Wednesday, November 11, 2015

In which Sly is back in the hospital and we are probably not going to be able to go on vacation in two weeks and I am super depressed about it

Primo called. I don't want to talk. I am tired. I am tired of this rollercoaster and I know Primo is even more tired and even more cranky than I am. I know we are probably not going to be able to go on the vacation that we have been planning for a year - to spend ten days in a cottage on the Lake Superior shore, out of cellphone range, away from everything except the water and the loons.

I am angry that Sly will not die and will not get better.

But I take Primo's call.

He says with Sly back in the hospital, Ted might want to come back to Florida.

"Good," I say. "He can take over for you for two weeks so we can go on vacation."

"I can't do this any more," Primo said. "Jack called at midnight to tell me dad was back in the hospital. I guess they called him instead of me because he has a local number. So I drove back to the hospital and was there two hours and then went home and I am tired. I am numb. I feel awful for saying this, but if my dad died, it would be a relief."

And how.

"We are not going to be able to go on vacation," I said.

"If we don't go now, we will go in September. It will be cold and we will have to build a fire, but we will go."

"What if your dad is still in the hospital?"

"I will not deal with it any more. And if he's not, I will be relaxing in September. I will not be looking for a job."

Which of course ticks me off. "That was not the deal!"

"You cannot expect me to look for a job if I have spent almost a year taking care of my parents!"

"You cannot expect ME to be the one who suffers as a result of THEIR refusal to make ANY provisions for their future ill health!"

OK. That's not how it happened. There was a fight. I was pissed because Primo wrote something earlier that if we went on vacation in two weeks, we could pay a CNA or a companion to spend time with Sly and I read that as we could use our money to pay for someone to get Sly to drink water and I was livid because Sly has a lot more money than we do and it is not our job to make him drink water.

We fought. We fought and that's the part I remember,  not the details. Primo is exhausted and I am exhausted and we are both angry and I am even angrier that I am having to sacrifice on behalf of someone who does not deserve it and why should Sly live to be 81 when my dad, who was NICE and PEOPLE LOVED HIM, died at 62?

Then I got really angry because I thought Primo hung up on me only he had driven through a dead spot.

I am so tired and so migraine-y that I can't remember any details except that Primo used logic to convince me that being unemployed for 18 months is not much worse than being unemployed for 12 months, especially when you can say that the reason you were unemployed was dealing with parental illness and death.

Then Primo tells me that his dad said that if his heart stops, he does not want to be resuscitated and I asked, Do they have that in writing?

I am a bitch.

But I also am not so evil that I want Sly's suffering to drag on. If he is going to die, I want him to die now. I mean, of course he is going to die. But I would rather he die tomorrow than die in 30 days after more suffering. He is in the hospital with a feeding tube and a rectal tube. He is the most miserable he has ever been, he told Primo. Nobody should have to live like that.

If he is going to get better, I want him better tomorrow.

I am done with having Primo be gone and with all this drama.


  1. I find your belief that people should love their partents according to how nice and good they were naive . Of course Primo loves his father. He can be a jerk it does not
    mean you can turn of this kind of filial care. Someone having a loving family and happy childhood can have trouble really feeling this point, but just because someone is a horrible curdmugeorny old man, does not mean the child can turn of the need to be helpful . I say often if my dad did this to me they would see me never. But this is easy to say hard to do. People that have suffered through a bad parent have all sorts of complicated feelings.

    1. *urn off . sorry for my grammar, english is not my first language and also i must be dumb or smth today

  2. There is never a good time for these family poor health events, but there are worse times, and I'm sorry events are converging (or did converge) in ways that made things harder for you and Primo, and which look as if they will ruin your vacation.

  3. Oh dear, Goldie, I am so sorry. This is just awful - for all involved.

    What Ank said above is so true. You and I have talked (via the comment section) before about my disfunctional relationship with my mother. When her time comes, I'll have the same complicated feelings that Primo does with his dad. But the issue here isn't Primo, but you. How to feel sympathy for a man who has treated you horribly for many years and is now making your life even more difficult? You don't have the memories of the good Sly (and there must be some) that Primo has so it is hard to muster up sympathy for your tormenter.

    Obviously this is now over and I do believe that you and Primo are back on track (based on something I've read somewhere...). It's really a service for you to write about it so those of us who go through this will know that our feelings of just wanting it all to be over with - even if that end comes with a death - are perfectly normal.

    And...rectal tube, ouch. I'd want it end at that point, too.

  4. I realize it may have been the way you said it or the tone, but I don't think you're a bitch for asking if Sly's end of life preferences are documented somewhere so that Primo will have that on hand in case Ted (or somebody, but Ted seems the most likely candidate) wants to argue with him about "what Dad would want." I think that is logical and prudent.

    And I don't think it makes you a bitch to be frustrated by how much Primo is having to put into his father's care (with little to no help from his family, it seems like) and by missing him and by having to be his sounding board for all the things that are frustrating and upsetting him and all the other little niggling things going on. It makes you human.

    I realize this is all long over and I hope things are better. Eagerly awaiting the next installment....

  5. Sly's quality of life seems to be deteriorating quickly, and I wonder if the doctors have told his sons that, "Hang in there, it will get better?" It sounds like Sly is suffering a lot. I hope for his sake for a painless release sooner, rather than later. Of course, I want Primo to be released from his anxiety and suffering...but I feel for Sly, and that's saying a lot.