In which it is a year since the drama with Sly and Doris started with drunk Sly falling on drunk Doris and starting the chain of events that led to her death and it is still not over

You would think that six months or so would be enough to clean up and settle an estate, but you would be dead wrong.

1. The house is emptied and sold
2. Sly and Doris' 2015 taxes are done.
3. But - the grandchildren's trusts are not set up
4. Ted is still a pain in the ass
5. We have boxes and boxes of Sly and Doris' crap in our guest room.

Or maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you have experience in such things and it has been obvious to you all along that this was not going to go smoothly - put together two quasi-hoarders who make almost no death preparations, disinherit the executor and his half siblings, and add a disgruntled, entitled, obnoxious half sibling and you have yourself a nice situation comedy. Or dramady. Or something that makes people laugh and cry at the same time because honestly, what else are you going to do?

A year ago, Primo got the call about the drama having been set in motion. Doris told Primo, "This is the call you have been dreading" and LordHaveMercy she was right.

Thank you Sly and Doris for being such selfish jerks that you couldn't get your crap together.

Thank you Ted for picking up the mantle of The World's Biggest Jerk, at least in the Drunk Family, and trying to intimidate and bully Primo.

So lovely to have the dead keep on giving.

In which I curse American Advisors Group, or, We visit 1984

Me: Oh man. Another piece of junk mail for your mom.

Primo: And there is no postage-paid return envelope.

Me: It's one of those companies that preys on old people, so there is no email contact. Give me the phone.

Primo: Are you going to call?

Me: Yes. I am tired of this crap.

---

Call center person blessherheart: [lots of BS]

Me: Hi. I would like you to remove my mother in law from your mailing list. She is dead and we are not your target demographic.

CCP: OK. I will take care of it.

Me: Wait. Don't you need me to tell you who she is?

CCP: I have that information, ma'am.

Me: What is it?

CCP: I can't tell you.

Me: You can't tell me what information you have?

CCP: No ma'am.

Me: Then how do I know you have the proper information?

CCP: I'm sorry ma'am I cannot give you the information.

Me: You cannot tell me what information you have so I can tell you that yes, that is correct, and you don't care what information I have?

CCP: I am sorry, ma'am.

In which most of the junk mail for Sly and Doris has stopped but now they are just sending it to me instead

Smithsonian sent yet another solicitation for Doris the other day. I forwarded to them the previous three emails I had sent them asking them to remove her from their mailing list and said,

She is still dead.

Maybe that will work.

Then today a catalog from Boston Proper arrived but for me.

Just to prove I am not making it up about the fringed, cuffed sweatpants

You guys, I have not shopped from a catalog in decades. Yes, I buy online sometimes, but from eBay or, a few times, from White House Black Market. Maybe WHBM is selling their mailing lists, but honestly, I cannot see how a company that sells fringed cuffed sweats (Boston Proper) would think it might have customers in common with a store that sells plain black leather skirts, which is what I have bought from WHBM. And the dark green leather skirt. I am waiting for the brown one to go on sale.

I buy leather not because I am kinky (as far as you know) but because it doesn't wrinkle, it is easy to wear, and won't go out of style. Also, it doesn't collect cat hair. And because it Holds Things In and Smooths Them Out.

It is possible that Boston Proper (don't even bother going there - their clothes are tacky) got a mailing list from WHBM. But I buy from WHBM online. I do not shop from catalogs. Ever.

Doris got tons of catalogs.

I suspect that BP used to send catalogs to Doris and that I told them to take her off their mailing list so they started sending their junk to me instead.

Which brings up so many interesting questions:

1. Why would they think that a woman of my age would be interested in the same kind of clothes as a woman Doris' age?

2. Doris wore t-shirts with cats on them - and I think we can all agree there is nothing wrong with that - but do cat t-shirt wearing women wear outfits like the one above?

3. Even if Doris had been a little more elegant in her clothing, Stacey and Clinton would steer her away from the outfit above as being completely not age appropriate.

In which a Pod Person replaces Primo, I think

Did I tell you guys what my husband, whom I love dearly, said to me last night that made me think, "You are the hottest hottie ever!"?

(Is that how that sentence should be punctuated? I don't know.)

You know I have been KonMari'ing the place. But I have not thrown things away or taken them to Goodwill yet (except for a bunch of empty boxes that I put into the recycling without Primo knowing). Instead, I have been putting things into the corner of the basement, the idea being that if we don't even notice that these dishes/lotions Primo moved from his apartment eight years ago/old tupperwares I put downstairs when we got a set of Rubbermaid where all the sizes nest and we have lids are missing for a month or two or more that we can go the rest of our lives without them.

I had planned to wait a few months and then AHA! Primo with my clever strategy, knowing there was no possible way he would ask, "Where is that Corning Ware Dutch oven that you have not used in five years?"

But he noticed the pile of stuff in the basement and asked about it so I told him.

And he got all stressed about it because that's how he is and he said he can't make a decision while there is so much going on and it would have to wait until a time when nothing is going on which is his MO and to which I always answer that there is ALWAYS something going on in LIFE and you have to decide what you priorities are and of course his priorities are never the same as mine, as he thinks that doing doors for some candidate always wins over me but whatever.

I let him stress out and shrugged my shoulders and said I was going to get rid of stuff.

That was a week or two ago.

Last night, he walked into the basement. He is calmer than he has been because the election was on Tuesday and by last night, he had had two days to get over his disappointment and return to real life, although we are still expecting an explosion from Ted, who did not get what he wants.

He looked at the pile of stuff and asked, "How about if we spend some time on Saturday going through these things?"

I answered, "I would rather have you finish the taxes." (Today is April 8.)

"I know," he said, "but I would have time to do both. I plan to spend Saturday working on taxes, but I can take an hour to go through this stuff with you."

And I thought, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HOARDER HUSBAND?!

But I said, "That would be fabulous."

In which Primo tries to revert to his roots

Primo: Hey. That woman who sold me the computer?

Me: Yes.

Primo: She used to live in the house next door.

Me: Before Regina?

Primo: Yes.

Me: Oh!

Primo: She said the owner was a hoarder.

Me: That guy told us there was still coal in the basement!

Primo: She said you couldn't even see through the windows.

Me: Wow!

Primo: In honor of the house's history, I don't think we should throw anything away.

Me: Sure. If you never want to get laid again.

In which Primo buys a used Apple computer from a friend so he can send Sly's computer to Jack

Primo: It was only $150.

Me: Why can't you just keep your dad's?

Primo: Because I told Jack months ago I would send it to him. But I am really concerned about having to deal with all my parents' stuff without a Mac.

Me: Good grief.

Primo: Only $150.

Me: That is not an "only."

Primo: Oh come on.

Me: Hey! That is an expense the estate can pay.

Primo: I don't know.

Me: This issue would not exist if it were not for your parents. We would have no reason to buy a Mac* if it were not for their estate. And frankly, with all the efforts your parents made to make sure you were disinherited and that you would not be paid for doing anything, I am happy to charge the estate.

Primo: Yeah. Maybe. I have to ship the other one to Jack tomorrow.

Me: Uh huh.

Primo: Hey. Should the estate pay for the shipping?

Me: YES.








* There is an ancient Mac in our basement.

** Yes, I want to get rid of it.

*** No, I cannot KonMari Primo into getting rid of his ancient Mac.

Primo: What?

Me: We have a Mac in the basement.

Primo: No. That's an old firepower.

Me: Oh.

Primo: But I do have an old Mac in my office.

Me: OK ENGINEER.

In which I suggest to Primo that I would prefer it if he did not, even if it means wasting 1.5 cans of shaving cream, wear the stinky product that Sly used to use

Even before I knew that it was Sly's leftovers, I already did not like the shaving cream Primo had used a couple of times.

Now that I know it was Sly's, I don't think I can bear to kiss Primo if he smells like that stuff.

It is foul.

Primo has agreed to get rid of it. Which, if you have been reading, you understand is a major victory.

In which Primo uses a new shaving cream that makes me gag and when he explains that it belonged to Sly, it all makes sense

Me: Oh yuck! Are you using that same new shaving cream again?

Primo: Yes.

Me: That is nasty! I can taste it!

Primo: You can?

Me: Yes!

Primo: You are weird.

Me: The other day, when I was cooking and you used it, I thought there was something wrong with the food.

Primo: You are really weird.

Me: Why are you using it?

Primo: I have a can and a half of it - should I stop?

Me: No, that would be wasteful. But why did you start in the first place?

Primo: I brought it back from my mom and dad's.

Me: Oh. So this was your dad's?

Primo: Yes. It's super cheap.

Me: Of course.

In which I read Primo's phone and find the messages that preceded Jack's text about the computer

It was Primo writing about all the hassles of selling Sly and Doris' house and Jack did not respond. At all. Not even with a, "Wow, that stinks! Glad that's done, huh? Merry Christmas!"

Nope. Jack waited three months and then demanded to know what was going on with Sly's computer.

I asked Primo how it is that he, Ted, and Jack all came from the same family, as, as maddeningly slow as Primo is (as we leave for an eight-hour drive four hours later than planned), when Primo is the only one who is not an asshole.

"My mom used to be a really nice person," he said, "before my dad made her bitter and angry."

In which I am still waiting to leave while Primo empties the trash and the recycling, with the recycling not exactly on the critical path if you know what I mean - I am resorting to eating brownies

In which I find out what was actually in the text that Jack sent Primo (while I am waiting and waiting for Primo to be ready to leave)(I am getting a little bit cranky)

Jack's actual text to Primo about the computer:

I can't understand why you haven't sent it yet.

Not ignoring you guys and your fabulous comments - just going to be away from my computer for ten days - vacation! If you are a thief who has figured out where I live - and I cannot imagine someone like that reading this blog - we really don't have anything worth stealing, although you are more than free to take the amber urn in the bookcase in Primo's office. Really. Take. It.

In which Jack texts Primo to ask why he hasn't sent Sly's computer to him yet

Yes. He did.

It's not an unreasonable question, but if I were contacting Primo for the first time in months, I might have said something like this:

Hi Primo,

We haven't spoken in while. I know you must still be busy with settling the estate. Thank you for dropping everything the day before the enrollment deadline at Stephanie's work to get the kids set up on her health insurance, thanks for helping Maria buy a car, and thanks for writing the checks for Maria's student loans and the kids' health insurance every month. It's extra work for you and I appreciate what you are doing for my children.

We had discussed that I would get Dad's computer once you were done with it. Have you had a chance to download all the files you need to do his taxes? Any ideas on when you will be able to send it to me? I am glad to have the windfall of a new computer - I have needed one - and I will be happy  to get it.

I know you have already sold the house and gotten rid of all of Dad's and Doris' stuff, but is there anything I can do to help you settle the estate? It must be a lot of work.

Thanks, bro,

Jack

In which the email where Ted is "stunned" finally makes its way to me - it had gone to junk mail. This is the email that has Primo wanting to tell Ted that Primo is the Decider

Primo, if you will recall, said he needed to think about being a trustee on TedsSon's other trust.

Ted did not take it well.

Note that Ted would like very much to talk about the issues, as if there is a decision to be reached by consensus. He does not appear to understand that Primo makes the decisions and does not care what Ted thinks.

Thanks, Primo (and cc: TedsWife). My answers in black below. Please note that I would prefer a phone call to a (always perfunctory and monologue) email. Even people who work with/ for me know that setting a time and having a discourse is preferable to a typed-out dissertation. I always found that communicating with Dad and Doris verbally or in person was far superior to typed correspondence; however, as this is your preferred medium, here you go: [irrelevant links]

UPDATE
Ooops! Looks like I did not include Ted's "stunned" response. Here it is:

Quick note, if I may: I'm stunned that you would not want to be a trustee of TedsSon's estate. Family is everything.

In which there is KonMari with a cat