?

Primo: That’s not the point. They were insulted.

Me: I wasn’t trying to insult them. I am lazy.

He shrugs.

Me: Tell them to bite me. I address letters to my mother that way and I love my mother. I was not singling them out in any way.

Ch 2 Sly and Doris are angry that I ate something (but we don’t know what it was) and that Ted'sWife ate all of the pickled herring and left after dinner a few years ago

Primo has his weekly call with Sly and Doris. I told you about that, right? Did I?

Every Sunday, before 3 p.m. his time, he calls them. Even if he is at my house or I am at his place, he calls. He can’t call any later because they start drinking at 4:00 and once they start drinking, they do not remember phone conversations, which would not be an issue except then they get angry at him for not calling.

They do not call him. He must call them. Because you know – those are the rules. If he doesn’t call, he gets these passive-aggressive emails about how they sure hope everything is OK and that he is not dead in a ditch because that would be the only possible reason for him not to call.

OK. I am making that part up – they don’t literally write that he might be dead in a ditch, but that is the subtext.

The sub-subtext is, “You are a horrible son for not calling us.”

Primo: They brought up the pickled herring again.

Me: Didn’t they talk about this when we were there? That they were mad at Ted'sWife for eating all of the pickled herring?

Primo: Yes. And then they complained that Ted'sWife left dinner early and returned to the home of the friend where she and Ted were staying and never went back to their house.

Me: When did this happen?

Primo: A few years ago, I think.

Me: What? They are still mad about something that happened years ago?

Primo: They are very good at remembering people not doing things right.

 Me: Like elephants.

Primo: They are mad at you, too.

Me: Again? I mean, I know they are mad that I was ignoring them by reading the paper when they were reading the paper.

Primo: Nope. This is new mad at you.

Me: OK? What now? Besides the ignoring them and them telling you not to marry me, which 1. Is a little premature—

Primo: It is not! I thought we had already agreed to get married once the divorce is final!

Me: I don’t know why you didn’t deal with getting divorced five years ago. You know – when you and ex-wife split.

Primo: Because I wasn’t in a hurry to re-marry and ex-wife didn’t have a job, so I wanted to keep her on my health insurance.

Me: OK. What I meant about being premature is not that we’re not getting married but that your parents don’t even officially know that we will get married. It is considered poor form, I believe, to announce an engagement while one is still married.

Primo: My parents really don’t care about poor form.

Me: Really? I hadn’t noticed.

Primo: What’s the second point?

Me: Oh! Yes. First point that it is premature of them to be telling you not to marry me and second point is that apparently, they do not learn from history, because history would teach them that telling you not to marry someone does not work.

Primo: Nope.

Me: So other than they don’t want you to marry me, what else are they angry about?

Primo: You ate all of something that you were not supposed to eat.

Me: All of what?

Primo: I don’t know.

Me: Didn’t they tell you?

Primo: I get tired of their complaining and I try not to encourage it by asking for details.

Me: You need to find out! Besides – there was almost nothing for us to eat there. They didn’t even have lunch food.

Primo: I can’t remember, but you were not supposed to eat it. And if you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat it, you should have known.