For those who don't believe, Number Three

I am 28
I am in grad school and I work for a finance professor. I really like Prof S. He's brilliant and funny and nice.

I like him in the way I like all brilliant, funny, and nice men my mother's age.

He's a nice guy who is my mother's age. As in, he is OLD.

And he is married.

But even if he weren't married, he would be OLD.

He calls me to tell me I can't work for him anymore.

"My wife doesn't like me working with nubile young women," he says.

I am confused.

Since when am I nubile? Have I been nubile around him? I am a bespectacled, slightly-chubby, ordinary-looking woman who gets her hair cut at SuperCuts (grad school, remember?) and who wears baggy jeans and sweatshirts. Is that nubile?

He paid $20/hour. I needed the money.


I am 33
After I return from the Peace Corps, I go back to Austin to look for work. I use the placement office at the business school and run into Prof S. He needs some work done and hires me. I am grateful. I work at his school office and at his house. I am careful to look not nubile in both places. I have met his wife. I don't want to offend her or prompt her to ask Prof S to fire me.

I use Prof S as a reference. He talks to the people who hire me in Miami.

Me: What did they ask? Do I know Black Scholes? Can I calculate an NPV?

Prof S: If you come to work on time.

Me: I am a top graduate - a 4.0 GPA - of a top business program and they asked you if I come to work on time?

Prof S: Yes.

I start my new job. My new boss got his MBA at Chicago, where Prof S also teaches. Turns out my new boss had a class with Prof S. Small world!

There is a problem with one of my paychecks from Prof S. I call him to straighten it out.

Prof S: How are you liking Miami?

Me: I love it!

Prof S: I've never been to Miami.

Me: Well, you and Mrs Prof S need to visit. It's a great city.

Prof S: I would like to visit.

Me: I have a spare bedroom. You guys are welcome to stay.

Prof S: Mrs Prof S can't come.

Me: Oh....

Prof S: Are you dating anyone?

Me: Nope. Out of practice.

Prof S: I could come and we could practice sex together.

Me: What?

Prof S: You and me. We could practice sex together.

Me: Stop! STOP! You are a married man! Do not talk to me like this!

I tell my boss immediately. "Can you believe he talked to me like that?"

My boss cannot believe it. But - he believes me.

For those who don't believe, Number Two

I am 22
I am in my first job out of college. I have traveled to the Albuquerque office to give a training session about a new product. I am 22 and a woman. The people in the office are almost all men and range in age from early 20s to early 60s.

I am sitting at a desk making a phone call.

I feel hands on my neck.

Let me say that again.

I am AT WORK in an office where I do not know anyone. And I feel hands on my neck.

I feel hands on my neck and I freeze. The hands stroke my neck and shoulders. The hands gently squeeze my neck and shoulders.

I remove the phone from my ear and my arm freezes. I stop speaking. I stop speaking from shock. I stop speaking because I don't even know the words to say.


I am 22
I am still at the Albuquerque office. A group of us are at lunch, including the neck massager.

He asks, "Would you like to have dinner tonight?"

I don't know what to say. No, of course I don't want to have dinner with you, you creepy old man! I don't want to have dinner with a stranger. I don't want to spend my after-work hours with someone from work. And I especially don't want to have dinner with an old man like you!

But - I don't know what to say.

And - I have to protect a man's ego, don't I? I can't shame him! Because men's feelings are more important than women's feelings.

I think desperately. What do I say? How do I get out of this?

Can I say he's too old for me?

No! That would be rude.

So I say, "I think I might be too young for you."

His friends laugh and his face turns red.

The then-me was horrified and concerned.

The now-me thinks, "That's what you get, asshole, for preying on a young woman at work."

For those who don't believe, Number One

And these aren't even bad. I wasn't hurt. I was ashamed for some of them, but - never hurt.

But in almost every case, my wishes, my voice, my space - subordinate to what a man wanted. There are men like this.

I am five
I am at the park across the street from our apartment with my friend. We are playing on the swings.

This is back in the days when parents would let their children go to the park alone. I still think it's OK to let children go to a park alone. Just teach them.

My friend and I are playing. A man sits on the swing next to us. I notice he has some weird pink thing on his lap.

I realize that the pink thing is his penis. I have a brother. I have seen a penis before. And even though I am only five, I know that a penis is not something you show to other people.

Then he asks us if we want to go into the men's room with him.

We run back to my apartment and tell my mother, who calls the police immediately.

My friend says he had long hair and was wearing jeans. I remember that he had short hair and was wearing khakis. (I doubt I knew the word "khakis" at that age, but whatever.) We disagree on every aspect of the story except

• He had a pink thing in his lap, a pink thing that was his penis
• He asked us to go into the men's room with him

I am eight

We live on a military base in Spain. A  military base has controlled access. This one has a barbed-wire fence around the perimeter; that perimeter is patrolled. You do not get though the gate without proper identification. If you wanted to walk or drive onto the air force base near where you live, you probably would not be allowed to.

My sister and I are walking home from school. 

We are walking home from school in an area with controlled access.

A man - not in uniform - approaches us. His penis is hanging out of his pants.

I am twelve

My friend and I are walking home from school. It's the middle of the afternoon. 

You know where this is going. A man walks toward us with his penis hanging out of his pants.

Honestly. What do these guys think will happen? That we will be so entranced that we will forget that we are just little girls and decide that we want to play with that thing? Even as an adult, I don't understand the purpose of penis photos. Are they supposed to make me interested? Titillate me? What is the point?

The Candidate's Wife: Every time I think there is nothing more to write about, there is

You guys, I have not been writing much. Primo has backed way out of politics, which means - not much political stuff to write about.

I mean, sure, there is a ton of political stuff to write about, but - I am not interested in writing about politics.

I am interested in writing about the politics of politics - the backroom dealings, the brother against brother stuff, the pitting of the county mayor against the county board, even though they are allegedly on the same side but in real life, they hate each others' guts and do everything they can to undermine each other because it's not about standing next to each other and doing what's best for the county, it's about each of them doing what's best for themselves and that's a point that Primo doesn't ever see because he is such an idealist but I am cynical and after spending a lot more time around politicians than most people do, have a very low opinion of them.

But - even with Primo being mostly out of the game, there is stuff happening:

1. The mayor sought out Primo's challenger, whom he had never met before, and told her he would endorse her.

Not that Primo doesn't want the mayor to do this - but Primo has met the mayor on many occasions and has helped so many people in their campaigns and - the mayor never offered to endorse him. This is not a game for people who have feelings.

2. People are still angry that Primo withdrew from the race. Every time Primo does attend some political event, people approach him to express their discontent.

May I note here that these people did not donate money to his campaign, volunteer to campaign for him, put his signs in their yard, or even share his facebook posts.

If you don't support a candidate, you don't get to be mad when the candidate decides not to run.

Interestingly, almost all the people who donated to Primo's campaign told him to keep the money. He called every donor and offered to return the money. I think all but one or two said, "Nope. You have already had expenses. And if those expenses are covered, please just give the money to another candidate."

3. Primo's wonderful, sweet political fairy godfather - I can't remember what I have named him here, but he is the one who prepared all the food for Primo's karaoke fundraiser a few years ago - has been talking to the gubernatorial candidate about a job for Primo in the new administration if the candidate wins.

Primo didn't even ask FG to do so. Primo and I went to a fundraiser a few weeks ago and FG was there. After making us a plate of food to take with us - we had only a few minutes, FG told Primo that he thinks Primo would be really good in an appointed position.

I agree.

I think Primo would make very well thought out laws, but the process of getting to those laws? And the process of even being elected?

That's not his thing. He's not competitive enough and he's not a compromiser because how can you compromise if you believe something is right? (This is a nice way of saying Primo is not flexible, but in his world, 2+2=4 and that's just how it is.)(Which is how you want someone designing a microchip that will run an airplane to think.)(But which doesn't work so well in politics.)

Anyhow. We shall see. Maybe Primo will stay in the political world after all.

Which means I will have juicy stories for you.

The Candidate's Wife: The winner of the Other Side's primary is such a loser that it may be possible for Our Side's candidate (AKA The Challenger) to win

Primo: I could have beaten this guy! I can't believe he won the [Other Side's] primary!

Me: Me, neither! I thought everyone knew he was a total loser! Especially after that debacle in the legislature!

[Loser Candidate held another state-level elected office and - without going into great detail - completely screwed it up. I mean, total, total loser. Even my friend at work who is very Other Side and lives in our district was shaking his head about that one.]

Primo: I guess all people care about is if they've heard the name before.

Me: You could have beaten him.

Primo: I know.

Me: Do you care?

Primo: Nope. I keep wondering if I'll regret my decision, but - I am really happy!

The Candidate's Wife: Primo gets an unsolicited offer for unsolicited advice from someone who badmouthed him

There's this guy. Let's call him Otto. (I was going to use "Bob" but I think I have already used it.)

Anyhow.

Months ago, Otto was pissed that Primo wouldn't put up a yard sign for Otto's candidate in the city council election.

He had messaged Primo on facebook to ask if Primo wanted Otto's candidate's yard sign.

Primo had answered, "I'm voting for her but haven't decided whether to publicly endorse. I sat down with [her opponent] and it seems to me that he is quite reasonable."

As in, Primo didn't have strong feelings one way or another about these two candidates because he thought they were both decent.

Otto answered, "Hmmmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I rather prefer politicians that commit."

Which fine - Otto is totally allowed to have that opinion.

But then he started trash talking Primo to other people, including one of Primo's really good political friends, who shared everything with Primo. So we know.

Today, this happened.

Otto: are you taking a break from running for office?

Primo: Probably not "taking a break," but I don't have a long-term plan for doing (or not doing) anything specific. Why do you ask?

Otto: Just thinking about you. FWIW - I'm still willing to provide advice, etc. if you begin thinking about candidacy again in the future.

Primo: Thanks. You are a community leader on an important issue. Perhaps we should sit down and talk someday instead of just trading occasional facebook messages.

*****

Me: What a jerk!

Me: "Still" willing to provide advice?

Me: What standing does he have to provide advice anyhow?

Me: Meet with him so I can write about it.

The Candidate's Wife: Primo calls his contributors to tell them why he is withdrawing and asks them if they want their money back

Fortunately, most of them say no.

I say "fortunately" because campaigning is not a money-making endeavor and Primo has already paid his campaign manager and paid the graphic artist who designed his door lit and paid for a few fundraising events (which - never raise that much money because we do not know rich people) and paid the hosting fees for his website.

That is, the campaign has incurred expenses along the way.

Most donors say they know Primo has already incurred expenses, so either use their money to pay for those expenses or give the money to other good candidates.

It is not easy, to call people who have so generously given you money because they believe in you and want you to win.

It feels like you are letting them down.

It feels like you are betraying their trust.

But Primo does it.

And people are kind and generous and they understand - pretty much any rational person has no interest in running for public office. That's why they were excited about Primo - he is different. He is not in it for ego or power. He is not in it for himself.

He said, "I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I've had a successful career. I can return to that career if I want. I wasn't trying to gain power or make a name for myself. I have other things in my life. I just wanted to make things better for other people."

And he's sincere when he says that. He is wrong :) in some of the ways he wants to get things done, but he really was not on a power trip.

Which is why it's OK for someone else to run when that someone else shares his beliefs.

And why I think his donors don't feel like they've been lied to or cheated. It was never about Primo. Ever.

The Candidate's Wife: Primo goes to a campaign event for The Challenger

who wrote,

Thanks to everyone who came! The Challenger here, and I have a few things I'd like to say. I'll post 2 now, and another later when I have a few more minutes. These two are people I forgot to thank last night- I realized it later in the evening.

First, Primo. As many of you might know, Primo was my primary opponent until he endorsed me. Primo has long cared for our district, and he came last night to support the Kickoff--- which shows what a class act he is.

Primo has been tremendously supportive of our campaign, and we appreciate him for that. Thanks, Primo, for coming, and for all your support!

which was very nice, I thought.

Because I am lazy and because it's funny

The Candidate's Wife: Primo talks The Challenger off the ledge after someone tells her she has to raise $100,000 to be a credible candidate

This is the bullshit people tell candidates. That you have to raise a ton of money and then spend it.

Yes, money is important to campaigning because graphic artists do not (nor should they) work for free. Printers do not (nor should they) work for free. Campaign managers do not (nor should they) work for free, although if any of you ever even think of hiring the campaign manager Primo had for his first campaign, please let me talk you out of it.

Also - if you hire a campaign manager - and we LOVE Primo's former campaign manager - please write some sort of agreement about what CM will do. CM did earn his money by listening to Primo's angst, but I would have liked some more objective accomplishments.

But I digress.

It does cost money to run a campaign. Clipboards cost money. Stamps cost money. Gas costs money. Even a DIY campaign from your own house, where you are not paying rent on a campaign office, costs money.

But boots on the ground and the zeitgeist matter more than almost anything else, I think. There are candidates who spend 20 % or 10% of what their opponents spend and still win. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez raised a lot less money than her incumbent opponent but yet she won. Her message resonated with voters. She resonated with voters.

And honestly? I am happy to see a ten-term incumbent ousted. Nobody should hold an office for ten terms. Nobody. Nobody is that good. And being in office takes you further from voters, not closer to them. They work for us. They should understand our lives.

Back to the money. The money is necessary. There are expenses, even in a grassroots campaign. But if you can capture the hearts of voters, you can do without expensive TV ads. You can do without being rich or having rich friends.

The Challenger does not need $100,000. She needs a great message and voters who are tired of this crap.

The Candidate's Wife: The architect who implied that Primo was racist because we did not want high-density housing replacing the church parking lot two blocks from our house is upset that Primo dropped out of the primary because he felt like Primo owed him something? Not sure

Primo: The architect? For those apartments?

Me: Yes. The one who kept telling you that high-density housing increases property values? Which is why you see so much of it in rich neighborhoods?

Primo: Yes. He is upset that I dropped out of the primary.

Me: Why? Why does he care?

Primo: He thinks I have an obligation to the voters.

Me: But - you and The Challenger agree on the issues. So it's not like the voters have lost a voice.

Primo: He thinks I should have fought it out with her.

Me: About what? You guys agree!

Primo: He said that point of a primary is to "sharpen the sword."

Me: So - did he ever give money to your campaign? Did he ever volunteer to do doors for you? Did he volunteer to phone bank for you? Did he want a yard sign? Did he share your facebook posts and ask his friends to vote for you? Did he come to any of your events?

Primo: Nope.

Me: So - he wants a sharp sword but he doesn't want to do any of the work.

Primo: Exactly.

The Candidate's Wife: Primo asks The Challenger why she didn't talk to him before she announced she was running and she says she knew he would try to talk her out of it WHICH IS TRUE

Oh yeah. I meant to post this yesterday.

So not much more to say about this. Primo and The Challenger have become friends. They now speak honestly. And he asked her why she didn't talk to him before announcing, which apparently is comme il faut, but

1. The Challenger is not a party insider and
2. She didn't know the rules and
3. Even if she had known the rules, so what? Who says that we have to abide by unspoken rules made by groups in which we are not participants?

Primo and I argue about that principle a lot. Example - he comes down hard on people who do not speak standard English.

(OK - I know the rules about standard English are not unspoken - just go with it.)

I point out that there is no intrinsic right or wrong about language.

He, the son of a snobbish English professor, insists that there is Right English and Wrong English and One Must Speak Correctly.

I say Right English is whatever is imposed by the dominant culture but that speaking non-standard English does not make someone morally corrupt.

He thinks it makes someone Wrong Wrong Wrong not to speak properly. That's one of the reasons it takes him so long to compose an email or a facebook post - he has to make sure it's perfect.

Clearly, as evidenced by this blog, I do not spend hours copyediting. (Blogger is telling me that I am spelling "copyediting" wrong.)

Language, I tell him, is just dialect with an army.

I finally convinced him.

Well, I didn't. A young woman did.

We saw a play at a local college that an African American student wrote about the African American experience. In it, she talks about how if white people can learn to pronounce names like Pfieffer and Ziegler, we can take a minute to learn how to pronounce African American names.

And - he was convinced.

So I won.

And yes - Primo would have tried to talk The Challenger out of running. She was worried she would have let him convince her. So I am glad she didn't talk to him! I am happy that Primo is out of this game.

#NotDeadYet #WaitSheIsDead

This came for Doris.

1. Doris is dead. She has been dead for three years.
2. Doris never lived at our address.
3. Companies that sell mailing lists apparently do not validate their lists against the "Deceased do not contact" list. Or - maybe they do?
4. Doris never owned a timeshare.
5. I guess timeshare owners are presumed to be unable to use the internet?
6. Keep sending junk mail, you idiots. Using paper helps the stability of my potential pension and using the USPO keeps my first-class mail rates down.

The Candidate's Wife: Primo writes a lovely letter explaining why he is withdrawing from the race and gets more accolades from that then he ever did for running, it seems

So there you go.

Not only did he withdraw from the race, he endorsed The Challenger.

"I think you would like her," he says. "She is very nice."

The Candidate's Wife: To endorse or not to endorse - Reader's Digest version because the actual transcript would bore you to tears

Me: No.

Primo: Maybe.

Me: Nononono.

Primo: Maybe.

Me: Why should you?

Primo: Party unity.

Me: Screw the party.

Primo: I know.

Me: Honestly. Why should she get your literal political capital?

Primo: Because I still want her to win the seat because it's good for my side and because after spending time with her yesterday, I like her.

Me: Uh huh.

Primo: She is really very nice.

Me: But we don't like her!

Primo: I know...

Me: BUT WE DON'T LIKE HER!

Primo: But - after talking to her, I realize she is actually very nice.

Me: And Not Running Again! And Other Political Guy Who Tweeted About Her!

Primo: I asked her about that. NRA is her neighbor. She's never even met OPG and was horrified at the idea of developing that land.

Me: She seems clueless. Her issues...

Primo: We might have been wrong about that. I asked her about the human trafficking. She said that she has been working at weddings in our district and has seen women being taken to rooms - women she knows are victims of human trafficking.

Me: I hate being wrong. Were we wrong about EVERYTHING?

Primo: I don't know. Her speeches are bad.

Me: But only because she hasn't had practice.

Primo: Yes. I was bad at first.

Me: And then you listened to me and got better.

Primo: I think I might endorse her.

Me: But we don't like her!

Primo: But maybe we do? She really is very nice.

Me: OH MAN. I HATE LOSING.

Primo: It's the right thing to do.