The Candidate's Wife: The Rain in Spain

I am so, so proud, you guys.

Primo: I am cranky!

Me:

Primo: I'm CRANKY!

Me:

Primo: I'M CRANKY!!!!

Me: Fine. What?

Primo: I had planned this event for after the legislature is supposed to be done with their session so my elected friends could come.

Me: And?

Primo: AND NOW THE GOVERNOR HAS CALLED A SPECIAL SESSION!

Me: So reschedule?

Primo: I can't do that!

Me: OK.

Primo: I'M CRANKY! They couldn't come to my first event because of the regular session. They couldn't come to my second event because of the regular session. I deliberately scheduled this one for after the session so they could come!

[NB Primo has been noting that he seems to be expected to attend a lot of political events. That does seem to be the political world, which, by itself, would be enough to keep me out of it.]

Me: So what are you going to do?

Primo: I KNOW!!!!! I will use the special session to promote the event! "Here's Governor X again, doing [admittedly not so good things]!"

Me: Great idea!

The Candidate's Wife: And we are back in seventh grade

Primo has been told that there are some young women in our district who don't trust him because he was having a beer with some guys at a local place and there was laughing and the other guys made a joke about a candidate for city council whose day job is selling underwear.

Primo: I don't even remember anyone saying that!

Me: Even if someone had said it, so what?

Primo: But I don't even remember if someone said it! And you know me! I'm not a bro guy! I might not have called someone out, but I would never make a joke like that.

Me: It doesn't matter. I know you don't make jokes like that, but even if you had, so what?

Primo: What if they run someone against me?

Me: Let them.

Primo: I am cranky about this! If someone wants to run against me, fine.

Me: Not. Fine.

Primo: What if they find someone to run against me?

Me: Seriously? I know it's common in your world, to run for office or to want to run for office, but honestly? In the real world, for most people, the idea of running for office is only slightly more attractive than a root canal. Wait. No. It's less attractive.

Primo: I don't deserve a primary opponent!

Me: Of course you don't. But you can't control it. So forget about it. There are always going to be people who don't like you. Screw them. There will be people on your side who don't like you. It doesn't matter. Just go out and knock on doors and worry about the campaign. Don't let the haters get to you.

The Candidate's Wife: Primo is on another radio show and I am messaging him during the show telling him what to say (PS I do not have the skill of knowing what to say when I am the one under pressure - this power is good only for telling other people what to do)

Primo was invited to be on yet another radio program. This one is on a station I have never even heard of, although to be honest, that means nothing, as the only time I listen to the radio is in the car and on Sunday mornings when we listen to vintage American Top 40.

And even with that, we cheat. If we don't like the episode that is playing on the radio, we just listen to the online version, which often does not match what our local station is playing.

(If you want to hear Casey Kasem, go here! It's so fun.)

The station is, I think, a super niche station. It's definitely local and may even be run out of someone's garage.

I was listening to Primo on the streaming. The setup is this is a high-school civics teacher who brings his students on the air and invites local guests to talk about issues so the kids will understand and get involved.

Host: You're running for the State House. What is that?

(NB I think the host was asking this kind of question for the benefit of his students. I am pretty sure a high school civics teacher knows that the House is.)

Primo: It's analogous--

Host: What's analogous?

Primo: Umm. When something is as something else is. So The State House is to [our state] as the House of Representatives is to the United States.

.....

Host: Where is your district?

Primo: I am in a gerrymandered district.

Host: I know what that is, but my students might not.

Primo: Gerrymandering is when they draw the district lines in really weird ways. It's named after a politician named Gerry from Massachusetts who drew district lines that looked like a salamander.

.......

Host: I want to get my students interested in citizenship. I want them to vote if they're old enough. I want them to be engaged. But they don't think what they want - what their community wants - matters.

......

Host: What should we do about mass incarceration? It's a big problem in our community.

(Me via facebook messenger: LEGALIZE DRUGS!!!)

Primo: [Thoughtful answer that is not specific enough for me]

.......

Host: We're almost at the end of the show. We'll ask all our guests to wrap up with something inspiring.

(Me via facebook messenger: tell them their voice matters! 
and in a low-turnout election
their vote counts like ten votes!)

Primo, who didn't see what I wrote:  [Thoughtful answer that is not specific enough for me]

In which my boss, whom I like very much and intend to keep as a friend even when we are no longer working together, but who is a stubborn engineer so you know, answers a friend of his who tells me to run when he finds out I have been working for Boss for 3.5 years

Boss's friend (who is also a vendor): Nice to meet you, Goldie. How long have you been working for Boss?

Me: What - three years? three and a half?

Boss: I'll tell you. We've been working together long enough that we have had arguments that ended with her calling me Primo and my calling her [Boss's Wife's Name] because we're so mad at each other.

The Candidate's Wife: The Early Bird Catches the Audience or something like that

Primo: I just got off the phone with James Parker!

Me: Oh - that radio host. I like his show. I listen to him sometimes when I am driving to work.

Primo: He's invited me to be a guest on his show next week!

Me: Wow! That's great!

Primo: He wanted me on at 7:00 but I said that was kind of early for me, so I'm going on at 8:00.

Me: Umm. Are you sure about that?

Primo: Why? Seven is way too early! I don't want to have to get up for that.

Me: But - people listen to the radio when they are in their cars. By 8:00, they'll all already be at work.

Primo: But 7:00 is so - so early.

Me: Yeah. I. Know. I'm usually at work by then.

Primo: You think I should do it at 7:00 instead of 8:00.

Me: Yes.

Primo: So. Early.

Me: One. Morning.

Primo: So. Early.

Me: This is not New York. People here get up early.

Primo: OK, I guess.

The Candidate's Wife: Even though only five people come to the house party our friends throw, we raise more money than we did at the fundraiser at our house with the homemade, fabulous food

S and K have a Shoes Off house, so I reminded Primo to wear nice socks. 

We went to the house party/fundraiser our friends S and K held for Primo. They don't live in our district, but K is passionate (and correct) about the idea that who is elected matters for everyone.

Only five people attended. S and K were horrified and apologetic, wondering what they had done wrong.

"We're pretty sure our friends agree with us politically," they said. "Maybe they were put off by the idea of a fundraiser?"

We didn't know. I ate some guacamole. Which was delicious.

"K did all this research about how to host a fundraiser," S told me. "That's why he said explicitly that it is a fundraiser - so people wouldn't show up not knowing they are supposed to give money!"

We didn't know. I ate some more guacamole. Still delicious. And I really like blue corn chips.

(Is it really blue corn, do you think? Or do they just cheat and dye yellow corn? Blue corn is kind of expensive, I thought.)

At 5:30, nobody had shown up.

"At least we'll eat well," S joked.

I ate more guacamole. If nobody else is coming, I am happy to be a guacamole pig.

"At the worst, Primo and I get to hang out with you guys," I said.

I ate more guacamole. Primo doesn't like avocados.

But at 5:45, the people, they came.

Only five of them - two married couples and a single guy - but they came.

Oh well.

Five people (even though it's only three campaign contribution units) is better than nothing.

After a respectable amount of time for people to eat, K, who is also an engineer, introduced Primo with perhaps the best introduction of Primo I have ever heard.

"When you need to fight a war, you send soldiers," he said. "When you need to win an argument, you get a lawyer. When you want to make a lot of money, you get a businessman. But when you want to solve a problem, who do you get?"

"You get an engineer. That's all engineers do all day long - we solve problems. We try to figure out how to fix things. And that's the kind of person we need in public office - someone who knows how to solve hard problems."

He was brilliant! He went on to talk about how even though Primo isn't in his district, he still has an impact and how everyone should give money.

And. They. Did.

We raised more money with only five attendees (seven, if you include S and K) than we did at the fundraiser we had at our house in Primo's first campaign. There were about 30 people at that fundraiser. And a lot more food, all of it homemade. (S and K bought really good prepared food. I told them not to waste any money on the food, as people do not seem to donate more when the food is good.)

Not a wasted evening at all.

PS I realized I should define amounts - Primo raised $300 with two more checks coming in the mail. That is A LOT of money for a small, un-connected middle-class candidate in a local race. A lot.

The Candidate's Wife: He's a talker

Primo: Can I say one more thing?

Me: Is there any way for me to stop you?

Primo: I haven't talked to you since yesterday! We need to talk!

Me: Didn't you see what I posted last night? "Long silences are required to prevent unnecessary homicides."*

* Which makes me wonder what a "necessary" homicide would be.

The Candidate's Wife: The karaoke fundraiser that already happened last month but I have been binge-watching "Chicago Fire" and have been distracted, as you might imagine

1. I was so impressed with Primo's marketing campaign for this event! He posted - over the course of a few days - videos of himself singing! And then tied the song title to his campaign! He is an engineer! And he did something creative!

2. This fundraiser had attendees from two worlds: Primo's karaoke/bar friends and his political friends. The political friends left as soon as the speeches were over and before the fun started. Honestly, I do not get people. Why not just come late so you don't have to hear the speeches and can be around for the singing?

3. Primo sang first and of course he was amazing. Then another candidate sang and he, too, can sing!

Then Primo and I sang together and Primo sounded great.

Me? I am no June Carter Cash.

4. My role in life sometimes is to show others that humiliating onesself publicly does not lead to death. So I was the Designated Bad Singer, who sings after a few good singers so others will not be intimidated.

Sing badly I did.

I sounded nothing like my buddy Olivia.

5. I saw a karaoke friend of Primo's whom I had met at his karaoke fundraiser a few years ago. This poor guy has gone blind and is in constant pain from some leg injuries. He sings beautifully, but it has to be songs he already knows because he can't read the lyrics.

6. I will leave you with the video of Primo singing from the karaoke fundraiser from his last campaign. He really is good.

The Candidate's Wife: Do we need a campaign manager?

Primo has been frustrated because the friend he hired to run his campaign has not been pushing him.

I am frustrated because I am a planner and it's been [counting] six months - SIX MONTHS - since Primo decided to run again and there. is. no. campaign. strategy.

This is making me crazy.

It's making Primo crazy.

But Primo admits - and this is true - that he shares much of the blame, as he has not pushed it with campaign manager. He has been waiting for CM to call him.

Complicating things is that CM is our friend and we love him.

I have been the bitch in all of this. For months, I have been asking why Primo and CM are not designing the campaign literature. Or designing the campaign strategy. Or breaking down the doors strategy.

I have been asking what CM has been doing for the money.

Primo has been waiting for CM.

Problem is that they are both deadline driven and there have been no hard deadlines so they have not done what needs to be done.

I am the one who has found the local events for Primo to attend - the pancake breakfasts (the one he attended yesterday - the Kiwanis scholarship fundraiser - was very good for him - they invited him to speak to the group and he met a lot of people), the student city of the future contest judging, the events at the senior center, etc, etc, etc.

I am the one who argues with him about the campaign communications.

We LOVE CM - but maybe this is not something you do with friends?

I don't know.

Primo finally met with CM today.

No big plan.

No campaign strategy.

Primo came home and was really frustrated.

CM has gotten some big-name clients, including a gubernatorial candidate who has a shot - the guy is very well known in his current (very public) field and has a great repuation.

CM seems distracted.

Me: Maybe CM doesn't want to be your campaign manager anymore but feels bad about saying that.

Primo: Maybe.

Me: Why do you need a campaign manager anyhow?

Primo: To run email campaigns?

Me: We can do that.

Primo: To introduce me to rich people who will give me money?

Me: What do you need money for?

Primo: To run ads.

Me: But - advertising is really expensive. What if you focused on a grassroots campaign? And we spent the $1,000 a month you are paying CM on campaign literature and targeted facebook ads?

Primo: Maybe.

Me: Maybe he doesn't want to be your campaign manager but doesn't know how to tell you. Maybe you can tell him that you want him to be free to focus on these bigger campaigns - which really are great opportunities for him - and that you will do yours.

Primo: Maybe.

Me: It's hard when you mix friendship and business, isn't it?

The Candidate's Wife: Our friends throw a house party for Primo

Look at the invitation my friend and her husband (they're the ones whose seven year old son gave a dollar to Primo's campaign) sent. The house party (a fundraiser at someone's home) is in a few days. I will report back.

Isn't this nice?

Dear Friends and Neighbors,

Amazingly the 2018 election cycle is upon us and now more than ever we need to make our voices heard. 

Please join us on Wednesday, March 7, to meet our friend Primo, Polka Dot candidate for the state house. While you may not live in the district, we all have an interest in who serves in our state government. Just as it matters who Alabama sends to the Senate, it matters who our fellow [state residents] send to the state legislature. For the first time in decades, this seat is winnable by a progressive candidate.

We've seen the nature of elections and politics change dramatically in our lifetime. If there's one thing that S and I have learned over the past two years, it's that good governance matters at every level of government: local, state, and federal. This is an opportunity to make a tangible difference.

This is a fundraiser so remember to bring your checkbooks. No donation is too small!

The event is invitation-only. If there is anyone else that you feel should receive this invitation, please let us know.

K and S

The Candidate's Wife: Who's pulling the strings of the potential primary-er?

The scene:

In our town, which is one of three towns covered by the state house district for which Primo is running, there is an issue that affects a few square blocks. Now, these blocks are our neighborhood and the issue in principle is an important one that in principle matters to a lot of people, but it is not something that the state legislature decides except to the extent that they could change the law about how cities handle things.

This issue is development. More specifically, it is zoning variances to build huge ugly apartment buildings in neighborhoods full of single-family houses. As in, a zoning variance to build a 66-unit apartment building in the space where nine single-family homes would fit.

The argument that the architect has used is that high-density housing increases the value of the homes around it, which is bullshit as far as I am concerned, and that we are racist for not wanting high density apartments a block from our house and next to an elementary school.

But that's not why I called!

So - there is this issue that affects our neighborhood. There is this proposed development and there is another one two blocks over in which the apartments would at least be on a main artery but would cast shadows all day long over the neighboring homes and both would require zoning variances! What is the darn point of having a master development plan if you are going to vary all the zoning?

Primo and I have spoken out very strongly against these variances. We have attended the planning meetings at the city and we have put a sign up in our yard and have talked to people about it.

And we have moved on because we did manage to kill the project right by our house.

And now we are here.

Primo has heard that someone might be running against him in the primary. He managed to figure it out.

It's a woman who is a photographer by trade.

Once her husband, who has a mutual friend with Primo, spoke to the mutual friend and learned that Primo actually is a good guy, the woman apparently decided that her services were not needed.

But the guy who asked her to run -

Turns out it's the guy who has led (very well, I might say) the neighborhood effort against the development.

He is cranky because Primo will not put a campaign sign in our yard for the city council candidate who is more anti-development. There are two candidates for city council in our district.

Two candidates. Both against stupid development that requires zoning variances.

(Some of the argument for allowing high-density development is that there is not enough rental property in our neighborhood. Except

1. There is a ton of rental property downtown in Big City and
2. The ugly high-density apartment building they built 18 months ago has had a for-rent sign in front of it for most of the time it's been there as in if there is such demand for rental property, which aren't people renting these apartments?)

Primo likes both candidates. Both candidates are nice people. Both have ideas we agree with.

Development Guy Leader (who again, has been excellent in that role) had asked Primo to support the more anti-development candidate.

Primo said he thinks both candidates are good.

DG - in conversations with someone he did not know is Primo's good friend - said that Primo is anti-woman (the more anti-development candidate is a woman) and told Primo that he wants a candidate who is willing to take a stand on the Big Issues, even if the Big Issue is Not Something The Legislature Deals With.

As in - Primo's platform would never include LOCAL DEVELOPMENT ISSUES. Because people in the rest of the district outside OUR NEIGHBORHOOD would not care about it. And Primo could do nothing about it in the legislature.

PS Primo is not anti-woman. I live with him. I know. Rolling my eyes.

The Candidate's Wife: We're talkers. Or not.

Primo: I need to call her.

Me: Why don't you just send her an email?

Primo: Because calling her is the personal touch!

Me: If you called me instead of emailing me, you would piss me off so much.

Primo: You hid the fact that you don't like to talk from me before we got married.

Me: You hid the fact that you were going to quit a perfectly good job to run for office. Four. Times. I. Win.

The Candidate's Wife: Maybe there will be a primary after all? Who knows?

Primo: This guy on [a committee] told me that the wife of a friend of his might run in this district.

Me: Oh?

Primo: The guy used to be a pastor at [non-denominational] church.

Me: Oh! So she would be running for the other party.

Primo: Nope. Apparently, they are like the only non-denominational people in the world who are [my party].

Me: Crap!

Primo: But my committee friend won't tell me who this woman is. Or who his friend is.

Me: How does he know him?

Primo: They got their PhDs in Basket Weaving together at Big State U. The guy now teaches [across the state lines].

Me: He cannot possibly be that hard to find - how many former megachurch pastors turned professors of basket weaving teaching in another state but living here can there be?

Answer: We don't know, but after an hour on google, linkedin, and Big U website, we did not find anyone.

Stay tuned. This is frustrating.

The Candidate's Wife: The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly On The Plain

You guys, I am so, so proud.

He did this all by himself.

"TOGETHER WE CAN!" HE DID THAT! Oh bless his "People should do what's right because it's right" heart. :)

I am beaming.

Primo: You were right! But sometimes I think if there aren't enough words, people won't have enough reasons to like me! Isn't the way to make something better by adding more information?

PS His logo and his photo do show on the real version. I am just too lazy to edit them.

The Candidate's Wife: Arguing with Primo, who wants to include ALL THE WORDS on his campaign door flyer

Round One
Primo: Would you check what I have written?

Me: OK - you need to make this a lot shorter.  Here:

Primo: What? WHY?

Me: Because people are going to read this between the door and the trash can and you want to make sure they know what you want them to know.

Primo: But you cut everything!

Me: People know what a website is. They know what an email address is. You don't know if you're going to be primaried,, so you don't need the date of the primary election on there. And you need to focus on just three issues, at least here.

Primo: I don't want to leave out [issues]. They are timely. 

Me: Then put them on your website. People can get more information if they want it. In this piece, you are flirting. You are not getting naked. Three things. Three. They are going to throw this away the second they read it.

Round Two

Primo: OK. What about this?

Me: No! TAKE OUT THE WORDS! And take out the part about "more Polka Dots in [capital]. This is about you. This is about getting you elected.

Primo: I want to help other candidates.

Me: You cannot help anyone if you don't win this election. Focus on your campaign! And take out all those extra words!

Primo: But - but! You are so forceful about this! What makes you so sure?

Me: Because I have spent this week re-writing the marketing copy of four other people in Marketing Communications BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DO IT! I get paid to do this!

(NB Love this man. He spent last week cleaning our basement after it flooded from sewer backup. That is where attention to detail is super important. We make a good team.)(But he uses too many words.)