The Candidate's Wife: How an engineer packs (so not political, actually, unless one of you guys can think of a way to apply this to politics - I can't)

Me: I packed my Bon Appetit magazine. Where is it?

Primo: Oh. I moved it to a different suitcase.

Me: Why?

Primo: Because it was the only magazine in the pink suitcase. I put it with the other books.

Me: You mean you moved it for aesthetics.

Primo: Yes. It was the right thing to do.

Me: It's a suitcase. Of dirty clothes.

The Candidate's Wife: The story about the Opponent is on the news but they don't mention that Primo is already running in the race

Primo: [Campaign manager] just called me. They had it on the news that [Opponent] is running.

Me: Wow. That was fast.

Primo: Well, [Opponent] already holds a state office, so it's news, I guess. They didn't mention my name at all.

Me: Ouch.

Primo: [Campaign Manager] says I still might get some media calls.

Me: That would be good.

Primo: I am not supposed to say [Opponent's] name or refer to him in any way.

Me: That's what Ruthie told you when we saw her in Houston!

Primo: What?

Me: She was the campaign manager for that person for school board. When you were telling her about your campaign, she said, "That's the last time I ever want to hear your opponent's name* cross your lips. You never ever ever say it out loud again."

Primo: I won't!




* Actually the incumbent, but the point remains.

The Candidate's Wife: Primo gets an opponent

Primo: Whoa! This just got real!

Me: What happened?

Primo: The guy who blah blah blah ran blah blah blah filed today!

Me: Oh no!

Primo: No! He's on the other side!

Me: Oh - I thought you were being primaried.

Primo: No! He's on the other side. And he's AWFUL! This is GREAT!

Me: What makes him awful?

Primo: He's really extreme. His endorsements are from really extreme people - Extreme Person A, Extreme Person B, and Extreme Person C.

Me: Not the incumbent?

[NB The incumbent is running for a higher-level seat this election.]

Primo: Nope.

Me: Wait. The person who holds the seat currently is not endorsing the person on his side who is running for the seat now?

Primo: Nope.

Me: Wow.

Primo: And you know what else? [Nice Political Mentor Guy Who Knows Everyone] said he thinks [Incumbent] would rather have me win that seat than the guy on his side.

Me: He would rather have someone from the other side win than this guy?

Primo: Well, he would rather have me win than this guy. But yeah. He does not like this guy. [Political Mentor] says that [Incumbent] likes me.

Me: Why wouldn't he? You like him. He's a nice guy.* You just don't agree with each other.


* Which he is. We have met [Incumbent] a few times. He really is a nice guy.

The Candidate's Wife: He married the wrong woman

Primo: Hey! How come you are ironing those napkins?

Me: Because they look nicer when they are ironed.

Primo: I thought you were against ironing.

Me: Not against ironing napkins.

Primo: How come you don't ever want to iron my shirts?

Me: Because I am against ironing other peoples' clothes.

Primo: But shouldn't you be interested in ironing my clothes?

Me: You should have married an ironing woman instead of a golddigger.

The Candidate's Wife: How people use facebook BlessTheirHearts

Primo: I got a facebook message from an older lady who was mad at me.

Me: About what?

Primo: Some older people - they just don't get facebook.

Me: In which way?

Primo: She is really upset that I like [the governor's] page. She says I am not a true Democrat.

Me: Ah yes. Because you want to stay informed about what the opposition is doing.

Primo: She thinks I have betrayed the cause.

The Candidate's Wife: How an English major does a colonoscopy vs how an engineer does a colonoscopy

How an English major does a colonoscopy

• Two days before the procedure, follow the instructions
• Day before procedure, follow the instructions
• Day of procedure, follow the instructions

How an engineer does a colonoscopy

• Three days before procedure, ask wife to find the diet instructions in her email
• Read the diet instructions and complain
• Spend two days doing research about colonoscopy prep protocols, finding evidence that other GI clinics do not require the level of fasting that local clinic does
• Day of the prep, complain about being hungry
• Message wife at work citing various sources about fasting protocols

American medicine is behind the times. Recent studies have shown that it's OK to eat low-residue foods (like eggs) the day before a colonoscopy. I'm not going to do that, but our hospital is not doing it right.

The doctors are probably afraid of change.

I also found an Australian colonoscopy prep guide that says alcohol in moderation is fine as part of a low-residue diet. I do intend to drink a beer tonight. (What could that possibly hurt?)

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
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• 
  

• 
  
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• Message wife to tell her you are cranky
• Wait until 6 p.m. the day before the procedure to start the prep
• Accelerate the prep, drinking ten ounces instead of eight ounces of liquid every ten minutes - "I will be able to drink the entire amount in one hour!"
• Complain about being hungry
• Argue with wife, who is not a physician, about whether
• A beer is possible
• It is necessary to complete the second half of the prep liquid if certain conditions are already being met
• Complain about being hungry
• Morning of procedure, announce hunger
• After procedure, argue with nurse about fentanyl and whether driving in the evening will be OK

Co-worker's advice about husband: Don’t let him take the conversation into narrowly focused details — the nature of chemical compositions, the potential flaws in FDA testing, etc. It’s where engineers know they can win, but it’s a trap!

The Candidate's Wife: I suggest that Primo go to the Cub Scouts' pancake breakfast to campaign but then we agree that it seems so - so - sleazy

Me: The Cub Scouts are having a pancake breakfast next Sunday at St. Mathilda's. You should go.

Primo: Why?

Me: To get your name out there.

Primo: To campaign?

Me: Yes.

Primo: But that seems so wrong.

Me: You don't have to do a hard sell. Just talk to people.

Primo: But it's not even my church. It would seem so obvious.

Me: Yeah, I guess.

Primo: I don't think I can do that. If it were a church I already attended, that would be fine. But to go just to campaign?

Me: I know that people do do this. I just don't know how.

In which I get yet more catalogs that used to go to Doris

So I wrote a letter to the CEO.

                                                                                                                                                

Greg Sweeney, President and CEO

The Potpourri Group Inc.

101 Billerica Ave., Bldg. 2 N. Billerica, MA 01862

January 2, 2018

Dear Mr. Sweeney,

I am taking the desperate step of sending you a letter via the USPO as trying to stop your catalogs from coming to my house via regular channels is not working.

Since 2012, when my husband’s mother ordered something for me from one of your catalogs (I returned it because bless her heart, my late mother in law had horrible taste), I have been unable to stop the flow of catalogs.

By the way, I have not ordered a product from a paper catalog since I was in my 20s. I am a 54 years old, middle class, employed, married no children white female with an MBA. You may want to add this information to your “probably not a target demographic for us” list, as I do not think I am at all unusual.

Here are the things I have tried to get you to stop sending me catalogs: 

•         February 2012: Submitted a request via the Catalog Favorites website for catalogs to stop
•          April 2012: Submitted a request via the Catalog Favorites website for catalogs to stop
•          September 2015: My husband put his mother’s name, his father’s name, and their address on the Deceased Do Not Contact list. (Mother died May 2015, father died July 2015)
•          September 2015: My husband put in a forwarding order for his parents mail so he could get their mail at our house as he closed their estate.
•          At some point, you guys decided that a forwarding order trumped a “Deceased do not contact” order and started sending Doris’s catalogs to my home address.
•          I tried to get you to stop.

o    I don’t want your stuff

o    Even if I did want your stuff, I would not buy it from a catalog – I would go online

o    I really don’t want my dead mother in law’s mail

•          I submitted repeated requests to your websites, yet continued to get catalogs, to the point that yesterday, I got catalogs addressed to the request I sent you via your sites a few months ago

o    STOP SENDING YOUR CA OR CURRENT RESIDENT (Catalog Favorites)

o    TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIS OR CURRENT RESIDENT (Whatever Works)

Mr. Sweeney, I do not know how I can be more clear.

I do not ever want a catalog from your group to hit my mailbox. Even 50 years after I am dead, I do not want Potpourri Group catalogs to arrive at [my address].

I say this as someone who has a (God willing) defined benefit coming someday from International Paper, which means I have a strong interest in the consumption of coated papers. Yet I do not want your catalogs. Please remove me and remove my address (and you might as well remove Doris, as she has been dead for over two years) from any list you have now and any list you might ever have in the future.

Sincerely,

 The Gold Digger

The Candidate's Wife: I help Primo with a fundraising email but he doesn't like my edits

Primo: What do you think of this fundraising email? [That he is writing for his campaign]

Me: I think it's too long.

Primo: But I need to say all that!

Me: You need to get to the point.

Primo: I am a man of many words.

Me: I know.

Primo: What should I do?

Me: [All the copyediting and writing advice]

Primo: No!

Me: If only you knew someone who wrote for a living.

Primo: What?

Me: Like - what if my whole job were to figure out how to write about boring things in a way that would make people want to read the copy?

Primo: Oh yeah.

Me: What if I actually knew what I was talking about?

Later

Primo: I showed the email to [his communications guy]. He says it's too long.

Me: Huh. Who knew?

The Candidate's Wife: What makes a person a weirdo?

Me: Did you get a chance to email [that person who wants to volunteer] about going to that governors candidates' session on Tuesday?

Primo: I wrote one but haven't sent it.

Me: Why not?

Primo: Because I wrote it at 3:00 a.m.

Me: So?

Primo: I didn't want him to think I am some weirdo who writes emails at 3 a.m.!

Me: But - you are some weirdo who writes emails at 3 a.m.!

The Candidate's Wife: Primo discovers that the board of his group has a spy

Primo: Something bad happened!

Me: What? (Thinking - someone we know has died!)

Primo: It's BAD!

Me: Oh no! (My sister called him late at night to tell him my mom fell and broke her hip! Primo has cancer! The library burned down!)

Primo: We've discovered that Boris, on the board of ActivistsRUs, is an infiltrator!

Me: What do you mean?

Primo: I mean he's from the Other Side!

Me: But - he's in your group!

Primo: He's running for county supervisor against Natasha.

Me: Which is good, right?

Primo: I know you are not a fan of Natasha.

Me: She is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Primo: I know.

Me: She said she didn't know why Arizona was worried about illegal immigrants from Mexico because it's not like Mexico and Arizona share a border.

Primo: We thought Boris was running to the left of Natasha.

Me: But he's not?

Primo: Turns out he ran in 2012 and he is not left!

Me: But - he is in your group!

Primo: We think he's a spy.

Me: But the alternative is Natasha.

Primo: I would rather have someone really dumb who agrees with me on positions than someone smart who is on the other side.

Spam spam spam

You guys, I had no idea that comments were going to spam. All comments are sent to my hotmail. Any comment on a post older than two weeks goes to moderation (or something like that), but other than that, if I see it in hotmail, I assume it's been published. I never suspected that a system that would allow comments about how to get your boyfriend to beg to have you back would block comments from actual people who make thoughtful comments.

I am sorry about that! I do not block non-spam comments. I don't even block the comments of the readers who take Sly and Doris' side, mostly because I am so fascinated that such people exist.

Thanks to the Cosmic Avenger for bringing this to my attention.

The Candidate's Wife: Ted's email to Primo is not as awful as I thought it would be but then even a stopped clock is right twice a day, but he is not staying at our house, no matter how nice his email is

Ted sent this email and it actually reads like the email of a nice person who has never

1. Screamed at Primo
2. Implied that Primo is dishonest and/or stupid
3. Screamed at Primo
4. Tried to get Primo to reimburse him for the expense he incurred attending his own father's funeral.*

So it's a nice note and I am suspicious.

Because there is nothing in my history with Ted that indicates that he is a nice person.

Delightful note you sent and I hope to help with more than a small unsolicited contribution!

Shall dispense with small talk for now but please note very proud of you and I like reading about your “productive fundraising.”

 A few ideas:

1. Depending on circumstances (my mom’s health, status of work commitments), I would be eager to pop by at or near election time on my dime and work in the trenches for you. Give that some thought. Our local politician/acquaintance impressed me a few years ago when I went to volunteer because his (out-of-state) brother was manning the volunteer shop and walking people through the top-line talking points, etc. Obvious considerations would be keeping me on point and preserving your wine cellar in the evenings.

2. Doubt I can do much here here with my erstwhile political networks, outside of begging a few friends to donate a little money.

3. This is my Big Thought (and related to my core experience): I suggest that you make several short-form “pitches” about you, primarily, and your platform, second. With a tiny bit of inexpensive production savvy (which I’m happy to provide from afar at no cost), I believe that you can get across to multi-generational voters with what used to be expensive political commercials. You run these on your website and FB, obviously, but I’m thinking that other outlets—traditional and new—would be receptive to running :10, :15, :30, and maybe even 1:00 and 1:30 spots in rotation. Need to noodle on this a bit more.

Key point, Primo, about #3, is to emphasize you and your dedication to constituents. In today’s ideology-heavy society, I still feel a glimmer of hope for good, strong, positive politicians who are genuine. You fit the bill.

love big bro

I really am torn. This is a lovely note. I cannot deny that.

But.

But.

But.

There is nothing in history to indicate that Ted will not turn into a jerk in a second. That he will not scream at Primo or send him nasty emails or make demands.

I do not trust him.

However.

If he wants to help Primo from afar, that is fine. If he wants to ask his friends to send money to Primo, that is fine.

But. He is not invited to stay at our house. LordHaveMercy, that would stress Primo out so much and by extension would stress me out. Plus it would also stress me out without Primo's stress.

Reasons for stress if Ted visited

1. Primo would have to clean out the guest room, which is actually a good thing. My philosophy is that a man who has an entire bedroom of a house dedicated as his office and who has boxes and boxes of crap in the basement does not need to also have his stuff strewn all over the guest room. Or the landing. Or the stairs. Or the hall. So for that reason - a cleaned guest room, it might be worth it to have Ted visit.

Hahahaha! I was joking! As much as I hate having Primo's crap strewn all over the guest room, I hate the idea of having Ted in my house - of ever seeing him again - even more.

2. Primo would have to pick Ted up from the airport. He would be late picking him up but you know what? I don't care about that.

3. Someone would have to feed Ted. Someone would have to plan meals.

That someone would not be me.

4. I believe Ted is a drinker and I am not interested in being around Ted when he is sober, much less when he is drunk.

5. Primo would be cranky about someone using the guest bathroom, which, in normal times, is just his bathroom.

6. Primo is already stressed out about just answering Ted's email. Seriously. He has mentioned it several times in the past few days - that he has to answer Ted's email ("No you don't" I tell him) and he doesn't know what to say ("Tell him to tell his friends to send money and thanks and that's it").

He is ignoring my advice and is just being stressed. If there's this much stress about answering an email, imagine the stress of having a visit.

Conclusion

Ted cannot visit us. It would cause too much drama.

However, it is very nice and very unusual to get an email from him where he is not being a jerk. So we will take that.


* Although I still have mixed feelings about this one. If my father had abandoned to an alcoholic mother when I was four years old, then moved away, then tried to get out of paying child support for me, and then said he was not going to pay for my college but paid for my younger brother's college, I, too, would have mixed feelings about attending his funeral. If it were I, I would go only to make sure he was dead.

Oh wait. That was me. And that is the only reason I attended Sly's funeral. That and because it was important to Primo, whom I love.

The Candidate's Wife: A neighbor is upset about changes to the hunting rules and wants to take Primo hunting, which Primo thinks would be pandering but I think would be fabulous

One of our neighbors and his wife have helped with Primo's previous campaigns. They are very nice people - they even did the phone bank with us in the first election.

If you don't know what a phone bank is, let me tell you.

It is an awful horrible thing where you call people and ask them to vote for your candidate and if you

1. Hate talking to strangers
2. Hate talking about politics
3. Hate talking on the phone
4. Hate talking to anyone about anything

then a phone bank is your worst nightmare.

For hours, all you are doing is talking to people who probably hate talking on the phone as much as you do and now you have interrupted them in the middle of the Batters episode of The Great British Baking Show when they are doing the churros and everyone wants to see how the churros will turn out. Everyone.

You do not generate goodwill with people by interrupting them during a TV show they like.

So our neighbors even helped with the phone bank, which makes the pretty exceptional if you ask me.

Let's call them Scott and Zelda.

Scott emailed Primo last week about some changes to the hunting laws. He is not in favor of these changes. I am not going to copy his email here because I respect the privacy of people who have always been gracious with me.

Cross me, though, and I will publicize your jerkiness.

But Scott's email has nothing jerky in it - nothing like that - it's just that he wrote it for Primo's eyes, not anyone else's, and I want to honor that.

He suggested that he take Primo hunting so Primo could see for himself.

Primo is a city boy.

My grandfather took me fishing. He taught me to wean a calf and to ride a horse and let me sit in his lap when he drove the tractor.

Primo's grandfather taught him to play pool.

We come from very different backgrounds.

My family is almost all hunters; I don't even know what Primo's uncles do because I have never met them and Primo sees them once every 20 years at funerals. Wait. At their own funerals.

So Primo is all, "I can't do that! I'm not a hunter! It would look like I was trying to suck up to voters!" to which I said, "Hello you are in politics now what about this surprises you? That's what politicians do - they pander and they suck up!"

But then I said, "The voters here are hunters. Don't you think you should try to understand what it's all about so you would be better informed and more prepared to understand them and to represent their interests?"

To which he admitted that yes, I was right. (I relish hearing that so, so much.)(It happens so rarely. Not that he won't admit it - he will - it's just that he is right so much more often than I am.)(Of course, he cares a lot more about being right.)

He wrote back to Scott,

Your proposal to take me hunting is very interesting. I've never had a personal desire to hunt or to own a gun, although I have no problem with responsible hunting or responsible gun ownership. (I have done some target shooting, several times with a .22 rifle and once with a friend's Colt .45; after that experience, I can say that I definitely don't have any desire to fire a handgun again.) Goldie and I do eat venison, both from her family's deer processing plant and from a friend who hunts every year. 

My initial reaction was that it seemed silly to go hunting just so that I can claim to be a hunter during my campaign, but I talked to Goldie about it and she suggested that it may be something I should experience if I want to represent hunters in the Legislature. I think she may be right! It would be good to be able to say that I have gone hunting, even if I don't choose to identify myself as a hunter on my campaign literature after going hunting just once.

So maybe we'll get Primo out in blaze orange. On verra.

The Candidate's Wife: Ted offers to help with the campaign and I laugh because Ted? Helping? C'est rire

Primo: Ted emailed me to thank me for the note I wrote to thank him for his contribution.

Me: Great. That's exactly why I wrote snail mail letters to your mom - I didn't want her to be able to email my right back. At least with letters, there was a lag time.

Primo: He wants to help with my campaign.

Me: Uh huh.

Primo: He does.

Me: Yes.

Primo: He could be sincere.

Me: Uh. Huh.

Primo: He could.

Me: You mean like last time when he put you in touch with his friend who spent half an hour telling you to advertise on facebook?

Primo: That was really useful.

Me: He wants to help?

Primo: That's what he says.

Me: He probably just wants to call you and tell you his opinion on things and have you tell him how wonderful he is.

Primo: Yep.

Me: Tell him to send money and to have his rich friends send money. That's the best kind of help.