Ch 4 We are going to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and she keeps emailing about food

My mom: Does Primo like pumpkin pie?

Me: No.

Mom: Does he like apple pie?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Does he like blueberry pie?

Me: No.

Mom: Does he like cranberry sauce?

Me: No. If it ends in “erry” or has that “orange” flavor, he does not like it.

My mom is a fabulous hostess and she is concerned with her guests’ comfort. When I took a former boyfriend, John, who is a vegetarian, to my mom’s, she asked, “I made a pie that has lard in the crust. Will John be able to eat it?” That is how my mom is. She wants to be a gracious hostess and make her guests feel welcome in her home. Don’t all moms?

Yeah, you don’t have to answer that. We know.

Ch 3 My cousin licks Primo and I have to completely re-evaluate my smugness re family, although I promise that if you can’t say, “And then my cousin licked my boyfriend,” it’s not because your family is superior, it’s because your family is too small

So I have been all, “MY family would never be tacky and rude to you!” to Primo because I TRULY BELIEVED THAT. I didn’t think my mom would trash-talk my siblings or any other relatives to Primo because she has never even done that to me. My mom thinks it is Not Proper to Gossip about People, which is one of the reasons that she does not know about this blog. This blog’s entire mission is to Gossip about People, but in my defense, it’s to Gossip about People Who Deserve to be Gossiped About.

But I have not worried that my family could in any way be found wanting in comparison to Primo’s family. I am very sure that

·         My mom would not get angry at me or at Primo if I said Primo wanted separate sleeping accommodations at her house, not that I would need to tell her that because It Is Not Done To Share A Bedroom With A Non-Spouse at my mom’s.

·         My mom would never withhold food from any guest and would, indeed, goes out of her way to identify and prepare foods that a guest will like.

·         My mom would never offer her shower to my guest and me, telling us that she and my dad used to shower together there wink wink.

·         And of course my mom would not tell Primo and me what a disappointment my siblings are to her.

So I have been all self-righteous and superior because my family wins.

And then my cousin licks Primo and it becomes a tie.

What? Did I just say, “AND THEN MY COUSIN LICKS PRIMO?”

Yes.

I did.

I never thought I would be writing those words, but life happens, people.

Late in the evening, after much drinking on the part of some parties, my cousin Celeste, who I hope has been drinking heavily all day because Lord have mercy if she does this sober, there is no hope for her, stops to talk to us, “us” being my mom, Jenny, Jenny’s boyfriend, my cousin Angie, Primo, and me.

Celeste appears, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other.

Celeste: I’m going to tell you something that no one ever told me.

Jenny: What’s that?

Celeste: You don’t have to marry someone to (screw[1]) him.

I gasp, then give an embarrassed laugh. She said this in front of my mother! My mom doesn’t cuss and she sure doesn’t use the F-word. I have never in my entire life heard her say anything stronger than “shit” and she uses that only rarely. If I use “bitch” on my non-secret blog (the one she knows about and the one that Primo told his mom and dad about), I will get an email from her asking if it’s really necessary to use that language.

Usually, it’s not. Not necessary, I mean. Usually, I am just being lazy.

Me: Is that why you’ve been married four times? You’ve been doing it like they do in Hollywood – getting married instead of dating?

Celeste: Yep. I didn’t know. I didn’t know you could just (screw) ‘em instead of marrying ‘em.

I look at Primo and shrug. See? I have crazy, obnoxious people in my family, too. It’s not just him. Once you get a certain number of people in a family, you are almost guaranteed to have some weirdness. I got an “A” in probability and statistics in grad school. I understand this stuff.

She steps closer to Primo, leans over, and licks him on the cheek.

Then she licks Jenny’s boyfriend on the cheek.

Then she leaves.

Nobody speaks. What do you say?

• I have never seen someone lick another person like that.
• She licked my boyfriend. In front of me.

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[1] That’s not the word she used. She used the other one. I do some cussing, but I draw the line at that word, at least in cases where my mom will be listening or reading. Except – my mom doesn’t know about this blog. What to do, what to do?

Ch 3 What a person eats at a fish fry

We eat a ton. Fried fish – my uncle has been fishing for weeks to build up the supply. He dredges the fish in a beer batter with a pinch of baking soda, then fries it. They know how to fry fish in Wisconsin.

There are what are called "salads," rolls, and dessert. Desserts. Lots of desserts.

By definition, I believe a salad is a mixture of ingredients that are not cooked after they are mixed. Technically, the dish consisting of apples, whipped cream and sliced Snickers bars for which one finds the recipe in almost any church cookbook, is a salad.

Ha.

There is my grandmother’s apple strudel, which is excellent. She does not peel her apples.

There is beer. Almost everyone drinks. I don't because beer does not taste good to me, but in Wisconsin? It's what for breakfast.

Primo meets my grandmother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, my brother, and my sister – and they are all nice to him.

Ch 3 Primo meets my mom and she looooves him, which I knew she would

My aunt Aggie makes us a huge breakfast with bacon, ham, eggs, coffeecake, and muffins because she does not want us to starve during the 50-minute drive to Rita and Larry’s lake place.

We don’t starve.

Even if we had been in danger of starving, we would have had provisions. Aggie sent a package of muffins and coffeecake with us. And raspberry jam that she made herself.

As soon as we get to Rita and Larry’s place, my mom runs up to us and says, "You must be Primo! I’m so happy to finally meet you!"

She hugs him, grabs his hand, and takes him away from me, saying, “Come tell me all about yourself! Let’s get you something to eat first. Would you like a beer?”

Just like Sly and Doris! Welcoming and offering food from the very first second!

I kid. I kid.

But yeah. I am kind of obsessed with the whole food/hospitality/guest thing, because Sly and Doris are the first people I have ever met who did not offer me food the second I crossed their threshold. Are they the outliers or am I?

Ch 3 My uncle tells me my dad would have liked Primo, which OF COURSE he would have, but it’s nice to have a second opinion

Denny tells me, “Your father would have liked him. I don’t know so much about his politics, but you know what? They don’t matter. He’s a good one. Hold on to him.”

Ch 3 We stay with my uncle Denny and aunt Aggie, who have a gun rack in the guest room, which freaks Primo a little bit and I tell him not to worry it has been YEARS since my uncle last shot anyone

We fly to Minneapolis and rent a car because even though I expect parents to pick up their children, even adult children, at the airport, I do not expect aunts and uncles or cousins to do so, especially when the visit is not a duty visit to keep the parents happy but something I am doing because I want to.

I also do not expect a parent to drive 150 miles to pick up a child from the airport. Fifty miles, yes. One hundred fifty, nope. That is not in the rules.

My aunt Aggie takes Primo to the guest room to drop off our bags. Mine go in the guest room, his go in the computer room, where there is a sofa bed.

Primo: There is a GUN RACK! In the GUEST ROOM!

Me: Of course there is a gun rack. My uncle Denny hunts. My other uncles hunt. My cousins hunt. This is Wisconsin. People hunt here.

Primo: In the GUEST ROOM!

Me: OK.

Primo: And there are crucifixes everywhere.

Me: Uh huh.

This is nothing unusual for me – to see signs of religion in a home. My family prays before meals. We went to church and Sunday school when I was a kid. My mom keeps the Palm Sunday fronds. My grandma Sylvia had a little holy water thingy by the front door. This is normal for me.

Primo has never seen this sort of thing before. I am pretty sure Sly and Doris would be rolling their eyes.

Primo and my uncle discuss politics while they grill the steak for supper.

My uncle never went to college. He took over the family business, a small car dealership and a garage, which employs about a dozen people, after my grandfather died, and has started other businesses since. He goes to church every week, if not more often. My aunt and uncle’s pattern is the gym at 5:30 a.m., early Mass, then breakfast and on to whatever the day has, including work, chopping wood, working in their half-acre garden, and/or golf. Not drinking.

They are in their late 70s, btw.

Primo: Your uncle disagrees with me, but he’s not nasty or mean. He really wants to understand why I think the way I do.

Me: You mean he’s polite to you? He talks to you? You mean he doesn’t imply that the only reason you could hold your beliefs is because you are stupid? Who knew you could approach things that way?

Primo: I know, I know.

Me: And yet, your parents are the tolerant ones.

Primo: Your aunt and uncle are really nice. They’re wrong about everything, but they’re nice.

Me: What’s more important? That they have the proper beliefs or that they be decent human beings?

Primo: According to my dad, it’s more important to be right.

Me: That explains a lot.

Ch 3 August We are going to a family reunion/fish fry where Primo will meet not only my mother but many of my 16 aunts and uncles and 26 first cousins but you know what? They will be nice to him and offer him food

My aunt Rita and uncle Larry throw a big fish fry every summer at their lake place in Wisconsin.

We’re going. Primo will be fine being thrown into the mosh pit of my family.

At least I know people will be polite to him. Although my grandmother does things like offer the lion’s share of the good treats to the men because they are men (my mom says, “Nope. They haven’t been baling hay all day. We can share this treat equally”), she is a generous, kind person who just wants the people around her to be happy and very well fed.

And at least there will be food. Good luck to Primo getting away with eating not very much, because in my family, food is how you show hospitality and love and may God have mercy on your soul if a guest is hungry in your domain. Saying there will be food at an event with my family – at any visit with my family – is like saying that the sun will rise in the east tomorrow. It’s a big, “Duh of course.”

Ch 2 Primo wants creamed onions for his birthday, which I guess is OK, but I am trying to move beyond Campbell’s soup as an ingredient (except for in King Ranch casserole, where it is essential), not because I am a food snob but it has so much salt

Me: What should we have for your birthday?

Primo: Steak.

Me: What else?

Primo: I don't know. Creamed onions. We could have creamed onions.

Me: I don't want to be cooking all day.

Primo: All you do is throw the stuff in a pot and heat it!

Me: What?! No! You have to make a cream sauce, which means starting with a roux and then adding milk. It's some work. And then there is peeling all those onions.

Primo: But you just open a can of soup. That's all.

Me: Soup?

Primo: It's my mom's recipe. I want you to make my mom's recipe.

Me: Ummmmmm. Cooking does not strike me as your mom’s thing.

Primo: It's just Cream of Shrimp soup, some sherry, and the onions, which you buy frozen and peeled.

Me: So – alcohol is involved –

Primo: It is my parents.

Me: And – not much else.

Primo: I like it.

Me: Fine. It’s your birthday.

Ch 2 Doris sends Primo a present that she should know he would never want

Doris sends Primo a birthday present – a brown Hawaiian shirt from a store in Florida.

I have known Primo for less than two years. That is, I have known Primo for a lot less time than Sly and Doris have. (Not that Sly was involved in the gift selection. That is Women’s Work.)

In that time, I have learned

·        Primo does not wear brown.

·         He does not wear Hawaiian shirts.

“But I never wear anything like this!” he says. “Doesn’t she even look? Doesn’t she see what I wear when I visit? I have never in my life worn a shirt like this.”

Blue. He wears blue. The man has close to 100 blue shirts. I counted all the blue shirts in his closet. Blueblueblue. Blue is what he wears. No brown. Not one single brown shirt.

I was looking at a coffee-table travel book with Henry, our friends’ little boy. He saw a photo of a man wearing a blue shirt on a camel.

Me: Who’s that?

Henry: I think it’s Uncle Primo!

Me: No. I don’t think Primo has ever been on a camel.

Henry: But – he’s wearing a blue shirt!

Ch 2 Sly tells Primo to spend over $100 on garden lights as a Mother’s Day present for Doris and it ticks me off even though really, it is none of my business

Am I the only person in the world who hates Mother’s Day and its evil twin, Valentine’s Day? I hate them. I hate stupid mandatory holidays. I love my mother every day, not just Mother’s Day. I get her a Mother’s Day card because it would hurt her feelings for the day to pass unnoticed and because I love her and I don’t want her feelings to be hurt, but it’s not my favorite thing to do.

I already told Primo that he does not have to do anything ever as long as we are together for Valentine’s Day.[1] Doing something nice for someone because Hallmark says so? No.

Although of course good chocolate is always welcome. But you don’t need a day for that.

So I am annoyed when Sly orders Primo to get Doris a Mother’s Day present – an expensive one.

My mom gets a card! A card! And that’s fine!

Although really, I do not have standing to be annoyed. Primo and I are not married. We do not share money or other resources. His doing for Doris does not take away from me.

But it’s still annoying.

Primo: My dad told me my mom wants these garden lights for Mother’s Day.

He leans back from his computer so I can see the product page.

Me: But those cost $100! And then there is shipping!

Primo: That’s what she wants.

Me: For Mother’s Day? That is an awful lot of money to spend on Mother’s Day. In my family, we do cards and that’s about it. Even if this were a Christmas present, it would be something my brother, sister, and I would go in together on. We are not in the habit of spending $100 on gifts.

Primo: Oh, they don’t spend that on me! I am supposed to spend that on them!

---

[1] See, “Primo takes the dead rat out of my basement.”

Ch 2 What Primo wishes for

Me: Until I met you, I never mixed leftovers in Tupperware containers.

Primo: Why not?

Me: I never thought of it. But it's a good idea.

Primo: The next things I'm going to hear you say are, "Until I met you, I wasn't a liberal and I didn't like having fingers stuck in my bellybutton."

Me: Yeah. Don't hold your breath on those.

Ch 2 Primo freaks out about a broken TJMAxx vase that cost only $15, which is only three in beer units – it’s not like it was Ming or anything

A vase sitting on top of Primo’s fridge falls to the ground and shatters into pieces.

I start picking up the glass.

Primo freaks out. Total Drama.

Primo: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Me: Relax! It's just a cheap vase from TJMaxx!

Primo: How did this happen? How? HOW?

Me: I don’t know. I suppose that each time the refrigerator door was opened, the vase moved a tiny bit. Let's just clean this up and get out of here.

Primo: But how did this happen? It has to be someone’s fault!

Me: No it doesn’t. Sometimes things are just accidents. 

Primo: But I have to understand! How did this happen? It shouldn’t have happened!

Me: It fell. That’s what happened. And now we clean it up. That’s all.

Primo: No! I have to understand.

Me: Why? Sometimes things happen and they are nobody’s fault.

Primo: No. It has to be someone’s fault.

Me: No it doesn’t. Just what was it like in your house when you were a kid? What happened if you spilled milk or something?

Primo: I got in trouble.

Me: No, no, no. I mean when you were little. It's one thing to get in trouble when you're seven and your dad has been warning you to stop goofing off. It's another when you are four. Four year olds have accidents. Big deal.

Primo: I told you, I got in trouble. My dad would scream at me.

Me: At a little kid? When you were little?

I get the little hand broom and the dustpan and start sweeping.

Primo: Yes.

Me: Really screaming. Not just a little bit of chastising?

Primo: Screaming.

Me: When you were little.

Primo: Yes.

Me: Little little?

Primo: Yes!

Me: Did that happen a lot?

Primo: Yes. He punched me when I was a teenager.

He plugs in the vacuum cleaner

Me: Punched?  Like – closed fist – punch?

Primo: I weighed about 90 pounds. Well – you’ve seen my dad. He’s big. And he was strong back then. He gave me a black eye.

Me: Wow. People call the cops for that kind of thing now.

Primo: Didn’t your dad hit you?

Me: He spanked us when I was little but stopped when I was five. That means my brother would have been four and my sister was three. He said he realized it was not a good idea to hit his own children.

Ch 2 Sly and Doris complain about Michael and Maria's lack of initiative and I am bitter thinking about all the times my grandparents complained about me BUT WAIT! THEY NEVER DID THAT!

Primo: Look at the email my mom and dad sent. They wonder why their grandchildren do not want to spend time with them.

We’ve tried to encourage Michael's love of basketball by steering him through two basketball camps and giving him advice on what he needed to work on to make the school basketball team. But he chose not to bulk up, tone himself, or increase his stamina. Obviously without the necessary hard work he wasn’t picked after team tryouts. For whatever reasons, he seems bound to diminish his innate talents by making unwise life-choices. He is counting on scholarships but has done little or no research about colleges that would be appropriate and/or affordable.

Ch 2 Primo thinks I will help him clean out Sly and Doris’ house after they die but no way am I getting involved in that mess

Primo: I know you're looking forward to cleaning out my parents' place after they die.

Me: I'm not doing that.

Primo: But what if I have to? Aren't you going to help?

Me: Sure. I’ll tell Salvation Army to come get everything.

Primo: But there might be stuff I want to keep.

Me: What, like the eight-year old Pittsburgh newspapers in the closet of the guest room?

Primo: No. But I'll have to go through everything in case there's something I might need someday.

Me: You’re on your own on that one, baby. I haven’t been to a wedding in a while, but I don’t think, “Help clean out your husband’s parents’ house” is part of the vows. It’s definitely not going to be in our vows.

Ch 2 March Sly asks Primo if he has ever seen Deep Throat and I reminisce about all the times my dad and I talked about porn – oh wait – that never happened because my father had a firm understanding of what’s appropriate, appropriate being you do not talk to your children, even your adult children, about your sex life and/or porn

Remember how we talked about Sly and his apparent lack of boundaries?

Hmm. If you don’t remember, let me remind you:

·         He offered his shower to Primo and me even though I was reluctant to share a bedroom with Primo under his roof

·         He told me that he and Doris shower together all the time

·         He told Primo about his Viagra use.

Here is Exhibit D re Sly’s Lack of Boundaries and His Total Cluelessness about Appropriate Conversations with His Adult Child.

Primo: You will not believe what my dad asked me.

Me: What?

Primo: He asked if I had ever seen “Deep Throat.”

Me: Your dad asked if you have ever watched a famous porn movie?

Primo: Yes.

Me: Does your dad know what the word “boundary” means? He was an English professor. I would expect he would know the definitions of common words.

Primo: Nope. Anyhow, he said that he and my mother had watched it.

Me: Oh you wanted to know that. Wait. Your dad admits to you that he watches porn?

Primo: Yes.

Me: But why? Why would he share that?

Primo: I don’t know. I know he watches online porn.

Me: He told you?

Primo: No, but when I have worked on his computer, I have seen his browsing history and his bookmarks.

Me: That is gross. I mean, I don’t care, I guess, but that’s not the kind of thing you share with someone.

Primo: And he said that there have been many women who threw themselves at him but he has turned them all down. There was even a man who offered to trade wives with him, because the man's wife was hot for my dad.

Me: Would it shock you if I told you I find that hard to believe? Not that your dad would tell you that kind of thing, although to be honest, I do find even that a bit shocking, but that women would throw themselves at your dad.

Primo: Nope.